“What?! So, you’re saying all the fellas will be there and Jazz? Everyone in Atlanta… I get to see Polar again!”
Polar…who the hell is Polar?
“Well, Jazz is technically a fella! She is missing an essential tool, but I’m guessing she straps that part of her invisible anatomy on.” Emily states.
“Emily!” Everyone says in shock at her comment.
“What? It’s the truth! I didn’t mean anything by that comment. I was just pointing out the obvious. And, what the hell is a Polar?” Emily looks offended at our combined reprimand as she asks her question.
Keisha’s silly smile matches mine. “Polar is no other than, Chase’s brother from another mother, mister white chocolate himself, my Polar Bear…Cam!” Now, that’s an intro.
Chase can’t seem to keep his laughter bottled up. I soon catch the laughing bug, as well. When did he graduate to her Polar Bear?
“What!? This shit is crazy!” Chase blurts out.
“How did he become your Polar? You haven’t seen that dude since that unspeakable night.” Emily looks royally confused. Hell, I feel her; I’m silently asking the same damn question.
Keisha turns and blinds Emily with her mega-watt smile. “For your information, I see and talk to Polar almost every single night – we skype! After the Christmas/New Year’s trip was nixed, we stayed in contact. He told me that they were all talking about visiting us this summer in, Atlanta. He didn’t mention anything about attending school there. This is going to be so COOL!”
“Hold up, wait a minute.” Emily raises her hands in the universal sign for, stop. “This will mean that, that freaky bastard will be living next door to me?” Her eyes get wide as the realization of this offer sets in. She starts to shake her head. “I don’t think I can live next door to a black reincarnate of Don Juan, mister lady love himself. That fucker pushes my buttons in the worst way. I don’t think I’ll be able to take his freak flag waving in the wind, so close to me.” Her voice has started to shrill from the irritation this news is causing her.
“Can you imagine all the half-witted trollops that will be coming in and out of that place, begging that sick fuck to tie them up? He’s a self-proclaimed DOMINATE! That bastard has a shit load of mental problems and you expect me to move next door to him?” She’s really worked up behind this.
“You can’t say no, Emily! You can’t let him make you give up such a great opportunity. You’re not going to find a better deal and I for one, will not be following you to live on campus when we can have our own place.” Keisha states.
Emily visibly shivers. “You’re just saying that because you want to live next door to your Polar.” She sneers that last words at Keisha.
“Hey! Don’t say it like that and please stop calling him Polar. That’s only for me. He’s my white teddy bear.” Her eyes go dreamy.
Damn, I’ve never and I stress never, seen her like this over anyone. Keisha is so afro power, from her hood gear, attitude and hairstyles. I would not have thought she would be into a guy outside of her race, a guy like Cam. A fleeting glimpse of him carrying her out of the hospital waiting room, him speaking comforting words in the midst of her grief. I can see why she would cling to him.
Chase’s phone ringing and his masculine chuckles behind me brings me back from the image of my best friend and her… guy?
“What’s up Polar Bear?” Chase taunts the caller as he answers the line.
“Chase!” Keisha screeches in our direction and tries to grab the phone from him. It’s futile, she has nothing on his height or reach.
“What do you mean no one calls you that except for your little twerp…I mean squirt?”
“Chase, give me the phone!” Keisha has been reduced to jumping up and down like a small child, throwing a tantrum. She tries to unsuccessfully grab the phone, yet again.
“Dude, you know I have to tell all the fellas this! You two have graduated to nicknames and skyping! Who would have known? Damn, it’s just my luck that we’re only here for two hours, to clean out our lockers. Do you know what I will be doing the rest of the day, brother?” Chase lets out a burst of laughter.
“No, I will not be going to fuck myself. Here’s a clue, I will be calling the crew to tell them what I have just learned. You’re royally fucked my friend.” He hangs up the phone smiling, showing off his pearly whites.
“Why would he call you squirt? It’s not like you’re petite or anything.” Emily’s looking at Keisha with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
If possible, Keisha’s face flushes with embarrassment. She has never been able to hide her emotions. A poker face, she does not have. Her embarrassment spurs Emily on. She’s like a dog with a bone. Emily turns and pins Keisha where she stands with a look that says, I know what you’re not saying.
“Skype…Squirt…you’ve been a naughty, naughty girl, Keisha! Haven’t you? Enquiring minds would like to know, what have you been doing on late nights? Dare I ask, is your Polar Bear white all over?”
I’m pretty slow on the uptake. By the vibrating chest leaning against my back, I know Chase has caught on sooner than me. I replay what Emily has said to Keisha…Um, WOW! Could she be doing the nasty on skype? I look at the death glares shooting from Keisha’s eyes – Yes, she’s doing the nasty.
Keisha’s phone has started to ring, but she has eyes for only one person and that’s Emily. Those eyes are fiercely pleading with Emily to not say another word. She should have known better, when has Emily ever listened to anyone’s pleas?
“So, my video vixen, is Polar white all over?”
“It’s none of your business, ASSHOLE!” Keisha grits out her response.
“Don’t get mad at me because you’re showing your Honey Pot on the World Wide Web. Squirt on sister! Squirt until your heart’s content, you dirty…dirty girl!” Emily laughs evilly.
Keisha shoulder checks Emily as she storms off. No doubt, to return the call which she ignored in front of us. I’m betting it was Cam calling her.
“Who would have known? Damn, I’m proud of my girl! She’s an undercover freak! By the way, she owes me twenty dollars. I knew she could not last long, she called me an asshole.”
“Emily, you don’t know that for sure.” I say, to try and help my girl in any way I can.
“Whatever!” Emily starts to laugh, hard. “Why else would our designated skyping porn star get so upset? Plus, she’s not doing anything I haven’t done before. But, it makes me wonder…with a nickname like squirt, does he call her that because he makes her squirt or does she make him?” She’s cackling like an evil villain.
“Um, that’s our cue to leave you nasty wench” I say, as Chase and I head for the school to clean out our lockers for the last time and turn in our school badges.
“Yeah, I’m nasty…never said or pretended otherwise. Like gravitates to like, remember that! I bet you have a lot of nasty in you as well. I wonder what secrets you’re hiding in your deep dark closet because you sure as shit aren’t as perfect as you portray yourself to be.” Emily yells at our retreating backs.
She has no idea! That’s the million dollar question. My closet holds a shit load of secrets that will brand me as a freak – not in a good way!
Chapter 31
The house is a flurry of activity. We have been packing and labeling boxes, preparing for the big move next week. It’s been pretty hectic and on top of all the moving preparations, we have graduation practice this evening.
Everyone keeps asking me the same question. Are you excited to be moving to Atlanta? Ummm, yeah! I still have not seen our new home yet. Chase wants to surprise his girls, as he calls us. He has divulged that the house has a total of four bedrooms. His mom has a master bedroom upstairs and we have a master suite downstairs. It will be as if we’re on our own, but not really. I understand his reluctance on the matter of leaving his mother and sister. Plus, I wouldn’t want him too. I’ve actually gotten pretty attached to his family. If I’m being honest, we belong together, we
’re family.
Although the basement will be designated as our space, everyone will be able to come downstairs at any given time. It’s a communal area. I don’t want it to feel as if we are excluding the family. I did have a few request though. My first request, was to revisit the whole locking of bedroom doors rule that his mother implemented. I need a lock on our bedroom door.
I was told that there is a spacious living room area, a kitchen and a full bathroom downstairs. It’ll be like our own apartment. There is also a separate entry door leading to the fenced back yard. We can choose to not enter through the main house if we want. Who wouldn’t be excited!
My second request, was that I wanted to decorate our space. The problem with this is that he also wants to decorate our new home. What better time than now, to start practicing how to compromise. It was decided that I was in charge of decorating the kitchen and bedroom. Chase got the living room and restroom.
Surprise, surprise, he wasted no time ordering a pool table and brown leather furniture. Typical man’s cave! After a few pointed comments from me he decided to throw in a few decorative throw pillows to soften the space. He went with red, black and cream pillows. Typical male! The same monotone style and color scheme graced our bathroom. What ever happened to thinking outside the box?
He informed me that our space was more of an open floor plan. Deciding that due to the kitchen being viewable from the living room, I could not allow the styles to clash. I decided to go with the whole Italian bistro themed kitchen. The rich red’s, creams and browns will tie the kitchen and living room space nicely.
I can’t stress enough how grateful I was when I was told to order whatever I wanted for the bedroom. I did exactly what I was informed to do. Because I have not seen the home, I had to confirm that the bedroom space was big enough to hold a king set. Owning a four poster bed has always been a fixation of mine. www.Furnitur-Savings.com has an exquisite bedroom set that called out to me at first sight.
The, Aico Monte Carlo II Silver Pearl King Canopy Bed, is the most beautiful bed I have ever seen. I had to have it. When I showed Chase, he said the bed was fit for a queen…his queen. We purchased the set and it is scheduled to be delivered the same day of our arrival. So, am I excited….HELL YES, I’M EXCITED!
Ring…Ring…Ring…
“Hello?”
“Hey honey!”
“Mom, are you home?”
“NO.”
“I thought you were supposed to be home by now?”
“My flight has been delayed for a bit.”
“But, you were supposed to bring my cap and gown for tonight.” I huff in frustration.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I spoke with Rosa and she put your cap and gown on the kitchen table. Look on the bright side, I’ll be there for graduation tomorrow!”
I’m a little miffed because I have to go by the house to pick up my stuff. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it actually is. First, I haven’t stepped foot in that house since the attack. Second, Chase would go bananas if he finds out I have to go by there. He specifically forbade me from ever going over there without him.
“Mom, I really don’t feel comfortable going to the house. Just thinking about it has my heart skipping.”
“Amber, you don’t necessarily need your gown tonight. I’ll just bring it to you tomorrow.”
“It’s called rehearsal for a reason, mom!” I say sarcastically.
“Well, I don’t understand what you want me to do at this point. It’s not like I can snap my finger and magically arrive home to deliver your stuff. Rosa has left for the day, otherwise I would have asked her to drop off the package.” My mother’s tone mirrors my frustration. “I would never intentionally put you in a situation to make you uncomfortable, but I only see two choices at this point. One, leave the package and I will deliver it to you tomorrow before graduation. Two, conquer your fears and go by the house to pick your things up.”
“You do realize that Rosa is the housekeeper and not our personal delivery service servant? Forget it, I’ll figure it out, okay? Just, be safe and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I love you Amber and I’m sorry about the cap and gown.”
“No problem, I love you too. Make sure you call when you make it in town. Be safe!” I yell the last words as I disconnect the call.
*****
As I pull into the driveway of my past, I try to envision my future in order to chase away my fears. Confronting this place again has caused me to feel nauseous. Thankfully the thoughts of Chase is keeping the nausea at bay. As I sit in my car a few minutes more, I start to wonder if this was smart. I literally snuck out of the house to come over here. I couldn’t fathom asking...better yet, telling him that I needed to come here on my own. For some reason unknown to me, I have the urge to face my demons alone.
Unlike my mother, he would have told me to leave the shit where it was. The fear coursing through me at this point makes me rethink this whole facing my fears thing. Before leaving the house I took one good look at myself and the sight reflected back at me was frightening. The thing is, I’ve had the pleasure of not seeing this girl for months now.
I would like to believe that I’m entering into a new era in my life. An independent woman I have become since leaving my parents’ home. The scared, traumatized little girl who was looking back at me through the mirror, she’s a contrast to the new woman I have become. The image of how far I have come and how far I can potentially fall once again, terrifies me.
Remembering laying in the hospital bed, I swore that I would never give her, that weaker being that was once me, the power to infiltrate my newly reformed state of mind. Since the night my body was beaten and my sex was stolen, I have tried with all of my might to not let the fright to overtake me again. Never Again! I have trained to strengthen my mind, body and soul. I refuse to let the simple act of picking up what is rightfully mine alter who I am in this present space and time.
Yeah, that was one hell of a pep talk. It got me out the door, in my car and now to this unholy house of horrors. My confidence has waned, I cannot find the nerve to step one foot out of the car. My courage has huddled into itself and I am once again transformed into the scared girl who was staring back at me. Who am I kidding? My courage is as fleeting as the day is long.
This whole ordeal has flustered me so bad, that when I reach to turn off my radio my hand quivers and I inadvertently turn the station. I’m unsure what station I have tuned into, what I do know is that this bluesy/spiritual song was meant for me to hear. Every cord stroked, every lyric crooned, it’s as if the artist captures my whole life into this one song.
Ed Sheeran. “Make it Rain” Make it Rain (from Sons of Anarchy). Columbia, December 2, 2014.
When the sins of my father
Weigh down in my soul
And the pain of my mother
Will not let me go
Well, I know there can come fire from the sky
To refine the purest of kings
And even though
I know this fire brings me pain
Even so
And just the same
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Oh, make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
And the seed needs the water
Before it grows out of the ground
But it just keeps on getting hotter
And the hunger more profound
Well, I know there can come tears from the eyes
But they may as well be in vain
Even though
I know these tears come with pain
Even so
And just the same
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain [x8]
And the seas are full of water
That stops by the shore
Just like the riches of grandeur
That never reach the poor
And let the clouds fill with thunderous applause
And let lightning be the veins
And fill the sky
With all that they can drop
When it's time
To make a change
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
I take a moment to reflect on the words of this song. What I take from it is, he’s asking for purification, for the sins of his father and from the long standing suffering that has caused him pain. The numerous tears being shed is like a cleansing rain, washing away all the suffering that has come thus far. That’s deep!
Spoiled Secrets Page 23