by Amy Gutman
forms had short sleeves. I can still picture that blouse we wore, 3
white cotton with orange piping. In a way, it was a blessing be-4
cause I had to control myself. Fresh cuts, especially if they were 5
deep, would have drawn attention. I really needed the job. I told 6
myself I couldn’t risk it.
7
“Then, two nights before Steven came in, I had a sort of re-8
lapse. I drank a bunch of vodka and made a new row of cuts. The 9
next day, I called in sick, but I was scared to do it again. I ban-10
daged up the worst of them and tried to keep my arms down. But 11
while I was taking Steven’s order, I could tell he saw the cuts. He 12
was telling me what he wanted to eat, but his eyes were on my 13
arms. He didn’t say anything that night, but he came back a week 14
later. This time, he asked me out for drinks.
15
“We went to the Wursthaus in Harvard Square and drank a lot 16
of beer. At first, I thought maybe he was a shrink and wanted to 17
give me advice. But he didn’t talk about the cuts at first, even 18
though he kept looking at them. Then after maybe an hour or so, 19
he reached out and touched them. He told me they were beauti-20
ful, like some kind of art. Even though I was pretty drunk, I knew 21
this was weird. At the same time, I immediately had this incred-22
ible sense of relief. Someone had embraced the part of me that I 23
was most ashamed of. It wasn’t really me that he was seeing, but 24
I didn’t know that then.”
25
“What do you mean it wasn’t you?”
26
Callie dropped her eyes. “It had to do with his mother. When 27
Steven was three years old, she tried to kill herself. He found her 28
naked on the bathroom floor, wrists slit, bleeding to death. You’d 29
never have guessed, but his mother — she used to look like the 30
victims. Slim, blonde, beautiful really. Just like the girls he 31
killed.”
32
“That part . . . I never heard about that.”
33
“Sometimes, I’d wake up and see Steven staring at my arms.
34
The scars on my arms, I mean. I think he used them to fuel his S 35
fantasies. I reminded him of his mother.”
R 36
2 9 3
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 294
A M Y G U T M A N
1
“You can’t know that for sure,” Rick said.
2
“I’m pretty sure,” said Callie.
3
She waited for Rick to contradict her, but he didn’t say any-4
thing.
5
“The cutting, how long did you do it?” Rick’s voice was gentle.
6
His voice told Callie that he didn’t care, didn’t mind that she’d 7
lied. With a sort of wonder, she realized that Rick still loved her.
8
And yet, this fact didn’t seem to matter. Her own heart was 9
frozen.
10
“For eight or nine years,” she said, answering his question. “It 11
started when I was in high school, went on until Anna was born.”
12
“Do you miss it?” he asked.
13
She gave an awkward shrug. “I miss the relief it used to bring, 14
but I know it wouldn’t work now. It’s like drinking or anything 15
else that you turn to for escape. You feel better temporarily, then 16
it just makes things worse. I miss what I thought it could do for 17
me, free me from my fears. But that was an illusion, anyway. So I 18
guess I don’t miss it, really.”
19
Rick wandered over to a window and stared out into the rain.
20
For some reason, the sight of his back made her feel infinitely 21
lonely.
22
“Why didn’t you tell me?” It was the question she’d waited for.
23
“I . . . I don’t know. It’s hard for me to trust people, to trust 24
men especially. But I trusted you a lot, more than anyone in a 25
long time. You had a secret too, you know. You should under-26
stand.”
27
“It’s different,” he said. “I lied to you. There wasn’t a clear way 28
out. But you . . . all you did was withhold something. It’s really 29
not the same.”
30
Callie thought a moment. “I guess I don’t see it that way. I was 31
talking to someone recently, this woman lawyer I know. She said 32
that there’s this securities law that requires you to give informa-33
tion, that just because you don’t lie straight out doesn’t mean 34
you’re okay. She has this idea that relationships should be held to 35 S
that same standard. A duty to disclose, she called it. I sort of agree 36 R
with that.”
2 9 4
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 295
T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y
“We’re people, Callie, human beings. All of us make mistakes.”
1
“And mistakes have consequences.”
2
Too late, she saw him wince.
3
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I didn’t mean . . . you 4
know.”
5
Another long silence, filled with the sound of rain.
6
“I still don’t understand,” Rick said finally, “why you didn’t tell 7
me. I know you, Callie. You’re an honest person. You wouldn’t 8
want to live like that. It’s one of the reasons I felt so bad after I’d 9
lied to you.”
10
Callie’s body stiffened. “You don’t know me so well. Don’t you 11
see that now?”
12
“But I think I do,” Rick said slowly. “Sometimes better than 13
you know yourself. And I know that this isn’t like you. It’s just 14
not something you’d do.”
15
A buzzing sensation in Callie’s body, a warning of danger 16
ahead. There was so much she hadn’t told him yet, but it was 17
time for Rick to go.
18
“It’s getting late,” she said, glancing toward the door.
19
But Rick stayed exactly where he was, a strange new look on 20
his face.
21
“Anna,” he said softly. “It’s Anna, isn’t it?”
22
Callie licked her lips. “I don’t know what you mean.”
23
But Rick’s eyes were wider now, as if he’d grasped a truth.
24
“Anna is Steven Gage’s daughter. You didn’t want to tell her.”
25
A cold wind was blowing through her. Her heart was an open 26
door.
27
This wasn’t, couldn’t be, happening.
28
How could he have known?
29
30
h
31
Rain was coming down in heavy sheets, obscuring the road 32
ahead. Mike Jamison was doing seventy-five on the dark, unfa-33
miliar highway. The sullen glow of his headlights faded into
the 34
night. Windshield wipers slapped back and forth, giving flashes of S 35
clarity.
R 36
2 9 5
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 296
A M Y G U T M A N
1
But he wasn’t thinking about the weather; his thoughts were 2
on Lester Crain. Lester Crain was in custody. He still couldn’t be-3
lieve it. Crain had been apprehended earlier that night after run-4
ning a red light. When he refused to pull over, a chase had 5
ensued, until, finally, he was cornered. He’d been driving a stolen 6
Toyota Camry and carrying false IDs. The driver claimed his 7
name was Peter Welch, but his fingerprints matched Crain’s.
8
Jamison swung into the police barracks parking lot, back 9
where he’d started the day. There was a handful of cars by the 10
building’s entrance. No TV trucks yet. The radio call must have 11
gone out as a traffic violation. The reporters would be pissed as 12
hell when they discovered what they’d missed.
13
He gave his name to a receptionist and was quickly ushered 14
back. In the observation room, he joined the onlookers gazing 15
through the one-way glass. He saw Lambert at the end of the line, 16
several guys he didn’t know. The rock-faced one in a dark suit he 17
took for FBI. There was one woman in the gathering, in a 18
pantsuit and horn-rimmed glasses. Her hair was cut in a short 19
blonde bob. She reminded him of Melanie.
20
Taking his place in the silent group, he saw Lester Crain.
21
There was something surreal about finding Crain here, in this 22
small-town state police barracks. For years he’d eluded capture by 23
the nation’s top law officers. And now, when they’d all but given 24
up, here he finally was.
25
Crain was slightly built with a concave chest and a ferretlike 26
face. There was nothing especially striking about him. Your basic 27
low-life punk. His green T-shirt was crumpled and stained. He 28
looked like he must smell.
29
Ed Farrell, the state police detective, was in the room with 30
Crain. He stood against a wall, gazing down at Crain, wearing a 31
sour expression.
32
“You’re not helping yourself, Lester. We already know you’re 33
lying.” Farrell’s voice echoed through the scratchy intercom.
34
“Not lyin’,” Crain mumbled. “You fuckin’ don’t know a thing.”
35 S
He slid farther down in the wooden chair and thrust out his lower 36 R
lip.
2 9 6
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 297
T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y
“Stupid-ass cops,” Crain muttered, to no one in particular.
1
Jamison felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey.” It was Lambert.
2
“Congratulations,” Jamison said, keeping his voice low.
3
“Thanks,” Lambert whispered back. “Pretty amazing, huh?”
4
“Damn right.” Jamison was watching Crain. “How’s it going 5
so far?”
6
“He threw us a hell of a twist right before you got here. He de-7
nies having anything to do with Posy Kisch’s death. But he ad-8
mits to killing Diane Massey and to kidnapping Anna Thayer.”
9
Impossible, Jamison thought. He doesn’t work like that. If 10
Crain had abducted Anna Thayer, she wouldn’t be alive.
11
“He’s lying,” Jamison said flatly. “We know that he killed 12
Kisch. The DNA, the signature — everything adds up. He didn’t 13
kill Massey, though, or kidnap the Thayer girl. For some reason, 14
he wants us to believe that he did. The question now is why?”
15
Inside the interrogation room, Farrell was talking again.
16
“Okay,” he said. “You killed Diane Massey. So tell me about 17
that, Lester. I want to know the details. Tell me how it went 18
down.”
19
Crain’s lips twitched up in a cold smile. “I hit her,” he said. “I 20
was pretty drunk. I don’t recall with what. Probably something I 21
found near there. I just don’t recall.”
22
“You don’t recall, ” Farrell said. “So why should I believe you?”
23
Crain ignored the question. “And I strangled her,” he said.
24
“You strangled her,” Farrell repeated. “I don’t suppose you rec-25
ollect what sort of tie you used?”
26
“It’s called a ligature,” said Crain.
27
“Okay. Ligature.”
28
Crain smiled to himself, as if remembering. “Black panty 29
hose,” he said.
30
On the other side of the one-way glass, Jamison shook his head.
31
“That was in the press,” he muttered. “Crain just picked it up.”
32
“You know the size?” Farrell was asking.
33
“Nah.”
34
“Brand name?”
S 35
“It wasn’t like I planned to wear them. I didn’t pay attention.”
R 36
2 9 7
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 298
A M Y G U T M A N
1
“Where’d you buy them?”
2
“Don’t recall. I’d had ’em a pretty long time.”
3
“Weeks? Months? Years?”
4
“Yeah.”
5
“Which one?”
6
“Don’t recall.”
7
From the other side of the one-way glass, Jamison shook his 8
head. “He hasn’t told us anything he couldn’t have read in the 9
papers. The stuff they held back — size, brand — he can’t answer 10
those questions.”
11
“Like he said, he might have forgotten,” said Lambert.
12
“Not him. Not those sorts of things.”
13
“But why would he lie?” Lambert asked. “Why confess to a 14
murder he didn’t commit?”
15
“He wishes he’d done it,” Jamison said. “That’s one explana-16
tion.”
17
From what happened next, it almost seemed as if Crain could 18
hear their conversation. Until this point, he’d stared at the floor 19
with occasional glances at Farrell. Now he turned toward the 20
mirrored glass, gazing straight at them.
21
“I cut up her arms,” he said.
22
Jamison stared at him, the blood humming in his veins. For the 23
first time, Crain had offered a detail that only the killer should 24
know. They’d withheld the part about Diane’s arms for precisely 25
this reason. To have a way of distinguishing between true and 26
false confessions.
27
“Cut up her arms, like, how?” asked Farrell.
28
“With a knife, I ripped them straight up the insides, starting by 29
the hands.”
30
Lambert was slowly shaking his head, a look of wonder on his 31
face. “Jesus Christ, Callie Thayer was right. It was fucking Lester 32
Crain.”
33
Jamison didn’t say anything. What was there to say? He’d been 34
so confident that he was right, so certain of his theories. And 35 S
now? Now, what did he think? Again, he heard Crain’s voice. “I 36 R
ripped them straight up the insides, starting by the hands.”
2 9 8
2nd PASS PAGES
13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 299
T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y
Could someone have leaked the information to Crain? Highly, 1
highly unlikely. But how else, unless he was the killer, could 2
Crain have known this fact? For the first time since his arrival in 3
Merritt, Jamison felt unsure. Had he let pride — arrogance —
4
blind him to the truth?
5
“What did you use to cut her?” That was Farrell again.
6
Crain grinned. He seemed in excellent spirits, sensing the stir 7
he’d caused. “You’re something else, you know that? Seems to 8
me I’ve given you enough to work with. I ain’t gonna say any 9
more.”
10
Farrell had taken a seat at the table. He was face-to-face with 11
Crain. “You give Diane any sort of warning? That you were gonna 12
kill her, I mean?”
13
“The note,” Jamison said softly. “That’s where he’s going now.”
14
Crain raised his hands. “You don’t understand English? I said I’m 15
done talkin’. You don’t believe I killed Massey? Fine. Let me go.”
16
“What about Anna Thayer? How come you didn’t kill her?
17
That’s not like you, Lester, not to murder and torture the girl.”
18
Crain’s eyes glistened, but he didn’t answer Farrell.
19
“Let’s talk about Kisch again. That college girl you killed.”
20
“I told you I’m done talkin’.”
21
Farrell stood up, stretched his arms, and yawned elaborately.
22
“That’s fine by me. I get overtime. I can stay here all night.”
23
Crain scowled and stared at the wall.
24
A minute or two, then Lambert said, “Looks like that’s all for 25
now.”
26
He turned to Jamison. “So what do you think?”
27