“Leila, I am unsure how to respond to this. I am perplexed. A symphony of emotions is surging through me and I am afraid.” He was afraid? I could not imagine what he meant and was tempted to ask, but bit my tongue and allowed him to continue. “I cannot pinpoint how I feel because there are so many things racing through my mind. I am afraid I will have to take some time to process that information. I am sorry to say this, Leila, I am afraid I need to do that away from you.”
I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. The air suddenly sucked from my lungs and I had the sensation I was drowning. I should have been prepared for that response, but somehow, I hoped he would not fulfill my own fear. Staring at him with wide eyes, I could feel the tears welling up from within, pooling at my lower lid. Nodding slowly, I begrudgingly walked around the penthouse and gathered my belongings.
He had every right to be angry. Every right to feel betrayed. I could not imagine how something like this would feel to him. I only knew how it felt to me. I would be lucky if he didn’t hate me completely.
Gordon returned my gaze, pain mixed with sympathy reflected in their depths. He reached out and stopped me from leaving after I had finished finding my personals. Turning me around slowly, he folded me into his arms. Gordon Roth had never in my experience been so vulnerable. I felt terrible inside for being the cause of such misery. He had been a tyrant of a boss for many years, but no one deserved the heartache I saw behind his eyes.
I felt him squeeze me tighter one final moment before he released me from his grasp. I didn’t say a word, as I felt I would completely lose it. Walking slowly toward the elevator, I glanced over my shoulder at Gordon one final time before leaving what had suddenly become my new world behind me. I could no longer hold them back. Tears flowed freely down my face as I covered my eyes with my hands and sank down to the floor. The doors chimed and slid closed, Gordon’s form silhouetted in the distance through blurry, tear-stained vision.
-4-
I managed to compose myself before reaching the lobby. Standing slowly because my knees felt as though they would give at any given moment, I reached for the railing behind me and peered into the reflective surface of the elevator doors. As best I could, I wiped the eye makeup that had found its way down my cheeks toward my chin, away with my palm just before the doors chimed and opened, revealing me to a couple waiting to board the car up to their floor. I must have looked like a crazy woman to them by the look on their faces.
“Excuse me,” I whispered as I whisked past them toward the exit. I did not know how much longer I could keep my emotions under control. Rushing out the door, nearly slamming into a concierge, I once again mumbled an apology and turned my head downward as I headed toward my car. The key finally found its home and I turned the lock, releasing the handle and opened the door, sinking into the seat and shutting the door securely behind me before the floodgates opened. I sobbed behind the wheel of my car for several more moments, oblivious to several on-lookers making their way past my car into the building .
When I finally composed myself, my breaths were coming in short gasps. Shoulders lurching forward with every effort. I flipped the visor down and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were swollen from crying and my eye makeup had completely washed down my cheeks, leaving large black streaks across my face. Using the back of my hand, I wiped my eyes roughly, forcing the mascara to yield to the pressure and somewhat fade as it transferred to my hand. I took a deep breath and finally managed to put the key into the ignition. As I drove from the parking lot toward my apartment, my heart felt like it had slivered in my chest. Broken into a thousand tiny, irretrievable pieces.
My drive home was, to say the least, a chore. My mind was still spinning with the last few days events. A thousand thoughts flew through my head like a NASCAR race, around and around they went. I tried desperately to pay attention to where I was going as I merged onto the freeway in the direction of my home.
What did you expect him to do? A voice in my head yelled repeatedly. You betrayed him in every way a person can betray someone. Keeping secrets is LYING!! I rubbed my forehead with my hand, attempting to physically force that thought away. I had kept Matthew a secret from Gordon, but, our relationship had nothing to do with Gordon and me. Matthew had established his place in my world long before him. And besides, it was never established that I was exclusive to him. I cursed myself for never having that discussion. I should have known better! Perhaps then he would not have been so surprised. Or upset. Or completely destroyed. What have I done?
I saw the exit sign looming in the distance, declaring I was almost home. Since I was so upset, I had decided to stay to the right so making my way into the exit lane was not as difficult as it could have been. When I began to slow to allow my vehicle time to stop at the end of the off-ramp, I sighed out loud. A small wave of relief washing over me. I could not wait to get home.
My apartment was a welcoming sight. I had not been there in several days. My time spent at the side of someone who likely hated me right now. When the bolt was secured, I made my way to the bedroom, threw my purse on the floor next to the foot of the bed and collapsed face first onto the mattress. I grasped the comforter with both hands as I felt my world coming down around me. I tried to cry, but no tears would come, I simply lay there sobbing to my empty room. The sound seemed to echo off the walls, surrounding me with my own sorrow. I crawled slowly up onto the bed and curled up in the mattress. As I lay there sobbing, I slowly fell asleep, the entire situation finally collapsed onto my shoulders at once. I welcomed the feeling as I knew that sleep would make it all go away. Even if only for a little while.
I woke up several hours later, feeling a little better from the rest I obviously desperately needed. Sitting up slowly, I swung my legs over the side of the bed until my feet touched the ground. My rumbling stomach told me I needed to eat, but I was in no mood to ingest anything. I knew I had to. There were other things to think about now.
Making my way to the refrigerator, I pulled the door open and peered inside. Taking stock of what I had on hand, I began to pull the ingredients for a turkey sandwich from the various locations inside. I spun around on my heel and elbowed the door closed before taking everything to the counter nearby. I was merely going through the motions as I constructed my meal. No mayonnaise of course, but mustard, lots of mustard. I added several slices of turkey to squaw bread and topped it with Swiss cheese and green leaf lettuce. When I was finished, I suddenly noticed how hungry I really was. I took my food back to my bedroom so I could continue to brood. Pity party, party of one.
After I finished eating, I felt much better. My head even began to clear a bit. I decided I was going to call off sick tomorrow. Partially because I thought better to show my face at work, considering Gordon did not want to see me at the moment. I pondered for a moment if that did indeed include work. In addition, I was still exhausted from several days of emotional turmoil and needed to rest. You have others to think about now too! My mother’s voice rang out in my head. I rolled my eyes and sighed out loud. That was something I hadn’t thought of until now.
How would I tell my mother? Madeline King would never approve of this situation. I could never tell her everything, of course. Knowing her she would find out somehow, eventually. I would hear about it, of that I was quite certain. In the back of my mind I reminded myself of her offer to have me work for her husband Bentley. Last resort, but in the event that I could not pull of working with Gordon and bearing his child, it would be my backup plan .
Something told me to check my text messages. A nagging voice in the back of my head suddenly piercing my consciousness as if there was something I needed to see. I walked quickly to my bedroom where my cell phone waited in the side pocket of my purse. Snatching it up quickly, the green light flashing indicating I had received some communication. I touched the screen and it sprung to life. My breath caught in my chest. It was from Matthew. I could not press the button fast enough to view the message
Goddess,
Please forgive me! I did not mean to hurt him. I just felt…I was going to lose you and I suddenly dreaded what the world would be without you. Please do not hate me. I fear that I have hurt him, badly. I am so very sorry. I will always be your faithful servant.
Your Pet Eternally,
Matthew
* * *
I re-read the message at least a dozen times before I peeled my eyes away from the screen. My heart ached for him. In a way, I could understand why he had done it. Eyes filling with tears again, I turned toward and sat down on the edge of my bed. Should I answer him? What would I say? A million thoughts raced through my mind at once. I noted the time the text had come in and decided not to answer him yet, if ever. It had only been an hour. He would wait, as he always did, on my response.
Since I had not showered in a while, I decided to draw a hot bath. Nothing made the cares of the world melt away better that a hot, steamy soak in the tub. I ran the water almost to the top, a habit I had developed because I hated when the water barely covered me. Dribbling a small amount of lavender oil into the water as it finished filling the tub, I dipped my toe in to check the temperature. Hot as I could stand without burning me, just the way I liked it. I slid slowly into the water and breathed in the lavender scent that filled the air. Lying back, I rested my head on the edge of the tub and closed my eyes. Enjoying my temporary sanctuary.
My eyelids grew heavy as I soaked in the lavender bliss. I was shaken from my relaxation suddenly as my phone began to ring. As quickly as I could, I stood and grabbed the towel I had placed nearby. I answered just in time to connect the call. It was Gordon.
“Hello? Gordon?” I panted into the mouthpiece.
For a moment, silence greeted me on the other end. In the distance, I could hear faint breathing and knew I had connected. My heart beat in my throat as I waited for a response. Any response. Finally, after an eternity of anticipating a response, his voice found my ear.
“Leila,” he sounded crushed, “I could not help myself. I had to call you. I am upset with you, yes, but my feelings for you outweigh my anger. I just need some time to process all of this, mess. Do you understand?” Gordon stopped speaking, clearly waiting for me to reply.
I was fighting back tears again as I carefully formulated my response.
“Of course, Gordon. That is completely understandable. I am so glad you called. I’m…happy to hear your voice.” A pang of guilt knotted in the bottom of my stomach as my mind flashed to Matthew’s message. Surely Gordon would be furious if he knew Matthew had contacted me, especially with what the message contained. Damning ev idence if I do say so myself. Gordon could never know of that text message. Ever.
“Me too, Leila, but what I have to say now may be a little difficult,” his tone turned dark and even over the phone, I somehow knew what was coming. “I am going to put you off work on two weeks, paid vacation. You can go in and gather any things from your office tomorrow as I will not be in, but I insist that you take this time to…” he paused. I could hear him sigh out loud before continuing. “Think about whether or not our professional relationship will work, all things considered.”
And there it was. I should have seen it coming. My thoughts wandered back to my mother’s offer again. I would be ok, but it hurt deeply that he was practically forcing me out of the job I loved and did so well. I had so many mixed emotions about it. I decided to keep my reflections to myself.
“I understand, Gordon,” I said finally. Carefully picking my way through my deliberations, I thought better of begging him not do to that. That it would not affect our working relationship. I would make sure of it. I knew better. He was right and I was actually grateful he was giving me two weeks off to get my head straight .
“Please, Leila, don’t take this the wrong way,” something in my voice must have given my thoughts away. “I just think it would be better if we keep our relationship to a personal one now that…” he trailed off before finishing his sentence. He could not bring himself to say what he had on his mind. I did not push.
“This is not how I wanted to leave my job, Gordon. You’re right and I cannot argue it would be, difficult to say the least. Don’t worry about me, I am sure I can manage.” I was almost choking on my words, fighting back the urge to cry. I knew he could hear it over the phone and I did not want to give him more grief.
“If you need anything, do not hesitate to let me know. I will be in touch often. I promise.” Somehow, I knew that it would be some time before I heard from him again.
-5-
When the sun pierced through the slats of the blinds in my bedroom, I rolled over, groaning and hauling the comforter with me and over my head. Sleep had not been my friend during the night. My mind was plagued with nightmares so real I could still feel the fiery touch of the devil on my ankle as he tried to pull me downward, clawing and scratching my way back to the surface of consciousness. If I could ignore the day entirely, I would be just fine.
I knew I had to go into my office and prepare everyone that depended on me for my “vacation.” Begrudgingly, I dragged myself out from underneath the safety of my blanket and headed toward the bathroom. Steam filled the air, fogging up the mirror quickly, as I let the water run for a few moments before easing myself inside. The hot water pouring down my face comforted me some. I let it flow as long as I could stand the heat before bowing my head forward and allowing the stream to reach my neck. After quite some time, I cleaned my hair and let the conditioner soak as I finished the rest of my body. It felt good, like I was washing away my transgressions .
Twisting my hair up into a towel to keep my wet hair from dripping about the place, I made my way to my closet and chose a comfortable, yet still professional suit dress. Its light grey polyester hugged my curves well and topped off with a large, black button fastened to the end of a bow just below my right shoulder. I towel-dried my hair quickly and ran my comb through its lengths in the bathroom before wiping the steam from the mirror. The face that stared back at me, I did not recognize.
My eyes were still puffy around the lids from crying the night before. Dark circles formed beneath them, making them appear far away. The striking blue color that normally greeted me seemed dulled. No sparkle left. That thought had me on the edge of tears. I fought hard to stuff it back down again when the room started swaying. My new friend nausea crept into my stomach where it churned and continued up finally stopping at the top of my esophagus. Good thing the toilet was so close in my small, apartment bathroom.
Turning my head quickly, while trying to kneel down as fast as I could, I lost the battle. My shoulders lurched forward with each heave as I emptied what little was in my stomach into the bowl. I read about morning sickness, but this seemed ridiculous. Oh, honey, every woman thinks that. Madeline King’s voice broke through my train of thought reminding me I needed to get ahold of her as I could figure out how to tell her…everything.
It was a good thing my mother taught me how to hide such a frightful face under the mask of makeup. I worked quickly, but diligently to hide any trace of my despair. Foundation, matte powder, light eyeshadow and some charcoal grey eyeliner. I finished it off with some lengthening mascara and a neutral lip gloss. Glancing back in the mirror, I felt much better about the reflection this time. I almost looked myself again.
Instead of twisting my hair up into a French twist or fashioning it into a tight braid at the back of my head, I threw it up into a loose ponytail. Since I was not staying, there was no need to go overboard. I pinned my long bangs over and twisted them with my finger, creating a soft ringlet at my temple. Finally satisfied with my look, I turned toward my bedroom and gathered my purse, keys and picked up my cell phone off the end table. The green light was flashing on the front. I quickly touched the screen and hit the incoming message button to reveal the sender.
Matthew !
Almost dropping the phone, I managed to open the message finally and reveal its conte
nts.
* * *
My Dearest Goddess,
I am dying inside and need to see you. Please grant me this favor, I beg of you.
Waiting with baited breath,
Your Devoted Pet,
Matthew
* * *
I held my breath. A faint ringing in my ears. The room started to sway as I tried to reach a safe place to ease myself to the floor. Gray light washed over my vision as I fell to my knees. I was vaguely aware of my hands moving forward to stop myself from hitting too hard. My head hit the floor, sending sparks across my vision before blackness was all around me.
My eyes fluttered open and flitted about. I was trying to recall what happened, where I was. My fingers found the side of my head where it had struck the floor, awakening the pain sensors and sending lightning bolts through my skull. That could not be good. I was shaking when I finally pushed myself into a seated position on the floor. The world swam before me. Knowing better than to stand too quickly, I stayed sitting there until it no longer felt like I was swimming under water. I had never fainted before and lamented for a few moments why it had happened. Pushing the thoughts from my head in favor of finding my cell phone to confirm what I had read was real; I frantically looked around me for it. It had fallen and skidded across the floor to the wall opposite of where I had fallen. I grabbed it quickly and flipped it over. A new crack the length of the phone glared back at me. Great. Just one more thing.
Fortunately, when I touched the screen it still came to life. I had not killed it. Good for me. Matthew’s message was still on the screen when it lit up. My heart was beating in my ears as my finger hovered over the reply button. I hesitated for what seemed like an eternity before touching the screen and typed my reply.
Leila: Goddess The Second Coming Page 3