“Listen mom, I know you’re a little uncomfortable and you probably want to grill me right now, but I just need a little time to myself.”
I didn’t wait for an answer. I walked to my room, shut the door, and laid across my bed to go over the events of this weird ass day. I haven’t put a lot of stock into dating. I always thought of myself as being too young to get all serious with any girl. Don’t get me wrong, I do date. I am one hundred percent pure-blood-male.
What’s got my insides all tied up in knots is that, I’ve never felt for anyone the way my sister is describing the way I feel for Amber. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t given anyone a chance, or if it is as simple as, no one has sparked my interest until now. Poor mom, to have me agree without hesitating to Peanut’s untimely declaration of my feelings, has just thrown mom for a major loop. To be honest, I’m riding that loop of confusion right along with her.
*****
This weekend was torture. I tried so hard to consume myself with my everyday chores and my little sister. I had to quickly abandon the decision to spend quality time with Peanut. I was trying to get my mind off of Amber and hanging out with little sister is like spending your spare time at a shooting range. Her conversations has always been set on rapid fire and this weekend’s questions regarding Amber, were her ammunition. I’ll give you one guess, on who the target was. ME!
When Sunday finally arrived, Peanut sensed my frustration at all her questions plus, mom, was giving me “the look”; all of this, combined with my dwindling nerves did not help my situation. I know that they were curious and concerned, but I couldn’t handle all of the prying…not now. How can I explain what I’m feeling when I’m just as curious and concerned about my own feelings, as they are? So, I locked myself in my room once again to try and clear my head.
“Chase, can I please come in?” Peanuts voice whispered from the crack at the bottom of the door.
I lift my head to find my sisters little fingers poking through that space, where the bottom of the door doesn’t quite touch the carpeted floor. I smiled and remained silent, hoping that if I didn’t speak, she would think I was sleeping.
“Chase, please…please, let me in before momma finds me. She told me to leave you alone.” I remained quiet, while resting on my side watching her little fingers shoved under my door tugging at the carpeted floor.
“Francis! What the hell! Didn’t I tell you to leave him alone? Sometimes he doesn’t want to be bothered with you. Go to your room, NOW!”
I was up and the door was swung open before the thought to do so even registered. I was affronted with silent tears running down Peanut’s face.
“Come here.” I said as I opened my arms wide and bent to pick her up.
She flung herself into my awaiting arms. I lifted her as she wrapped her little legs around my waist and tucked her wet tear stained face in the crook of my neck. Automatically, I began that gentle rock that she’s accustomed too.
“She needs to go to her room!”
“She’s fine.”
“She’s not fine!” Mom shouted. “She needs to learn boundaries; you can’t rescue her all the time when I try to discipline her.”
Mom was pissed! She was so wrong, I would always be there for my sister. I would always rescue her from whomever and whatever that intends to threaten her…even from her own mother.
“I said she’s fine.”
I gave mom a look that said; just leave it alone already. I knew from the set of her shoulders and the look in her eyes that it wasn’t going to happen.
“I’m the fucking adult around here!” She exploded. Peanut clung to me; she pressed he face deeper into the crook of my neck.
“I make the rules around this BITCH! Me, not YOU! When I tell her to do something she’s going to fucking do as I say.”
“Sweetheart, go…go get in my bed.” I whispered in Peanut’s ear.
I gently set her on her feet. I squatted down to her level and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She flung her little arms around my neck.
“I’m sorry!” This was her pained apology whispered in my ear.
I gently pushed her back and cocked my head in the direction of my bed. As she turned to obey my silent command, I closed the door to shield her from what was about to become a heated discussion between mom and myself. The closing of the door was a false sense of protection, a false shield of protection, from the heated words that are soon to follow. Because of Peanut’s nature…her talents, you could not actually shield her from the negative; she will pick it up like a sponge soaking up water.
So, I imagine the shield was really for me. My nature is to protect her and as I said before in this matter at hand, it’s a false protection, but the protective alpha male that resides in me would not have it any other way. As I turned from closing my door I was immediately and uncomfortably nose to chest with my mother. I didn’t hear her move.
“Mom you need to…”
I didn’t get to finish that particular sentence. It happened so fast. I heard the crack of the slap across my face before it registered in my mind and my nerve endings, that she just hit me. As time slowed, as my brain receptors caught up with the stinging sensation on the right side of my face…SHE FUCKING HIT ME! I stood there in shock.
“NO…NO…NO…CHASE! Noooo, mommy! Don’t hit my brother!” (Pound, pound, pound, rattle, rattle, rattle, sobs, yelling, crying)
“Chase! Chase! I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to get you in trouble! Chase! Please, please let me out!” (Pound, pound, pound, rattle, rattle, rattle, sobs, yelling, crying) I slowly climbed out of my stupor.
“WHO THE FUCK, DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! I’M HER MOTHER…YOUR MOTHER; I MAKE THE RULES AROUND HERE, NOT YOU! Let go of the fucking door, so I can get MY DAUGHTER! She will be going to HER ROOM!”
I slowly looked down and realized that I had a death grip on my bedroom door. There was pounding and yelling coming from Peanut from the other side of my door. Mom has invaded my personal space and refuses to take a step back. My brain is slowly taking everything in, as if I’m a voyeur in this fucked up version of my life. When I look up from gazing at my bedroom door, mom and I were still nose to chest.
“I don’t like you NO MORE mommy! I don’t love you NO MORE! Don’t hit my brother NO MORE!”
I see the wince in moms’ eyes as Peanut’s words cut deep. I see the hurt of a mother who has lost control of her household. I see the realization in her face that she knows, she has lost the battle. I also notice the refusal written all over her face, to not go down without a fight. Her plans which are written across her face are telling me in a not to subtle way, that she will not be relenting tonight.
“I love you, but never…” I inhale to calm myself and only then do I continue in an icy tone. “Never, will you hit me again.” I take a couple deep breaths. “YOU, don’t have to keep reminding me whose daughter she is. I know, I was there! You fail to realize it’s not who conceives, it is the person who nurtures and loves, that’s the person who counts.”
I take a few more deep breaths and give her a look that leaves no room for discussion. Mom whips her hand back and unleash it, but before it lands on its target again, I intercepted and took hold of the offending object in my own hands.
“Mom, you don’t know how much I wish that, that little girl was my child. You can’t get mad now, and decide to wave your mommy flag because I have stepped up to the plate. You can’t get mad because she runs to me for comfort and love. You…you and dad both made your beds. NOW YOU HAVE TO LAY IN IT! You handed her over to me…TO ME!” I yelled and thumped my chest with my fist. This caused my mom wince. GOD, please help me explain this better. I don’t like hurting her. (Take a deep breath)
“You gave her to me, and then both of you turned your backs. I raised her, not you or dad. I feed her, changed her, bathed her, shopped for her, and loved her. Me, that’s who, not you! You, MOTHER, checked out a long time ago. You were soooo wrong, when you said I can’t always protect her. I
can…and I will. If you think for one minute that I’m letting you in this room to go after Peanut when you’re this mad, to prove some lame-ass point about you being her mother, you have another thing coming.”
Mom turned on her heels and walked away. I leaned back against the door. On the other side, I heard Peanut slide down the door and plunk her little bottom on the floor, mirroring my actions. What a nightmare! Mom has never raised her hand to hit me. But, I can’t dwell on that right now because at this moment I hear whimpering coming from two directions, one from the kitchen and the other from my room.
The only one that really matters to me at this moment is the whimpering coming from behind my bedroom door. I stand, open the door, and scoop my sister from the floor into the comforts of my arms. She clings to me with quivering limbs. I crave her happiness as much as a junkie craves his smack. How could I ever disappoint this child? How can I allow harm to come to her? How could I sit back and accept her unhappiness? I CAN’T!
I walk to my bed holding my one reason to breathe. As I sit on the bed with her in my lap, she rubs the side of my face that mom hit. I do something that I couldn’t do in the hall…I cry, for the first time in years. How is it that I worry so much for her, but she cares not of herself at this moment….she worries, for me? How long has it been since someone has treated and tended to me with tender hands? How long has it been since anyone has worried about the young man that’s buried inside a grown man’s body? How long has it been? Was I fourteen? Was I fifteen, when I was thrown into the role of being a man? GOD, how could I not love this child with every breath that you have blessed me with. She’s my heart.
I cry because I feel moms hurt. I cry, of a childhood lost. I cry because I would do it all over again, for this little girl who has turned all of our worlds upside down. This little girl, who is wrapped around me fiercely whispering in my ear to stop crying, and telling me how much she loves me. The determination combined with the pronouncement of love spoken in my ear from this little girl, make me cry harder. Suddenly, I feel another set of arms encircling me, encircling the both of us, Peanut and me. I hear another person crying….which causes me to cry much harder because I know who those sobs belong to. She has cried too much over the years and I never wanted to be the cause for her to shed tears of despair.
I hear mom whispering her apologies. She’s telling me that she is sorry, for not being there for me. She’s sorry, for not being there for Peanut. She’s sorry, for making me grow up too fast. She’s sorry, for burdening me with adult problems. Then she switches and starts telling me that things will change for the better, that our family will be a real family, and that she will never hit me again. That she loves me and Peanut with every fiber of her soul. That she will walk through hells fire for her children.
The flood gates have been released, my tears are on a continuous loop seeming to never end. I cried harder than I have cried in my entire life because I heard the determination and fierce love in my mother’s voice. I clung to the two women in my life, they are my lifeboat tonight.
They have taken up post on either side of me to anchor me, shielding me from the storm raging within. I fell asleep secure in this vessel of love. When I woke Monday morning, Peanut was on my left and mom was on my right. Both their arms were slung over my sides coddling…me. It felt good to be the person on the receiving end this time. I believe my mind, body and soul has gone so long without an overabundance of love and affection that I lay in bed for a few seconds, basking in their love.
This should have been a day where my mom would have to drag my ass out of bed. As soon as my alarm sounded, I disentangled all the limbs surrounding me and crept out the bed. I knew that the sooner I showered and dressed, the sooner I could get to school and see her. I bent over and kissed the two girls that were asleep in my bed and started getting myself together for school.
What a hell of a weekend.
Jealousy
Will my legacy be my jealousy when the topic is you?
Will my passion become my lasting impression, when my thoughts wonder to you?
Will I give a verbal slashing to anyone who interferes in what we have here?
The answer is YES, my dear! WOULDN’T YOU?
Feel my blood boil!
Hear my vocals soar!
Witness my eyes shine every time someone else thinks to look at you!
Maybe it’s ludicrous, but I’m new to this. Jealousy will be my legacy until I get a handle on you.
A simple smile will raise my dial!
A simple wink, I lose my ability to think!
This is not me; my ire has been raised to another degree. I feel as if a raging beast resides in the deeper parts of me. This has to end! Jealousy will not be my legacy because I wouldn’t want to lose you, my lover, my friend!
So, I will rein it in! I will tame the angry beast within! I will learn to subdue my jealousy even if it kills you….
I was wrong; I will never harm you, that’s my personal sad song. I believe it’s my beast speaking out of shear jealousy. I am determined to be tamed, if you promise to aim, all of your love and attention my way. So, that I can maintain my sanity and overcome my exuberant profanities, that I tend to unleash when any one woman looks at you, as if you were a free piece.
I must admit, I’ll try to submit my jealous rage in this stage of my life.
Jealousy will not be my legacy, when the topic is you! I can’t promise, but I will wholeheartedly try to subdue my fits of rage, for you!
Chapter 8
“Hey tramp! What have you been up to this entire weekend?”
“Emily, what do you want? I’m trying to get ready for school.” This was said with a little bit of growled frustration. I’m just not in the mood for Emily’s snooping today.
“Who’s the sour-puss today? What has crawled up your ass this morning? Ooh, let me guess… was that dip shit of a father being all strict and shit this weekend? Is that why I haven’t heard from you?”
Oh my GOD! Can I take a few days to myself without having to explain things? What does she want me to say, “Emily, this weekend I was not touched by unwanted hands!” or maybe, “Guess what? This past Friday I met the elusive Chase Mitchell and he held me while I bawled my eyes out.” What if I just tell her the truth, which is, that I have not stopped thinking about him for a single minute since Friday? Ooh, here is another one “Emily, I’m nervous as hell to go to school today because if I run into Chase, how do I explain the whole crying situation?”
“Helloooo, are you still there?”
There is no need to take my frustrations out on my girl. “I’m sorry for getting short with you. I’m fine and truth be told, the Dip Shit did not bother me this weekend. Girl, that’s a miracle in itself. What’s up? Did you need something or are you calling to be a pain in my ass early this morning?”
“Shut up! I need a favor, my car has to be dropped off at the shop this morning and I need a ride to school. Can you swing by and pick me up?”
“Sure, I’ll be there in forty-five minutes and you better be ready. I don’t want to be late for school.”
The rest of the morning went along without a hitch. We made it to school on time to meet up with Keisha as usual.
“What are you driving this skuzzy tramp around for?” Keisha asked with a smile on her face.
“Oh, shut up, hood trick. It’s none of your business why I’m being driven around.”
“Emily’s car is in the shop and she asked for a ride at the crack of dawn’s glorious ass!” I answered Keisha’s question. Keisha promptly gave Emily the bird.
“What did you do this weekend?” Keisha asked.
“Damn-it did you and Emily rehearse what you were going to ask me this morning? Hell, I was minding my own business.”
As the last word trickled out of my mouth I looked up to see my friend’s faces fixated in rapture, not staring at me, but beyond me. For no reason at all, my heart starts to pound.
“What are you two loons l
ooking at?” I asked in a hushed voice. I’m afraid I already know the answer to my own question.
“Turn around and behold the miracle of man!” Emily stated.
“No thanks! I’ve seen man before and believe me, most of the time they’re not a miracle at all!”
I was just about to walk off when my girls grasped my upper arm and hastily turned me. And, behold the miracle of man! I swallowed hard…a couple times, and quickly turned from no other than, Chase Mitchell. In that quick second of ogling him like a total idiot, I mentally cataloged the scene that was in front of me. Granted, I was only looking at the back of him because he was grabbing his books from his car, but that was enough to flood my entire body with anticipation, frustration, embarrassment and wanting.
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