“Would you like to watch television?” Lehi had asked when we’d settled into the drafty room.
“Um . . .” My mouth was agape, not knowing if my new husband was testing my loyalty to the laws of our church. Television was not allowed—was he tricking me?”
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. I watch when I travel for work. It’s actually entertaining.”
“Oh,” I said, having never seen anything on a television screen before. “Whatever you like.”
Lehi had stripped himself of his jacket, draping it on the armchair in the corner, and grabbed a small black device from the table. He pressed a button and the machine turned on! I’d never seen anything like it.
Lehi chuckled. “Have you never seen a television before, my dear?”
I shook my head. “No, sir.”
“Your mother never took you to Walmart? Or Target?”
“Yes, sir, she did. But we weren’t allowed in that section of the store. Sometimes when we were in the baby section, we could hear the televisions, but I never saw them. And I have no idea what that is,” I said, gesturing to the small machine in his hand.
“It’s a remote. Watch.” He pressed a button on it that made the television pause and then change to another program. “You know,” he said, “we can rent a movie.”
“Rent?”
“Yes, they have movies. Special ones that might help.”
“Help?” I didn’t understand. “What could we possibly need help with?”
“Us.” He walked to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, a half smile peeking out from behind his beard. “The movies will show you how to please me. You want to please me, don’t you, Brinley?”
My nerves stood on end and my breathing quickened. I knew what response he expected, so I nodded.
“Good. A movie it is.”
He walked to the television set, inspecting a cardboard advertisement of some type. Retrieving the small remote once again, he punched in several numbers and I gasped as three naked people appeared on the screen, two women and one man. I’d never seen a man’s penis before, or other women’s breasts or private areas.
My stomach churned and I looked to Lehi for answers when one woman climbed on top of the man and began rocking up and down on him. Was that what he wanted me to do? Rock on top of him? Was that what sex was?
The other woman stroked her hands over his back as she watched the two together, which disturbed me. All my life, I’d been told that sex was saved for your husband. Not your husband and another person. Who was this woman and why was she taking part in this intimate act between husband and wife?
“They’re actors,” Lehi said. “Just watch them and when you’re turned on, tell me. Then we’ll begin.”
“Turned on?”
Lehi laughed again and crossed the room, running his hand over my French braid. “You’re so young, aren’t you? I have so much to teach you.”
“I—”
I didn’t have a chance to answer him because he thrust his mouth against my lips, and forced them apart with his tongue. His teeth crashed into mine as he thrust his tongue into my mouth. I gasped at the aggressive nature of his touch—Lehi had always been kind and gentle with me, but this was a new side of him that I hadn’t seen. Fear built in my gut as I wondered how this would progress.
“I want you,” he whispered when he finally removed his mouth from mine.
The sounds of moaning came from the television, and I could feel his penis growing hard next to my thigh. I wanted to scream, to run, to hide. But I knew I couldn’t. This was the way to my salvation. To my Heavenly Father’s kingdom.
I was put on this earth to marry and serve Lehi, to birth and raise his children, and to spend eternity with him in heaven. He said he’d teach me, and I had to be willing to learn.
Lehi unbuttoned the pearl buttons of my cotton wedding dress before lifting it above my head. He then removed my long underwear, and instinctively I covered my breasts and private area with my hands. The corners of Lehi’s mouth raised in satisfaction as he took in the sight of me.
“You’re so firm,” he said, running his hand across my bottom. When I looked puzzled, he said, “Your muscles, your skin, it’s firm. And it’s turning me on.”
That was the second time he’d referenced being “turned on.” I still had no idea what he meant by it, other than he clearly was impressed with my body. I was slim with average-sized breasts, but I’d never compared myself to any of the other women in the compound. Yet as I glanced at the women on the television, I felt quite inadequate. Their breasts were large and round, and mine seemed to sag in comparison to theirs that stood at attention.
“Do you see what she’s doing?” Lehi asked, pushing on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. When I looked at the television, I was horrified to see that one of the women—the one who had been watching the couple earlier—had the man’s penis in her mouth and was moving her mouth up and down it. I swallowed hard, hoping to suppress the hysteria that built within my chest.
“Yes, sir,” I croaked.
Lehi unzipped his zipper, then pushed his pants down to his ankles. He reached for my hands and pulled me up as high as I would go without leaving my knees.
“Do it.”
I shook my head. “But I don’t know how.”
“I’ll teach you. You have to learn, Brinley. This is the only way. Watch her and then do it. Come on.”
My fingers trembled as I pulled down his stark white boxer shorts, which dropped to his ankles along with his pants. He was still wearing his socks and shoes. My stomach twisted and turned as his penis, standing up straight against his midsection, seemed to be staring at me.
“Come on,” Lehi ordered, his voice growing impatient.
I took one last glance at the woman on the television screen. She was making all sorts of noises as she moved up and down his most private part. The man leaned back, groaning. I could only imagine that she was pleasing him, and that Lehi expected me to make his face contort like the man on the screen.
Mimicking the movements of the woman on the screen, I wrapped my hand around the base of his penis, then moved it up and down.
“Your mouth, use your mouth,” Lehi whispered, his voice raspy.
I couldn’t avoid it any longer. My heart raced and my stomach churned as I placed my lips on the tip of his penis.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Lehi said, and placed his fingers in my hair, pushing my head farther down.
In shock, I snapped my eyes open. The taste of it, of him, was repulsive, and I fought the gag reflex that threatened to empty my stomach. I tried to pull away, but Lehi held my head steady.
“Keep going,” he said. “You’re doing fine.”
Disgusted, I moved my head up and down again and again until Lehi tapped me on the shoulder.
“That’s enough for now,” he said. “Lay down on the bed.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?” Lehi narrowed his eyes at me.
I’d been calling him sir since meeting him the first time with our prophet. But I’d expected that eventually he would no longer expect that of me. Apparently, however, it was still very much expected.
“Okay, sir.”
“That’s a good girl,” he said, tapping my bottom before ripping my underpants off and throwing them to the floor. “Lay down.”
I did as I was told, despite feeling exposed and overwhelmed. The people on the screen were still grunting and groaning. Lehi took one last look at them before spitting into his hand and rubbing it on his penis.
“Wrap your legs around my back. Don’t say a word. It will hurt at first, but do your best to relax.”
Lehi spread my legs apart, then crawled over me and pushed his penis into my opening. The muscles of my private area fought against his entry, pushing him away. But he didn’t care; he just pushed harder until his chest was flat against mine. Searing pain spread through the lower half of my body and I bit down so hard on my lip, I tasted
the metallic taste of blood inside my mouth.
“You’re so tight,” he choked out as he grunted in my ear. “Oh, I’ve missed this.”
Missed this? What did he miss?
I didn’t understand, but had already been warned to keep silent. I’d have to ask him later. All I could do was pray to Heavenly Father to make the pain end. To make his hot breath on my shoulder go away, to make this agony stop.
The Lord answered my prayer. Lehi grunted, gritting his teeth as he made his final push into me. He twitched and sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, then collapsed onto my chest and ran his hand down my neck.
“We are now forever linked. Husband and wife. Well done, Brinley.”
I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak or not, so I nodded behind tightly closed eyes. Relief came in the form of his penis growing soft and sliding out of me. Lehi moved to sit on the side of the bed, leaning his hands into the mattress.
“I’m going to take a shower, and then we’ll sleep. You’ll want to clean yourself up. Quite a bit of blood on the sheets.”
Blood? I bled?
I managed to hold it together long enough for Lehi to walk into the small bathroom and close the door, then turn on the shower. But I couldn’t contain the bile rising in my throat after seeing the small pool of blood on the ivory sheet. I hobbled to the sink, thanking God that it was outside the bathroom, then ran the water before heaving my dinner down the drain.
I knew that I had pleased Lehi, but my body felt like it had been robbed of something sacred, and I felt a tremendous sense of loss.
Once my heaving had stopped, I rinsed my mouth with water and wiped my private areas with a washcloth, then threw it in the garbage knowing that the blood had stained it permanently.
The man and women were still groaning in the background. I couldn’t take it anymore. While the water still poured from Lehi’s shower, I found the remote. I stared at it, wondering how I could turn off the sight of the sinful people on the screen. I fumbled with it again and again until finally I found the power button and it turned off.
The silence was freeing and peaceful. When his shower had ended, Lehi joined me in kneeling at the side of the bed and saying a prayer to our Lord, thanking him for our celestial union and for the consummation that had bound us together.
When he joined me in bed, I was surprised that Lehi welcomed me to sleep beside him so that his chest warmed my back. He stroked my back with his hands, easing my muscles and the racing thoughts of my brain.
“You’re a lovely girl. Do you know that?”
Trying hard not to tremble, I mumbled, “Thank you,” and stared at the wall.
“I’m going to take very good care of you.” He kneaded my shoulder with his fingers, making me uncomfortable.
“I know.”
“Do you have any questions, you know, about what we did?”
I hesitated, unsure if I should ask what was on my mind. But that tiny little brave voice in my mind took over. “You said you’d missed me being tight, but . . . we’ve never, um . . . we’ve never done that before, so—”
“Oh.” He laughed. “All of my wives have birthed babies. They’re not as tight as they once were. It’s been a while since I’ve been intimate with a virgin. Almost three years, I think, with Aspen.”
“Oh, I see.”
“It’ll get easier for you, don’t worry.”
“Okay.”
“And next time, I’ll have a surprise for you.”
My heart raced, not sure I could handle any other surprises. Our entire encounter that evening had been shocking enough.
“Oh?” I asked, feigning interest.
“Have you ever worn makeup, Brinley?”
“You mean, on my face?”
I hadn’t, although I’d always been fascinated by the women of the outside world. Their lips so pink, all kinds of colors on their eyelids, their rosy cheeks. It had never been allowed, but I’d always been slightly envious of those women.
“No.”
“Well, I know you’ll enjoy it. I’ll buy you some when we go into town tomorrow. You can even pick your first colors.”
“All right.”
Lehi had yawned into my neck. “Time to rest. Good night.”
But I hadn’t sleep much that night. Like the movie on the screen, our encounter had played through my mind over and over again, making me wince and cry.
I was in no rush to do that again, but had somehow known it wouldn’t be long before I’d be forced to relive it. At the time, I didn’t know how many times I’d be expected to perform those acts during our stay at the motel, but I took solace from the fact that once home, he would have the opportunity to lay with the other wives, as well.
• • •
In the three years we’d been married, my private area had never throbbed at the thought of Lehi’s touch, or in response to it while he was touching me. Never. Not once.
But my dreams of Porter had left a pulsing that was agonizing and enticing all at the same time. When thoughts of sex with Lehi forced the throbbing to disappear, I was disappointed and left wanting.
I wanted Porter to touch me again.
But for him to touch me would be the greatest sin imaginable.
I was Lehi’s, bound to him for eternity. I could jeopardize everything I was raised to strive for—a place in the celestial kingdom with our Heavenly Father, with my husband, and with our children.
Porter Hammond knew better than anyone that the prophet could have you removed from our community in an instant. He was proof of that. I didn’t want to end up like Porter. I had to be more careful, more in control of my thoughts and dreams. And I had to stay away from him, no matter how tempted I might become when waking from a dream where his lips caressed my thighs, where his fingertips lightly touched the swell of my breasts, and where my private area throbbed with my desire for him.
I had to clear Porter Hammond from my mind. No matter how good he tasted in my dreams.
Chapter 8
“Are you sure you won’t come with me?”
I stood at Rebecca’s doorway, silently begging for her eyes to meet mine. Weeks of avoidance were making me paranoid. Rebecca spent more time with Leandra and less time with Aspen or me.
I was losing her.
“No, Leandra needs me. I’m sorry.” Rebecca closed her dresser drawer and rose to her feet. Her gaze briefly darted to mine, then she looked back at the carpet.
“I hope you will forgive me, you know, for that day.” My words hung in the air, so thick with tension in the silent room.
Rebecca sucked in a breath and closed her eyes, curling her fists in tight balls. Sister wives weren’t encouraged to have one-on-one discussions when conflict arose. Instead, we were encouraged to keep sweet and share our concerns or complaints with Lehi, who would then mediate with the other wife. No arguments, no heart-to-hearts. The problem would be resolved and no one’s feelings would be hurt.
But I’d held Rebecca as she sobbed just a few short months before. I thought our relationship was different.
“Are you going to see him? Is that what this is about?” She frowned, causing her forehead to crease, and her nostrils flared.
“No, I promise. I just—Lehi asked me to visit the drugstore. I thought you could join me.”
“No, sorry.” Her words were short, biting. Avoiding my eyes, she hurried from the room, her shoulder brushing against mine as she passed.
Dejected and feeling very alone, I walked to my closet, retrieved my purse, and walked into town.
• • •
I dreaded walking past Burt Jameson’s construction project. Somehow I knew he could see me through the unfinished lumber that framed the house. I’d managed to dodge him for weeks, picking up my pace whenever I drew close to the site. Luckily, aside from the sound of a few hammers banging, the work site was quiet, as if most of the men had taken a break for lunch.
I sighed with relief that I was able to avoid him. For now, any
way.
When I reached the guard post, Samuel gave me a nod. He hadn’t spoken to me in weeks, either. My world was getting smaller and smaller within the confines of the compound. I’d lost my only true friend in the Cluff household, and one of the few men I trusted in the compound wanted very little to do with me, not wanting to be dragged into anything involving Porter Hammond.
My stomach gave a little flip.
Just the thought of Porter caused a physical reaction. Thoughts of his fingers against my skin, his smirk when he hinted at my subversive nature, and the way his words made me think.
Could I ever leave this life?
I’d be lying to myself if I pretended the thought didn’t cross my mind. But deep down, I knew the truth. I wasn’t a brave girl. I was a dependent girl, a naive girl, a silly girl for giving in to notions of an outsider stealing me away to build a new life.
A silly girl to think that Porter Hammond had thought of me the way I’d thought of him.
Lost in thoughts of Porter, I didn’t notice the footsteps behind me. When someone touched my shoulder, I spun around, my eyes widening in fear.
“I’m sorry to startle you.”
Burt Jameson looked haggard. His face had not been groomed, his shirt was untucked, and he smelled of grain alcohol. His eyebrows resembled large caterpillars on his fair face. As unattractive as they were, all I could remember were Rebecca’s words about how much she loved his eyebrows when he’d let them get a little too long.
How would she feel about those eyebrows now?
“Elder Jameson.”
“I know I shouldn’t be bothering you, Brinley, I know, but I’ve been watching you walk past for weeks and I just couldn’t resist anymore.” He paused, shaking his head and looking down at his hands. “I just have to know—”
“Know what?” Tears built in my eyes as I anticipated the question.
“My letter.” He swallowed hard. “Did you give her my letter?”
I nodded as tears filled my eyes.
“Oh.” Slowly, he licked his lips before gripping his bottom lip with his teeth. He turned away from me slightly and swiped at his cheek as he studied the ground at his feet. A moment passed before he raised his tortured eyes to me and asked, “Should—should I try again?”
Wife Number Seven Page 6