by Nikita Singh
He stared at the sheet of paper in his hand. He crushed it and threw it away. It was the only thing in the empty room. Arjun stared at it. He wished he could go back in time and set everything right ... never having let the accident happen. No one would have died. Mr Sen, Pari, Shambhavi ...
Sometimes, we get so blinded by our grief that we do not see the pain others are going through. Sometimes, we get so blinded by the grief others are feeling that we do not see our own pain.
The latter is something only someone who loves truly and completely is capable of. That is the purest form of love.
There is so much more happening right in front of our eyes, if only we really try to see.
omething stirred inside her. As Shambhavi saw Arjun leave her bedroom, she struggled with a question-was he crying? Was that really a tear that rolled out of his eye?
She stared at the door he had closed behind him. For the first time in what seemed like ages, she felt like getting up. She wanted to follow him to wherever he went. But she felt drained inside. She did not have any energy to get up and move. She wondered why that was. She had been eating and taking her medicines on time, but she still never felt alive anymore. She was always dull, always tired.
It was not like she needed energy anyway. She had nothing to live for. She did not even need to get out of bed in the morning. If left up to her, she would just turn over and die.
She heard the things people around her said, but she just mentally blocked all of that out. It was tiring to listen to what everyone kept saying and making sense out of it. Emptiness was better. There was nothing to worry about, nothing worth caring.
She liked being alone, doing nothing. It was relaxing. And it kept her away from feeling. Feelings hurt. Feelings wreck your world and turn it upside down. They hurt you beyond the amount you can endure. It becomes a blood bath in your head. So many emotions, so many sentiments -all of them storming your head, trying to drown you in grief.
She needed blankness to keep away from all of that ... thinking, remembering. That was what kept her alivekeeping an empty head. It was easy when she was conscious; she could control her thoughts, block the feelings and the associated torture out and just exist.
It was the nights that were really painful. Every time she drifted into sleep, the memories crowded back. Grotesque images of the night of the accident ... of seeing her father fall off the stairs, his voice as he shouted out her name, again and again, to make her get up and call for help ... He knew he was not going to make it. He had been worried about her, and her unborn baby ... He had shouted and shouted and shouted, till he had nothing left in him ... he had died there. Her father ... her only family.
When she had regained consciousness, he was no more. And she could feel warmth seeping out of her womb ... That was the most horrific scene she had ever seen. Her child ...
She did not remember much of what happened after that. She was mostly unconscious, drifting in and out. But she remembered feeling pain. Everything ached. She did not know whether it was the physical agony or the mental that hurt her more. It just hurt.
When Dr Mishra had told Shambhavi the next morning that she had given birth to a baby girl, she had instantly named her Pari. She was her angel. After the terrifying night, it was her baby's birth that had brought her relief. She had not expected the baby to be alive; she had seen the blood that had drained out of her. It was by a miracle that her baby was living.
The happiness did not last long.
Dr Mishra fed her with information. She told her about the complications, Paris condition, what needed to be done, what kind of hope they had ... Shambhavi had stopped listening after a while. She just knew that there was not much time left ... she wanted to be with her daughter. But no one let her be close to Pari. They said Shambhavi needed to rest. What they did not know was that she did not care about herself. Just her baby.
Finally, what she feared happened. Pari was no more. The first time she got to touch her child, to hold her was after she was dead. She had stopped caring after that. She had felt the sting of feeling things, and she had realized she was not strong enough to handle it. So she had created a shell around herself and retreated inside it.
She had felt people trying to get to her, to make her respond, but she did not want to. So she just blocked everything out for her mental peace. The only time she felt pain was during the nights. Whenever the memories, the nightmares haunted her, she found Arjun there. He would shake her and wake her up to push the nightmares away. Every time she woke up, she found Arjun sitting at the exact same place - on the settee near her bed. She did not tell him that, but she was grateful to him for helping her chase the nightmares away.
Whenever she started shaking in her dreams, Arjun would wake her up and hold her close to him. He would rub her back and whisper things in her ear. She never listened to what he said; she just mentally thanked his warmth in the cold centre of the nights.
He was the only one who was succeeding in breaking the walls around her and entering. She had been trying to block him out, but he had been persuasive.
As she stared at the door he had closed behind him, she wondered why he was doing what he was doing. She could understand that he wanted to pay for their medical expenses out of guilt of abandoning them, she could also understand that he was trying to help her through all this because he felt pity for her condition, but what she didn't understand was his tears.
She had not expected him to stick around for so long and continue trying to help her. Guilt could have brought him back, pity could have made him buy back all her paintings, but they won't make a man cry, will they?
Did that mean that he really cared?
The thought made her pause. She had to find out. She got up from her bed and slowly walked towards the dining roomthe one place of her house from where she could see the entrance of all the rooms. She knew that the guest room was empty, except for her paintings hanging on the wall. She peeked into the living room and the kitchen-he was not there. She went on to check the washrooms-same result. That left her father's bedroom and the basement.
The basement was locked from the outside, which spared her the need to go in and check. She knew she could never enter the basement again without the horrific images from that night attacking her.
She went to check for Arjun in her father's room. That was where he must be sleeping at nights, she realized. To think of it, she had never once since they brought her back home, thought where Arjun slept. Every time she woke up during the nights, she found him in her room, sitting in the corner. She entered her father's room-it was empty. It seemed like no one had entered the room since that night about three weeks ago.
She went to the guest room-it was empty as expected. Where was he? Her heart started racing, as she wondered if he had gotten fed up of her and left for real. There was no reason for him to stay, anyway.
Just then, her eyes fell to the floor of the guest bedroom, where she saw a crumpled piece of paper lying. She went to it and knelt down carefully to pick it up. Her knee hurt, so did her arm. She uncurled the sheet of paper. It was a handwritten note. It had three words, 'TO RUN AWAY scribbled on it, several times. Below it, there was a long paragraph. She read the first few lines and realized that it was a poem.
By the time she finished reading the poem, she was breathing heavily. All this time, she had been so absorbed in her grief, that she had closed her eyes to the world. She had not seen Arjun dealing with his own misery, teamed with this magnitude of guilt and helping her through it too, all at once.
She ran around the house, looking for him. She checked the balconies and the lawn. She went to the back door and peeked out. He was not in the house. Where had he gone? The sudden desperation to have him close to her was overwhelming. What if he has left? For real? For always? she panicked.
But something told her that he would come back. She knew he would never run away again, not unless she asked him to go ... his poem told her that.
Befo
re she could do anything else, there was a sound of the door opening and her heart skipped. She saw Mili enter through the front door.
'Hey there,' Mili said, cheerfully.
Shambhavi did not say anything. She wanted Arjun. No one else.
'Arjun called me and said he won't be able to stay here tonight. So I thought I would spend the night with you. It'll give us some girl time too. With Arjun around all the time, it becomes impossible for me to catch you alone nowadays.'
Arjun was not coming back for the night. Her heart felt heavy with guilt-of what she had been making him go through, of misunderstanding him and never giving him a chance to explain.
'I got some Chinese food on the way. I'm so fed up of my own cooking,' Mili blabbered away.
Ever since Shambhavi had stopped listening to people, she had found that people around her talked more than before. Mili kept feeding her all kinds of useless information, but once again, Shambhavi was not listening. She felt awful. She needed to talk to Arjun.
Mili served the food and they sat down to eat. No matter how hard Shambhavi tried to shove the contents of the fork inside her mouth, she could not.
'Eat, Shambhavi,' Mili said softly. She put her own fork down.
Shambhavi shook her head. She saw the surprise in Mili's eyes on seeing her respond. Through action, but response still.
'Why? You will only get weaker. We need you to regain your strength. Dr Mishra said it's important. We need you healthy,' Mili pleaded.
Shambhavi did not care.
'Please. You need to recover. This is important. If you ever want to ... be a mother again...' Mili said.
Shambhavi's eyes shot towards her friend's.
Mili nodded.
Shambhavi silently picked up her fork and started cramming food into her mouth. She had let people trick her into eating once again. But this time, she felt Mili was serious. Mili did not know how to lie anyway. She finished the rest of her food and waited for Mili to finish hers.
'Do you want to watch some TV? Should I put on an episode of something?' Mili asked. 'Come with me. I'll put on an episode of the good old Simpsons.'
Shambhavi followed Mili to the bedroom and sat down on the bed when she instructed her to. Mili fiddled with her DVD collection and the remote and after playing something on the TV, went to the dining room to clear away the plates.
Shambhavi stared at the television. It might as well have been switched off; she did not see anything. She kept thinking about Arjun, wishing he would come back soon. She wanted to ask Mili about him, but she had become too used to not speaking; it felt weird to use words.
That night, she did not sleep. Mili was in the bed, next to her, in deep sleep. Shambhavi knew that if she slept, she would wake up in cold sweat and Mili would panic. Besides, she did not want Mili to be the one chasing her nightmares away. She wanted Arjun. Only Arjun.
Every time she closed her eyes, the nightmare came back to haunt her. She spent the night up, not even closing her eyes, dreading the nightmares. She realized how much she really needed Arjun in her life, how much his presence meant to her. She wondered how she would be able to live, if he never came back.
'How are the ladies doing this morning?' he asked cheerfully.
When she saw him enter her bedroom the next morning, she paused chewing. Mili had served French toast in bed and was forcing it down her throat, along with milk. She gulped and stared at him. She could not believe he was there for real. Despite the poetry, she had thought he would leave her, like he had before ...
'Oh, Arjun, you're here,' Mili said. She was dressed in her office shirt and a pencil skirt. 'I was just about to call you. I need to run.'
Arjun did not look at Mili. His eyes were locked with Shambhavi's ever since he had entered the room. He was paused at the door, just as Shambhavi was paused on the bed. She held his eyes-not blinking even once-in the fear that he would disappear.
'Arjun,' a gasp escaped her lips and she suddenly got to her feet and rushed into his arms.
The world seems a better place, with that one person by our side.
rjun could not believe it was actually happening. He had lost all hope and had gone away, not to leave her but to tell himself to be strong, and be by her side ... somehow ... no matter what. And when he came back, it was as if Shambhavi had come back too. He had seen her expression change from blankness to surprise, from surprise to belief, from belief to happiness ... Should he dare to believe that his eyes were not fooling him?
He had seen her face crumple up almost instantly, tears rushing from her eyes. She had called his name. His name, he thought happily. And she had run towards him, and thrown herself into his arms.
'Arjun ...she said again, holding him tightly to herself.
He looked at Mili, whose face had the exact same shocked expression as his. He raised his eyebrows as if to ask what was going on. She shrugged at him and buried her face in this chest.
'Shambhavi?' he asked, looking at the top of her head. That was all he could see of her. She had dug the rest of her face too deeply in his embrace. 'Is everything okay?'
'Arjun,' she repeated in a muffled voice, still hiding in his chest.
'Yes, Shambhavi. I'm here. Tell me -what's wrong?'
'Everything. Just ... everything ...'
'Nothing is. It's all getting better, can't you see? You are getting better,' Arjun said. He saw Mili sneak out of the room.
'It's not. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,' Shambhavi broke down completely.
'Sorry? Why are you saying sorry? It is I who ruined everything ... who caused all of this. If anything, I should be the one apologizing...'
'No, you should not. You did nothing,' Shambhavi protested.
'Exactly. I did nothing, when I should have been taking care of you. I doubted you. I didn't trust you, when I should have. I am not making excuses or defending myself, but trust me, Shambhavi-I had reasons to be doubtful. I have been caught in this trap once ... I could not take the risk ...'
'You should have given me a chance.'
'Yes. I should have. But I did not. I left you alone. I am such a horrible person,' he said, disgusted by himself.
'Don't say that. That's not true. You are a good man. Or you would not have stuck with me all this time, trying so hard to help me get through this ...'
'I was just trying to right my wrong. That's the least I can do.'
'Arjun ...' Shambhavi held his face in her hands and looked up at him. 'Please don't say that. It was not your fault. What happened to my dad and Pari-it was an accident.'
'An accident, which would not have happened had I been there with you, to take care of you.'
'Don't beat yourself up, Arjun. Just don't. I cannot see you like this. I'm so sorry. I was so blind; I did not see how much pain you were going through. I did not see how shattered you were by Paris ...'
Shambhavi's voice broke and Arjun shook his head to make her stop speaking. And she did. So did he. They slipped to the floor where they were standing and sat down, holding each other with all their might. They talked to each other. Arjun told her about everything he had felt, had gone through and regretted and Shambhavi told him about everything she had felt. They lost track of time. They just kept on talking. It was as if they would never stop. There were so many things to talk about. So many things he wanted to tell her.
His fear, his torment ... he told her about every single feeling he had felt ever since he had gone out of her life, locking himself away under his factory building. He explained to her why he had doubted her, desperately trying to make her see why he had done what he had. He told her about his parents, he told her about Prehal ... he told her everything.
'I can't believe ... there is so much you have gone through ... so much ache... Shambhavi stammered. She seemed unable to speak properly.
'Everything has gone so badly awry in my life ... when you came, a flicker of hope, I was too afraid to let myself go. But I took a leap of faith ... I let myself fall for you ..
. and then you told me about the baby ...'
Shambhavi nodded.
'It was not like I did not want to trust you, but I just could not take the risk. And after I left that day, I sent you the cheque I said I would. And until recently, I was under the notion that you cashed it. That made me feel that you really were after my wealth ...'
'That cheque? I didn't even know about it until I got home and opened the envelope. And I never cashed -'
'I know. I know,' Arjun said, trying to calm her down. He had found out about her need to earn her keep recently. She did not accept help from anyone easily. She was one of those people who did it all on their own. He respected that. 'Faisal told me.'
'Oh,' Shambhavi said.
Arjun explained to her how he had found out about everything from Faisal and had rushed back to her. But he had been too late. Shambhavi listened to him patiently, snuggling closer.
Then, out of nowhere, she started crying again.
'No, no. Please don't. Shambhavi,' Arjun tried desperately to stop her. 'It's getting better. Let it. Don't think about it.'
But she kept on sobbing. It felt to Arjun as if he had been taken back to the day of the funeral. She dug into him and cried her heart out. He did not want to let her, because it hurt him too much. But then he decided it was probably for the best. She needed to vent the pain out; she had been keeping it all bottled up for too long.
He let her cry. She kept crying. A flood of tears broke inside her and it kept on flowing for hours. He held her and shook her lovingly, whispering sweet nothings into her ears, telling her it would all be okay.
She spoke aloud. All her fears, all the nightmares that haunted her-she told him about everything. She told him that he was the one who had kept the nightmares away. She told him that she needed him.
Then, she started talking about Pari. She told him how Pari used to kick her, how she felt from over her belly when she rubbed her palm against it. She told him about all the toys she had started buying for her baby. About how she had been terrified upon seeing the blood.