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Well, I work tonight and tomorrow and King Dread is playing on Saturday, some other band is playing tonight. I never heard of them, but I hope they’re good. I saved a bit from working at PowerTrip’s and I could afford to go somewhere during spring break but decide against it. I figure I will talk to Eddie about working during the week, but unfortunately, it won’t be tonight. Eddie had some personal issue to take care of, so he’s not here tonight. I hope tomorrow I can tell him. I see Colin running around tonight; he takes his job seriously especially when Eddie’s not around. I have never seen that man more than I have tonight; he’s going a little overboard with it.
The band starts around 10 p.m. and I must say this band is horrible. Ugh, I am not a fan and they cannot sing. I am pretty sure I already heard some boo’s coming from the customers. I look over at Marcus because Natalie has the night off and he is laughing while asking where the earplugs are. I do not know how I will be able to stand here and listen to this racket for three to almost four hours. The band has only been on stage for about an hour and I already see a bunch of customers leave the bar and this is not good for business. Colin looks freaked out, so clearly this never happens. Marcus tells him to let them go now and just hook the jukebox up for free tonight. That way we won’t lose all of our customers.
Colin agrees, pulls the band offstage and sends them packing and then lets the crowd that’s still here know the jukebox is free tonight to go ahead and select some music. I’m not sure which makes the crowd happier, knowing the band is done or that the jukebox is free, but if I had to guess, I would probably say the former of the two.
It’s only 11 p.m. and the bar is pretty steady now which surprises me, but apparently once the band left more people came. Hey, more money for me! I see Tucker here with his frat guys and two blonde bimbos are trying to sit on his lap. I can’t figure out which is more comical, the fact that they are both trying to sit on his lap at the same time or that they are both dumb enough to think he’s going to let them.
Finally, one of them does score a seat in his lap and for some reason. I feel a strange pang of jealousy rush over me. Wow, this doesn’t happen. I have no right to be angry or jealous because Tucker and I are just friends, but damn if I don’t want to walk over and rip Barbie off his damn lap. I decide now would be a good time as any for my break. I tell Marcus I’m heading outside for a break and will be back shortly, he waves me off and on my way out past Davie; I snag a cig and make my way out the side door. I haven’t had a cigarette in a while, but I need to calm myself down so this is what I do, I smoke. I take my first hit and then hear, “You know that will kill you right?” I turn to look at a smoldering hot Tucker.
“Yes, I know and I don’t do it often, but every now and then I need one.” I tell him.
“And why would you need one tonight?” he asks all serious.
Shit! I can’t tell Tucker because I was being a jealous schoolgirl when I have no right to be. Ugh….what to say what to say. “I just did okay, the band gave me a splitting headache and I just needed something to calm me down,” I finally say.
“Sure Harp if that’s the excuse you want to use,” Tucker says with a smug look on his face.
“What are you talking about?” I say with a slight tone.
“So it had nothing to do with the two girls who were vying for my attention or the one that sat on my lap?” Tucker says calling me out.
Damn it, he caught me but ugh I cannot tell him I was jealous, God what would he think of me then. I’m not that type of girl.
“Tucker, I don’t get how girls are just so stupid, they know you would only want one thing and yet they fight for your attention. What makes you attracted to girls like that?” I ask in a serious manner.
“I never said I was attracted to those girls or girls like them. They served a purpose and that’s it,” he says honestly.
I have no idea what to say, so I say nothing and take another drag off my cigarette. Tucker continues, “Harp you shouldn’t smoke and you have no reason to want to smoke.” Tucker walks over to me, takes the cigarette out of my fingers and puts it out in the ashtray.
“I know,” I say in a grunt and stand up. I guess I should be heading back into work in a few anyway.
“I’ll walk you home tonight.” Tucker states rather than asks.
“Sure, you didn’t drive tonight?” I ask surprised.
“No, it’s supposed to be nice this evening plus I knew I was going to drink,” he says.
“Okay, I’ll meet you after I’m off work. I should be getting back now though,” I say.
Tucker holds the door open for me and I head back into the bar. He resumes his seat at the table with his friends. I don’t see Tucker for the remainder of the night because I am kept pretty busy with the group from a bachelorette party who sits right by my end of the bar. They keep coming up and ordering crazy concoctions, but hey they are tipping pretty nice so no complaints from me.
The rest of the evening goes by and after restocking the coolers we head out for the night. As promised, Tucker is standing by the side of the building, but unfortunately, this time he is not alone. Of course there is a chick talking to him, but this one’s beautiful looking. She has long, curly auburn hair and a body to die for. I have no idea how she can walk in those shoes, but damn if she doesn’t look good in them. I would probably break my neck just trying to stand in one of them. Well now I am at a standstill, clearly Tucker seems happy to talk to her because they are laughing and having a good conversation it seems and I don’t want to interrupt something. So I decide to walk around the building to bypass Tucker and his newfound friend and head home. No point in ruining his possible night.
I walk the short distance home and decide a shower is best even though my feet are yelling that they hate me right now, but the hot water does the trick. I pull on a pair of shorts and a tank top and throw my hair up in a sloppy ponytail to get ready for bed. As I am getting ready to sit on my bed there is a pounding on my door. What the hell! I open the door to see an angry looking Tucker. He storms into the apartment and just looks at me. “How the hell did you get home Harper?” he all but yells at me.
“I walked home,” I state.
“Why didn’t you meet me like we planned? I waited and waited, what the hell?” he says angrily.
“You were talking to someone and I didn’t want to interrupt so I just walked home. Its fine Tucker,” I say.
Before I register what the heck is happening Tucker has me enveloped in his arms and is hugging me. A serious hug, mmm he smells good too! “Harper you had me fucking worried, next time interrupt. I told you I would walk you home, my plans weren’t changing. Don’t pull that shit again,” he says.
“I’m sorry; I just didn’t think it was a big deal,” I say sadly. He squeezes me tighter in the hug
“I keep telling you it’s not safe to walk by yourself late at night. I’m not kidding, don’t do it again,” he states sounding worried.
“I promise I won’t, sorry Tuck.” I say giving into him
Finally Tucker puts some space between us and then says, “Well now that I know you are safe and sound at home I will head out, just don’t pull that bullshit again.” I roll my eyes and then say goodnight to Tucker and lock the door then head back to bed.
I sit and think about that hug over and over again and the smell of him. Don’t get me wrong, I have been close to him but never in a hug and not that close. I could feel he has some serious muscles going on under that shirt and damn I would like to have a look.
I don’t want to dwell, but I am sure that Tucker is probably meeting the redhead after he checked on me. I can’t say I blame him, she was stunning, and he is gorgeous so it only makes sense that two great looking people would hook-up. Tonight though, I just can’t help feeling jealous.
As much as I would love to try a relationship with someone at some point, I just know it would never work out. I am fucked up beyond repair,
so the less anyone knows about me the better.
Unfortunately for me, tonight is not a good night for sleep. I wake up about an hour or two later drenched in sweat, shaking like a leaf, and tears streaming down my face. This is why I will never be able to have a relationship. I wipe my face and try to calm myself down before I put myself in a full-blown panic attack. Finally, by breathing slowly, I am able to calm down my racing body and relax a bit. Unfortunately, no more sleep will come. Also, this time my nightmare was a bit different. No matter how many times I see my sister’s dead body and the blood that surrounds her, this time I see my mother holding the knife. My mom is only in my nightmares when she’s yelling at me, blaming me for shit that happened but not this time, it seemed so real. Too bad for me, I know my mom didn’t kill my sister.
I pull out my sister’s journal and start at the beginning again and read it, all the while with tears falling down my face. No matter how many times I read her diary, I always cry. I cry for the joy that is written in her words, for the sorrow, and for the pain she was in. There are times I blame myself because I didn’t know and I should have, but I know deep down there was nothing I would have been able to do, I was just a kid. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. God I miss her every freaking day. It’s like the day she died, part of me died too. Which is just part of the reason why I could never date Tucker or anyone else for that matter, I’m just not whole anymore.
This is about the time where I start to pull away because who needs someone who pulls other people down in their misery. I hate that and I make sure to not do the same to others. Just because I can’t deal with shit doesn’t mean I need to cause issues or problems to others as well.
Starting tomorrow, I need to go back into my quiet little shell and focus on my schooling and not about boys or relationships or anything else along those lines. I need to get my priorities in check and I will do that starting tomorrow.
Chapter 9
I wake up around l p.m. because clearly, I didn’t get to sleep at a decent hour which is fine; less time to worry or think about other bull shit. I get up, eat, and then decide to take a shower. I thought about running, but didn’t want to run into Tucker, so I stayed inside with the lights off so it would appear like I am not even home. I stay tucked inside my bedroom all day to catch up on my reading.
Before I know it, it’s time to head into work. I’m excited because I know it’s going to be a crazy busy night since King Dread is playing. This is a good thing because I won’t have time to think about other shit going on in my head and just focus on work. I decide to head into work early and help set up, plus I need out of my apartment. I take a longer route to work just to enjoy the fresh air before being stuck in the bar with the drunken crazies I am sure I’ll be seeing later.
I get to the bar around 7 p.m. and help make sure everything is stocked. I even talk to the band for a few minutes before they set up their equipment. They are a bunch of great guys. I wish them luck and then head back behind the bar. I also found a time to grab Eddie and talk to him about Spring break and working during the week; he advised it would be great and he will make sure I am added to the schedule. Thank God. I am going to need something to keep me busy. Luckily enough it is less than a week away. I just need to get through this week without talking to Tucker and then he will be gone for a week which should make it easier. I can do this, I keep telling myself. Hopefully soon I will believe it.
I ask Marcus if he can take me home after work tonight because I know I am not supposed to walk home and I don’t want Tucker to get the chance to offer to take me home. Marcus tells me it’s not a problem.
The bar starts to get busy pretty early tonight which is no surprise. Natalie comes in a little while later looks tired as all hell. I don’t call her out on it though because it’s not like she wouldn’t know how she looks anyway.
We get slammed and continue to stay that way for the rest of the night. I did see Tucker at one point, but I make it a point not to take my break tonight and tell Natalie to go ahead and take my extra fifteen minutes because, damn, she looks like she needs it. She thanked me and headed to the backroom for a bit.
Marcus and I tend the bar and are able to keep up with all the crazy customers in their drunken stupors. The band is playing a few new songs which the crowd seems to love. I must admit I love the new songs too. They are catchy and the beat is great to dance to. Also, the words carry such passion, I know one of the guys wrote the song just not sure which one. The guys write all their own songs which are amazing. That is true talent in itself and they outdid themselves with the new song they just played. I hope they make it big time, because they deserve it.
I have never seen a group work so hard to get where they’re at, I hope they get noticed soon. This reminds me, I should get them to all autograph something for me, so when they do make it big, I can say I knew you back when. I laugh to myself, I should do that.
I saw Tucker one other time and some brunette was with him this time. Hopefully he leaves with her; it will make my exit less awkward. Unfortunately something tells me that won’t be the case, he will be waiting outside like usual. But we didn’t talk about it tonight so hopefully he continues with other plans. He is here with his frat guys and they are all surrounded by chicks. I make it a habit to not look in his direction. I need to stick to my guns and let him go. I take up way too much of his time anyway when he could be partying and meeting girls, potential girlfriends. I know I’ll miss hanging out with him, but what I am doing is best for the both of us.
By the time the bar is closed, I am spent. My feet hurt, my head hurts, and my eyes want to fall out of my head. Natalie ended up leaving early so we were extra busy which means extra dead tired now. The tips are amazing though, so I suck it up and help restock the coolers then ask Marcus when he’s ready to go. He tells me he’s ready and we head out to the parking lot. Just like I thought, Tucker is standing at the corner waiting for me.
I say hey and then tell him that Marcus is taking me home and that I will talk to him later. I continue to walk to Marcus’ car and Tucker catches up and says, “I can take you home.”
“It’s okay, I’m beat anyway. Go hang out with your friends and I’ll talk to you later, goodnight Tuck.” And without another word, I get into Marcus’ car and shut the door. I can tell by the look on Tucker’s face he knows something’s going on, but he doesn’t say anything, just waves as we pull out on to the road, towards home.
Tonight goes a lot like last night, I get home take a shower and then head to bed because I’m exhausted. I thought sleep would come quickly and it does, but so does the nightmares. I’m not sure how long I slept but it felt like ten damn minutes before I wake up screaming, tears rolling down my face, and me punching my pillow thinking it’s someone else. God, why won’t they stop? I just want a normal life, without the messed up bullshit, without the drama, just a carefree normal teenage life like most kids have. Most kids don’t grow up with a fucked-up family like mine.
This nightmare was different than last night’s, but it’s no better than the night before. This time it was me screaming and fighting, not my sister, and who’s going to believe a child over an adult, apparently no one because that’s reality. Kids lie, parents tell the truth, what a crock of shit. If one person would have believed my sister she would be here today, but because no adult would believe her, at least not enough to step in and do anything, my sister had to take control into her own hands and make a decision that would ruin the rest of our lives. Well not our lives, particularly mine. My life is the one that got fucked-up once she decided she had enough. If only she would have talked to me, I would have done something, tried something; instead I learned about it from her journal and then later found the reality of it out myself.
Whoever said the truth will set you free lied, because my sister told the truth and look where it got her, six feet under the fucking ground. Even after her death, my parents were able to come up with some bullshit cover st
ory so they would continue to look like the amazing family, except I knew the truth. But hell, did I do anything, no! I just left, ran away, when I turned eighteen with no intentions of ever going back. If I go back, I would kill the monster and then I would be stuck in jail where the monster deserves to be. How is that fair? I don’t understand the world sometimes, it just doesn’t make sense.
After crying my eyes out, crying for me and for my sister, I finally succumb to sleep. I have no plans for tomorrow anyway except hiding in my apartment all day, so hopefully I can sleep the day away.
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I wake up and lucky for me it’s already 2 p.m. I slept a good part of the day away. I decide I need to do some laundry so I gather my clothes and then head down to the laundry room. I make sure to take my e-reader because I am going to be down here for a while. I throw two loads in the open washers and then have a seat and fall into the romance novel I am currently reading.
I finish the book I was reading by the time the buzzer goes off on the last dryer. I walk over and take out my final load, fold it and put the clothes into the basket. I make my way back up to my apartment. Once inside I realize I was in the laundry room for almost three hours, that is ridiculous, but at least I was out of the apartment, I think. I put my clothes away and then heat up some food because I’m starving. I sit in front of the television and watch some dumb reality show. I feel like all TV shows are reality now and they are getting dumber by the show. It’s ridiculous, but there’s nothing else on so I watch the stupid show. As I get up to refill my drink I see a piece of paper on the floor by the door, I go and pick it up and see it is a note from Tucker.
It reads:
Hey Harp,
I stopped by, but I guess you aren’t here. Give me a call when you get in and I’ll come over and hang out.
Needing You Page 6