by KL Slater
‘Sandwiches are coming,’ Jo said, putting down our coffees and peering at the stuff piled on the chair. ‘Looks like you keep all your worldly goods in that bag.’
‘I’m looking for my purse,’ I said, tasting sick in my mouth. ‘It’s not here.’
Jo was immediately calm. ‘Look again. Sometimes stuff gets tucked away behind other things.’
‘But I’ve taken everything out.’ I opened my bag wide so she could see. ‘It’s not there, Jo. Oh shit. Shit. Shit.’
‘Was there anything in it?’ she asked. ‘I mean other than debit cards?’
‘I’d just drawn my food money out for the week,’ I said, the sting of tears blurring my eyes as I looked hopelessly around the floor. ‘I seem to manage better when I use cash.’
‘OK, first things first,’ Jo said. ‘Let’s go back to the bank and see if you left it there.’
‘I didn’t. I went to the chemist after the bank and then the post office. I definitely had my purse in the post office.’
‘So we’ll try there. Someone might have handed it in.’ Jo kept up her calm, reasonable tone but I knew it was just for my benefit. I mean, who was going to hand in a purse full of cash?
‘Oh God.’ My heart ached as I remembered. ‘There was a letter in there from Andrew. He’d sent it before the accident and I received it two days after he died. I don’t know why I was keeping it in there, I just wanted it with me all the time, I suppose.’
‘Oh, Toni, no.’ Jo grasped my arm. ‘Come on, let’s go back to the shops, it might not be too late.’
We left the lattes untouched on the table and Jo hurriedly asked the waitress to bag up our sandwiches to collect on our return.
49
Three Years Earlier
Toni
‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Jo as we walked briskly back up the High Street together. ‘I’ve ruined our lunch, being so careless with my purse.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Jo said, linking her arm through mine and leading me out into the street. ‘We’ve all done it.’
In the post office, Jo took charge and walked straight to the front of the queue. Unsurprisingly, nobody had handed in a long, black purse stuffed full of cash. We scouted round the shelves full of envelopes, Sellotape and packs of pens but it was hopeless.
‘Are you certain this was the last place you had it?’ Jo asked me.
My mind was just a mess. I couldn’t remember even getting my purse out in here, but I must have done, in order to buy the stamps.
Then I suddenly remembered. ‘I put the stamps in my purse.’
‘And then you put the purse back in your bag?’
‘Yes, definitely. That’s what I did.’
‘So maybe it dropped out somehow when you walked to the café,’ Jo suggested.
We walked back to the café in subdued silence, scanning the pavements in vain. The street was busy with shoppers and workers on their lunch break, everyone scurrying around trying to maximise their time.
That’s why the tall, stationary figure, staring from across the road, drew my eye. I squinted through the moving bodies to see if it was someone I recognised but whoever it was stepped aside and melted back into one of the alleyways between the shops.
I silently berated myself. I was becoming paranoid, as well as ridiculously forgetful. I waited outside while Jo popped back into the café for our sandwiches. Not that I had any appetite left whatsoever.
‘I just don’t know how I could’ve lost my bloody purse between here and the post office,’ I said as we got to the office door.
‘You two are back early,’ Dale said, his mouth full of food.
‘There’s been a bit of a disaster,’ Jo told him. ‘Toni has lost her purse.’
We had to go through the whole story again for Dale’s benefit. Halfway through, Bryony came back from lunch and waded right in.
‘Let me get this straight,’ she said. ‘You can’t even remember when you last had your purse?’
‘I do remember. I definitely had it in the post office,’ I said. ‘I bought stamps, put them in my purse and then put it back into my handbag.’
‘Maybe you thought you did but left it on the counter instead.’
‘I didn’t. I put it back in my bag.’
‘But it isn’t in there. So you either missed your bag and it fell on the floor, or—’
‘I think I would’ve noticed that,’ I said. I felt hot and I couldn’t seem to get my breath properly. ‘I would have noticed.’
‘Well, then, someone must have taken it out of your bag.’ Bryony looked at Dale. ‘Maybe we should call the police?’
‘And say what?’ Jo remarked. ‘Toni has no description of a thief, she doesn’t even know if there is a thief.’
I shook my head glumly.
‘Sadly, under the circumstances, I think you might have to put this down to experience,’ Dale said. ‘It’s painful, I know, but under the circumstances—’
‘You seem to be mislaying rather a lot of things lately,’ Bryony said. ‘You managed to lose a framed photograph from your desk and now your purse. I wonder what will be next.’
They all exchanged a glance.
‘Excuse me,’ I said abruptly, and walked quickly into the back, locking myself in the loo. I splashed some water on my face at the little sink and took a few deep breaths. I really needed that money I drew out of the bank today. What was I going to do, go cap in hand to Mum again? I wasn’t exactly her flavour of the month at the moment. It would just give her more ammunition to beat me into submission.
And losing Andrew’s letter, the last thing he ever wrote to me. How could I have been so utterly stupid?
Then there were the debit cards; I’d have to ring the bank as a matter of urgency. It was all so overwhelming.
A faint tapping sounded on the door. ‘You OK, Toni?’
I unlocked the door and walked out. ‘I’m fine, Jo. Just angry with myself.’ I smiled weakly at her. ‘Thanks so much for all your help though.’
She dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand.
‘Look, maybe you’ve just got a lot on,’ Jo said kindly as we walked back into the office. I was relieved to see that Dale and Bryony were no longer in there. ‘Let’s go out for a drink after work one night, let our hair down. What do you say?’
‘I can’t afford it now,’ I said. ‘And I can’t really ask Mum to babysit at the moment with everything else she does.’
‘OK, then I’ll come round to yours,’ she said brightly. ‘I can sit and read Evie a story while you have a nice bath. No arguing, OK?’
‘OK.’ I smiled.
But it wasn’t OK, not really. The house was such a mess and I felt anxious about letting someone into my life when I was struggling to cope with even simple everyday things. Not to mention the little pockets of forgetfulness I seemed to be having.
Jo meant well but I wished she’d just leave me alone to sort myself out.
50
Three Years Earlier
Toni
For the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t really concentrate for worrying about what I’d lost in the purse, but I was able to bury myself in the mindless writing of customer contact cards.
When I checked my phone I had a missed call from Tara. She was probably ringing to see if I’d finally flipped over the edge, after my rant to her voicemail the other day. I couldn’t face talking to her at the moment; I didn’t want to tell her about today’s crisis. I felt so completely incompetent.
I never thought I’d feel grateful to Bryony for giving me such a boring job, but it turned out to be the ideal task for getting me through the hours until I could finally leave for home. When the cards were finished, I picked up the stack and took them through to her office. She wasn’t in there, but the door was wide open so I went straight in and placed them neatly on the edge of her immaculate desk.
I’d just turned to leave when I noticed the door to the small store room in the corner was ajar. Something gli
stened as I moved, drawing my eye. I took a step towards it and then froze as I recognised what had caught my attention.
There, perched on the end of a shelf and just visible through the open door, was Evie’s silver-framed photograph. The one that had disappeared from my desk.
I stared, trying to make sense of what I was seeing.
‘What are you doing in here?’
Bryony’s sharp, cool tones behind me made me visibly jump.
‘Oh! I was – I just brought you the contact cards through.’ I nodded to the neat stack I’d placed on her desk.
She folded her arms and leaned against the door frame.
‘It’s the second time I’ve found you in here, snooping around.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Kindly keep out of my office when I’m not here. And why are you looking at me like that?’
‘I just – well, something caught my eye in there,’ I stammered, looking back at the store room door. ‘It’s – it looks like Evie’s photograph, the one I had on my desk.’
‘What?’
She stalked by me on her killer heels and pushed the store room door open wider. ‘Where? Oh, here.’ She picked it up, looked at it and smiled, her face softening. ‘She’s a little sweetheart, isn’t she? What’s it doing in here?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, taking the photo from her outstretched hands. ‘I didn’t put it in here.’
‘Well, I certainly didn’t.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t look at me like that, the cleaner probably found it lying around in the main office and put it in here for safekeeping.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. ‘That must’ve been it.’
I’m assuming the cleaner would have known it belonged on my desk. After all, it had been there almost a full week before it disappeared.
‘You’d better take extra care where you put things in future.’ Bryony frowned as I moved towards the office door. ‘It seems that losing stuff is getting to be quite a habit of yours.’
I didn’t respond to Bryony’s veiled criticism, but carried on walking and went back to my desk. I sat for a moment, staring at Evie’s photograph, which I’d laid flat in front of me.
The door closing behind an exiting customer broke me out of my doleful reverie.
‘You OK there, Toni?’ Jo asked, her face creased with concern.
‘Sorry.’ I shook my head and smiled. ‘I’m fine. Just thinking about something Bryony said.’
‘You look upset,’ she said cautiously, as if she was worried about me bursting into tears. ‘Hope she hasn’t said anything to make your day even worse.’
‘No, she hasn’t. She said something that’s made me think, though. Look.’ I held up the ‘lost’ framed photograph. ‘It was in Bryony’s store cupboard.’
Jo pulled a puzzled face. ‘What was it doing in there?’
‘Bryony said the cleaner might’ve put it in there. She reckons I’ve got a problem with losing stuff.’
‘That’s not fair.’ Jo frowned. ‘Anyone can lose a purse.’
‘It’s not just the purse though, is it?’ I shrugged. ‘This photo went missing from my desk, and then, at home, I keep forgetting important times and stuff. I mean, what if I’m losing my marbles and I don’t realise?’
Jo laughed and shook her head.
‘Toni, you might be a bit scatty because you’ve got a lot on, but I’m willing to bet you’re still sane. Mostly, anyway.’
I smiled at her quip but then my face fell again. ‘Sometimes I worry I’m not coping very well,’ I said, surprising myself that I was actually voicing this worry. ‘I’m a crap mum to Evie at the moment, too.’
Jo shook her head. ‘You’re too hard on yourself, love. We’ve all done stuff we’re not proud of. Jeez, I know that more than anyone.’
She must have been referencing her past. I stayed quiet, wondering if she’d elaborate, but she didn’t say anything else.
‘I just – I don’t know. I hate this feeling of not being in control of myself, of what happens.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ she replied, but I doubted she did.
She didn’t know about the tablets and the gaps in my memory. And I certainly wouldn’t be mentioning that. I didn’t say anything else, letting the whole subject go.
But underneath, something was still niggling at me. Something didn’t feel right.
51
Three Years Earlier
Toni
‘Mrs Cotter? I’m Di Wilson, a nurse at the accident and emergency department at the QMC. Your mother has had a fall at home and has been brought in. She’s asked me to ring you, to let you know.’
‘Oh no.’ I stood up quickly, my free hand flying to my throat. ‘Is she OK? When did this happen?’
Jo looked up from typing up Bryony’s valuation report.
‘It happened at lunchtime,’ Di continued. ‘We think she’s badly bruised her shinbone. It’s painful and nasty and she’s quite shaken, but apart from that, she’s fine. She’ll mend.’
‘Is she at home now?’
‘She’s still here, at A&E.’
When I came off the call, Jo had called Dale and Bryony through from their offices.
‘Are you OK, Toni?’ Dale asked.
I began to garble out the details. ‘Mum’s stuck in A&E right now and there’s nobody to pick Evie up later, I—’
He held up his hand and I stopped talking.
‘Go now,’ he said kindly. ‘I hope your mum’s OK. If you need me to do anything, just shout.’
Bryony walked over to me and placed her hand on my arm.
‘Me too.’ I looked down at her hand, not quite believing she was offering me comfort. ‘I could pick Evie up from school, she knows who I am now.’
‘Thanks so much.’ I grabbed my jacket and coat. ‘I’ll text you, Bryony, once I know what’s happening. Whatever happens, I’ll be in the office tomorrow though, no problems. Thank you.’
‘Don’t worry about it, Toni, we completely understand.’ Bryony smiled and I felt a little shiver run down both my arms.
* * *
By the time I got to the hospital and found a parking space, it was nearly three o’clock. I had to be back at school for four thirty at the latest, to pick Evie up from her after-school session.
I dashed into the grubby unisex loo near the entrance. My throat felt like sandpaper and the beginnings of the mother of all headaches began to gather momentum at the base of my skull.
Before I could think better of it, as I sat on the loo, I unzipped the compartment in my handbag and shook out a single tablet, swallowing it dry. Just the one.
Out in the main area, I gave Mum’s name and the receptionist pointed me to a second patient waiting room, beyond the initial one. I spotted Mum, huddled over in the far corner of the packed, noisy space. She sat close to the wall, her eyes downcast. The domineering, outspoken woman I knew and regularly fought against was absent. She looked smaller, more vulnerable, somehow.
I negotiated my way around the various injured bodies and wheelchairs. Toddlers ran around aimlessly, brandishing the sticky, chipped toys they’d gathered from the chaotic play corner.
‘Toni.’ Mum’s face lit up when she spotted me. ‘You came.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I looked at her pale face. ‘Of course I came.’
‘I just thought . . .’ Mum lowered her eyes. ‘You know, we’d fallen out and—’
‘Don’t be silly.’ I shook my head. ‘I’m always here for you, Mum, you know that.’
Her eyes glistened and she reached for my hand. I felt her fingers quivering slightly in mine. ‘It really shook me up, love, I just don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid.’
‘What happened?’
‘I slipped, on the stairs,’ she said, shaking her head as if she still couldn’t quite believe it. ‘And you know how strict I am about keeping the stairs clear.’
I nodded. The memories were still fresh in my mind of coming in from school. Within seconds, Mum would demand I
take my shoes, coat and bag up to my bedroom. She’d always had this obsessive thing about clutter being dangerous if it was left around the bottom of the stairs.
‘I tripped over my shoes, coming down. I couldn’t see a thing because I’ve somehow mislaid my glasses. I still haven’t found them.’
I looked at her. ‘You left your shoes on the stairs?’
In particular, footwear left on the stairs was a lifelong pet hate of Mum’s.
‘That’s just it. I didn’t leave them there. Of course I didn’t,’ she said vehemently. She looked down at her hands and her voice grew quieter. ‘There were two pairs of shoes there, Toni. On different steps.’
‘What?’
‘I can’t remember even wearing them, never mind putting them there.’ She shook her head at the troubling thoughts obviously swirling inside. ‘If I actually did that, I’m scared. I mean, you read about dementia and all that stuff, don’t you? And I am getting on a bit, now.’
I raised my elbows briefly to ease the clammy feeling under my arms.
I couldn’t think what to say, but I also couldn’t stop staring at her. For a few seconds, it seemed as if only a diluted version of Mum remained, compared to the woman who had so recently stormed out of my house in a self-righteous strop.
I looked at her wide, cloudy blue eyes, her pale, soft skin, the way she kept biting the inside of her lip to keep the tears at bay. Mum was only in her late sixties, but this had unnerved me.
‘You probably just forgot to move them,’ I mumbled, trying to mask my concern. ‘We’ve both had a lot on our minds with Evie being unhappy at school and everything.’
‘It’s all swollen.’ Mum looked down at her roughly bandaged lower leg. ‘I’m waiting to see someone else now, who’s going to do a more thorough job.’
‘I can sit with you for an hour and then I’ll go and pick up Evie,’ I said, patting Mum’s hand. ‘Don’t worry, we’ll both stay over at yours tonight.’ We sat mainly in silence. I tried to make bits of inane conversation but, understandably, Mum wasn’t in the mood.