I woke up in a sweat as I dreamed about my Aunt Betty. The thought of her beating me and throwing me into a dark closet wouldn’t leave my memory for shit. I prayed many nights for Mama to come back and save me, but she never came. I hoped Daddy would come and take me from that orphanage, but he never showed.
I lay across my bed, and a few tears rolled from my eyes as I thought about my horrifying past. To me, women were only good for one thing.
Wasn’t no telling when I would feel any differently, but I knew that treating them the way I’d been doing wasn’t going to make my life any better. Changes had to be made, but I knew that would take some time and willingness on my part.
29
NOKEA
Stephon and I cleaned up the place as best as we could, and then I asked him to leave for a short while so I could be alone. He called J’s Towing Service to come get his car, and they took it to Al’s Body Shop.
I was sick about what happened. I didn’t intend for things to go as far as they did, and I really didn’t expect Jaylin to be that upset with me about Stephon. I mean, they’d shared plenty of women before. Wasn’t no biggie for them, so why did he trip with me? And the baby? I wondered if he believed me when I told him the baby was his. Maybe that’s why he calmed down a bit and left. Either way, I’d never seen him that angry with anyone. I didn’t like the fact that it was me who had upset him the most. I was the one who was always there for him, and for him to call me those names was extremely hurtful.
Ever since I saw him, I couldn’t get him off my mind. The look on his face was terrifying, and I could only imagine how hard he was still taking the news. I’d known Jaylin for a long enough time, and I knew he’d shut out everyone and try to face this all alone. And, even though I enjoyed being with Stephon, I hated to admit that Jaylin still had my heart. Just having him in my presence did something to me.
Maybe I was wrong for sleeping with Stephon, but I had needs. I’d already gone thirty whole years without sex, and nine years without having sex with the man I loved. Since Stephon was the one who was willing to take care of my needs, I had to go with the flow. And Stephon wasn’t there only for my physical needs. He’d been there for me: cooking for me, massaging my body for me, listening to the baby’s heartbeat, and feeling the baby move—everything Jaylin should have been doing. It wasn’t my fault he decided to be with Scorpio.
I guess things didn’t work out with them either. He sounded upset with everybody, and I guess in his mind, he had good reason. But when was Jaylin going to realize that life didn’t revolve around him? He had his own little messed-up world, and if people didn’t do things his way, then there was no other way.
I sat around the house for hours and thought about Jaylin as I took care of the damage he’d done to my place. I had insurance on my piano, so the company I bought it from would replace the smashed one. I told them someone had vandalized my place. This guy Pat knew came over to fix my drywall. Pat came with him because I didn’t feel comfortable letting a strange man in my house.
When she walked in, she was stunned. Plaster was all over the floor, my table was without glass, and one of my expensive statues was without a head.
“Girl, what the hell went on up in here? I know you told me it was bad, but this is ridiculous. You need to send that motherfucker a bill. He can’t be coming over here tearing up your stuff like this.”
“Come on in the kitchen, girl. I know Jaylin was wrong for messing up my things, but if you think about it, he kind of had good reason to.”
“So if he would’ve punched you in your stomach, he would’ve been right? Is that what you’re saying, Nokea?”
“No. All I’m saying is maybe, just maybe, I was wrong for not telling him about the baby to begin with. And then, to turn around and sleep with his cousin? I . . . I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do.”
“I can’t believe that after all this fool done to you, you still sticking up for him. Now, you did what you had to do based on the situation he put you in. If Stephon—or anybody, for that matter—stepped in and picked up where Jaylin left off, then, hey, his loss. Although I’m not saying sleeping with Stephon was the best thing to do, because I think he’s a bigger ho than Jaylin is. If not a bigger ho, a smoother ho. He knows how to charm a woman out of her panties just like Jaylin. The problem is both of them fine, and now you’ve got your work cut out for you.”
“Pat, I don’t care about who’s the finest between them. All I care about is who’s going to be there for Nokea and her baby. That’s it. I want a man to love me and to be a good father to this baby. And if that’s Stephon, then that’s what I want. I can’t see Jaylin loving me like I want him to. Right about now, he wants to kill me. I don’t stand a chance with him anymore,” I said, looking down at the floor.
“Nokea, forget about who loves you for a minute. Where’s your heart? Who do you really want to be with? Now, I can tell you who I want you with, but you got your own mind. So, make your own decision.”
“What’s your recommendation, Pat? Who do you want me with?”
She looked at me and crossed her arms. “Neither one. Personally, I think you were wrong for sleeping with Stephon, but since I hate Jaylin so much, I went with the flow. You need to get rid of both of them and move on. You’re a beautiful person, Nokea, and you won’t have a hard time finding somebody who will truly love you.”
“But it’s not that easy. Being with Stephon is great, but my heart still belongs to Jaylin. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m worse off than I was before.” I put my head on the table and started to tear up again. Pat tried to console me, but even she said I messed up.
She stayed with me until Stephon came back over. When she opened the door, she stared him down like a bloodhound. I rushed her out the door because I didn’t want her starting no mess with him over the baby.
“Look, Nokea, you don’t have to push me out the door. I’m leaving. He already knows he ain’t got no business over here.”
“Pat, I got plenty of business over here. I got a baby on the way and a woman I love. If that ain’t enough business, then I don’t know what is.”
“Negro, please. Spare me the lies. Save them for Jaylin so he won’t whip your butt again. You know darn well that ain’t your baby, because if it was, you wouldn’t even be here. And love? Don’t make me sick. I think it’s pathetic and absurd you call yourself in love with Nokea. Too bad she don’t know any better because—”
“Pat, stop! I’ve had enough drama already. Please don’t do this, okay?” I asked politely.
She threw up her hands and walked out. “Call me later, girl. Love ya,” she said.
I shut the door and looked at Stephon. “Tell me, am I wrong for wanting to be happy? Can’t I be with who I want to and leave it at that?”
Stephon came over and held me in his arms. “Nokea, we both knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Baby, this is just the beginning. Hell, you haven’t even told your parents about us yet. I’m not sure how they’re going to feel about me being Jaylin’s cousin. But when all is said and done, we’re going to be happy together. You, her, and me,” he said, rubbing my belly.
“No, it’s a boy. I want a boy so I can name him—” I was about to say Jaylin, but I stopped myself. “A girl will be just fine.”
“No, no, now, if you want a boy then pray for one. And when he comes, we’ll talk about what to name him then.”
“I said a girl would be fine, Stephon. I don’t ever want to think about having a boy again.”
We sat on the outside deck and chilled. Stephon wanted to make love to me, but I couldn’t get with it. After he jumped in the swimming pool naked, I joined him. I wasn’t even ashamed of my fat stomach because he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman that walked the earth. He held me in the swimming pool and rubbed every part of my body.
Mentally, I still wasn’t there yet, so I hopped out of the pool and lay on a beach towel while looking up at the sky. Stephon played i
n the water and did all kinds of crazy flips, trying to make me laugh. Thoughts of Jaylin, however, continued to occupy my mind. When my laughter went away, Stephon came over and laid his wet body beside me.
“Shorty, I know you’re still in love with Jaylin, but just think about what we could have for a minute. I’m not trying to make you love me, but it would be nice if you would be willing to give it a try.”
I turned on my side and looked into Stephon’s eyes. “I’m trying, Stephon, but it’s so hard. Seeing Jaylin again kind of brought out some feelings I didn’t know were still there. So, be patient with me. I want this to work between us too, but it’s going to take some time.”
He kissed me from the top of my forehead to the bottom of my feet. He made love to me like this was the beginning of something special.
I was there with him for a while, but when I closed my eyes, I saw Jaylin. I squeezed my eyes tighter until he went away. I didn’t expect him to be away for long, and deep down, I knew the drama was just beginning.
30
JAYLIN
Since I’d last seen Mackenzie, it had been almost a month. I felt like I was in another world, and only left the house when it was necessary. I knew that leaving a lot would cause me to do something stupid, like go cuss out Nokea some more or provoke another fight with Stephon. I decided to let them have each other. As a matter of fact, they deserved each other. I was truly bothered by their relationship, but with Nokea being pregnant by him, what could I do? I knew her parents would want her to be with the father of her child, and Nokea would do anything to please her parents. It was over, and once again in my life, I had to accept the situation and move on.
Other than Nokea, Scorpio’s pussy was heavy on my mind. Since I was occasionally sticking my dick in Brashaney, the rest of my time was dedicated to finding Mackenzie. I’d been to one law firm after another trying to find out what I could do. After paying big dollars for consultation after consultation, I gave up. The only thing I heard was that if I wasn’t her biological father, there was little I could do.
I knew so little about Scorpio that I didn’t even know where to begin to look for her. I called her house, but the number had been disconnected. I even drove around Olivette to see if I saw her car parked somewhere, but no luck. I was starting to give up on them too, but something wouldn’t let me.
Since Ray-Ray’s party was that night at his cousin’s house, I stopped searching and went home, showered, and changed into one of my favorite outfits. I put on my black Armani wide-legged linen pants and my black-and-off-white, thick-striped linen shirt with an oversized collar. Then I put on my off-white gangster hat and tilted it to the side. GQ magazine didn’t know what they were missing. My Rolex was on one wrist, and my thick gold diamond bracelet was on the other. I was bling-blinging, ready to get my party on as soon as I sprayed on some Clive Christian. I put twenty hundred-dollar bills in my money clip and stuck it in my pocket.
I knew I’d see Stephon tonight, but I wasn’t backing down on going. I had other friends who would surely be in attendance, so what the hell?
As I was preparing to leave, Brashaney rang my phone. I had to answer because I didn’t want to mess up the only booty I had lined up, especially since I knew I’d probably want to get my sex on after the party tonight. The last time we hooked up, I went through her purse while she was asleep and peeked at her driver’s license. She didn’t lie about her age; she was actually twenty-seven, and I felt bad about not being able to trust her.
I ended the conversation with Brashaney and told her to meet me at my place around two in the morning. I told her to make sure she called before she came just in case I wasn’t home; then I jetted. I was looking good, feeling good, and smelling good, so I decided to drive my Boxster for the night.
Ray-Ray’s bachelor party was at his cousin’s mansion in Ladue, and I was dying to see what it looked like. I heard it was banging, but I also heard it wasn’t banging better than mine; however, when I pulled up, I knew I had some competition. I had to push an intercom button and announce who I was just for the gates to open up and let me in. Then, I drove up a long driveway lined with waterfalls and marble rock landscaping. And when I saw the house—damn! It was bad. Twice the size of mine, with big white columns in the front, like the White House.
When I pulled up in my car, one of the valets parked it alongside the other cars. Mercedes, Lexus, Lincoln, Cadillac, Jaguar, BMW; you name it, they were there. But I was glad to see that nobody had a Boxster like mine. The lot also had its share of fucked-up cars too, so I knew it wouldn’t be all good inside.
There was already about a hundred brothas outside, so I imagined what the inside would look like. As I walked past them, they checked me out from head to toe.
As soon as I hit the door, I saw men all over the place. There was a double staircase cluttered with people. Mesmerized, I stood in the spacious foyer, which was covered with green, black and white marble. Shit was off the hook. Whoever told me I could compete lied like hell.
I walked through the place, and I tried to figure out how I could be down. I was more infatuated with the house than I was with all the ladies that flounced around butt naked.
I finally stepped into the room where the party was actually happening. It was packed with fellas and the music thumped loudly. I bounced my head to the rhythm and quickly scoped one of my boys from the barbershop. He came up with a couple other brothas and asked what took so long for me to get there.
“Man, I was trying to hurry, but perfection takes a little more time,” I boasted. Yes, I was arrogant, but I didn’t give a damn.
“I heard that,” Ricky said, giving me five. “You know you clean, though, bro. And where in the hell did you get that shirt? It’s off the chain.”
I usually didn’t tell anybody where I got my things from because I didn’t want nobody trying to look like me. So, I pretended that I didn’t hear him, and then stepped away from Ricky to get a drink at the bar.
My eyes searched the crowded room for Ray-Ray, but I didn’t see him. I knew he was somewhere, but finding him would be like searching for a needle in a haystack.
As I tipped the bartender, the lights flashed on and off, which meant a stripper was on her way out to entertain. The floor cleared, and all the brothas, including me, watched as this dark chocolate sista came in and danced her way to the middle of the floor. She danced to a slow, funky song as we all watched and waited for her to take it off. She had on a red leather shorts outfit with her cheeks hanging out. Her tinted blonde hair was straight and hung down to her butt.
When she sat in a chair and stretched her legs straight out in the air, motherfuckers hollered like they ain’t never seen no pussy before. She grabbed this one brotha on the floor and put her goods all in his face. She tied him to a chair and pulled out some whips. Now, this shit was too damn freaky for me. Not interested in that kind of action at all.
I went back over to the bar and got another drink. A stripper who had already performed came over and stood next to me. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and threw a towel over her shoulder.
“So, are you having a good time?” she yelled over the music.
“Yeah, it’s cool. But have you seen the groom yet?” I asked, leaning down toward her.
“The last time I saw him, he was in one of the rooms upstairs.” Made sense. That was probably where I should’ve looked for him.
I smiled. “So, what’s your name?”
“My real name or my play name?”
“Whichever one you want to give me,” I said, really not giving a fuck.
“It’s Nicola. What’s yours?”
“Jaylin,” I said, looking to see what all the hype was about because the men were hollering again.
“So, Jaylin, did you see my performance tonight?”
“No, I just got here. I must have missed you.”
“Well, if you’d like, I can give you a private show in one of the rooms upstairs.”
I looked
down at Nicola and set my drink on the bar. No doubt about it, she was fine. But since I thought about how Scorpio probably put herself out there like this, I had to turn her down. She didn’t give up, though. She stood next to me while we both watched Dark and Lovely entertain.
When she finished, Dark and Lovely walked out of the room with all kinds of dollars stuck in her thong, down her top, and in her hand. I slid her a hundred-dollar bill because the sista worked hard for it. She smiled and whispered that she would be back.
Since Nicola hadn’t budged, I had no choice but to pay her some attention. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. Even though I knew I had it going on, I hadn’t paid her nearly much attention as the other men.
I finally saw Ray-Ray. He came down the steps with two chicks on his side. Stephon was right behind him with another chick.
I excused myself from Nicola and met Ray-Ray at the bottom of the steps.
“What’s up, playa?” I said and then gave him five. Stephon and me eyeballed each other as he walked away.
“Man, man, man! Where have your ass been? I’ve been bragging to all the ladies about my partna Jaylin and you just now getting here?”
“Fool, I’ve been here. Since I got here, I’ve been trying to find your ass. But you can’t be found if you don’t want to be,” I said, looking at the two chicks.
He laughed and took his arms from around them. “Hey, let me holla at you for a sec,” he said.
We walked into another room where just a few people were chilling on a circular leather sectional.
“Listen, I’m not going to hold you up, because I know you want to get your party on like I intend to do. But Stephon told me what happened. I’m hurt, man, because we’ve been boys for too damn long. And to let some bitch come between y’all, that ain’t even cool. I’m not saying y’all need to squash things tonight; all I’m saying is y’all need to get together and talk this shit out.”
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