The night before I left, when we stood in the moonlight in the garden behind your house, my proposal felt hasty. I know. But it wasn’t. I’ve thought of it since I met you, but when I’m with you, the words come out all wrong. My tongue fumbles that which my heart is certain of.
Elise, you are my love, my world, my true. You are the compass that keeps me due north. You are the moon that tells me when to wake and the sun that tells me when to sleep. You are everything, and so much more than that.
What I wanted to say to you, when your soft hand was cold in mine, and I saw you looking up at me with worry in your eye. You think I’ll go to London and won’t return - as if I could exist without you, as if I even have a choice not to come back.
I want to pour my heart out to this paper, but I fear the paper cannot contain it all. My love is spilling down the edges, seeping to the ground, and out the carriage door. The wind will carry it back to you, carry my heart to you, to where it belongs with you.
Do you not see that, Elise? You possess me, the way the Devil possessed Judas. Not that you are evil - but that you have taken over my soul, that you occupy my body, that my very being belongs to you.
I am going to London for you, for us. I know you love the farm, that you love managing the land your father once churned. But the earth can dry up, it can turn on you, and you know this better than anyone.
I want a life for us that is built on something far more stable. Ezra believes something is happening in America, something we should return to. He’s speaking of the gold rush in California, and sees that as an opportunity for us to grow. To have something, instead of scraping by. He wants to be a captain of industry, and on this, I agree with him.
I can’t ask for your hand if I have no means for us to live. I’m not recanting my proposal, but I am working up to it. I must earn the right to be your husband, and I assure you that I will. When we return, I will have everything I need.
Until then, I will have the memory of you to spur me on.
Do you remember our first kiss? You’d been dodging it for weeks, just as determined to keep your virtue as I was to steal it. I was meant to be helping you garden, but I spent more time distracting you than working.
I took your hand, and you fell down laughing onto the grass. I lay above me, looking in your eyes, certain I’d never seen anything I’d ever want more. I bent down to kiss you, overjoyed when you let my lips touch yours.
Something surged between us, something deeper than passion or desire. My blood warmed, flowing like liquid fire through my veins. I could feel your heart in my lips, hear it pounding in my ears. It was if love had a physical manifestation.
This month will be agony without your kisses, I know it, but it is a necessity. It must be done, for the good of us both, and hopefully, you will understand how much I love you, how much I need you.
Until I return to you, remember you are my love, my life, my very self.
Eternally yours,
Peter
May 12, 1853
My only love, my Elise -
Your trust in Catherine is rightfully placed. I’ve tried on three separate occasions to sneak into your chambers, and she has thwarted me every time. I’d like to say I hated her for this, but I know she is only following your wishes.
But why must you wish it so? I know that tomorrow, as soon as the sun sets, we will be wed on the moors behind your farm, but nothing has ever felt longer than this night. The morning sun hasn’t begun to rise, and already I feel as though I’ve been waiting for days.
Perhaps that’s because it’s taken almost a year for this day to come. I know part of that is my fault. The month in London turned into three. That time apart anguished me as much as it did you, but that’s all behind us now.
Ezra and I have a great share in the business, and I can now afford to treat you the way you deserve to be treated and give you the wedding of your dreams. I’d like to say give you the house of your dreams, but I know how loyal you are to this farm.
I don’t understand it, but that might be because of how quickly I left mine. I left my home one morning in the spring to fetch a doctor for my sister, and I haven’t been back in almost twenty years.
I don’t have a home, not in the sense of house or land. You are my home. Wherever you are, that is what home will be.
My hands are trembling as I write. I feel strange and giddy, reminding of a time when I was a small boy. My father’s mare Helena was giving birth, and I stayed out in the stables all night with my father and older brother Daniel. They told me to go back in, but I refused.
I remember so clearly the moment when the foal’s legs emerged from the mare. The smell of the straw, the way the lantern lit up the barn, the sound of our stallion Lysander neighing.
It was in that moment, I realized something amazing was going to happen. A creature would be alive that wasn’t before, and nothing could be more magical than the creation of life. I trembled with excitement and expectation.
That is how I feel right now. In an existence so full of death - dependent on it really - this is the only thing I’ve ever done that has felt like creation. We will begin a life together. We will cease to be two people and become one.
I will not be able to sleep until I see you again, until I can take you in my arms and press you to me. Until I know that you are mine, now and forever, before God and the earth, you belong to me as I belong to you.
Your everlasting groom
Peter
July 8, 1853
My dear brother, Ezra,
I meant to write you sooner. I truly did, but you know how honeymoons go. I’m so very grateful that I waited to wed Elise until I had enough money to travel this way. Although I’m certain that the two of us would have been as happy any place, as long as it had a bed.
Oh, brother, forgive me for being crass, but I’ve had no one to speak of this with. Our wedding night - there aren’t words. This wasn’t the first I lain with a woman, although this was my first time with another vampyre, but it was nothing like I remembered it being.
In the mornings, after a woman had shared your bed, and I would see your face, I would think that I must be doing something wrong because I never looked like that. And maybe I was, but I finally understand the sublime, exhausted expression you always wear.
After the wedding, we barely made it to her room before our clothes were off - and I’m certain that you heard us, you and Catherine were so near, and for that I apologize. But that was a moment I couldn’t contain myself.
I’d never felt so out of control, unable to stop myself, and I was so grateful for it. When Elise and I are together, it feels as if we are one. I can feel her emotions inside of me, as if they are my own. I’ve spent my whole life fragmented, living as half a being, but I never realized until I was with her and she made me whole.
These past two months have been a blur, a haze of happiness and pleasure. I’m not sure how long it took for us to get to Paris, and I don’t really remember much of the journey. We stopped every chance we could, renting rooms far more often than we needed to, but it was hard enough for me to keep my hands off her.
I am her humble servant, and I worship at her feet nightly.
When I first turned, I felt as if I belonged to you. Did I ever tell you that? There was this sense that you had created me, that you owned me, and I felt like a slave to you. Not that you ever treated me as such, but it was something in my essence that told me that. Something inside me saying, “You belong to him. You do his bidding. That is why you exist.”
And I did, without complaint. I was happy to do it, and I still would be. If you asked anything of me, I would gladly do it. Your unending friendship is the thing most valuable to me this life, other than my wife, of course.
I feel that way with Elise, only stronger. I’m so grateful she allows me to be with her, that she lets me touch her and share her bed. I know that I don’t deserve her, no matter what our blood says. She is far too good to me, so pure and
virtuous. So I spend every waking moment trying to make it up to her that I’m not nearly as perfect as she.
My Elise, my beloved…
We went to the opera house the last night we were in Paris. Most of our trip had been spent inside our hotel room, but we’d done some sightseeing.
Elise had never been to the opera before. She’d never even been out of Ireland, and she’d grown up very poor.
Until I met her, she could barely read. I don’t understand that part exactly. As you know, I grew up with hardly any money, but we could all read. My father was a great admirer of Shakespeare, and he read to us as often as he could. My siblings and I spent hours acting out his plays.
Father always adored A Midsummer Night’s Dream , and we performed a loose version of that once a year. My younger sister Caroline was always Puck, but being a trouble maker suited her fine.
When I told Elise of these stories, she could hardly believe me. I went to a small bookshop in Paris (I’m indebted to you for forcing me to learn French all those years ago), and I bought up all the Shakespeare they had.
Elise and I lay in bed. The room would still glow, the way it always seemed to afterwards. The sheets were satin, so soft and light they feel like nothing on my bare skin.
It was in those moments, when we were too drunk on love and too tired to move, I’d pull out a book. Elise lay next to me, her arm resting on my stomach, as I begin to read to her, telling her the tales that Sir William wrote long ago.
She stared at me with eyes so wide and bright, I always had to hide my laugh. She gazed at me with such wonder and adoration, it’s as if she thought I wrote the stories myself.
It’s because of this I insisted we go to the opera house. I’ve seen how much simply hearing the stories captivates her. Seeing something performed on stage would amaze her.
Elise can only speak a few words of French, despite my efforts to teach her. She loves hearing it spoken, but she claims her accent butchers it too much, so she refuses to learn. I think her Irish burr warms the language, but she won’t be convinced.
Even with that, I took her to the opera at Salle Le Peletier. It was a performance of Le prophète, and we had balcony seats. In the beginning, I tried to translate for her, but eventually she held up her hand to silence me.
“You don’t need to tell me,” Elise whispered, as not to disturb the other patrons. “I can see it on their faces.”
By the time the opening number had ended, Elise had begun to weep. I put my hand her arm, concerned that something was the matter, and she shook her head, dabbing at the tears on her cheeks.
“It’s so beautiful,” she said. “I’ve never seen anything so moving.”
After it had finished, Elise was still in high spirits. She sang the songs from the opera, and her pronunciation was a bit off but her tone was perfect.
Her voice was like an angel. I took her hand, pulling her to me, and we danced along the streets of Paris. A large, slow waltz as she sang.
We met a couple, slightly drunk on wine and even more drunk on love, and they invited us up to their flat. Elise and I were having too much fun to decline, and we followed them up to a small artist’s loft. Paint and wine stained what little furniture they had, and the floor was littered with canvases.
The man, Luc, asked to paint Elise, and when I translated for her, she gladly accepted. She sprawled on a purple blanket, her ringlets coming loose from her hair. I understood why Luc had to paint. If ever there had been a muse, Elise must surely be one.
While Luc carefully tried to make his brush strokes match the perfection of my wife, I talked to Marie. She spoke some English, and she used as much as she could to keep Elise in the conversation.
Marie and Luc had just come back from a holiday in Prague. It wasn’t meant to be a holiday - Luc was supposed to be working. Marie explained that last month they’d barely eaten, and Luc had hardly painted from lack of inspiration.
So they’d travelled to Prague, where Luc had been hired to paint portraits for a wealthy family that lived there. Only as soon as they’d gotten there, Luc had enraged the mistress of the house, and they’d been sent packing without any pay.
That hadn’t stopped them from having a marvelous time, though. Marie told us of the architecture, the streets, the river, the people. She said we must go to Prague if we had the chance, and I realized that we certainly did.
We left before Luc could finish the painting, but I paid him for the half-finished canvas anyway. It only seemed fitting, since Elise and I had drank of them before we left. They tasted of purity and grapes, and Elise seemed a bit tipsy when she was done.
The next day, Elise and I packed our things and hopped on the train out of Paris. I know that’s not at all what I told you when I left. I said two weeks in Paris, then we’d come home.
But this is the only time Elise and I will be newlyweds. I implore you to forgive me, dear brother. I want so much to enjoy this time with my wife. I have this strange sense of urgency when I’m with her. Our time together feels so very precious, as if there is only a finite amount left.
I know that’s not true. That we have all eternity to see the world together. But right now, I feel this is something that I must do. I must give Elise the world while I have the chance.
As I write this, we are still on the train, on our way to Prague. The sun has only just begun to rise, the pink light spilling through the windows. Soon, I’ll have to pull down the shades, shrouding us in darkness, but for now, the light seems perfect.
Elise has her head on my shoulder, and she’s been sleeping for a while. She stirred a bit ago, watching me as I wrote this letter to you.
“Is that to Ezra?” Elise asked, stifling a yawn.
“Yes, it is,” I told her.
“Please tell him not to hate me,” she said.
“Why would he hate you?” I asked.
“For stealing you away from him. I would hate somebody that took you away from me.”
“Nothing can take me away from you, my love. You know that.” I brushed back a hair from her forehead and kissed her gently. “I am yours forever.”
“I know.” She smiled, lopsided because she was sleepy. “But I still stole you from him.”
“I went willingly,” I assured her. “And Ezra isn’t the type to hold grudges.”
“Perhaps.” She snuggled closer to me, resting her head in the nook between my shoulder and neck.
“Does Catherine hate me for taking you away from her?” I asked.
“A little,” Elise admitted, and then giggled. Somehow, the sound was even more charming when she was sleepy. It had an innocent quality to it that made my heart swell.
With that, she drifted off to sleep. So I beg of you, Ezra, if you cannot forgive me for leaving you now, please at least do not hold it against my young bride. She cares for you, not as much as I do, but as much as she can.
We only wish to make each other happy, but we don’t want to do it at your expense. Let us have a few more weeks to be free and unfettered, and in love and foolish the way only the young can be.
Then I’ll return home. I will work with you to open the business. Elise will work in the gardens and fields of her farm. We’ll build a house together, but the life we build will include you. You are as much a part of my life as my beloved Elise.
I want you to know that. Just because I am married now it doesn’t change a thing between us. I still love you as much as I ever have, brother. And when I return, I will set about proving it to you. I don’t want there to ever be a doubt about my loyalty to you.
I hope things are well with you, and you are checking in on Catherine to make sure she’s alright. Elise has been afraid that the farm will fall apart in her absence, but I assured her that you will keep Catherine in line.
Take care, dear brother, and I will see you soon.
Yours,
Peter
December 24, 1860
To Elise, with all my love -
On this Chri
stmas, I wanted to give you something to show you how much you mean to me, how grateful I am that you’ve let me spend these past eight years with you.
I would buy you a new house, if you’d let me, but I know how much you love this old farm. I’d take you on another trip, if I hadn’t already taken you everywhere you asked to go.
I’ve given you everything I have to give, and so much more. I’d give you the moon and the stars, if you asked for it, but I know that’s not what you need.
Love, my love, is the thing you crave the most. I’ve heard you talk of your family, the stories growing with increasing frequency. Our small home has become too large for you. I hear your footsteps echoing as you walk about during the day, and I reach over to your spot in bed, finding the sheets cold.
When did you stop sleeping? When did this ache begin to fill you?
I offer myself to you, completely, eternally, humbly yours, but I feel it in your touch. In your smile that never seems quite true. A sadness. You miss something. Is it something you lost? Or is it something you never had?
My love, my true, my only. What is that you lack that I cannot give?
I think I know the truth, but I’ve been afraid to speak it. I fear if I form the words, it will become a real. A solid entity that will take over our lives. That will ruin everything I have worked for to create with you.
It’s the stories of your younger sister Charlotte that haunt me the most. You talk of her running down the hall, her feet pattering on the floor, her laughter filling the house, her hair flowing with pink ribbons.
Is that the sound you miss? Is that the color you crave? The one thing that we can never be? A family?
I lived for fifteen years as a vampire before I met you. It doesn’t seem that long compared to forever, but when I think of the days, the long nights I spent lost without you, it feels so endless.
The truth is - the truth you mustn’t ever tell Ezra - is that I think I missed you before I knew you. The absence where you should be had been in my heart the second I was born. Even as a human, I’d denied all potential suitors.
Letters To Elise: A Peter Townsend Novella (my blood approves) Page 3