by Shar Dimick
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
Shar Dimick
Copyright © 2012 Sharlyn Avina Dimick
Cover Design Copyright 2012 © Sharlyn Avina Dimick
Cover Photo Copyright 2012 © Roystudio at Dreamstime.com
Author Photo Copyright 2012 © M. J. Brazier
Published by Sharlyn Avina Dimick
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law, without permission in writing from Sharlyn Avina Dimick.
For more information contact Sharlyn at [email protected].
This is book a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Dimick, Shar (2012-05-09). Take a Deep Breath. Shar Dimick. Kindle Edition.
Dedication
Emily and Sophie thank you for giving me the quiet time I needed to write and the encouragement to keep going. I love you.
Table of Contents
Dedication
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Thank you for reading Take a Deep Breath
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Thank you Mom and Nora for the long hours you spent editing and proofing this novel as well as the love and encouragement you gave me along the way. I couldn’t have done it without you. You’re the best!
Chapter One
Jeb tilted her chin upward to meet his eyes. He glanced at her mouth and then searched her eyes. Her heart quickened and she knew in that moment he was going to kiss her …
After reading the same paragraph three times in the last ten minutes, Liv flicked off her eBook reader and laid it on the oak side table. Her long, lean legs were curled up beneath her and she rested her head on the back of the soft oversized chair. She closed her eyes and swallowed the tears that were ready to fall. Not even the anticipation of the heroine’s first kiss could hold her attention. Losing herself in a good romance had always helped Liv escape before. Not today, though. The only thing lost was her concentration. Her husband, make that ex-husband, Ron’s accusing words continued to linger in her mind. She struggled to push back her self-doubts. Maybe, he was right. Maybe, she was selfish. Maybe, she had ignored his needs. Maybe, her expectations about what made a good marriage were wrong. Maybe, she should have tried harder before giving up. She just didn’t know anymore. Walking away was the hardest decision she ever made. In her heart though, she knew it was the right one.
Liv rubbed the back of her neck and shoulders, trying to relieve the built-up tension. She glanced around the familiar room. The walls were painted a sunny shade of yellow. Along the far wall a bookcase held her grandparents’ old romance and western paperbacks. Liv smiled at the various childhood images that paraded across the shelves - from the toothless grade-schooler to the college graduate. Photos of her sisters and cousins also lined the shelves and tables of her grandparents’ cottage – neatly dusted and forever preserved memories. Her grandmother never put a new photo in front of an old photo; she simply bought another frame and found a new place to hang it. Liv felt safe here in her home away from home. The love of her family surrounded her. When she was at the cottage on Lake of the Pines, she could just be. And that is what she intended to do for the next month – just be.
Her grandmother was out and about running errands with her daughter, Sara, and would be back soon. So for now, Liv was alone. She stood to stretch her legs that had gone numb beneath her. She found herself in front of the large window that overlooked the lake below. She never grew tired of the view, of watching the waves lap the shore, the dock bobbing up and down, the sail boats slicing the water… She could still hear the sounds of motor boats and jet skis although the window was closed. It was starting to cloud over as if it might rain. Liv shook her head “no,” as the panic suddenly began to rise within her. The familiar tingling began in her upper arms and ran down toward her fingers. She began to pace as tears started flowing freely down her cheeks. Her heart raced faster and faster as the heaviness in her chest pressed down making it hard to breathe. Nausea overwhelmed her, causing her to gag. Not again. Please God, not again.
The cottage suddenly felt incredibly hot and much smaller than it had moments ago. She pulled off her old green sweatshirt over her head and tossed it on the chair she’d vacated. Her slender form was lost in the pink, “My Mom Fights like a Girl” t-shirt she wore beneath it. She hugged her arms around her waist. Stop it, right now. You are not going to do this to yourself. It’s just a panic attack. It won’t last forever. You are not dying. She monitored her self-talk. She couldn’t, wouldn’t allow herself to spiral any further downward. She opened the window and took in a deep breath of fresh air.
For as long as she could remember, anxiety and panic attacks had plagued her. She could go months and years without so much as a twinge of anxiety and then out of nowhere it would slam into her, catching her off-guard every time. She wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep for weeks. Ron was all about tough-love during these dark periods in her life. He refused to give her the support she yearned for. The more she clung to him, the further he pushed her away. Her neediness revolted him. Liv longed for him to put his arms around her and give her comfort. She didn’t want him to fix her. She just wanted to know he was there; to offer her encouragement and let her know she wasn’t alone. But instead of offering his hand to help pull her up from the cliff she was hanging from, Liv felt as if he stepped on her fingers to sadistically watch her fall and struggle to make her way back to the top. Ron refused to coddle her the way he accused Liv’s parents of doing. In his mind, acknowledging her anxiety and panic would only validate it as real and enable Liv to give in to it and wallow in self-pity. He claimed Liv liked to bask in the attention her panic attacks brought her.
“Do you actually think I like feeling this way? That I want this kind of attention?” she’d ask him, incredulous that he could not find any empathy for her. Ron claimed the answer to all her problems was simple--quit worrying about every little thing and “just get over it.” If it were only that easy to just flip a switch and turn it off, she thought. If only she didn’t feel like she was going to vomit. If only she didn’t feel like the walls were closing in on her. Eventually, though, the panic and anxiety would subside and life would go back the way it had. Maybe Ron was right to cut her off emotionally when she needed him most, but she resented his lack of compassion and the way his attitude made her feel less than adequate. She hated feeling defective in his eyes.
It began to rain, so Liv closed the window. She knew Ron was right in one way. She was the only one responsible for getting herself to a better place. He’d taught her that. She could stand on her own. She had faith in God and more strength within her than even she knew. Looking down at her bagging pants, Liv realized she needed to do a little
better. She shook her arms vigorously, trying to release the negative energy trapped in her body. Stop. Just stop it! Interrupting the negative self-talk that tried to consume her, was the key to stopping the panic that flooded her body. Go to your power thought.
“Hello? Is everything okay in there?” a voice called out.
Liv jumped and spun around. She hadn’t realized she’d yelled out loud. Standing just inside the door, an incredibly attractive man stood watching her. His sandy brown hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail at the base of his neck. A few stray strands hung in his eyes. Liv felt compelled to brush them out of his face, but resisted the temptation. She felt her face flush. How ridiculous she must look to him. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Something about him struck her as familiar, but Liv couldn’t quite place him. She was positive she’d looked into his concerned blue eyes before. He smiled at her, waiting for her answer. She knew that smile, that dimple. What seemed like minutes passed as she stood, staring.
“Sorry,” the man apologized, stepping toward her. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay? You look a little pale.” Still unsure, he tried to assess the situation.
“That’s okay. I’m fine,” she said the words to reassure herself as much as him. “I was just talking aloud about this rain. I wish it would stop.” She started talking faster as she continued to ramble on. “Sometimes I talk to myself like that when I’m alone. I know it must sound weird, but there you have it. Nothing’s wrong here at all. I was hoping to go for a hike later, but now it’s raining. I wasn’t expecting anyone to stop by. My Grandma didn’t mention that anyone would be stopping by,” Liv continued to ramble, her words tumbling one after the other in rapid succession.
The man dusted his hand off on his jeans and offered it to Liv. “Cameron Preston. I saw your Grandma up at the camp store a bit ago. She asked me to drop off some firewood for the camp fire. I was going to leave it on the porch and go, but I heard...”
“Cam?” Liv asked not quite sure if it was really him. A lifetime had passed since she’d last seen him. She wondered why she hadn’t recognized him right off. Besides the pony tail, he really hadn’t changed all that much. The black t-shirt he was wearing stretched tightly across his well-muscled chest and broad shoulders. His jeans fit snuggly in all the places they should. The scar below his left eye was barely visible now. She sucked in her breath as she drank him in. His smell, his smile, the way he held himself; it was all Cam. Suddenly she became aware that her hand was still in his and she started to pull away. Her heart hammered in her chest and her hand burned from his touch. The way he made her feel hadn’t changed either.
“Yeah? Do we…” Suddenly, recognition crossed his face. “Livvy?” He grabbed her other hand and pulled her closer to him before he stepped back to look her up and down. Her dark brown hair hung slightly below her shoulders and framed her heart-shaped face. Her blue eyes looked troubled and her skin was too pale. From the circles under her eyes, he could tell she hadn’t been sleeping well either. She looked frail beneath the baggy Capri's and t-shirt she wore; her clothes were obviously too big for her. Her smile hadn’t changed though; it still lit up her whole face. “Jeez, I almost didn’t recognize you. I thought you were one of your sisters at first. Your Grandma didn’t tell me you’d be here.”
“She didn’t tell me you’d be stopping by with firewood either. Gosh, how long has it been?”
“Too long.”
“What have you...” they both started to ask when the screen door flew open, forcing Cam to jump to the side or be bowled over.
“Mommy, Mommy, guess what Grandma got me?!” shrieked the young girl that barreled through the door, followed by a small, shaggy puppy, who promptly shook water all over the floor, Cam and Liv.
“I certainly hope it isn’t that ball of fur that is tracking water all over the place,” Liv answered her daughter with mock sternness. She already knew what Grandma’s big surprise was. Smiling, Liv pulled Sara into a warm embrace and wiped the rain from her face. “First, though, you need to apologize to Mr. Preston for nearly knocking him down.”
Sara glanced around to see Cam standing in the shadows. In her excitement, she hadn’t noticed him when she came in. “Oh. I’m sorry, Mr. Preston,” Sara whispered, suddenly becoming shy.
“Call me Cam. Mr. Preston is my Dad. And don’t worry about it. I can see how excited you are about your new friend there,” Cam said putting Sara at ease as he bent over to pet the fluffy, white pup circling his feet. “What’s his name?”
“Well, first of all, ‘he’s’ a ‘she’ and I‘m not sure what to call her yet. I’m still thinking on it.”
“Well, you’ve got plenty of time to think of a name. Maybe she’ll do something special to give you an idea for her name – kind of like naming herself.”
“Oh, that’s a great idea. I’m gonna let her name herself. Until she does, I’ll just call her ‘Pup-Pup.’”
“Cameron, thank you so much for bringing by the wood,” Hannah said, stepping through the doorway, her arms full of dog paraphernalia. “I really appreciate it. Sara has been clamoring for a camp fire all day. You’ll stay won’t you? I’m making hamburgers and hot dogs.”
“Grandma!” Liv exclaimed as she took the dog stuff from the older woman’s arms. “I’m sure Cam has plans.”
“Not at all,” Cam smiled. “I’d love to stay for dinner, Mrs. Adams.”
“Great. It’s settled then.” Hannah untied her yellow plastic rain bonnet and folded it neatly back into her pocketbook. She set it along with her keys on the table beneath an oval mirror hanging in the foyer. Glancing up she patted her gray curls back into place. She had just gotten her weekly set the day before.
“Liv, dear, there are a couple more bags of groceries in the car. Would you mind getting them for me please, while I get things started in the kitchen?”
“Sure Gram, no problem!”
“Thanks Honey.” Hannah headed down the hall.
Livvy sighed and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. She really didn’t feel like entertaining. In fact, she really didn’t feel like doing much of anything. Simple everyday tasks now seemed like chores. For Sara’s sake, she knew she had to get over herself. She forced a smile at Cam and started toward the door just as the puppy skittered under her feet, nearly causing her to fall. Luckily Cam was quicker than the puppy and caught her before she landed on her butt.
“Are you okay?” Cam asked her for the second time that day.
“I think so. Ever since I twisted that ankle in high school gym class, it gives me problems. It’s okay now though.” She removed herself from his strong arms, burning with humiliation.
“Here, let me help with the groceries.” He held the door open as Sara scooped Pup-Pup into her arms.
“Pup-Pup’s sorry, Mom. She didn’t mean to trip you.”
Liv headed out the door and turned back to her. “I know Sweetie. I’m not mad at Pup-Pup. Hey, it looks like the rain has stopped. Why don’t you take her outside to run off some of that energy?”
“Okay Mom! I just need to put my shoes back on!”
The sun was shining again. Liv took a deep breath in and let the fresh air fill her lungs. She smiled at Cam. Just act normal.
“I still can’t believe it’s really you Livvy,” Cam commented as they followed the flower-lined sidewalk to her grandmother’s shiny, beige Honda Accord.
“I know. I can’t believe it either. It’s really good to see you Cam. How long are you going to be at Lake of the Pines?” Liv pressed the trunk release and put the keys in her pocket.
“I’m here for the summer. I had some vacation I needed to burn and figured this was the best place to do it. And you?” Cam scooped up two of the bags of groceries in his arms and handed the third to Liv.
“I’ll only be here for a month or so. Sara and I need to get back home at the beginning of August to get ready for school.”
“Great! We’ve got plenty of time to catc
h up! I’d love to spend some time with you if you can get away.”
“Sure, that’d be great.” Liv’s stomach flip-flopped as they walked back to the cottage together. She wasn’t sure if it was her anxiety or Cam that was causing her butterflies.
They set the bags on the kitchen table. Liv started to put the groceries away when Hannah interrupted. “That’s enough now. You two go and relax. I’ll take care of these.”
“Are you sure Gram? I’d be happy to help.”
“Nonsense, I’m perfectly capable of handling this myself. I may be old, but I’m not an invalid. Go! Go spend some time with Cam. I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about.”
“Okay.” Liv stood still, reluctant to leave.
“Mom! Mom! Where are you?” Sara called from the other room.
“I’m right here. You don’t have to yell!”
“I’m sorry, Mom! Pup-Pup and I are ready to play outside. I want you to come with us.”
“I don’t know Sara, I need to…”
Cam could tell Liv wasn’t up to a run with a puppy. He worried she was ill, but didn’t want to ask Liv in front of Sara. “Come on, Sara, I have a tennis ball in my truck. We can teach Pup-Pup how to play fetch.”
“Really? You mean it?” That would be great! That’s okay, isn’t it, Mom?” She looked to Liv for permission.
“Sure, just don’t go down by the lake.” Liv felt grateful not to have to run after the little girl and her new pet.
“I won’t Mom!”
Liv wandered around the side of the cabin toward the screened-in porch. A picnic table with a plastic, red-checkered table cloth sat in the middle. She pulled out the stacking chairs from under the overhang and dragged them over to the fire pit. Partially protected from the rain, they were still a little wet. Liv wiped down four chairs with the semi-dry beach towel she found hanging over the railing. She sat down in one, drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them.