I stopped and tugged down on her hand, causing her to lose her balance and bump into me. I wrapped my other arm around her waist. “Do you like it?”
“Yes.”
“All right then.” I gave her a quick squeeze before letting her go. “And next week elbow patches.” I winked, and she laughed.
The flavor of the day was Death by Chocolate, which seemed safe, so that’s what I got. Being far more daring than I am, Anya ordered the zucchini ginger cupcake with cream cheese frosting.
“Is it any good?” It sounded disgusting.
“Not as good as the tiramisu, but good,” she said with a shrug. She licked frosting off her pointer finger, wiped her hands on her napkin, and picked up her camera.
Then she aimed it at me.
“What are you doing?” I lifted my hand in front of my face to protect myself.
“Well, I was going to take your picture, but if you’re going to be a baby about it.” She stuck her tongue out at me, pushed back her chair, and started walking around the little bakery.
It was fun to watch her. She moved around a lot, standing on her tiptoes, twisting around to get the angle she wanted. Bending over, not that I stared. She’d take a few pictures and look at them, crinkling up her nose. Sometimes she’d adjust things on the camera, take some more. Other times she’d just move on to something else. And, more rarely, she’d smile. Just a little, like someone had whispered a secret in her ear.
When she finished, she plopped back down in the chair next to me. “Well, that was fun.”
“Do I get to see what you took?”
“Not yet. I’ll edit them and show you next week.”
“Yeah, about that.” I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to relieve the sudden tension there. “I kind of have to go visit my oldest sister and her family next week. It’s a long drive, so we don’t go often, and when we do, we stay for few days.”
“Oh.” It came out in a disappointed sigh that made her bottom lip stick out a little. I resisted the urge to smile. I was certainly disappointed I wouldn’t be seeing her next Tuesday, and it was nice to know she felt the same way.
“So, how long is a few days?” she asked.
“We leave Tuesday morning and don’t come home until Saturday afternoon.”
We sat in awkward silence for a minute, then she plastered a smile back on her face. “Well, I hope you have fun. Are you excited to see her?”
“Yeah, I guess. But I’ll miss seeing you.” I reached out and put my hand on hers, an electrical current running up my arm from across the table.
She laughed, her face turning pink. “I’ll see you the following Tuesday. Right?”
“Absolutely.”
“Good.” She nodded once as she said it. “Tuesdays and Thursdays are by far the best days of my week.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. They contain all my favorite things. Books, cupcakes… and you.” She smiled when she said it, then immediately looked away. I squeezed her hand tighter.
“I’d be happy with just you.”
She rolled her eyes, but she was grinning, too.
Anya
I held Zander’s hand extra tight on the walk back to the library. I didn’t want to go a week without seeing him. I didn’t want to go a day, truth be told. Thursdays were already harder to say goodbye than Tuesdays. Knowing it would be a whole week made it that much worse.
I didn’t know what I’d do for a whole week without him. He’d expanded my circle. I didn’t even get nervous on the walk to Baby Cakes anymore. With my hand in his, I could go anywhere.
But not without him. On my Zander-less days I did the same things I’d done for as far back as I could remember. Read, take pictures, edit pictures. Maybe make dinner for Mom and me, but she usually preferred to do that herself. It was a very boring life. I didn’t realize just how boring it was until Zander came in and spiced it up. Now life was measured by him. My good days and bad days depended on whether or not I saw him. When we reached the library, I didn’t want to let go of his hand.
His fingers were long, and his knuckles large. He had a small freckle between his first and second finger. I often had an urge to kiss it, but it wasn’t nearly as big as the urge to kiss his mouth. That urge was especially strong that day.
“I’ll see you in a week,” I said, trying not to sound as miserable as the words made me feel.
“In a week.” He lifted my hands to his mouth and kissed my fingers. I wanted to slow down time and memorize the feel of his lips on my skin.
My cell buzzed in my purse. Regretfully I let go of him.
Mom: On your way home?
I sighed, snapped a picture of the front of the library, and sent it along with my message.
Me: Just leaving.
“Bye,” I said, starting down the sidewalk.
“I miss you already,” he called out, and I laughed.
The walk home was gray. Gray sky, gray sidewalks. I kicked a rock with the toe of my shoe, keeping my eyes on it as I went, effectively avoiding eye contact with anyone who might have passed.
Chapter Twelve
Zander
I would have been looking forward to visiting my sister and her family if it hadn’t been for two things. One, I wouldn’t see Anya for a week. And two, my oldest sister, Zoey, was incredibly nosy.
“So, are you seeing anyone?” she asked. She was kneeling on the floor, changing the diaper of her youngest, Sam.
“Do you have to do that right there?” I asked, avoiding her question.
“What? Does it bother you?” She wrapped up the poop-filled diaper and threw it at me.
“Gah!” I dodged left, and it hit the floor. She laughed, scooping up her kid. “How old are you again?” I asked. “Geez.”
“Quit being such a baby. Go throw that away, will ya?”
“Um, no.”
“Fine. Then take him.” She plopped Sam on my lap and picked up the pile of stink off the floor.
Sam was nine months old, big enough to stop being a blob and start being cute. “Your mom is a crazy lady, did you know that?” Sam grinned up at me, drool slipping out of his mouth. Zoey walked back into the room and smacked the back of my head.
“Don’t tell him that.”
“Why? I’m sure he already knows it.”
“He likes you,” she said, smiling at us as my niece climbed into her lap. “You didn’t answer my question. Are you seeing anyone?”
I shrugged, bouncing Sam on my knee.
“Someday Uncle Zander will be a daddy,” Sophie, who was four, said from her perch on Zoey’s lap. It wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about, but with Sam smiling and gurgling, it didn’t seem like such a crazy idea.
“Yeah, well, not any time soon.” Zoey laughed, giving me a look. I shook my head and looked away from her. Now that I had thought about. Considering Anya and I hadn’t even kissed yet, there was no fear of what Zoey’s look implied.
But I hoped kissing was in our near future. I hoped we had a long future. It was something we didn’t talk about. Anya didn’t even know if or when she’d be able to date me for real, out in the open. I tried not to think about it, but it sat like a rock in the pit of my stomach. A solid stone of worry that what we had would never be real.
Zoey’s husband, Joe, came in, sat next to her, and kissed her on the cheek. I knew that someday I wanted what they had.
Anya
A week without Zander was altogether too long. I went to the library by myself, debated with Shannon on whether we were team Akiva or team Ziri. I personally was waiting to read book three to make my decision. She was firmly planted in Team Ziri and thought I was totally out of my mind.
I didn’t go to Baby Cakes. Despite how many times I’d made the walk with Zander, the thought of going there alone made my throat tighten up. It wouldn’t have been the same without him anyway. I had to push away thoughts of him somewhere else, having fun without me. It was silly to be jealous, especially since he
should be having fun. But I was jealous. I only got him twice a week, and that left five other days for him to meet someone more interesting than me. Someone who could give him all her time. Give him what he deserved.
No. I wouldn’t think like that.
Saturday evening I let only good thoughts enter my head. I wondered if he’d gotten home safely. Wondered if he was lying in bed somewhere thinking about me. I started to imagine what it would be like to lay next to him, the heat from his skin warming mine.
I was completely wrapped up in the fantasy when a small sound broke through. Sitting up and looking around my dark bedroom, I checked the clock. 1:27 AM. I’d been daydreaming longer than I’d realized.
Then I heard it again. Clack. Clack. Something was hitting my window.
I pushed back the covers and tiptoed over. Leaning my shaking hands onto my window seat, I peered out. My heart pounded and I bit down on my bottom lip, unsure whether or not I wanted to know what was making the noise. I tried to assure myself it was just a branch or something. I was wrong.
Delightfully wrong.
At first I didn’t see anything, but I was looking in the wrong place, still expecting to see a branch. When I looked down into the yard, Zander stood there half-crouched, looking up. He smiled and waved, glancing around the yard to make sure no one else could see him. I waved back, my mouth hanging open. I didn’t know what else to do.
He started waving again, this time gesturing for me to come down. I had never in my life sneaked out of my house. It never even crossed my mind. But with a beautiful boy standing out there below the stars, what else could I possibly do?
I put a light cardigan on over my PJs and slipped out into the hall. It was an old house with plenty of creaky spots. I’d read a lot of books in which girls talk about knowing a house so well they’d memorized each creak, able to avoid them when needed.
Clearly these girls were witches who had some sort of magical creak-identifying ability. Despite having lived there almost my whole life, I had no idea which floor boards would keep my secret and which would cry out to my mom with a loud and piercing creeeeeak.
With every sound I cringed, but my mom must have been fast asleep. She was probably used to the house making noises. She didn’t wake up.
I slipped on a pair of ballet flats, opened the back door as quietly as I could, and ran to Zander.
“What are you doing here?” I yelled in a whisper.
“I was lying in bed and decided I just couldn’t wait until Tuesday to see you.” He grinned at me and took a step closer. I stepped back, even though my body ached to stay near him. Looking up at the house, my throat tightened. What would my mom think? What would she do if she caught me? I’d spent my whole life trying to please my mom, and I’d always come up short. Didn’t I deserve to please myself?
“Come on, follow me.” I headed into the woods, following my little, worn trail. The woods seemed louder in the middle of the night than they did during the day. Bugs chirped and an owl called to the moon. Zander followed close behind, and after a few yards, I stopped and spun around. He almost crashed into me.
“Hi,” I said, smiling.
“Hi.”
I reached out and pressed my hands to his, palm to palm. He slipped his fingers between mine and pulled me closer, stopping just short of our bodies touching. “I was starting to think you weren’t happy to see me.”
“Happy, yes. Also surprised and a little bit nervous.” So much more than a little bit, but the nerves dancing around in my head had nothing to do with my mom now. He was so close. His lips looked delicious.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.” The stars shone through the trees, and the crickets sung a lullaby to the flowers. “You were saying something about not being able to wait to see me?”
He grinned, his dark eyes bright. My heart beat fast and loud, interrupting the night song. I took a small step forward, closing the gap between us. My chest and stomach were flat against him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I slid my hands up his back.
He leaned down and hesitated, his breath warm and staggered. Just when I thought I would burst apart from wanting, he kissed me.
I’d read about butterflies and fireworks, electricity, sparks and flames, your body warming up and getting chills all at the same time. I’d even felt my own body tingle while reading the words and longing to feel those things myself.
But now, with Zander’s lips against mine, I realized they were all weak descriptions.
Chapter Thirteen
Zander
Having Anya in my arms was perfect. I would have been totally okay with standing there in the middle of the woods, her body pressed against mine, for the entire night. But eventually she pulled away, leaving my chest cold despite the warm summer air.
“Come on,” she said, a mischievous smile on her face. She tugged on my arms, leading me along the trail, her long blond braids bouncing behind her. Normally those braids were wound around her head; seeing them down, I couldn’t believe how long they were.
“Do you ever wear your hair down?” I asked, gently tugging one of her braids.
“No, it would be all over the place.”
“Then why do you keep it so long?”
She shrugged, not turning around. “My mom likes it long. We’re almost there.”
A few more steps and we were in a wide clearing with over-grown grass and little purple flowers. She sat down in the middle, tipping her head back to look at the moon. She was in her pajamas, yellow and white striped bottoms and a light blue sweater that hung open to reveal a tiny white tank top that made me slightly dizzy.
I sat next to her and then leaned back onto the cool grass. She bent over me, her smile lighting up her whole face, then she slid down and rested her head on my chest, her body curled up next to mine. I put my hand on the small of her back and kissed the top of her head.
“Do you come here often?”
She laughed. “Yes, but not with boys. And never in the middle of the night.” I felt her chest rise and fall as she breathed. “It’s beautiful though, isn’t it?”
“You’re beautiful.”
We lay in silence again. Finally, I asked, “Will you talk to your mom? About us dating?”
She sighed. “I tried but… it’s complicated.”
“Okay?” I didn’t want to let it drop, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment, either.
“My mom,” she hesitated, lifting her cheek off my chest and looking up at the sky. “My mom had another daughter before she adopted me. Lauren. She died when she was sixteen. I knew that. I mean, there are pictures of her all over our house. But Mom doesn’t talk about her. I knew she’d passed away, but I didn’t know how until I was fifteen. My birthday was a few months away, and I kept thinking I was just a few months younger than Lauren had been when she died. I guess curiosity got the best of me. I went to the library and Googled her. I expected to find an obituary or something, but a bunch of articles came up.” A cool breeze ran over us and she shivered, wrapping her arms around herself. “She’d been attacked on her way home from a girlfriend’s house. They found her body a week after she disappeared. They never found the killer.”
“Wow.” All the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I pulled Anya closer. “That’s awful. I’m sorry,” I whispered, because I didn’t know what else to say.
“My mom was married then. There were pictures of her and her husband together in the articles. He looked like a nice guy, but you could already tell they weren’t going to make it. They weren’t holding each other, or touching at all in any of the pictures. By the time she adopted me, she was single. It’s been just me and her ever since.” She leaned back and looked at me. “So, I understand why she’s so over-protective. I do my best to make her not worry.”
“Yeah, I get that.” I tried to process everything she told me. Tried to imagine losing one of my brothers or sisters. How it would affect me, my parents.
“It’s
strange. It’s kind of like I have this sister I’ve never met.” Her lips lifted in a sad, fake smile. “And there’s this sibling rivalry, which is just crazy, because there’s only me.” Her voice was so soft I could hardly hear her. I ran my hand up and down her arm in an attempt to be comforting. “Only me. Sometimes I’m not sure that’s enough.” Her voice cracked, and I held her tight against me. There was nothing I could say, so I just held her.
Anya
It felt good in Zander’s arms. Comfortable. Too comfortable, since I started spouting off things I should never have said. But he held me and didn’t say I was crazy, or horrible and selfish and awful to be worried about competing with a dead girl.
He kissed my forehead, which was sweet, but not nearly enough, not after I’d tasted his lips. I leaned up on my elbow and bent over him, trying to convey with my eyes just how much I wanted him to kiss me. He stroked my cheek, and I leaned into his palm. Then he slid his hand behind my head and gently drew me forward.
There was no fantasy I’d ever dreamed up that was more perfect than kissing Zander. His lips were soft, and so were his kisses. But I leaned down into him, wanting more. We kissed in the cool grass, with the stars spying.
His hands pressed into my back, holding me close. His face was rough, in need of a shave, and his chin rubbed against my skin. I didn’t mind. His lips were smooth and warm, and we didn’t stop until the sky started to lighten. Not wanting to be caught by the sun, or my mom, we broke apart and raced hand in hand back to my house.
Right before I stepped into my yard, he tugged me back and kissed me one last time. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered into my ear. All I could do was grin. I forced my body to push away from him, dashed to the back door, slipped inside, and tiptoed to my room. My whole face was one huge smile. I was going to have to find some way to wipe it off before breakfast or my mom was really going to wonder what was wrong with me.
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