“Oh brother…”
“That’s enough of your insolence, genie. Be quick about it. While you’re doing that I’ll be deciding on the wording of my three wishes. If the job doesn’t meet my expectations when I’m finished, you’ll be punished. Down on your hands and knees. I want to see that floor sparkle.”
“Yes, Most Beautiful and Powerful Master.” Sam took the toothbrush and went to work, her sheer purple robe dragging on the floor behind her.
As she went to take it off, Bunny stopped her.
“No, leave it on. You look lovely in that, Sam. Although I believe it needs a few alterations befitting your new status.” She opened another drawer, drew out a pair of scissors and cut off the bottom of Sam’s garment until it was a jagged waist-high length.
Sam gave a little gasp.
“Oh dear, having you use that tiny toothbrush makes me seem rather heartless, doesn’t it?” Bunny mused. “We certainly can’t have that now, can we?” She took the plastic bucket to the sink, filling it halfway with hot water. Then she poured in an ample dose of ammonia. Balling the long, sheer purple remnant of Sam’s robe, she stuffed it into the malodorous mixture.
“There you go. Now you’ve got something to use besides that toothbrush.” She held the scissors aloft, clicking them open and closed. “Gee, look at the way your big mop of hair hangs in your face when you bend over. That’s not conducive to scrub work, is it? No problem. We can fix that in a jiffy and make you far more comfortable.”
Sam whimpered as Bunny fisted a hunk of Sam’s hair, clipping through it and rendering a mass of jagged, uneven chunks.
“Oh yes, that’s much better.” Dropping the auburn locks on the floor, Bunny rubbed her hands briskly, whisking away any remnants of Sam’s hair from her hands. Extending her bejeweled fingers, she wiggled them. “You may kiss my hand and offer your thanks for my kindness now, genie.”
Sam looked up at Bunny for a moment before leaning in and kissing her fingers. “Thank you for your kindness Most Beautiful and Powerful Master,” she said just above a whisper as one fat tear coursed down her cheek.
Oh yes! This was turning out to be about the best damn day in Bunny Turner’s life.
———
“Take a look at this,” a weepy Rosie said to Lugal, shoving an envelope beneath his nose. “I opened it right after you called. It was part of the legal paperwork making me a partner in BTS that Sam gave me a couple of days ago.”
“To be opened only when I’m gone,” Lugal read aloud. “Gone…” He huffed a humorless chuckle. “Notice she did not say dead.” He drew the paper out, frowning as he read Samantha’s words. “So well thought out,” he noted, shaking his head. “How long, I wonder, had she been planning this.”
“I don’t know,” Rosie said. “All I know for sure is that she loved you with all her heart.” She sobbed quietly into a wad of tissues.
“Sam states there that she would have made you and Rosie equal partners,” Charlie said, “except you have no legal identity, Lugal. That’s why she left everything to Rosie, with the stipulation that she find a way to share it with you. Sam never wanted you to be without money, a roof over your head or your job as Warrior Fitness instructor at BTS.”
Lugal growled, sailing the paper across the kitchen. “I do not want any of it. I do not want anything but Samantha!” He paced back and forth, mumbling with each swift step.
“I know,” Charlie said. “We’re going to do everything possible to get her back. But in order to do that you need to calm down. You’ve got to stop doing that imitation of a caged lion and focus on a way to summon Inanna.”
Lugal threw his hands into the air. “Then all is lost. I have been trying to summon her for thousands of years!” he bellowed. “She turns a deaf ear to me, Charlie.”
“Have you ever used the incantation that the priest and priestess used when they summoned her?”
Lugal stopped pacing and stood in silent contemplation for a moment. “Nay, I think not. I do not remember it.”
“Then that’s what we’ll use,” Charlie said, opening the attaché case he’d brought along and drawing out a stack of papers and several small books. “Along with the other information I’ve gathered about summoning Sumerian deities. Now let’s get to work.”
Wild-eyed and frustrated beyond belief, Lugal countered, “Did you not hear me? I said I do not remember it, Charlie. I do not have the incantation.” He pounded his fist on the kitchen table with such force, everything on it bounced.
Charlie stood up, braced his hands on Lugal’s shoulders and gave him a reassuring smile. “Of course you do, man. You have a photographic memory, remember? The incantation is hidden in that brain of yours, Lugal. You just need to retrieve it so we can get to work.”
“So many thousands of years ago,” Lugal began. “I don’t know if I can recall—”
“You’ve got to, Lugal,” Rosie said, resting her hand on his arm, rubbing in a slow, soothing motion. “If you ever want to see Sam again.”
“Together, the three of us can do this,” Charlie said. “I know we can.”
Lugal straightened. For the first time since Samantha disappeared he felt the strength of resolve flowing through his veins instead of the numbing cold of fear.
“Yes. We will get to work.” Lugal sat at the head of the table. “Charlie, I will say the words as I recall them and you will write them down.” Pen in hand, Charlie nodded. “Rosie, you must prepare offerings of food for Inanna. Before we attempt to summon her we must have an array of fragrant, pleasing food and drink ready to help entice and persuade.”
Rosie nodded. “I can do that. What should I make? I make killer brownies, and my chocolate chip cookies and pecan fudge have won awards at fairs. If you want something savory, I could make macaroni and cheese, or maybe a tuna casserole.”
“Traditionally,” Lugal said, “the offering would consist of roasted goat or mutton with bitter herbs, chick peas and lentils. Perhaps a few ducks and pigeons and some fresh fried fish from the Mesopotamian rivers. A platter of figs, dates and fruit conserved in honey, some pungent cheese, stacks of barley-wheat cakes with good lard, as well as onion and cucumber and, finally, some barley ale or wine.”
Rosie blinked.
Lugal smiled at the look of shock and dread across Rosie’s features, realizing his suggestions were beyond her culinary aptitude. Since he’d come to appreciate modern foods such as chocolate, he felt certain they would appeal to the goddess as well.
“But I have tasted your delicious brownies and cookies, Rosie,” Lugal continued. “I believe Inanna would perceive these delectable sweet treats to be of rare and precious quality.”
“Rosie’s a whiz in the kitchen,” Charlie said proudly. “Inanna won’t be able to resist anything she cooks up, I guarantee it.”
Lugal smiled at the unmistakable look of love he saw passing between the couple as Charlie covered his wife’s hand with his own. Lugal wanted nothing more than to be able to share that look with his beloved Samantha again. To be able to grow old with her and give her a passel of little goats.
“I agree,” He said, pulling himself out of his reverie. This was no time for rumination. “Rosie, I suggest you prepare whatever you do best and it will most assuredly entice the goddess. To that we will add a selection of wine and beer, and maybe some hot cocoa too.”
“I’m on it,” Rosie said, scooting away from the table and whipping pots and pans from cupboards. “With a kitchen this huge and well-equipped, I’ll have a feast fit for a goddess prepared in no time flat.”
“Thank you, Rosie.” Lugal smiled and turned to Charlie, his hand firmly on the man’s back. “Your wife is kind and good, my friend. A true and loyal friend to Samantha. No wonder she entrusted Rosie with her beloved home and business.”
“They’re closer than sisters,” Charlie said, watching his wife scurry through the kitchen, carrying bags of flour, sugar and chocolate chips. “I don’t even want to think about what would happen to
Rosie if we didn’t get Sam back, Lugal.”
“I understand. It would be a dark shroud of grief over her heart. Fear not, Charlie. We will succeed in our mission. I feel it deep in here.” Lugal widened his fingers into a claw-like shape and clutched his abdomen.
“When we formulate our incantation,” Charlie said, studying his notes, “we’ll make use of the fact that you were fathered by Enlil.” He paused until he found the written passage he was looking for. “The great god of air and storms, who guards the tablets of destiny.” He glanced up at Lugal. “I imagine that would give you somewhat of an advantage with Inanna.”
“Depending on whether or not the deities are at odds or on friendly terms these days,” Lugal noted, recalling stories of the mighty battles between the gods and goddesses and the considerable havoc they wreaked during their conflicts.
Within the hour, the kitchen was redolent with the tantalizing aromas of sweet treats and savory dishes—and Lugal and Charlie had constructed the outline for their incantation.
“All we need to do,” Charlie said as he skimmed the document he’d written, “is to substitute your name and position for the high priest, Ibi-Utu, as well as for Sabit, the priestess of Nanna, the Moon God of Ur.”
“Then we will light candles and incense and begin reciting our plea,” Lugal said, feeling edgier than he had since he could remember. His head pounded, his mouth was dry, his palms sweaty and his heart felt as if it was on the verge of exploding.
In a short time the trio had prepared the dining room, making the setting as appealing, fragrant and attractive as possible.
“It looks like Christmas in here,” Rosie noted, taking in the bounty of foodstuffs and the candlelit décor. “Inanna won’t be able to resist.”
Lugal’s hands fisted at his sides, the muscle at his jaw twitched. Fine rivulets of sweat trickled down his face.
“We shall see,” he said solemnly, taking the sheet of paper from Charlie and scowling as he witnessed his hands shaking. “You have been of such great help to me,” Lugal told Charlie and Rosie. “I would not have been able to do this on my own. Whatever happens, know that my heart will forever be full of gratitude for your valued friendship.”
His gaze settled firmly on the couple. “But now you must go. It may not be safe and I will not risk your lives.”
“Hell no!” Rosie said.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Charlie said. “According to the ancient texts, as well as the scene you recreated from your own experience, Lugal, chanters need to be present at any invocation of the gods.” He turned to his wife and smiled. “You need to go home, Rosie. Lugal and I can manage this on our own. You need to keep yourself safe for the kids.” Drawing Rosie into his arms, he kissed her lips. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you too,” Rosie said, planting a quick kiss on Charlie’s jaw. “But there’s no way I’m leaving now. Lugal needs both of us here to chant and to give him support. And if you think I’m going to sit at home twiddling my thumbs as you two macho men try to bring my best friend back all on your own, you’ve got another thing coming.” She drew in a deep, trembly breath. “Besides, I want to see what Inanna thinks of my killer brownies,” she quipped.
Charlie grinned at his wife. “There’s no use arguing with her when she makes her mind up,” he told Lugal. “We’re ready whenever you are.”
“She is made of stubborn stock, like Samantha,” Lugal said with a smile. “I thank you both from the depths of my being. I pray the gods keep you safe.”
He sucked in a deep breath, saying a silent prayer, a soul-to-soul prayer, sending his undying love to Samantha. He took another moment to read the document they’d prepared, committing it to memory. Handing it back to Charlie, Lugal looked to the heavens, raising his arms, palms up, in the traditional prayer of entreaty stance.
“O great Inanna, Queen of Heaven, goddess of love and war, I summon you,” he roared. Charlie and Rosie chanted short praises of adoration to Inanna that Charlie had discovered in his ancient texts.
“I am Lugal Damu-Zid, he who boldly led the armies of Sumer into battle, who fought many battles in your name. He who was fathered by Enlil, the great god of air and storms, who guards the tablets of destiny. You are the great lady of the gods. Your terror is fearsome as it weighs on the land. No man anticipates your commands.”
The crystal candelabra on the table vibrated. Upon seeing that, Rosie and Charlie shuddered.
“The heavens fold themselves in your presence like a mourning garment,” Lugal continued, his deep voice resonating in the sizeable room. “You are she who hastens like a north wind storm into the midst of the people. You are she who hears prayer and pleading.”
The flames on all of the candles flickered, then grew higher and brighter.
“I summon you, great Inanna to reverse a mighty wrong, an injustice of the greatest enormity…”
Lugal continued his heartfelt plea as Rosie and Charlie kept chanting, despite the palpable signs of supernatural forces around them.
Lugal spoke the final words of the invocation. “O make it be, great and wondrous Inanna! Let it be so!”
The entire room rumbled, as if in the midst of a small earthquake. The boom of thunder resounded throughout the room and fine threads of white lightning cracked overhead.
Gasping, Rosie clutched onto Charlie, who held her tight to his chest.
The ethereal visage of a woman, as beautiful as she was fearsome, suddenly loomed over the proceedings.
It was the same formidable countenance Lugal had seen five thousand years before…on the fateful night that had sealed his destiny.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“You insignificant peasants, you inferior organisms, you worthless oddments of mediocrity!” Inanna boomed before she became fully visible. “Why have you deemed to summon me?”
Lugal stood tall, chin elevated, as Rosie and Charlie sort of slipped behind him.
“Great Inanna, it is I, Lugal Damu-zid, he who boldly led the armies of Sumer into battle, who fought many battles in your name. He who—”
“Yes, yes, I know.” Inanna yawned, waving her hand, indicating for him to stop. “I heard all of it during your rather lengthy incantation.”
Inanna’s torso shimmered into solidity and she went on, “How am I supposed to keep the cosmos functioning when I’m constantly being pulled this way and that? This had better be good, Lugal Damu-zid.” She sniffed the air, closed her eyes and moaned.
“Mmmm…do I smell brownies?” She opened her eyes, nailing the threesome with a fierce glare. “They’d better be for me and they’d better be damned delicious or there’ll be Kurnugi to pay.”
“Oh they are, your majesty,” Rosie said. “I made them just for you.”
Inanna crooked her finger and Rosie passed her the plate of brownies.
“Mmm, delectable. You may keep your head,” she said to Rosie as she munched. “Now, what’s up?” She licked the chocolate crumbs from her fingers.
Inanna’s entire body was discernible now, as was the lion on a diamond-studded golden leash beside her. When the beast let out a blood-curdling roar, Rosie and Charlie jumped about a floor off the floor. Used to stories of the gods and their wild beast pets, Lugal stood firm.
“Holy shit!” Rosie said.
Inanna tsked. “Hush with your vulgar outbursts. You’re going to frighten poor little Ninazu.” She petted the lion, making soothing baby talk to the animal. It closed its eyes, purred and rubbed its mane against her.
“She’s wearing a business suit,” Rosie muttered in surprise, taking in the ultra-chic personage hovering in midair.
Inanna looked down at the sleek gray shantung silk suit hugging her perfect figure. “What? You expected a diaphanous gown? Why is it that you brainless mortals expect your gods and goddesses to conduct daily business wearing gauzy scraps of material? This is the twenty-first century, honey, and Inanna doesn’t do diaphanous unless she’s in the bedroom. I am a liberated goddess, af
ter all.” She patted her blonde chignon.
“Great goddess,” Charlie said, “my name is Charles Dudchowski. I’m a professor of ancient history and classical archaeology at the university.”
“Well bully for you.” Inanna pointed at a chocolate chip cookie, which floated through the air to her fingers. “Since we’re throwing around titles, I’m the Queen of Heaven, goddess of love and war. I’m one of the seven gods who decree the fates.”
Inanna gave a sigh of satisfaction as she bit into the cookie. “Is that tuna casserole I smell?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am, I—” Rosie began.
“Good. Bring it to Ninazu. I think he’s hungry.”
Rosie’s eyes bugged. “You-you want me to—”
Inanna snapped her fingers three times in rapid succession. “Hop to it, mortal. I’ve just given you a command.”
Tuna casserole in hand, Rosie muttered, “Ohmigod, ohmigod,” and did as Inanna asked, inching toward the huge golden lion. “Nice kitty,” she said as soothingly as her quavering voice would allow.
Wincing, Lugal sincerely hoped the big creature preferred tuna and cheese over human flesh.
Charlie cleared his throat as he watched his wife. He swallowed hard, breathing as sigh of relief as the lion tested the tuna and nibbled at it. “Uh, Inanna, we’ve summoned you because—”
“Because it was time for me to go back into my bottle,” Lugal blurted, no longer able to be silent. “I was fully prepared to face the bleak, dark realm once again when, to my horror, the woman I love, my possessor, Samantha Rutledge, made her final wish and asked to take my place in servitude so that I could be free of the bottle’s cruel imprisonment forever more.
“This woman is kind, sweet and good. She does not deserve to be trapped in the cold, dreary netherworld of the bottle, great Inanna. I have summoned you to plead for Samantha’s freedom. I beg of you, I beseech you, O great and compassionate goddess, let me exchange places with my beloved Samantha so that she—”
Samantha and Her Genie Page 36