by KL Slater
My heart thumped, my ears rang and my face burned. But job or no job, I’d made my mind up. I wasn’t going to be bullied into baring my soul. Not here, in front of people I’d only just met.
Dale coughed and fiddled with his copy of my CV.
‘You’ve certainly got a wealth of experience, Toni,’ he said approvingly. ‘On both sides of the business, too. Sales and lettings.’
I broke eye contact with Bryony and nodded at Dale, grateful for his intervention.
‘I enjoy working in both areas,’ I said. ‘I know this opening is for the lettings side, but I’m happy to be flexible.’
‘But you’re aware this is the assistant’s position?’ Bryony frowned. ‘Isn’t this job rather a step down for someone with your experience?’
‘It’s true I’ve had a wide range of experience, but less responsibility suits me better at this point in my life.’
The heat in my face seemed to be building. I wished I had a glass of water and that they’d open the door behind me, to let a little air circulate through the stuffy space.
‘You mentioned a daughter. Is she at school now?’ Bryony asked. ‘I assume you have flexible childcare arrangements in place, because there are occasions you might be asked to work late or come in a few hours early in busy periods.’
I opened my mouth to answer her and then closed it again.
Would she have asked a male candidate that question? A twisty heat begin to simmer in my chest.
‘Let’s remember this position is only part-time, Bryony,’ said Dale. ‘I’m sure Toni would be willing to be flexible if required.’
‘Of course,’ I replied, looking at Dale and avoiding Bryony’s incisive stare.
They asked me a few more questions.
What kind of pay was I looking for? Did I have any pre-existing holidays booked? When could I start?
‘No holidays and I could start tomorrow,’ I said quickly. ‘If you wanted someone that soon. And I’m flexible regarding pay.’
‘We do have another candidate to consider,’ Bryony said quickly. ‘So we’ll let you know our decision later today.’
Dale looked at her sharply and, for a second, something resembling irritation burned in his eyes. Then it was gone.
‘Thank you so much for coming, Toni.’ He stood up and began walking to the door. ‘I’ll show you out.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ I said to the top of Bryony’s head as she scribbled something in her notepad.
‘Yes.’ She looked up and pulled her mouth into a shape that fell somewhere between a smile and a grimace. ‘Thank you for coming.’
Back in the shop, there were more prospective customers browsing the properties and I saw that the agent, a woman, was still sitting at her desk dealing with clients.
Dale insisted on checking he had the right telephone number to reach me on.
‘I’ll definitely be in touch later.’ He glanced around and dropped his voice lower. ‘Just between you and me, we’d be fools not to snap you up, all those years of experience.’
Reading between the lines, it felt like his words were weighted and he was trying to tell me I had the job. But knowing me, I was probably imagining it, so I swept it aside.
We shook hands and, for the first time since the interview started, I felt a little lighter.
As I stepped outside and turned to pull the door closed behind me, I saw Bryony leaning against the wall in the hallway, watching me leave with narrowed eyes.
21
Present Day
Queen’s Medical Centre
Dr Shaw shines a light directly into my eyes.
I squint hard against the brightness, but regardless of what I do, my eyes remain motionless; wide open and staring.
The doctor bends down closer, humming softly as she peers at my pupils and then stretches each eyelid wide.
I can see the large, open pores in her nose and chin and it reminds me that I had a tub of face cream in my bathroom cabinet at home that was supposed to close the pores up, so you looked younger. She ought to use something like that.
I wonder how old Dr Shaw is – I’d say maybe early forties. Somehow, I can’t imagine her with kids. Maybe she has a husband who is also a doctor. They might meet up after work and then cook a meal together to unwind when they get home.
It’s far more likely they grab a sandwich and fall fast asleep after work, knackered from attending to hopeless cases like me all day long.
If only they had a machine that could translate the anxious thoughts that fill my brain. I could tell them how Evie was taken from me, beg them to help me find her before it’s too late.
Every day I remember a little more. I’m putting together the pieces of how it happened, of how she disappeared.
Sometimes it’s hard to know if my memories are real or just imagined.
Dr Shaw’s face hovers close to mine and I catch the slightest trace of smoke on her breath that she has tried, unsuccessfully, to disguise with a mint.
I blink at her in a mad flurry but the connection inside me is broken and nothing happens.
‘So, how’s Matt?’ I hear Dr Chance say from across the room. He is out of my limited range of partial vision. His voice is deep and sincere but I think I might detect a hint of amusement in his tone.
‘Oh, you know, overworked and underpaid like the rest of us.’ Dr Shaw squeezes a pipette and a drop of cool, soothing fluid slides onto my dry eyeball. Her face instantly blurs above me. ‘Actually, he’s still planning our escape to the country.’
‘And will you go?’ Dr Chance asks. ‘Open that B&B you’ve always talked about?’
‘No.’ I watch a shadow settle over Dr Shaw’s features. ‘It’s Matt’s pipe dream and I’m guilty of indulging him. We’ve no equity in the house and without jobs it’s nothing but a fantasy.’
Do it, I tell her in a bold, urgent tone. Open your B&B, breathe in the clean, fresh air. Get away from the rat race and live the life you want, while you still can.
‘Oh!’ She snatches back her hand from above my eye.
‘What is it?’ I hear Dr Chance’s shoes clip briskly across the floor and now there are two faces peering down at me, hovering in front of my eyes.
His features are rugged with a faint shadow of stubble. His nose looks slightly off-centre, as though it might’ve been broken when he was younger. Flinty, grey eyes look down on me with vague but genuine concern.
I can see you! I cry out.
I stretch my mouth wide, blink my eyelids, wrinkle my nose.
They continue to stare down impassively.
Dr Shaw frowns. ‘I don’t know. For a second I thought there was something there.’
‘Did she move?’
‘No, it was just – I saw this sort of gleam in her eyes, that’s the only way I can describe it. It was odd.’
Yes! Behind it all, I am still here. My eyes gleamed. They did!
‘It’s probably just the pupils contracting with the serum,’ Dr Chance says, staring down at me without expression. ‘Or a trick of the light.’
Look again! I shout. Please, look again.
‘You’re probably right.’ She tilts her head, studying me. Still reluctant to look away. ‘For a second it just felt there was some sort of presence there, behind her eyes, you know?’
‘We all want to believe that,’ Dr Chance says, stepping away. ‘It’s hard to accept the loss of life, when the patient looks so normal.’
‘You’re right,’ she says, finally looking away from me. ‘But in some ways, I suppose anything is better than this.’ Her eyes flick back to me and she squeezes them shut briefly, before opening them again. ‘It sounds harsh, but death has got to be better than barely existing.’
22
Three Years Earlier
Toni
I stepped out of Gregory’s Property Services and into the street. I felt a little better after inhaling a few deep breaths of fresh air. Being cooped up in that tiny office, under pressure, had been testing to say the least.
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I slipped off my jacket, folded it over my arm and began walking briskly down the street towards my car. Soon, my heart rate would calm down and my face would stop burning.
I had plenty of time left on my parking ticket. But it was nearly three forty-five and Evie would already be home from school.
I was so excited to hear about how her first day had gone.
I fired off a quick text to say I was on my way and how was Evie, but Mum didn’t reply. I felt a stab of annoyance. Of all days, you’d think she would let me know how Evie had coped on her first day at big school.
There was more traffic on the journey home than I’d expected but I didn’t mind because it gave me a little thinking time. I wound the windows down slightly, enjoying the warm breeze but wishing the car had air con.
Maybe, just maybe, this job could get me a newer car and a weekend break away for Evie and I. Those things might not be as unreachable as they felt right now.
There had been a point during the interview when Bryony seemed to be so openly hostile that I questioned if I really wanted to work there.
But why should I let someone so obviously bitter put a dampener on my plans for a better life? I really liked Dale and although I hadn’t had a chance to speak to the other female agent at the desk, Gregory’s seemed a nice enough place to work.
I managed to find a parking space outside the house and as I got out of the car, I expected to see Evie banging excitedly on the living room window, desperate to tell me about her day.
We’d already developed a habit of using the back kitchen door, rather than the front door which led directly into the living room, so I walked around the side of the house.
I noticed that the yard was overgrown with more weeds than actual grass and it looked like the entire population of the estate’s cats were used to treating the borders as the local litter tray.
Mum was adamant we should always keep the doors locked ‘in an area like this’ so I wasn’t surprised when I tried the handle and the door didn’t open.
Rather than start ferreting in my bag for the bunch of keys I’d just thrown in there, I tapped on the opaque, patterned glass and waited. Nobody came to the door.
I eventually found my keys and unlocked it.
‘Hello?’ I called as I stepped inside the house.
Something about the silence and the stillness of the air within told me nobody was home, which was surprising. I glanced at the kitchen clock. It was nearly four fifteen, a full hour after Evie had finished, and I knew from this morning that walking at a leisurely pace to school took only fifteen minutes.
I pulled my phone out of my handbag and checked for messages. Nothing.
I dialled Mum’s number and it went straight through to answerphone.
My heart rate started to pick up pace again.
‘It’s fine,’ I murmured out loud. ‘Everything is fine.’
I dialled St Saviour’s and waited for the administrator to answer, but a recorded message informed me that the school office was now closed.
I sat down at the tiny kitchen table, my chest rising and falling far too fast. Since Andrew’s accident, my mind went straight from nought to a hundred miles per hour, seeing a crisis in everything. It sped to the worst case scenario every time.
Mum wouldn’t have forgotten it was Evie’s first day, I knew for sure she’d have been there to pick her up. So where could they be?
I couldn’t just sit here, doing nothing. I dumped my jacket and handbag and dashed from the house, clutching only my phone and keys.
So many awful what if scenarios sped through my mind, I could barely keep track.
What if there had been a road accident involving Mum and Evie?
What if Mum had collapsed and Evie had run into the road in a panic?
What if Mum was ill and unconscious somewhere and Evie had somehow managed to wander home on her own?
I emerged on to the street, my eyes prickling and mouth dry, and that’s when I saw them. Turning the corner into Muriel Crescent.
‘Yoo-hoo!’ Mum called, waving.
Evie had an ice cream in her hand and seemed subdued. Usually, I’d expect her to break away from Mum and run to me.
‘Where were you?’ I rushed up. ‘I was worried sick.’
‘Heavens, Toni,’ Mum said in her there you go again with your completely illogical reaction tone of voice that always made me feel incredibly stupid despite the high level of panic Mum had managed to provoke. ‘It’s a warm day and you were at your interview. There’s no sense in Evie being cooped up in the house.’
Mum’s infuriatingly logical reasoning. Why couldn’t I have told myself the same thing before I launched into imagining my whole world ending?
‘But I thought . . . Anything could have happened. I texted you.’
‘My phone’s out of charge.’ Mum shrugged. ‘I left it on the side in the kitchen. Please don’t make a scene about it, love.’
Me make a scene? I spent most of my time walking on eggshells so as not to annoy Mum. Still, I let it go.
I realised Evie hadn’t said a word. I stepped in front of her and sank down on my haunches. My heart was still hammering but I knew it would calm down soon, now I knew she was safe. ‘Do I get a cuddle from my big girl, then?’
She gave me a weak smile and a half-hearted hug and that’s when I saw she’d been crying. I looked up at Mum.
‘Besides, Evie got herself a little bit upset, didn’t you, petal?’ Mum shot me a meaningful look. ‘I thought a little walk to the park and an ice cream might help.’
When we got back inside the house, Evie went straight to the living room door and waited there. I went in first and did my waspie walkabout. This was what we now called our new routine. Before Evie felt comfortable entering this room, I had to check every inch of it for wasps that might have escaped Mr Etheridge, the world’s greatest pest controller.
When Evie was satisfied the room was safe, she turned on the TV and, despite the heat, snuggled under her fleecy comfort blanket with her thumb in her mouth. She wouldn’t entertain the window being open anymore. I was hoping that in time the trauma would fade. Just like the stings seemed to be doing at last.
When I was sure Evie was settled, I went back in the kitchen, flicked on the kettle and looked at Mum.
‘What happened?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Mum sighed. ‘For starters, you told me the wrong time, which didn’t help.’
‘What?’
‘School finishes at three fifteen, Toni, not three thirty. The other children had been collected and when I got there poor Evie was sat all alone.’
I frowned. I could have sworn that when Harriet Watson visited, she’d made a point of telling me that pick-up time was three thirty.
‘Anyway, when I picked her up from class, Miss Akhtar, her teacher, said she’d had a good day.’
‘I thought her teacher’s name was Miss Watson?’
‘No, it was definitely a Miss Akhtar, she introduced herself to me. A nice young woman she was, looked as though she was just out of university.’
That description didn’t match the middle-aged, rather stern Harriet Watson, who had visited us earlier in the week. I seemed to be getting all the details mixed up in my head.
I made two coffees and we sat down at the table.
‘I thought Evie seemed a bit quiet, and when we got out of the school gates, she burst into tears,’ Mum said, tracing a deep scratch on the thin wooden veneer of the tabletop.
‘Why was she so upset?’
‘She wouldn’t tell me, Toni.’ Mum looked up at me and I could see she felt troubled and confused about Evie’s reaction. ‘All she kept saying was that she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow. Don’t get annoyed with her.’
‘Why do you keep saying that?’ I took a big gulp of steaming hot coffee and swallowed it down, wincing as it burned my throat. ‘When have I ever caused a scene or got annoyed?’
Mum looked at me.
I
did feel a twist of blame towards her for not finding more out from the school. If she’d noticed Evie was overly quiet, then Mum should’ve asked the teacher a few more questions.
‘It’s a shame you couldn’t have been there to pick her up on your first day,’ Mum said, on the defensive again and weirdly accurate. ‘Then you could have asked her teacher yourself.’
I wasn’t going to get into a fight with Mum. I couldn’t handle it today.
‘By the way, my interview went well,’ I said pointedly. ‘They’re ringing me later to let me know if I’ve got it.’
‘Oh good,’ Mum said, her tone conveying that, in her opinion, it was actually the exact opposite of good. She stood up and picked up something from the counter that was wrapped in a clean tea towel. ‘Here, I made a quiche for your tea.’
23
Three Years Earlier
The Teacher
After she’d photocopied more worksheets for the next day, Harriet began to collect up the numerous sheets of the children’s dried artwork from the six square tables that were dotted around the classroom.
Without doubt, this was her favourite time of day. Most of the staff and all of the children had gone home and the classroom assumed a tranquil, reassuring ambience that never failed to calm her nerves.
Harriet was in no rush to go home. She was never quite sure, until she got through the door each day, what mood her mother would be in. It wasn’t difficult to hazard a guess, of course. Nine times out of ten, it was a foul mood.
It had seemed such a long summer break this year. At times it had felt never-ending. Each time there was a school holiday, she was always among the rare few who were glad to get back to work.
At school, Harriet felt as if she was somebody. She was respected because of her experience and people generally seemed keen to listen to her views and opinions. It was a far cry from being stuck at home with her constantly criticising mother. But, regardless of what she thought, Harriet knew that the work she did was important. Children were vulnerable, they needed guidance to help them navigate through the pitfalls of life as they grew older. Many of them received little guidance and learned few suitable life skills from their parents, or rather parent in the singular, as Harriet observed had increasingly become the norm in many homes.