by Nikita Singh
'Why did you go ...?' she kept asking. 'Now I have nothing left...'
Tutul was holding her and crying with her. Mili was hiding in her boyfriend's arms. Everyone around them was crying; it was so painful to see Shambhavi cry.
But it was nothing compared to what happened when Paris body was brought in. It was put in a small, closed casket. Arjun's heart stopped at seeing the size of the casket itself. She should not have died. She should have been in his arms, smiling ...
He did not have the strength to look at the closed casket anymore. It was just too painful to bear. But when he turned to Shambhavi, he realized what pain really was. She had gotten up from the floor, no longer holding her father's body.
She walked like a zombie towards the casket, which was kept at a height. All around it, flowers were decorated. She did not see the flowers. She just saw the casket. She started to open it.
'No, Shambhavi!' Arjun rushed to her side immediately.
She did not listen to what he said. She did not even look at him. There was no sign that she had even heard what he said. Her hand moved forward to undo the latch.
'Please, Shambhavi. Please don't.' Arjun said again.
This time, she responded. She still did not look at him. Her eyes never leaving the casket, she said, 'It's my baby. I deserve to ... hold her ... just once ...'
Arjun did not have anything to say. He wanted to move back. He did not have enough courage to look at Paris dead body. He just wanted to always remember her smiling face. That was the memory of his daughter he wanted to keep. He took a step back, but he could not move further away. He could not leave Shambhavi alone. Not again, not like this. He stayed there, right behind her, trying not to look inside the casket.
Just then, Shambhavi undid the latch and bent forward. She suddenly gave a yelp, looking at the dead body. Arjun looked away, he blocked his vision, but he could not block sound.
'Shambhavi ...he whispered, still trying to stop her.
'I want to hold her ...' Shambhavi murmured. 'But I ... can't...'
'It's okay, baby ... Don't.'
'Help me.'
He turned to look at her. And then he realized what she was saying. She wanted to hold Pari, but she could not, not because it was too painful, but because of her broken arm. She could not lift her child. And she had just asked him for help.
Once again, the desire to run away hit him, this time with double the force. He did not want to expose Shambhavi and himself to more torment. He just wanted to shut the casket close and not look at their dead daughter's body ever.
'Please ...' Shambhavi said and turned to look at him for the first time since he had been standing there. Her eyes begged him. There was distress in those eyes. He looked away. 'Please...'
He nodded. He wanted to ask Mili or Tutul to do it, but he did not want to subject them to the suffering either. He moved forward. The sight of his baby made him pause. She looked the same. There was no change in her from when he had seen her the previous day. The only difference was the very tiny cotton balls plugged in her very tiny nostrils.
Her skin was still pink, almost translucent. The veins were visible underneath. Her face looked still the same. The wrinkles were still there, so was the wound on her shoulder, visible slightly, above the white cloth she was wrapped in. Her eyes were still closed. And would never open.
He walked close to the casket and very slowly, moved his hands forward. He slid them under her gently and lifted her up, extremely carefully. She was very light, her weight felt like feather in his arms. He was holding her, with one hand under her neck and the other under her hip, cradling her tenderly, as if she was still alive. He looked at her from up close. He could not look away.
Up close, she looked much weaker. It was not that she did not look weak from a distance. She did, very much so; it was not a pleasant sight. He moved his finger from under her neck and caressed her skin. It was his first skin-to-skin touch with his daughter. He wished he could have felt good about it. He was about to break down. He bent forward and kissed her lovingly on her one cheek and then the other.
He straightened up and looked at her once more, before he positioned Pari into Shambhavi's arms. Shambhavi held her behind the neck, but Arjun still kept his hand at her hip, since Shambhavi could not lift weight with her right arm due to the fracture. He stayed there, closer to her than he had been since a long time and they held the baby between them, together.
They were a family. A broken one, but a family.
Shambhavi started speaking to the baby. Loud enough just for Pari to hear. But unfortunately, Arjun was there too. But he didn't think that she even registered the fact that he was there while she talked to the baby ... their baby.
'I'm so sorry ... Pari ... Mumma's sorry ... I didn't mean to hurt you ... I just wanted to help your grandpa ... he was hurt ... he was bleeding ... did you hear him shout?'
Shambhavi's face crumpled and her tears fell on Paris cheek. Arjun raised his other hand and wiped them away.
'My baby ... my Pari ... I am so sorry ... just know that mumma loves you, okay? Have loved you ever since you became a part of me ... Pari, I am so sorry I could not take care of you ... I ... I could not ... I'm just so sorry ... I wanted to ... create a good world for you to take birth in ... I had saved for you ... was going to start decorating your room ... I had so many plans for you ... so many dreams...'
Arjun could not look at Shambhavi. He kept looking down, at Pari, instead, which in no way was less painful.
'I had dreamed about ... everything ... You were supposed to be my world ... You were my future ... now I do not have anything ... to live for ... Mumma wants to come to you, Pari ... I want to die...'
Arjun inhaled alarmingly. A chill ran down his spine.
'Shambhavi ... don't say that ...he whispered.
She did not listen to him. She just kept looking at her Pari. 'You were ... you were ... You were supposed to have cute pigtails and a collection of Barbie dolls. You were supposed to grow up to love the Twilight books. To have a crush on a rash guy I would've hated ... to make my life hell as a teenager ... to hide greeting cards under your mattress ... to ... But you ... You never even ... opened your eyes ...' Shambhavi struggled to say something more, but could not.
Before she could inflict any more torture to herself, Arjun gently put his hand underneath Paris head and pulled her away from Shambhavi. He turned around towards the casket and placed her there gently. He delicately removed his hands from under her.
Shambhavi came forward and stooped down to kiss Paris forehead. She touched her cheek with a finger and closed her eyes. Once she moved back, Arjun closed the casket carefully and stepped back. Shambhavi looked at him and started crying. She did not look strong enough to be standing. Arjun held her and surprisingly, she did not protest.
She felt warm in his embrace. She should have been resting; she had fever. Her body was burning up, her eyes were red and breathing ragged. But she refused to rest.
She stayed in his arms silently. She cried, but her sobs were muted. She did not say anything. She just shook in his arms, with her head burrowed into his chest. They stood there for a long time, crying with each other, sharing their sorrow. He knew she had not forgiven him. She probably just did not realize who she was with right then.
But he wanted to make the most of it. He might never have Shambhavi in his arms again. And after the distress he had felt since so long, he needed to hug her. So he did. He did not say anything, lest it reminded her who he was. He just kept holding her, close to him, and drew solace in her closeness.
Eventually, Pari was taken away, in her casket, to be buried underground. But Shambhavi did not move. Arjun kept her in his embrace when she protested Pari being taken away. She hid her face in him and did not see her baby being buried.
'I want to ... die...' she mumbled.
'No. Don't say that. Never say that. You have to live,' he breathed back.
She shook her head in his chest furio
usly to protest.
He held her still, confined her in his arms and she clung to him for support. Her entire body shook in convulsions. Her knees gave out and he was the only thing keeping her up. He transferred all her weight onto himself and held her in place.
'Let's go?' he asked when he saw Mr Sen's body being put on the pier to be burned.
She shook her head again.
He nodded reluctantly. They stood there till the rest of the ceremony. She looked up occasionally to see what was being done to her father and Pari. Then she hid herself back into his arms.
If he thought his own family's death was the most painful thing he had gone through, that changed when he saw Shambhavi in this state. He could have given anything to save Pari, not for himself, but for Shambhavi. And he had done everything; the doctors had tried every treatment known to man. But it had not worked. Nothing had.
Arjun had been too late. He should have been there right from the beginning, right from the time he got to know about Paris existence. He should have been with Shambhavi all the while, should have averted the accident. Should have prevented Shambhavi from turning into a living zombie.
No matter how hard we try, some wounds never heal. Time might make them fainter, but the agony stays, never leaving.
month had passed and there was still no life in Shambhavi. She had not shed a single tear ever since the funeral. She had depleted her stock of a lifetime of tears in that one day. She had gotten sick because of all the emotional stress, combined with the physical state she was in.
She had been taken back to the hospital immediately. Her body was in searing pain, as was her heart. The accident had resulted in multiple injuries all over her body. The pre-mature delivery had depleted her of energy and her mental state had taken a toll on her. The doctors ordered her bed rest for three weeks, out of which two weeks had passed, with no change in her mental condition.
Physically, she was getting better. The fracture in her arm was healing and the other bruises were healing even faster than that. Her spine had received a shock due to her fall, but it was not major ... nothing a little physiotherapy could not take care of. She had been under constant medical supervision for some reason or the other.
But her physical condition was not what Arjun was worried about. Despite the setback, she was recovering quickly. Her health was better than they had any right to expect. He did not worry about that. What he worried about was her mental health.
She was deeply depressed and that was not showing any signs of permanent recovery. Her depression had its phases, but one thing was common all the time-she was always aloof, indifferent, detached. It was like nothing mattered to her. Which was probably true. There was nothing worth mattering left in her life. She must have expected her father's death sooner or later. He was sick; he was going to pass away, she had known. But Paris death was what had crushed her. She had seen her whole future in her unborn baby. She had attached herself too much to her child. With her gone, she did not have a reason to live.
Arjun still remembered the things she had said. They still came back to haunt him in the depth of the night. He had no control over them. He wished he had never heard her say those words. He was breaking. The nightmares were slowly draining all the life out of him.
I had saved for you ... was going to start decorating your room...I had so many plans for you...so many dreams ...
You were supposed to be my world ... You were my future...now I do not have anything...to live for...Mumma wants to come to you, Pari ...
I want to ... die ...
He remembered every word she had said, with painful precision. He wished he did not. She had not shown any sign of remembering being in each other's embrace when it all happened. It was as if she had not realized that it was he who had held her through the pain.
Ever since that day, he had been with Shambhavi every second. He had never left her side. He knew she did not want him there. But she did not say anything. And that was the problem-she was not saying anything ... anything at all, to anyone. Not her friends, not anyone at the hospital, and especially not him. She was not even looking at anything. Her eyes were always open, blinking very rarely. Her gaze saw through everything. Her eyes did not rest on anything.
And nothing was making it better. The hospital was concentrating on her physical wellbeing. For the emotional, they had referred her to a psychiatrist. The shrink could not get Shambhavi to even listen, let alone speak. The hospital was doing everything in its power; she was being given all kinds of medication. But nothing was working on her. She stayed in her cocoon. She did not want to come out.
Arjun was scared. He could not see Shambhavi like this. If she wanted him out of her life, fair and good; he would go gladly. But he wanted her to at least say that to him. To shout, to be furious, to insult him-anything. But he could not ... would not ... go unless she asked him to. He knew she needed him. Maybe even she did not know that, but he did. She was not going to get better staying in the hospital. He could not wait for her treatment to finally start showing results.
He was desperate. He wanted to do something. He feared that if she was left in such a state for long, it would eventually become her constant state. He could not let that happen. He had to do something.
'How is she?' Arjun asked. He was at Miii s office, an uninvited guest. But he had no other option. No one was taking his calls. No one was calling him back. And he could not live with that. He had to know.
'Still the same. Why did you come here? I told you not to,' Mili said softly, motioning him to sit. He was drawing unwanted attention; her co-workers were staring from their cubicles.
'Because you weren't answering my calls.'
'Because I had nothing to tell. If there is a change in her condition, I will tell you. Right now, there isn't any.'
'For how long are we going to wait? Her condition won't change itself. I have been at the hospital all these days too, watching from a distance, because Tutul doesn't let me into the ward. I know that she is not going to get better like this. We will have to do something, for that to happen,' Arjun said.
'What can we do? She knows we are there with her. She is taking all her medications on time. There is nothing else that can be done.'
'We need to take her out of the hospital. That is where all the depression is coming from. She is constantly in contact with patients and doctors and nurses. There is sadness all around. She feels like a patient. She will never get normal again if she does not get out of there.'
'You have a point, but she is not strong enough to live alone. Accept it or not, she is a patient. She needs supervision,' Mili said, sadly.
'I will be there with her. I won't leave her side for even a second. I will make sure she is okay.'
'Are you kidding? She will never agree to that.'
'We don't need her permission. We just need Tutul on our team,' he said.
'Tutul hates you, Arjun. You know that.'
'And that's where you come in. It is your job to convince her. Convince her to let us do this, not for me, but for Shambhavi. She won't say no to that.'
'I can try. But, I don't know ... Mili seemed to think it over in her head. She reached a conclusion and said. 'Okay. Consider it done. What do we do?'
'I have a plan.'
He was happy with the progress already. When they had told Shambhavi that they were getting her discharged from the hospital and bringing her back home, she had not blinked an eyelid. It was almost as if she had not even heard them. But when she was asked to sign the documents and she found out that Arjun was paying for all the expenses, a spark of fire had returned into her eyes.
'I would happily sell myself before I accept that man's money,' she had said furiously.
She was angry, but it was an emotion. For Arjun, it was progress.
As Tutul helped Shambhavi walk and they got into her house, Arjun felt a stipple of hope. They brought her inside her bedroom and made her sit on her bed. Arjun had been there before, with Mi
li, to stash away anything that could remind her of Pari. The toys Shambhavi had already started to buy were carefully concealed, away from sight.
Shambhavi sat down on her bed and did nothing. She did not even change her posture or make herself comfortable. There was no recognition in her eyes. Arjun doubted she even knew that she was back home. Her eyes were blank.
Tutul motioned Arjun to come out; she wanted to talk to him in private. He wasn't sure it was a good sign.
'What now?' she hissed, as soon as they were in the dining room, out of Shambhavi's hearing range.
'As planned. The room will be ready in three days, right?' Arjun asked.
'Yes. Three days, if everything goes right. What do we do till then?'
'Just wait, I guess.'
'What kind of a stupid plan is this? Even if I believe that your plan will work and she will snap out of her trance as soon as she enters the room, what are we going to do till the room is ready? We need to get a nurse to take care of her. She cannot be alone. And I really, really want to be with her, but I have just gotten my job back after so much begging...I cannot be unemployed again... Tutul panicked. She had given up her job to work on the interiors of his hotel-The Green Meadowbut since the hotel never actually opened up, the project did not do the wonders to her career that she had been hoping for. Arjun knew she held that against him too. But not for long. Now that he was back, he was planning to do something about inaugurating the hotel soon.
'Relax. You do not have to be here all the time. Your visits would be enough,' Arjun said.
'But then who will stay here fulltime? I know Mili does not have that kind of time either ... Maybe she would be able to do it, but her office ...'
'Mili does not have to be here either. I will stay with Shambhavi.'
'What? You? Do you think you can trap me into this? I'll never leave you alone with Shambhavi,' Tutul snarled.
'What do you think I would do? Take advantage of her? In this condition? I know you hate me Tutul, but even you know that I care about her. I would never cause her any harm ... again.'