“I don’t want to hear another word about this boy.”
I stared up at her, my mouth hanging open. I realized in that moment that she really never would be okay with Zander. Not after the way she found out about us. A knife twisted in my chest. I’d ruined everything, and there was only one way to make it right.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Zander
I eagerly opened Anya’s letter, not knowing that her words would rip out my heart.
Dear Zander,
I spoke with my mom, and I’m afraid I have no good news to share with you. She’s forbidden me from seeing you, from even speaking of you again.
Do you know the saying, “If you love something, let it go?” I love you, Zander. I love you so much it hurts, and it kills me knowing that I have to hurt you, too.
But I do. I am in a position where I have only two choices. Hurt you slowly, over time, never being able to give you the relationship you want. The relationship you deserve. Or to hurt you quickly, and end this now.
I am so sorry, Zander. But I need to do what is best for you, even if you don’t think it’s the right choice. Please, please never doubt my love for you. I know I am hurting you, but please try to understand that I am doing it for you.
With all my love, and my deepest apologies,
Anya
I quickly wrote a reply, begging her to change her mind. To convince her I would wait for her either way, whether she asked me to or not. When I tried to give it to Shannon, she shook her head.
“I’m sorry. Anya wrote me, too. She said not to take any more letters from you.”
“Why would she do this?” I ran my hands down my face, my whole body shaking.
“The next time I see her, I’ll try to talk some sense into her, okay?”
Shannon’s eyes were wet with sympathy. I nodded to her and stumbled out of the library. I had to see Anya. I had to change her mind. I went back to my apartment and waited for dark.
Anya
A small rock hit my window. I sat upright in bed. Clack. Another stone. I lifted the covers, carefully stepped out of bed, and crossed the room. The window slid open with a low creak and I cringed, holding my breath and listening for the sound of my mom’s slippers on the hardwood. But it didn’t come. I opened it the rest of the way and looked down at Zander.
The moon was full, providing enough light to see his beautiful face and the plea in his eyes. I leaned out the window, my body wanting to be closer to his, no matter that he was two stories below.
Two nights before, I had woken up in the night to use the bathroom, and three steps into the hall Mom was there in her bedroom doorway. She watched, wordlessly, as I stepped into the bathroom, then came out and went back to my room.
There was no way I could get to the clearing without her catching me. But of course I was going to try.
I nodded at him and shut the window. He smiled and slipped onto the path, but I could still see him in the shadows of the trees.
With slow, careful steps I moved toward my door. I grabbed the doorknob, but it refused to turn. I yanked and tugged on it, but it was no use. She’d locked me in. She must have heard the stones, too. I was so distracted, staring down at him, I hadn’t even heard the click.
I ran to the window, planning to wave him down and let him know. Below me, the sound of the kitchen door swinging open broke the quiet of the night. My mother stepped into the yard, the moonlight making her dark red hair glow.
I should have thrown open the window. I should have called to him. But I was locked in place. My brain screamed at my body to do its bidding, but my body refused. Fear, or shock, held me there, watching.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Zander
The door opened and footsteps sounded on the patio before she reached the grass and her feet became quiet again. My heart raced, and I couldn’t wait for her to reach the safety of the woods. I stepped into her yard.
Anya’s mother stood tall in front of me, her eyes shooting icicles. I froze. Part of me thought I should run, and part of me wondered if I could reason with her. I was too terrified to do either. If the look she shot at me was meant to intimidate, she was doing a damn fine job.
“Who are you?” Each word a drop of ice in the summer heat.
“Zander.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see Anya.” Perhaps another answer would have gone over better, but I couldn’t think. The simple truth just came out.
She took another step closer to me and crossed her arms over her chest. I held my breath.
“Leave.” She took another step forward. My feet took root, and my mind turned to stone. I could not move, I could not think. Only my eyes worked, staring at her. “Forget about my daughter.” She released me from her gaze and started to turn around.
“I can’t do that,” I said, finding my voice again.
She whipped back around; a cold wind blew between us and a chill ran down my spine. “Why not?”
But this time she wasn’t able to freeze me in place. “Because I love her.” I pulled my shoulders back and tried to look tough, tried to look like a man who wasn’t going to back down, even though I still felt about three feet tall and twelve years old.
We stood that way for what felt like forever. She glared down at me, but I wasn’t going to budge. Finally, she lifted her chin and a smirk played on her lips.
“If I see you on my property again, I will call the police. Now leave.” She turned her back on me and strode back to the house, leaving me cold and alone in their dark yard.
Anya
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I watched Zander and my mom through the window, but I couldn’t hear what they said. When he walked away, I didn’t know if she’d convinced him to never come back.
When she came in, I thought she’d come to my room and… something. Tell me what happened. Yell at me. But she didn’t. I thought I heard crying coming from her room, but I wasn’t sure.
I sat with my back against my bedroom door all night. Finally, when light poured through my window, her footsteps came close and the lock on the door clicked open. I didn’t hear her move away. I waited for her to knock, then come barging in like she normally did. But she didn’t do that, either.
She must have been standing on the other side of the door for a full ten minutes or more. The lock clicked again before I finally heard her feet make their way down the hall.
I stood, walked into my closet, and got dressed. Then I did something that terrified me. Something I had to do. I packed my bags. And I waited.
It was hours before she came back to my door. Once again the lock clicked, and she slowly pushed the door open. Dark circles hung from her eyes. I cleared my throat, and she looked up at me. She saw the bag in my hand.
Her eyes widened for a split second, then turned to stone. She stood, pulling her shoulders back.
“I’m leaving,” I said, and for half a second, her shoulders fell. In that moment, I pushed past her and made my way down the stairs. She came running after me.
“What are you doing? You can’t leave,” she hollered. I stopped in the dining room and turned to face her. “Young lady, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I will send you right back to your room.” Her face was twisted inward, but her voice shook.
Behind her, Lauren watched over both of us. I took a deep breath and pushed back the tears that stung at my eyes.
“I know you’re trying to protect me. I know you’re scared, but you can’t keep me locked up forever.”
“Anya—”
I couldn’t stop. If I did, I might never have said it at all. “I’m sorry you lost Lauren. I’ve spent my whole life trying to make you happy, trying to be the daughter you wanted. But I’m not her. I never will be, and not allowing me to have a life will not give hers back.”
The tears won. They filled my eyes and spilled down over my cheeks, but I kept my hand tight on the handle of my suitcase. She opened her mou
th, but nothing came out except air. I strode past her and out the door.
I didn’t know the street where Zander lived now, but how hard could it be to find in a place this small? I was sure I could find it. I held the note he’d given me and walked into town. The sun was hot, and my bag got heavier with every step. As my fiery indignation faded, it was replaced by doubt. What was I doing? What if Zander didn’t want me to come to his place? I’d given him no warning. I’d told him I was done. I’d given up, and as far as he knew, when he came to me, I’d sent my mother out instead. He could be furious with me. He could hate me.
Once I got out of my own neighborhood, I felt small. Like a snowflake in a blizzard. I had no idea where to go. Why had I thought I could find it? The town was small, but there was so much of it I’d never seen.
I had to stop for directions and was thankful the sun was up. People didn’t disappear in the middle of the day, when there were no dark corners to disappear into. I saw a little gas station and decided that talking to the attendant was less frightening than wandering around lost.
The woman behind the counter was probably in her mid to late twenties, with black hair and dark eye makeup. She had a sort of surly look on her face, and I almost turned around to leave.
“Gas?” she asked, not even looking up at me.
“Um, excuse me?”
“Did you get gas?” She said it slowly, like she was talking to an idiot. And she was.
I shook my head. “I’m looking for directions.”
“Oh, where you headed?”
I handed her the paper with Zander’s address on it. “I know this place,” she said. She wrote down the streets and turns as she said them, then handed back the paper with a smile. I thanked her for the directions, but should have thanked her for more than that.
For reminding me that the world wasn’t terrifying. I’d broken my mother’s rules, and the world hadn’t come to an end. I wasn’t so naive as to think it was full of sunshine and lollipops, but it wasn’t full of dark corners and cruel faces, either.
The apartment building was on a dead-end street on the opposite end of town. With the attendant’s directions, I found it easily. I stood in front of the second building on the right. Tall, dark brown, and so much the opposite of the little county home I’d grown up in. I slipped through the front door and made my way to apartment number twenty-six. Butterflies started shooting around inside of me as I stared at the curvy, gold numbers on the white door. I thought about Zander’s letters. Of course he’d be happy to see me. My nerves had just fed my insecurities. I knocked and my smile grew as the door swung open. Then it quickly fell away.
A short, curvy girl with cropped dark hair and big brown eyes stood in front of me. My heart stopped for a beat, and all my insecurities slapped me in the face. “Oh, I’m sorry. I must be at the wrong apartment.” I looked back down on at Zander’s note. Apartment twenty-six.
“Are you looking for Zander?” she asked, her eyebrows cocked.
“Yes,” I said softly.
The girl grinned. “You must be Anya.” She stuck out her hand. “I’m Blake. I’ve heard so much about you!”
I sighed and shook her hand. She opened the door and waved me in. “Zander,” she called out. “Your not-so-imaginary girlfriend is here.”
He came running around a corner. When he saw me, he dropped his toothbrush and crossed the living room in a few long strides. He scooped me up in his arms and swung me around. I laughed, then he pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine, my feet still off the floor.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Zander
“What are you doing here?” I pulled my lips from Anya’s long enough to ask, but not long enough for her to answer. She slid her hand up my chest and gave me a gentle push, laughing against my lips. Reluctantly, I set her down. I looked around for Blake, but she must have sneaked out while Anya and I were mouth to mouth. No doubt she’d give me a hard time about it later.
“I had to see you. I’m so sorry, for everything. Is it okay that I came?” Her words rushed out of her mouth.
I drew her closer. “Of course. But what happened? Does your mom know you’re here?”
“No.” She shook her head against my chest. “I mean, she knows I left, but she doesn’t know where I went. Although, she could probably guess I went to find you.”
I led her to our faded couch, and we sat down together, her hand still in mine. “I didn’t know what to do. She locked me in my room last night. Actually, physically locked the door. I didn’t sleep all night.”
I looked at her more closely then. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes, or the sleepy glaze over them, when she first came in. I’d been too damn happy to see her.
“I just snapped,” she continued, talking to the air in front of her, her hands waving as she made each point. “No, that’s not right. I… I don’t know. I came together, maybe. All the anger and fear just built up inside of me until it made something stronger, and I realized something. I’m eighteen. I didn’t have to stay. I’m an adult. She can’t just lock me away forever. I need to be the one making decisions about my life, and I choose you. I’m so sorry, Zander. I don’t know what I was thinking before. Can you forgive me?” I stroked her cheek. “Of course. Of course.” She leaned against my hand, her face flushed and warm.
“Come on, you can lie down in my bed and get some sleep.”
She took a deep breath and lifted her cheek away from my palm. “I need to get a job and a place to stay. And I have to enroll at the high school. Oh God, Zander, how am I going to do this?” Her fire and anger had burned out, and she just looked lost.
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and made her lean into me. “Right now you can stay here. Get some sleep; you can figure out all that other stuff when you wake up. I’ll help you. I promise. But only if you get some sleep.”
She turned up her head and smiled at me. “Okay.” I took her to my room and immediately wished I’d cleaned it. My suitcases were still on the floor, clothes spilling out of them. The bed was unmade, but hey, at least the sheets were clean. We walked up to it, but she stopped, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. Her cheeks turned pink, and she bit her bottom lip. “It’s just strange, crawling into your bed.” I laughed and kissed the top of her head. “Will you lay down with me?” she asked. “Just until I fall asleep?”
“Of course.” I crawled into bed first. She smiled, her cheeks still pink. Then she kicked off her yellow shoes and slipped in next to me. She snuggled her back against my chest, and I wrapped my arm around her. Her braided hair hung over her shoulder, across her neck.
The scent of lavender filled the air. I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss the soft skin of her neck. She scrunched up like it tickled, so of course I didn’t stop. She laughed and rolled over to face me. Our noses touched, her body warm and soft against mine.
“Just how tired are you?” I asked, selfishly. It had been too long since I’d seen her last, and having her this close, it was impossible not to want to be closer.
She giggled, nuzzling her face into my neck. “Not that tired,” she whispered. I slipped my finger under her chin and lifted her face until she was looking at me. Her blue eyes shone, and she parted her lips. Chills ran down my arms and I sighed. I kissed her and pulled her closer.
Anya
Zander fell asleep with me, his arms wrapped around me, our bodies entwined. But when I woke up he was gone. I got out of bed and slipped my clothes on as quietly as I could, then tiptoed out of his room.
“Hey you,” he said when he saw me. He stood up from the couch and walked over, kissing my cheek. “How’d you sleep? How are you feeling?”
How did I feel? My feet wanted to float off the floor, I was so happy to be with here with him. Every time he looked at me, his eyes full of love, I thought I could fly away. But my twisted stomach weighed me down as thoughts of my mom
kept invading my mind.
“What time is it?”
He slipped his phone out of his pocket. “A little after four.”
I’d been gone all day. I knew my mom would be scared. I didn’t even have my cell phone since she’d never given it back to me.
“Is everything okay?” Zander asked, putting his hand on my arm.
“Yeah. It’s just…my mom.”
He nodded, then held out his phone. “Do you want to call her?” I shook my head, the thought made my throat tighten. I didn’t know what she’d say, or how I’d handle it. My strength from the morning seemed to have melted away while I slept. “How about you text her?”
“Okay.” That I thought I could handle. I held his phone in my hand and tried to think of what to write. I decide to keep it simple.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I’m safe.
I clicked it shut and quickly handed the phone back to Zander. He rubbed his hand up and down my arm.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said softly. I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything without it turning on the faucet, and I didn’t want to cry all over him. I wanted it to be a good day. “I’ll let you know if she responds,” he said, leaning down and kissing the top of my head. He straightened up, clapped his hands together, and rubbed them back and forth. “So, what should we do tonight?”
I knew I had a lot of things I had to do, things I had to figure out if I was going to actually make this whole living-on-my-own thing work. But first I needed coffee, and something sweet.
“Baby Cakes?”
He grinned. “You got it.”
We decided to walk there; I needed the fresh air. The afternoon sun was warm, shining down in our faces. “Hey, why didn’t you tell me Blake’s a girl?” I looked up at him, shielding the light from my eyes with my hand.
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