After a fifteen-minute performance that was worth every dollar paid in advance – as well as every bill shoved down Miko’s leopard thong – the group of friends found themselves ready to turn in for the night… except for Kelly, who decided kissing strangers at the bar wasn’t the most embarrassing thing she could accomplish that evening. She moved her unconscious sister to the floor and waited for the ravishing promised by the smooth talking entertainer.
Meanwhile, Miko paced in the bathroom after downing a bottle of Pepto-Bismol he had pilfered from the medicine cabinet. His stomach began aching during the show and his smiling face hid the sheer terror he felt inside, as he worried about dropping a deuce in front of the cheering women.
“Get your sexy ass in here you little Mediterranean mango,” Kelly said from the guest bedroom and slapped her pillow for emphasis. The skinny brunette was ready for action, but at the same time starting to fall asleep.
Miko splashed cold water on his sweating face as the churning in his stomach stopped. “You can do this,” he said and began popping generic boner pills like breath mints. The steroid-addicted supercharged sex addict had forced himself on a passed out Asian woman on the train just minutes earlier, so the little pills were necessary to rise to the occasion on such short notice. Still, the girl waiting for him in the bedroom was hot, and Miko was quite sure her twin sister would want to get in on the action too. He planned to cop a feel at the minimum even if she wasn’t. Miko gave a predatory smile into the mirror and winked. It was show time once more.
* * *
The next morning Jen sipped black coffee in her living room and dialed Blake for the tenth time. It went straight to voicemail, leading Jen to believe she was intentionally being avoided. She was.
Cindy had the same luck getting through to Jim. “They’re either passed out or some girls are over there,” she said and walked around in the kitchen still cluttered with empty bottles of various types.
Jackie chased an aspirin with a gulp of orange juice and rubbed her eyes. “Relax, you don’t need to be stressing out in your condition. And besides, there’s a man over here too if you haven’t forgotten.”
“How could I forget? I could hear those two going at it all night. Talk about a skank. And her sister was in the room, which is a total faux pas.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty embarrassing, even for her. But we should get Mr. Banana Hammock out of here in case the guys show up unexpectedly,” Jen said. “I’d rather not have to explain what he was doing here.” She walked upstairs and knocked softly on the bedroom door.
Magic Miko’s little pills had eventually kicked in, and he had given Kelly quite a night to remember. Unfortunately, she didn’t remember any of it. Even worse, the sweaty, snoring man lying next to her had been passing gas that smelled more than a little like gyros.
The tapping at the door and the noxious smell was enough to drive her to action, and she slid out from underneath his hairy arm and got dressed. A moment later, she woke her sister and retreated downstairs in what amounted to a very short walk of shame.
Standing in the doorway, Jen tried unsuccessfully to rouse the dancer from the bed. In response, Miko groaned in pain and then whimpered softly before growing quiet.
“I’ll get him out,” Cindy said and sauntered over with a smug look on her face. She was eager to harp on her husband later and didn’t want this guy to weaken her hand. “Time to go, buddy,” she said with the conviction of a woman used to being obeyed. There was no response from the smoothly shaved dancer. “Hey, Miko, wake up and hit the bricks!” Cindy turned to her friends while fanning the air. “It smells like crap and tzatziki sauce in there. Really, Miko, you gotta get out before—”
The man suddenly jumped up and shot through the doorway and slammed into Cindy, causing both of them to tumble down the stairs before crashing into the wall with a thud. The impact was hard enough to knock a row of pictures to the ground, and it happened so fast everyone did a double take before reacting. But when Miko began feasting on Cindy’s neck, react they did. Mostly by screaming.
The twins and Padma ran outside while Jen sprinted around Miko as he munched on Cindy like a juicy watermelon. Miko caught the movement from the corner of his eye and turned to snag Jen’s leg, taking her down with a tug from his chiseled stripper arms. Those buff arms had always put food on the table, and they would continue to do so in zombie form.
But one of the women wasn’t screaming or running in terror, and before Miko tore into Jen’s leg, Jackie smashed a full bottle of red wine square into his face. The blunt impact rocked him backwards as the spray of blood and wine drenched Jen’s beloved white carpeting.
Next, Jackie grabbed an unresponsive Cindy by the arm and dragged her towards the open front door. No longer stunned, Miko rose up and gave chase, but he moved with a strange gait, as if running was a newly acquired skill. Jen swung the door shut behind her just as Miko slammed into it from the opposite side.
To their surprise he didn’t open the door, and instead battered it with his fists. None of Jen’s neighbors answered her frantic calls for help, and the other girls were nowhere to be seen. So Jackie and Jen dragged Cindy outside – and smack-dab into the apocalypse.
The apartment building across the road had just gone up in flames and cars whipped by at dangerous speeds. Padma and the twins tried to flag down help, but nobody would stop. Soon a large group of 5k runners came down the street at a very fast pace — only it was two groups, and one was chasing the other.
Padma used a tampon from her purse to plug Cindy’s gaping neck wound, and the girls huddled around each other for comfort as the world they knew evaporated before their eyes. For the moment, standing still seemed to work as the cannibals passed them up for the moving prey.
At long last, a squad car pulled up and a cop jumped out with his gun drawn. The tall man approached the women cautiously while swiveling his head in all directions. Before he could even say anything, another man from the running group veered from the pack and charged right for him. The sharp crack of a pistol rang out and the runner dropped to his knees, then fell face first onto the pavement. There was a giant exit hole on the back of his head and blood quickly formed a dark puddle on the ground.
The cop kicked the dead body once for good measure and then pointed to his cruiser. “Get in the damned car, ladies. As you can see we have a bit of a situation developing.”
There was no hesitation from the twins and they jumped right into the back seat, but the others stopped to pick Cindy up. “I got her,” the cop said and pushed them aside, then wrapped his arms around the woman’s pregnant waist from behind. He was handsome, confident, commanding, and just the kind of guy you’d want around in a pinch. He turned to Jackie with a roguish smile and winked. “Everything’s gonna be all right.”
Cindy opened her eyes and turned to him, and it looked like she was going to say thanks. Instead, Jim’s wife latched onto the cop’s wrist with a vicious bite, severing tendons and bones with ease. He screamed in pain and his damaged nerves caused the gun to fire off uselessly into the distance. A moment later he turned on the women with the same bloodthirsty look on his face that first Miko and now Cindy wore. Everything was not all right. Far from it. In fact, everything sucked.
But before he could pounce on them, another woman ran up to the group in a panic. “Help me officer, help me!”
The cop did the exact opposite of help, and instead knocked her down and bit into the barista’s exposed stomach. Cindy joined in and pulled the poor woman’s gleaming intestines out before jamming the grayish organ into her mouth. Inside Cindy’s womb, her zombified baby kicked with anticipation for the meal headed its way.
The random woman’s demise, as grisly as it was, saved Jen and company from the same fate, and they had just enough time to pile into the front seat of the car. As Jackie hit the gas, the zombie cop, Cindy, and the mutilated woman all pounded on the windows, eager for the fresh meat inside.
Jackie drove away and
the women finally had a chance to catch their breath for a moment. But they all had the same thought on their minds.
“Where do we go?” Kelly asked from the back seat.
“There’s a police station a couple blocks away,” Jackie said and swerved around several creatures feasting on a midget in the middle of the road. “That’s our best bet.”
Moments later they arrived at the station, and were immediately let down. The front door was shattered and a large group of cannibals was streaming inside. They were met with gunfire and several fell, but more just kept coming, and soon the firing stopped. Jackie took her foot off the brake and moved on as her friends either sobbed or sat stone-faced and silent.
“We can try and meet up with Blake and his friends. They’re not too far away,” Jen said as she tried to call her fiancé unsuccessfully one more time.
Jackie shook her head. “They might be dead by now. My father’s yacht is at Belmont Harbor and it’s a straight shot from here. We’ll be safer out on the open water.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Padma said. “We could—”
The surgeon’s words were interrupted by Kelly puking violently onto the bulletproof window separating the front seat from the back of the car.
“She’s not looking so good,” Monica said, stating the painfully obvious as the brownish liquid cascaded onto the floor. The convulsions came next.
“That’s not a hangover,” Padma said ominously. “Was she bitten or something?”
“How am I supposed to know?” Monica said and grasped at the door handle, but she was unable to unlock it from the inside. “Guys, open it! Like, now!” Her sister started licking her lips and drooling like an idiot.
“I’m working on it,” Jackie said and began frantically pushing buttons on the dashboard. Unfortunately, one of them turned the sirens on and a large group of beasts instantly made a beeline for the car. Soon they were surrounded and had to stop as the mob beat on the doors and windows, threatening to burst in at a moment’s notice. The doors finally unlocked, but now Monica had nowhere to go. She could only look at her twin sister and pray for a miracle.
Kelly stopped shaking and stared off into space as if watching her life flash before her eyes. In reality, most of her brain was shutting down and all of her memories and the moments she once cherished were disappearing forever.
The car shot forward, then Jackie slammed on the brakes and hit reverse, knocking some creatures down and gaining momentum in the process. She repeated the maneuver and gained even more speed while smashing a handful of hungry attackers. Bones crunched, limbs snapped and blood flowed. If they could free themselves of the crowd though, Monica could jump out to safety and join them in the front seat.
Padma held a hand to the glass divider and touched Monica’s, praying with her longtime friend. They made eye contact just as Kelly snapped out of her trance and turned to her sister for sustenance.
Monica grabbed Kelly by her throat and held the snapping jaws at bay. It wasn’t the first time she’d choked her sister, and oddly, the situation made her recall other fights the two had gotten into throughout the years including spats over toys, bunk beds, and of course, boys. But their whole lives had been completely entwined from the beginning; they had shared an egg after all. And so, even with their occasional quarrels, Monica could not imagine life any other way.
“No, don’t!” Padma shouted, but it was too late. Monica embraced her sister in one final hug and screamed in pain as Kelly went to work.
Thankfully the sounds of the siren shielded the other women from the noises of the feast, and after a few seconds, it was all over. Jackie slammed on the gas once more and broke free of the pack, powering down the road with dozens, if not hundreds of zombies, trailing behind.
“We’re gonna have to time this just right,” she said while barely avoiding runners and crashed vehicles. “The boat’s at the end of the pier, so there’s a bit of a run. I’ll work on getting it started, Padma’s gonna untie the ropes, and Jen, grab one of the oars from the dingy and keep any bastards from jumping on. Are we all clear?” They were. “No mistakes.”
The twins began pounding on the divider in unison, reunited in purpose once more and sharing the same hunger for flesh. Jen snuck a peek at her infected friends and began to crack under the pressure. “What is happening? This is madness.”
“Turn around and get your game face on,” Jackie said with a determined look of her own. “Let’s worry about the why later.” Jen nodded and took a deep breath.
Her pep talk over, Jackie slowed down and approached a busy intersection as cars whizzed past them from all sides. A woman in the middle of the road used the brief reduction in speed to her advantage and jumped onto the back of the car. She began pounding heavily on the roof, and the added mayhem of the situation was about to push even Jackie over the edge.
But soon the marina was in sight, and Jackie spotted her family’s boat. She drove as close to the docks as possible and then slammed on the brakes, sending the woman on the roof flying into the drink at high speed. At the same time, Kelly and Monica’s heads smashed into the hard divider and they left the world as they came into it. Bloody, but together.
Jen, Padma and Jackie exited the car and got busy doing their assigned tasks. Jackie found the hidden spare key and fired up the engine while Padma struggled to untie the first of the knots holding the boat to the dock.
Meanwhile, Jen prowled back and forth on the deck of the yacht, looking for anyone who needed bashing. She quickly found her first target when the woman from the roof of the car swam to shore and then tried to jump into the boat. Jen swung and connected with the woman’s stomach, knocking her to the floor.
“Ouch, what was that for?” the woman screamed as she rolled over and sat up. “Are you crazy?”
“I thought you were one of the maniacs!” Jen said, still gripping the oar and preparing to strike again.
She shook her head. “No! I was just trying to get away from those… things. The grocery store I work at was on fire and everyone was going mad. I saw the police car and jumped on. You didn’t hear me screaming for the past five minutes?”
Jen lowered her bludgeon slightly. “The siren was on, so no, we—”
She stopped as a giant of a man came running down the dock and barreled onto the boat with murder on his mind. What was left of it, anyway. The former head of security for Belmont Harbor was still chewing a mouthful of belly flesh from his previous victim, but he clamored for more. And Jen was already in his grasp. She brought the oar up and caught the man underneath his chin while Padma stopped what she was doing to help.
But the zombie weathered the blow from Jen’s stick and ignored Padma’s well-placed kick to the groin. He swallowed the chunk of meat already in his mouth and leaned forward to replace it with a fresh one. At the last moment the grocery girl jumped on his back, and all three tipped over with a crash.
Padma furiously kicked at the security guard’s head as the other women tried to scramble away. He merely rolled onto his back and grabbed Padma’s foot, opening his mouth wide once again.
There was a loud pop and a bright light as the guard’s head suddenly radiated sparks, accompanied by smoke, and a sickly burning smell not easily described. Jackie had fired a 12-gauge flare gun into the gaping maw of their attacker, and the burning round had burrowed all the way through to his brain.
Jackie undid the last knotted rope with several deft maneuvers then silently walked back to the helm of the boat. She had known Jake the security guard since childhood.
Padma helped Jen shove the dead body into the water and then nodded to the stranger. “I’m Padma, that’s Jen and Jackie.”
The new arrival sat down and began rubbing her stomach again. “Mary.”
Jackie pulled the boat away as more zombies jumped off the pier, only to sink below the choppy waters of Lake Michigan. No one spoke as they left the doomed city behind for good, but they were all thinking about their next step. It wa
s the end of the world as they knew it, and nobody felt fine.
Chapter 6: Breaking Bread
The nun with the disfigured face went to retrieve bandages for Left-Nut’s wound, and the aforementioned jerk got a better look at her. “Yikes! Talk about a butterface. She’s got a body built for porn but a face made for radio.”
Charlie gritted his teeth and narrowly avoided lashing out. “Left-Nut – I mean, Matt – shut it. We’re guests here.”
“Not saying I wouldn’t hit it,” Left-Nut continued. “Because you know I’d hit it like a baby seal. The nuns back when I was a—”
“Rob, knock him out again,” Charlie said.
“Fine, fine. Look, I’m in a lot of pain right now. I need something to take the edge off, so is anyone holding? Smokey, I’m looking strongly in your direction.”
The mother superior was shocked and appalled, but kept her mouth shut given the circumstances. A zombie had just attacked her, after all. That kind of life experience tends to expand one’s mind no matter who you are.
Smokey hemmed and hawed but eventually gave in. “I wanted to save this for a special occasion but I guess this will do.” He pulled a prescription bottle from the front of his underwear.
“Why not use your pocket?” Sam asked.
“Old habits are hard to break. But still, here’s some hillbilly heroin. That’s OxyContin for you squares,” Smokey said proudly.
“I’d suck his dick if it had morphine in it,” Left-Nut said. “Now hand it over, chop chop.”
“My boy Julio used to get this for me by the case. Lincoln Park cougars loved the stuff. Chew the pills up and they’ll affect you faster, but they taste like crap, bro.” Smokey looked at the nun. “I mean… poop.” The guys were really struggling to regulate their vocabulary after months of living like animals. Not that they had been much better before the zombie apocalypse.
Dead Drunk II: Dawn of the Deadbeats (Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Book 2) Page 4