Boston covered his mouth as the information crashed over him. “Oh, wow. I mean, this is...”
“Are you rethinking the job offer? I can always call in Alton or Graham. We’re trying to keep it in the family, since we’ve had trouble with spies before.”
“No, no. I’ll take the job. It’s just more of a job than I realized. I thought I’d be shadowing Mason until Von comes back, but this is a whole big thing.”
“Indeed. And I expect you to treat it as such. My daughters are national treasures. Their safety is of the utmost concern to me. If you can handle the job, I want to give it to you.”
“I can handle it, no problem. I might need to watch Mason the first day, though.”
“You should have a few months still before Mason has to take his leave of absence. Ask questions. Do what you need to be able to take over when he goes. You won’t be doing any reaping, of course, but daily pulling will keep you plenty busy.”
“Has no one told Von the baby’s his? I can’t imagine he’d stay away if he knew.”
I finally opened my mouth, but immediately wished I hadn’t when my attitude flared, exposing my vulnerable underbelly. “Yes, it’s every girl’s dream. Your special guy who wouldn’t commit to you before, ditches you with no warning, no conversation, but comes back out of duty to your unborn baby. So romantic. If there isn’t a ballad written about it, there should be.”
“Ah. I see.” Boston looked out the window, though it was too dark to see anything outside just yet. “He should still know.”
“If he wanted anything to do with me, he would. I’m not purposefully not telling him. I called him that first day and asked him to come home. He didn’t, and he won’t, so there we go.”
Ezra reached over and held my hand, taking my flinch in stride. I let him hold my hand because he needed to, and because I was trying with everything in me not to let my issues play such a prominent role. The healing waters had done something; I could feel the desire to claw at my skin and wash my hands too many times diminished significantly after I came out of the waters. But just like the bat-shaped scar across my back, the waters could only do so much. Some wounds were too deep to heal without scarring.
Four.
No Space Between Us
Danny was so happy to have Boston in the mansion, he started smiling at least three times a day, which honestly looked like it might hurt his facial muscles that were so prone to grumpy old mannish scowling. Boston spent a good chunk of time firing questions at Mason and Danny. They were mostly concerning me and the details of the job.
I made myself scarce for that one, hiding in the bedroom so I could read my book. I wished I could see Finn, to lounge around with him and let him read the more complicated passages to me, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to him. Despite not being in love with him, I did possess a great deal of love for him. It just wasn’t enough, and certainly not the right kind of love needed to sustain things. Also, I knew I was pretty well beyond salvageable by this point. Finn deserved a woman who had a shot at a normal life. That ship had sailed for me long ago.
I read to the baby aloud in the bedroom I shared with Mason, praying the baby wouldn’t care that I read slow and choppy, stumbling over words and butchering pronunciations while I translated on the fly. Occasionally my hand would migrate down to rub my belly. In the quiet of the bedroom, I let myself feel a connection to the baby – however weak and unsteady that bond might be. It was something, and after months of trying to mute any and all emotions so I didn’t break down sobbing every day, the small something was actually a very big thing.
When Ollie came back from his uneventful jaunt with Lang and Kabayo to deliver a chunk of the remaining sagrado stone to Hayop, I could tell something was on his mind. He loosened the collar of his dress shirt and took his time removing his shoes. He sat on the edge of the bed next to where I sat propped against the headboard in a mass of pillows, steeling himself to say his piece. “October, I think it’s time you moved on. This, what you’re doing? It’s not healthy. It’s been months. If Von was coming back, he would’ve done it already. I don’t mind staying here, but it’s not our house. Maybe something familiar would help you feel better – a little more yourself.”
I rested my book on my chest. “Whatever you want is fine,” I sighed, not caring one way or the other. Either way, I’d still be up a creek. “Clear it with Ezra and the guys, and I’ll start packing.”
“That’s it? No fight? Now I really know something’s wrong. I want you to start up with your shrink again.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? Everything that’s wrong has the flavor of centaurs and monsters about it. I can’t actually talk about anything to outsiders.”
Ollie let out a dejected sigh that I’d raised a valid point. “Fair enough. I guess I didn’t think that one through. What about me? You’ve always been able to talk to me.”
I blinked at Ollie, wondering when it was that I stopped wanting to tell my big brother every little detail. “You’ve got enough on your plate. You just lost your mama.”
Ollie gave me a hard look. “So did you.”
I waited a few beats, but guessed it was time for therapy to be in session. “It’s kind of too sad, right? I mean, she was just starting to be a person. And she stole the stone to save me from having to go there. I don’t remember her doing anything for me that wasn’t selfish. Then she does, and she dies? She doesn’t even die as the person she was deep inside. She died all poisoned up by the stone.” I shook my head. “It’s too sad or something.”
Ollie nodded slowly, fiddling with a thread on his khakis. His hair was the same color as mine, only he’d recently washed his. I hadn’t showered in two days. Bathing was the one time I couldn’t hide my belly from myself, so I avoided it until the last moment. Given my usual proclivity for cleanliness, that was a sure sign that I wasn’t myself.
Ollie cleared his throat. “She definitely was the Bev you know toward the end. Slapped me across the face when I told her to let me take the stone so she could have a break. She told me I was always ruining things, taking her stuff away. Then a swarm of Manas attacked. We split up: me, Alton and Graham with the stone, and Bev and Kabayo heading in the opposite direction. We made it to the well and dropped the part of the stone in, but when we got back?” Ollie shook his head. “Last thing my mama ever said to me was that I always ruin things.” He postured and looked at me, his resolve plain on his face. “I won’t let that be true. You’re not ruined, but you’re acting like you are. It’s selfish, carrying on with this permanent sadness like you are. It’s time to get in the shower, get dressed in real clothes and face your life.”
My upper lip curled. “Are you friggin’ kidding me with this, Reese? Selfish? I’ve given everything up for everyone else’s plans. What about my plans? What about what I want? Now I’ve got a baby I didn’t even help make. You get that, right? This isn’t just a bump in the road, this is a twenty-year commitment, at minimum. Then you have the nerve to come into my room and call me selfish? Tell me, how long is acceptable to mourn the loss of the woman who hated me? How long is it okay to feel scared that I’m pregnant with no plan? How long can I be sad while I’m still working, still performing, still interacting? What’s acceptable to you, Sergeant?”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Chill out.”
“How did you mean it? Where do you get off, calling me selfish? Are you the king of dealing with things? I haven’t heard you talking to Gabby lately. Are you set on still keeping her on hold for all of eternity? How’s that working out for you?”
Ollie stood. “You’re in a mood. I shouldn’t’ve tried.”
“Wow, that was the quickest therapy session I’ve ever been to. Hope you don’t charge by the minute, Doctor.”
“For the record, you’re talking to me like this. I didn’t do anything to deserve this from you. It’s Von you’re mad at, not me.”
“Being mad at you works just fine.”
Ollie gave me a lo
ok that tugged at my conscience, reminding me that he’d just lost his mama, too. He was going through the crap of it, but was more worried about me. Or more likely, he was occupying his mind with my demons so he didn’t have to deal with his own. My mouth opened to apologize, to invite him back so he could pretend to fix me, but he was already out the door. If it would give him a reprieve from his pain, I’d play shrink with him. Though everything else felt upside down, Ollie was my constant, and I was treating him like he could be thrown away.
My heart sank, and just as my feet hit the carpet to go get him, he burst back in through the door, his scowl in place and temper flaring. “You don’t get to push me away,” he commanded. “Do that to everyone else, but I’ve earned the right to be intrusive.” He motioned to the air between us. “There doesn’t get to be space between us. We hold our chins up and lie to everyone else, but not each other.”
Our hug was a crash of emotions, making me feel the sting of life anew. “I know. I’m sorry, Ollie. I’m all turned around.”
He went from lion to puppy in my arms, melting into the hug he needed to get, every bit as much as he needed to give it. “Then we’ll fix it, okay? But we’ll fix it together. No more of this shutting the door on everyone. I know it sucks, but I’m right here.”
“Please don’t leave me,” I gusted out in a desperate prayer, clinging to my brother like he was my life raft. “Don’t give up on me. It’s just taking longer than usual to process.”
Ollie held me tight. “Oh, kid. You’re going to have to work a lot harder to get rid of me. I’m permanent. It’s you and me till the end, got it?”
I nodded, but couldn’t let him go just yet. I didn’t want to be so lost. Ollie grounded me to the earth, keeping me from drifting. After several months of drifting, I decided it was about time to stand up again. “What’s first on the agenda, Doc?” I asked in a playful tone. The levity sounded off on my lips, but I went with it, as it was a hair better than total despondency.
“I think we should go pick out a crib.”
My spirits deflated. “I don’t want to do baby stuff. I thought you meant normal fun stuff.”
“I’m the doctor, and I think it’s time you came to terms with the baby in your belly. We’re all excited about it, but we’re afraid to even smile at you. You wouldn’t believe the nutso stuff Mariang’s been planning for you and the baby.” He kissed the top of my head. “Hop in the shower, and I’ll make you some lunch. We don’t have to get a crib today, but it’s coming, kiddo. Deal with it.”
I held him tight when he tried to let go. Though I knew I was being childish, Ollie was the perfect person to let my guard down around. He melted, his whole body softening when I silently admitted that no matter how old I got, I still needed my big brother to put my puzzles back together when they got all wrecked.
Five.
History Repeating Itself
After about a week of getting out of the house and owning up to the fact that I was pregnant – which as it turns out, wasn’t the end of anyone’s world – I started to feel a little better. Add that to the fact that I now had two Pullers, my morning sickness seemed to have passed, and I was feeling a little more myself. Mariang talked me into a day of shopping for the baby after I categorically refused to have a baby shower.
“Who would even come? You’re my closest girlfriend. Probably my only girlfriend at this point. I haven’t seen the regular crew in months.”
Mariang frowned back at me from her place in the passenger’s seat. “You have a whole group of friends. Gabby and all of them? Don’t you think they’d like to get you presents? Celebrate the baby a bit?”
Ezra’s SUV was the only car that could carry all of us, but when the confession eked out of my mouth, I wished there was a bit more space. Like, a whole planet or something that kept the conversation concealed from the entire household. “I sort of haven’t told anyone yet.”
Mariang gaped at me, Danny shook his head, Mason frowned at me and Boston hissed his disapproval. Ezra spoke up from the backseat. “You’re running out of time, darling. We’re on our way to find out the sex of the baby. Don’t you think they’d like to know?”
“Oh, probably. But Von was sleeping with my friend Katrina, who doesn’t know we got together. She doesn’t take kindly to people playing with her old toys, even after she’s tired of them. Plus, I don’t really know how to explain my life to them. What?” I said of the accusatory looks. “Ollie said I could tell them when I was ready.”
“And when would that be? When the baby starts Kindergarten?” Mason took my phone out of my messenger bag and handed it to me. “Start dialing.”
“So I can get the pity looks from everyone? So they can know I’ve got no job, a baby and no father of the baby?”
Danny, of all people, took it upon himself to school me. “You have to start acknowledging this baby. Your mum treated you like she never wanted you, and now you’re about to go do the same thing? Be smarter than this.”
Ezra and I both glowered at Danny, who was unapologetic. “Be sensitive, Danny,” Ezra warned.
“What? Someone had to say it. Von’s a waste. Big deal. It’s nothing I didn’t tell you from the start. But I won’t sit back and have this one turn out with issues like yours. Not on my watch.”
Boston snarled at his brother. “Jeez, Danny. Ease up. You’ll stop running Von down in front of me. This is how you’ve been talking about him since you moved out here? It stops today. Sure, about the leaving October thing, Von’s a wanker. But everything else? Von doesn’t care how you talk about him, but I do. And running him down in front of the baby? That’s not happening anymore.” Boston laced his moderately stubby fingers through mine. No matter how many times he did that, it never got less confusing. Boston had been such a pervy tool before Bishop died. Now he was humble, somber. He was nice, if not a little spaced out. Invasion of the d-bag snatchers, for sure. His kindness was unnerving, though his loyalty to Von was good to see.
Danny grumbled, “What do you want me to do? It’s nothing you’re not all thinking, but you’re too chicken to say to her. You all treat her like she’s ill or something. I’ve got news for you, kid: Von’s not coming back. This torch you’re carrying for him? Get over it. Believe it or not, the world still spins without Von as the center.”
I didn’t mean to snap back, but it just sort of came out like a punch. “I haven’t dreamwalked in a week, you jag. I’m not naïve, and I’m not carrying a torch for him. I’m making peace with signing over my life to this baby. Forgive me for not being jolly about the whole thing just yet.”
With the absence of dreamwalking came the return of Philip, who was oddly protective of me and the baby. I guess that’s what my subconscious wanted – a great guy who loved me and the baby, no matter what. Philip brought me presents and held me while I cried out my fears. When he’d brought me a black leather container the size of a shoe box with a green weed inside of it for me to eat, I knew my imagination had gone weird. I’d choked it down to be polite, but after that I asked that he bring me flowers instead.
Maybe that’s high maintenance, but you know, he’s fake, so I figure I’m alright asking for what I want.
Danny’s voice lowered. “We don’t need you to be jolly. We just need history not to repeat itself.”
Mason put his arm around me, clutching me while Boston leaned forward and punched his brother in the arm. “She’s been doing better. Don’t push it, you lousy tosser.”
I hated that I needed to hear what Danny said. He was a jackweed, but he was right. This was exactly what happened to Bev. She fell for a man who left her a pregnant single mother. I wrecked my mama’s life, and I carried that weight around with me in an emotional knapsack to hit men with when they got too close.
I wouldn’t do that to my kid. My kid wouldn’t be better off without me, like how I’d been with Bev. My kid wouldn’t have to leave just to be safe. I would make sure the baby had everything he or she needed. “Maybe I should get a
crib?” I suggested, uncertain. “Babies need cribs, right?”
Mariang turned to me with an excited grin. “A crib is a great start. How about a bassinet too, so the baby can sleep next to you for the first few months, but still be in its own space?”
“Is that a thing? Don’t they just sleep in a crib once they come home from the hospital?” It began to dawn on me that a baby was coming, and I had no idea what to do with it.
Mariang was too excited at the prospect of shopping for baby stuff to care about the details. “Now I’m really excited. Once we find out the sex of the baby, we can pick out colors. Pink for a girl, blue for a boy. Or green. You like green, yeah? It would certainly match your bedroom. What do you think?”
I was reticent to voice any opinion, lest it be the wrong one and reveal that I had no idea what I was doing. “Um, that’s fine.”
Mason cuddled me into his nook, knowing me better than most. “You can pick whatever color you want.” He’d been extra gentle with me, growing sweeter the more pregnant I looked. Today I was wearing a form-fitting black stretchy dress shirt with maternity jeans. For some reason this made his hand migrate to my stomach whenever he got the chance, rubbing it like a crystal ball. The only time his hand left me was when Boston took a tentative turn. It was sweet, but a little claustrophobic at times. I was getting better at letting people touch me, though it felt more like baptism by fire at this point.
“I kind of like green and purple. Can the baby have that?”
Mariang nodded so enthusiastically, her eyes seemed to rattle around in her head. “Yes, of course! We’ll go shopping right after your appointment. It’s done. It’s decided.”
“That’s fine.” I squeezed Boston’s hand reassuringly as he let slip a labored sigh. He’d been subjected to no end of baby nonsense and hadn’t complained once. He seemed to like the baby itself, but none of the additional frills. We were actually on the same page about that.
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