by Dune, Kyra
“How do you think this going to end?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. But it’s not going to end tonight. Let’s just be happy. Let the worrying wait for tomorrow.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
If only the night could have gone on forever. But eventually the party, like all things good and bad, had to come to an end.
“I guess we better get this cleaned up.” Curtis said.
“No way, birthday boy,” I said. “It’s your special day. You don’t have to clean.”
“Luka’s off the hook too,” Hannah chimed in. “Since he set all this up, he’s done his work for the day. You should walk him back to his room. Make sure he doesn’t get lost.” She winked at him.
Curtis’ face turned a truly spectacular shade of red. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone blush so much in one night.
“Sounds good to me.” Luka took Curtis’ hand. “If you feel up to the walk.”
Everyone has a special smile saved only for the person they love. That was the first time I saw Curtis’. I watched him and Luka walk out of the room hand in hand and all I could think about was Zack. It was such a perfect night, I didn’t want to end it without making up with him for the fight we’d had.
“Do you guys need my help?” I asked. “I’m kind of wiped and I do have to get up early to train.”
“Go to to bed.” Derek started gathering up the dishes. “We got this.”
“I, uh, I might go for a walk. Wind down a little. So if I’m not in the room when you get there, don’t send out a search party.” I laughed a little, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel guilty for the lie. It wasn’t like I could tell them I was going to see Zack. It was a lie meant to keep everybody happy. So that makes it a good lie. Right?
On my way to Zack’s room, this weird, nervous, little flutter started up in the pit of my stomach. I’d only actually been to his room once, and even then I waited in the hall while he ran in to get something. I knew it was crazy to feel nervous about actually going inside his room, but that didn’t stop the feeling.
“This is stupid,” I muttered, stopping in the middle of the hall. “He’s probably asleep.” Yeah, of course he was. It would be stupid to wake him up to apologize. It could wait until tomorrow
I turned around, took two steps, stopped. “I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t go talk to him. And he might even be awake.” It was slightly possible our argument was bothering him as much as it was me.
“Okay. I’m going.” I turned back around and continued on my way.
When I came around the corner of the hall where Zack’s room was, I stopped again. What if he wasn’t alone in there? It was a ridiculous thought. I had no reason to believe Zack was messing around with another girl behind my back. But once the thought was in my head it stuck like crazy glue. I couldn’t shake it loose.
If I knocked and another girl was in there with him, (Dee maybe, or even Megara, Hannah had said they were spending a lot of time together) I would die on the spot. My heart couldn’t possibly stand that kind of pain.
I backed up a step. Stopped. Balled my hands into fists. If he did have a girl in there, didn’t I want to know about it? Better that than being played for a fool.
I took a step forward. Stopped again. Or maybe being a fool was the better choice. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right?
“Good grief,” I muttered under my breath “Do it or don’t, but quit standing here acting like a human yo-yo.” I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and marched down the hall to his room.
At his door, I raised my fist to knock and just froze. A trickle of sweat slid down the back of my neck. I told myself I was being stupid. No other girl was in that room. It had taken Zack forever to move into a relationship with me, no way would he hop into bed with somebody he’d only known such a short time. Besides, he was in love with me. He hadn’t said as much, but sometimes you can know a thing without hearing the words.
I knocked and as the sound faded away I came this close to running. It was an actual, physical effort to keep my feet planted firmly in place.
A scuffling noise. A couple of thumps. Light shone through the crack under the door. And then Zack was in front of me, wearing nothing but a pair of black sleep pants, his hair ruffled every which way and his eyes all squinty. God, he was gorgeous.
“What?” he snapped.
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I have no idea what it is about a six pack that turns a girl’s brain to mush but that was exactly what was happening to me. My mind was a total blank. I could not for the life of me remember what I was doing there.
Zack braced one hand against the doorframe. “Did you want something? It’s kind of late.”
“Uh, yeah. Right. I... uh... that is...” I huffed a sigh. “Can I come in?”
The look I got in response made me think he was going to say no, but then he stepped back and motioned me inside.
Zack’s room was tiny. Like, seriously. His bed took up almost the entire space and it was not by any means a big bed. Of course it didn’t help that his floor was littered with clothes. It looked like a hamper had thrown up in there.
“You need a maid,” I said.
He sat down on the end of the bed. “Is that why you woke me up? To comment on my lack of cleaning skills?”
“No, Mister Crankypants.” With no other furniture in the room, I had no choice but to sit beside him on the bed. That little flutter in my gut kicked into overdrive. “You are so grumpy right now.”
“Yeah, well getting woke up in the middle of the night for no good reason will do that to a person. Do you have a point to make or what?”
I clasped my hands in my lap and focused on them to avoid being distracted by looking at Zack’s bare chest. “I came to apologize.”
“For what?”
“Our fight earlier. See, I just had a really good time with my friends and I thought the night wouldn’t end right until I came to say I was sorry. So here I am.”
“Are you crazy?” The sharp tone in his voice made me jump. “Do you have any idea what time it is? You woke me up because of some stupid fight? Do you even remember what it was about?”
Wow, overreact much? “N-no.” He was looking at me in this certain kind of way and before I knew it I could feel that I’m-going-to-cry pressure building up behind my eyes. “But I thought--”
“Who started it? Can you tell me that?”
Crying in front of him was not something I wanted to do, but he was being so mean. And I could feel that pressure pushing its way to the front of my eyes. “I--”
“Don’t know. Right? So what are you apologizing for?”
“Nothing.” I got up off the bed. Suddenly the room was so small it was claustrophobic and I had to get out. “Sorry I woke you.” I started toward the door.
“Wait.” He grabbed my wrist. “Don’t stomp off mad.”
I kept my back to him so he wouldn’t see the tear sliding down my cheek. “Let me go. I want to leave.” I meant for the words to come out firm and assertive. Instead they only sounded weak and hurt.
Zack stepped around in front of me and I turned my head so my hair would hide my face.
“Look, I’m... I didn’t mean to be a... a...”
“Jerk?” I supplied, since he couldn't seem to find the right word.
“Yeah, a jerk. I’ve got some stuff going on right now, but I shouldn’t take it out on you. I... I’m sorry.”
“What stuff?” I looked into his eyes. “You didn’t have any stuff earlier. Or did you?” I searched his face but of course that got me nowhere. Zack was not the kind of guy who was easy to read. “Are you hiding something from me?”
He let go of my wrist and moved away. “Let’s not talk about it, okay? It’s personal. It has nothing to do with you.”
He couldn’t have stunned me more if he’d slapped me. “Of course it has something do with me. Anything that has you so upset has something to with me. I’m you
r girlfriend.” I paused. “Aren’t I?”
Zack ran both hands back through his hair. Which did nothing to help his bed head in the least. “Girlfriend? We’ve never even been on a date. In what universe is what we’ve got going on here a normal relationship?”
“What is a normal relationship?” I countered. “You’re going to have to tell me because I’ve never been in lo--”
“Don’t say that.” Zack held up a hand as if he could physically stop my words. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re a kid.”
“Do not call me a kid.” Any trace of tears was burned out by a flash of anger. “And don’t try to tell me about what I feel. Not when I know you feel it too. I didn’t imagine that night by the stream. What have we been doing since then if not building a relationship?”
“I can’t help it if you follow me around like a puppy dog.”
It was right on my tongue to say something sharp. Something I would regret later. But I caught myself before the words could pass my lips. It would be too easy to have another pointless fight that ended with nothing resolved between us.
“Why are you so afraid of me?” I asked. “I get why you pushed me away in the beginning. You didn’t want to like me when you knew you were going to have to kill me. But what’s holding you back now?”
“This isn’t some game we’re playing here,” Zack said. “This is life and death. There’s no place for... whatever it is you think you want from me.”
I shook my head. “Don’t you think I know what kind of situation this is? I haven’t had my head buried in the sand all this time. I’ve seen things, done things, terrible things. I’ve killed people.” My voice cracked. “I know that means nothing to you, but it means something to me. You were raised for this life. I wasn’t. But I’m here and I’m trying, even though all I want is to curl up in bed and cover my head up until it’s all over. How can you stand there and tell me I don’t know this is a life and death situation? My own parents died for this. Died to keep me alive. Do you have any idea how many lives have been ruined because of me? It’s not worth it. I’m not worth it.” And here came the tears again. “They should have let me die.”
Zack wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head against his shoulder. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t stop myself. Crying is kind of a cleansing, you know? That’s why we do it. Sometimes you have to cry the pain away or else it’ll kill you.
I cried until I felt dry and hollow inside, then I pulled away from Zack. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I really didn’t come here to snot all over you.”
“Sit down.” He took my shoulders and gently guided me to the bed. Then he dug through the mess of his clothes and pulled out a reasonably clean t-shirt. “Here.” He held it out to me.
“I can’t blow my nose on your shirt,” I said. “That’s gross.”
He silently pointed to where my tears and snot glistened on his chest. Yeah, crying might make us feel better, but it sure is nasty. I could only imagine what my face looked like.
“Point taken.” I accepted the shirt.
“Stay. I’ll be back.”
I waited until he left before blowing my nose. I looked around for somewhere to put the shirt and settled on tossing it into the corner. I stared at the door and thought about leaving, Zack had most likely gone to the bathroom to clean up. It was down the hall, so I could be gone before he knew it.
But wouldn’t that be taking the coward’s way out? So I stayed. I needed to apologize, if nothing else. I’d come meaning to make things all right between us and instead I’d only made it worse.
Yeah, I know it wasn’t all me. Zack was being a jerk. But I should have expected his reaction. I should have just let it go and tomorrow we could have pretended it never happened like we always did. Coming to his room in the middle of the night was a mistake.
When he came back, he sat down on the bed beside me. I stared at my hands. How was I supposed to look at him when I’d made such a fool of myself? “I’m sorry I dumped all that on you. I mean, here you were trying to tell me how you had stuff going on and what did I do? I made this all about me. Again. Like I’m the only one around here whose life is messed up.”
“Why do you do that?” Zack’s voice was oddly soft and firm at the same time.
I raised my head. “Do what?”
“Take everything on yourself,” he said. “Hold yourself responsible for other people’s choices. It’s stupid.”
“But I am responsible. If I hadn’t been born, none of this would have happened.”
“Are you responsible for being born? Are you responsible for the choice your parents made? Are you responsible for the law that forced them to make that choice? You can’t do this. You’re going to kill yourself carrying all that weight around.”
I met his gaze. “How do I stop? How do I get rid of all this guilt?”
Zack brushed the hair back from my face, his thumb trailing across my cheek. He cupped the back of my neck with his hand. I knew he was going to kiss me, so I met him halfway. Obviously this wasn’t our first kiss, and yet it was like no other kiss we’d shared before.
It felt as of my whole body was buzzing. I was hyper aware of everything; the beating of my heart, the smell of soap on his skin, the way his hand slid around my waist, the heat building between us.
I leaned into the kiss, but I had no idea what to do with my hands. I knew Zack was more experienced than I was even though I’d never asked. His tongue brushed mine and I felt a touch of panic. Probably not the best time to start worrying about all the things I didn’t know, but the thoughts kept creeping in anyway.
I tensed up and I guess Zack must have felt that, because he pulled away from me. “We should stop.” His voice sounded as shaky as I felt.
And I knew he was right. This was a bad idea for so many reasons. Only right then my brain was taking a backseat to the emotions I was feeling. I was terrified, but in a crazy, exciting kind of way.
I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. Words didn’t seem to work with him, so I had to try something else. Maybe, if I couldn’t tell him how I felt and make him believe me, then I could show him. Not a good reason to keep things moving in the direction they were going. I know that. But sometimes you get caught up in a moment and good sense goes flying right out the window.
Unlike me, Zack had no trouble knowing what to do with his hands. We fell back together onto the bed and... Well, I don’t really need to say any more than that, do I?
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Have you ever woken up with the gut feeling something is wrong, but you have no idea what it is? At first I thought it was because Zack was gone. The bed was so narrow I didn’t even have to roll over to know he wasn’t there.
Even though I knew I should go back to my room before Derek really did send out a search party, I chose instead to snuggle down under the covers and wait for Zack to come back. I closed my eyes and felt myself starting to drift toward sleep, when the bed vibrated again. I say again, because now I’m pretty sure that was what actually woke me in the first place.
I sat up, clutching the sheets to my chest and staring around the room wide eyed. Should I stay where I was? Should I get up and look for Zack? Was it an earthquake? Did Oregon even have earthquakes?
The lights went out. I gasped, my heart leaping into my throat. And then the room exploded with sound.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where some dire emergency is happening and they start blaring those one particular kinds of sirens? A klaxon. I think that’s what they call it. I tell you right now, the movies don’t do it justice. That sound is loud and something about it drives your body into full on panic mode.
I leapt out of the bed, got my feet twisted in the blankets, tripped and hit the floor hard face first. The air went out of my lungs in a big whoosh. I curled my fingers and felt soft fabric. The floor shook and I realized I had no idea where the door was.
Dark red light filled the room. I pushe
d myself up to my knees and then leaned back on my heels to catch my breath. Slightly chill air touched my skin. I didn’t have any clothes on. Suddenly, I was very glad for my feet getting tangled up in the sheets.
Finding my jeans and shirt was easy enough. No way was I going to worry about underwear at a time like this. My sneakers were nowhere in sight. I dug through Zack’s mess for maybe two minutes, then gave it up. If I had to stay in that room one more second I was going to go completely insane.
I held on to the thought of Zack as I made my way to the bathroom, keeping one hand trailing against the wall even though I could see fine. Zack would take care of me. Zack would make everything all right. I could deal with this so long as I had Zack.
The bathroom door was open and the eerie light made the toilet and sink look as if they’d been dipped in blood. No Zack. Panic twisted my guts into little knots. I was all alone and that was more terrifying than anything else.
I ran. I don’t think I had any clear picture of where I was going, only that I needed to find someone. Anyone. The hall seemed to go on and on forever, never leading anywhere, turning and twisting like some sinister maze.
I would never stop running. The klaxon would never stop blaring. The air itself had turned red and was bleeding down the walls, hiding the guiding markers from my sight. My chest was on fire and a burning pain had started in my side. I was trapped in some nightmare with no end.
I careened around a corner and collided with a firm, yet soft shape. I think I screamed. I know I lashed out with my fists. Strong fingers closed around my wrists and a familiar face loomed in close to mine.