None of my life was what I wanted anymore. I was living with strangers and a married couple. I was sure Danny and Mariang would rather be living somewhere fun, and not with a jilted pregnant woman.
I wore my pajamas like a uniform, since I couldn’t perform my soul-sucking job anymore, what with both my Reapers nowhere in sight. I hadn’t showered in three days, but this was only partly due to the depression I could feel seeping into my pores. The other part was because if a Duwende wasn’t touching me, I had not even a five-minute window before I went into labor. The contractions were no picnic, and took a long time to subside. My master plan to compensate for this was to simply stop showering. It was a solid plan. None of Von’s brothers had seen me naked so far, so you know, I was winning at least on that front. As fast as I could shower under the gun if I had to, being in my last month of pregnancy made everything take a little longer than it used to. I was scared to go into labor – but more scared of what might come out of me when the D-day finally came.
When I finished, I made to take my plate to the sink, but Graham swept it away and washed my plate. I liked Graham.
I sipped my tea made from the dried himila weed that Mariang and I shared to keep our babies healthy. Boston held tight to my hand to keep up a steady pull. I couldn’t even be proud of how far I’d come that I’d kicked so much of my OCD to be able to indulge in handholding. This, however, was no indulgence. It was necessary, so I decided it best to form no opinion at all on the claustrophobia I was engulfed in. I was grateful that the three guys didn’t need me to be social as they ate and discussed how weird it felt to drive on the wrong side of the road here.
Graham waited until I finished my tea and then carefully helped me up out of my chair. “It’s a lovely day for a walk, yeah?”
Graham motioned to my big picture window, and sure enough, there were birds who were looking at me like, “What the crap does she look like garbage for?” I didn’t have an answer.
I shrugged noncommittally. “You should go enjoy yourself. No reason you should be chained to me. I can sit with Boston and Alton till you get back.”
Boston spoke with a mouthful of food. “Ee means oo should get ow of the house.”
Graham nodded. “Indeed. Couldn’t have said it better than if he’d been raised with actual manners.”
Boston pumped his fist in the air that he didn’t need such boring things as manners to communicate effectively. “Go on, ’Tober.”
“A walk? I dunno. I was thinking of going back to bed.”
Graham let out a quiet sigh, Alton shot Boston a look, and Boston spoke for those too polite to do so after he swallowed. “It’s ten-thirty in the morning! You can’t live in your bed, October. You have to get out and move around. Von will come back when he’s ready. He always does.”
“I don’t care about that,” I snapped. “Von’s doing what he wants, which is fine by me. I’m tired because I’m pregnant. That’s normal.”
“Is not showering normal, too?”
“It is when I can’t be alone long enough to take one without going into labor. Do you want to help me in the shower, Bos?”
Boston geared up to say something pervy, judging by the crook in his eyebrow and the smarmy smirk he conjured out of thin air. Alton stood, saving his brother a black eye, adjusting the gold-rimmed circular frames on his nose as he spoke. “You’ve got three weeks left, yeah? I can’t imagine you’ll be comfortable not showering for that long.”
Graham held his elbow out to me to walk me to the bathroom. “I can fix that. If you’re worried about something, you’re supposed to tell us. We can help.” He opened the bathroom door with a practiced smile of calm he tried to bestow upon me. Graham had chocolate-hued hair that was cut short to his head, showing off his kind blue eyes and nonthreatening smile that never seemed to have any agenda. He was taller than Boston, but not as bulky, reminding me of a professor who worked out just enough to have biceps that were useful in a bar fight, but not quite so intimidating as Danny. He had a freckle next to his left eye that somehow made his smiles that much more sweet, with no note of Boston’s locker room humor. Boston could make anything dirty, but Graham was calmer, older. He was twenty-seven, and treated me like I was eight.
Graham led me into the bathroom and leaned against the sink. “I’ll wait right here. Every few minutes, just reach your arm out, and I’ll pull from you while you’re behind the curtain. No problem at all.”
My spirits lifted slightly at the idea that I might not have to spend the next three weeks without a shower. “Really? You’re sure you’re okay with that?”
He shrugged, my hand pinned between his elbow and his ribs. “Why wouldn’t I be? Ezra brought us here to keep you safe and see to whatever you needed. You underestimate your beauty to think any of us would think it an inconvenience to wait here while you’re in the bath.”
The first smile I’d found in days teased my lips as I batted at his charming sweetness. “Oh, hush. Seriously, though. I know this is weird, and I really appreciate you being so cool about it all. I mean, you guys left your jobs and your homes for this.”
“For the most prestigious and well-paying job a Duwende could ask for, you forget. It surprises me how little you know about our culture, that you constantly think you’re inconveniencing us. We never get to see Danny and Vo—” Graham stopped himself short of finishing the name of the brother they were careful not to mention too often around me. He cleared his throat. “After Bishop dying, it’s a good thing for us to be able to be together as a family. Though Mum’s in a state with all of us over here. I half expect her to show up any day, demanding to join the party.”
My anxiety climbed at Von’s mama showing up at random. “She wouldn’t come unannounced, would she?”
Graham smiled at my nerves. “Let’s go get you some fresh clothes, yeah?”
I was getting better at holding hands, thanks to no one in my life giving the remnants of my OCD any kind of space. Graham linked his fingers through mine and walked with me to my bedroom, letting me fish out my first outfit in days that was not pajamas. The fitted cotton light green shirt and maternity jeans felt like the first step to putting my depression on a shelf.
My movements were jerky and swift in the shower. Each time I had to reach out and touch Graham’s hand, I wished showering didn’t have to be done so very nakedly. We both survived the awkwardness, due in large part to Graham’s kind and gentle demeanor. He was meek, but unafraid of taking charge when I needed someone else to take the lead. His temperament reminded me a little of Allie’s, which was most likely why I didn’t mind him taking up space in my home.
Alton knocked on the door after I finished dressing. He handed my phone to me as I emerged from the bathroom with Graham’s fingers twined through mine. “Phone for you.”
I pursed my lips, wishing Alton hadn’t answered my phone while I was in the bathroom. “Thanks.” I put the device to my ear tentatively. “Hello?”
Judge’s voice came over icy and laced with an edge. “Is that the clown who got you in trouble?”
“Who, Alton? No. Alton’s his brother. And I’m not in trouble. I’m pregnant. Big difference.” I desperately wanted privacy, so I could talk Judge down without an audience, but knew I’d get none. Judge had been my world once upon a time when I was a little girl. Now that I was all grown up, I could see clearly the distance that had been birthed and grown between my unofficial big brother and me over the years. “What can I do for you?”
The doorbell rang, which brought Danny out of the bedroom he’d been “resting” in with Mariang. Boston moved to answer the door, revealing none other than Judge on my front doorstep. He spoke both to my face and into the phone at the same time. “You can tell me what happened to your life!” He pocketed his phone and jerked his thumb at Boston. “Is this him?”
“No. That’s a friend.” I wanted to be mad that Judge showed up unannounced at my house. I knew I should read him the riot act for butting in and trying to
oversee my life too many years too late. I should be so many shades of pissed at him, but all I could feel was relief. Judge was part of my normal life, while everything else felt too fantastical. I missed normal with all my heart. When I opened my mouth to yell at him, all that came out was an unsteady inhale that revealed a quivering lip I couldn’t control.
Judge made a beeline for me without so much as blinking, ignoring the posturing of the Vandershot brothers, who weren’t keen on strangers in the house. “I’m here, and I’ll take care of it, baby girl.” He pointed to Graham with a scowl. “You don’t hold her hand. I don’t know you.”
Graham released my hand with a look of warning to make this quick. I wasn’t sure the storm inside of me could be rushed or contained. I fought back tears in Judge’s strong arms as they coiled around me. When I was little and not so inhibited, I remember seeing him down the street and running to him, not caring about the passing cars as I flew to his embrace, jumping up into his arms with laughter and abandon. Life had been so simple back then. Though I wanted to push him away now, the lost part of me anchored myself to the spot where he stood. After a steadying, indulgent breath, I withdrew from his arms, standing next to Graham as serenely as I could manage.
“Where’s the father?” Judge asked with a tensed jaw. “You quit your job at the prison, so how are you making money? How are you supporting yourself and the baby?”
I tried to compose myself, and smiled sweetly up at him. “I thought I’d get a job working for you. You got room on the payroll for another dealer?”
Judge scowled at my poignant jab that beamed like innocence wafting off my face. “Which one of these guys is the father?”
“Oh, none of them. The father is great. You’d love him. He wants to open a topless bar, and call me a romantic, but I’m all about supporting my man and his dreams. I’ll be his first investor.”
“Knock it off, October.”
“We’re pretty serious. I mean, he even asked me to cosign on a loan for him. I was thinking of hopping on the back of his motorcycle and heading off to his mama’s place. That’s where he lives, of course. There’s something poetic about a guy in his late forties who still lives with his mama.”
I could practically see the steam billowing out of Judge’s ears. “I said that’s enough.”
“You’ll watch how you talk to my sister,” Danny postured, taking a step toward me to stand on my other side. His hand rested on the small of my back – a thing Judge did not miss.
Judge’s nostrils flared. “She was my sister long before any of you moved in here and messed up her life. She was doing fine before she got involved in whatever you’ve all got going on.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I’ve been watching the house for a while now. Tell me what suicidal future eunuch knocked you up. If it’s not one of these jokers, then who?”
“You haven’t met Bubba yet?” I blinked up at him, pushing all of his buttons. “I’m thinking of taking out a mortgage on the house to help out with his new business. It’ll be my money and his know-how, but what’s money when we’re in love? Bubba said I’d be a terrific dancer. So you don’t have to worry about me making money. I’ve got it covered.” I looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Or uncovered, now that I think about it.”
“I don’t have the patience for your humor today. Where’s Ollie? He would never stand for this.” Judge looked around at the unfamiliar faces with an impenetrable glare.
“He’s out of town.” That part was true. Ollie was still in Sakuna with Prince Langgam, helping him get the country back on its feet.
“Let’s go. You’re coming home with me. Ollie can come pick you up when he gets back.”
Danny, Graham, Boston and Alton postured. “October has to stay here until the baby comes,” Danny ruled.
Unbidden emotion swelled up inside my chest, easing my temper. I’d wanted to be welcomed into Judge’s home for years, but not like this. I wanted to pal around with him, like the old days. I gazed up at him, wishing so many things hadn’t gone so very wrong. Confusion and hope that felt like hurt formed a knot in my throat, making my voice squeak. “You want me to come to your house?”
“Absolutely not. Who even is this guy?” Danny was livid that a stranger came in that he didn’t give the all-clear on. He kept giving Ollie’s door furtive glances, and I knew he was trying to lock Mariang in the bedroom with his mind.
Judge kept a stern face, but his midnight eyes gave away how much he regretted sending me, Ollie and Allie away all those years ago, telling us never to come back. “Of course I’d let you stay at my place. I’d do anything to keep you safe.”
I took a tentative step closer, searching for answers. “Your home is a safe place?” I knew the answer to that, but wished for a beautiful lie that would save the day. Oh, how I longed for Judge to be my safe place.
Judge hesitated, unable to fib to cover the hard truths of his life. “I have security.”
“So do I.” I motioned around the living room to the guys. “They’re watching the house for me while I’m pregnant.”
Judge rubbed his forehead in frustration. It was a rare thing to see him so without a plan. He valued control and power, but he’d walked straight into my home, knowing he’d have none. In that simple gesture, I knew that Judge loved me. “Jeez, baby girl. What kind of danger are you in?”
“No danger,” I lied. “My new stepfather’s the overprotective type. So’s the father of the baby. He’s out right now, but these are his brothers, so you don’t have to worry.”
Judge sneered at the guys, whose fingers were all itching to grab at their knives. They had knives, but Judge had a gun. “No. Just... no. You’re coming home with me right now. I don’t like the idea of you living with a bunch of men I haven’t vetted. This isn’t safe.” He leveled his finger in Danny’s direction. “Get your hand off of her. You’re too close to my sister.”
Of course Danny didn’t obey, nor did he bother with a retort.
“I wish I could come with you, Judge. Believe me, some days I want nothing more than to run straight to you,” I admitted, letting the barbed wire I kept around my heart fall into disrepair. “But you handle your problems, and I’ll handle mine.”
“I can help you.”
Danny was in no mood. “She’s got all the help she needs.”
“Are you still touching her?” Judge barked with too much aggression in his bite.
I shook my head, talking over Danny’s acerbic reply. “You can stay with me around the clock? I’m on bedrest, Judge. These guys are helping me until the baby comes.”
“Is this you laying down in your invisible bed?” His black eyebrows furrowed. “Get in your bed right now, if that’s where you’re supposed to be!” He snapped his fingers at the guys, livid. “You’re supposed to be watching her? Make sure she follows the doctor’s orders, understand? What’s wrong with the baby, October? Do you want me to hire a nurse to watch you?”
Danny stiffened, his snarl pronounced at someone telling him how to do his job, but he said nothing.
I tried to keep my chin up to appear convincing. “The baby’s alright. You don’t have to worry about me.”
Judge drew me in for another hug, knowing we both needed the comfort. Also, I think he wanted to tug me away from Danny. “That’s the thing about us. I never stopped worrying about you, just like you never stopped caring about me, hoping I’d do the right thing and turn my life around.” He cleared his throat. “Don’t make me tell you twice to get in that bed right now.”
I nodded into Judge’s crisp white shirt. The pressed material contrasted with his dark skin, and as much as I knew he didn’t like his shirts to wrinkle, I couldn’t let go. When I didn’t end the hug with a brisk brush-off, Judge felt my vulnerability. He cupped the back of my head to steady me against his shoulder, giving me a portion of his strength that I was too prideful to ask for. It was nearly half a minute before I pulled out of the embrace I tried not to need. Judge was the home I’d been kicked
out of, but never stopped wanting to return to. I didn’t expect him to follow me into my bedroom, but there we were, with Graham holding tight to my elbow, and Danny in the doorway, watching like a hawk.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” Judge asked as he took my trembling hand and helped me into my bed.
“Guys, this is my oldest friend, Judge.”
“Do any of your new friends have names?”
“No,” I warned before Graham could open his mouth to introduce himself. “None of them have names. Thank you for your concern, but I’m handling my situation, and myself. I don’t need help.”
Judge pulled the covers up around my belly, tilting his head down at me curiously. We no doubt were having the same flashback of him tucking me into Mama McCray’s bed. Every now and then, Ollie, Allie and I decided to stay late at the McCray house when Bev was too drunkenly violent to go home to. Judge would tuck me into his mama’s bed and make up bedtime stories about a princess who slayed dragons. Judge always gave me beautiful dreams. The princess had a protector who kept watch in the background, ready to intervene when the inferno grew too dangerous to handle on her own. “You’re not so little anymore,” Judge mused. “Don’t be stubborn, October. Come stay with me if anything comes up. I mean it. Call me, and I’ll come get you.”
I nodded, and then bunched my hand in the front of his shirt, pulling him down so I could wrap my arms around his neck. I clung to him, despite my usual proclivity for space. It was a true testament to how much I’d grown, and how scared I was that I reached for Judge to anchor myself to the universe. “I know you would. Thank you. I really am fine, though. Honest.” Then I turned my cheek to whisper in his ear. “Remember when you sent us away? Well, now I have to do the same thing to you. My world is getting... I don’t want you involved in what I’m buried in.”
Judge squeezed me, holding me tight to his chest for a few beats while we both relished how rare a thing it was for us to both leave ourselves unguarded enough to be human and scared. Judge kissed my forehead and laid me back down, his eyebrow creased with worry. “I don’t like this. I worried enough with you working at the prison, pretending danger was no big deal. That you’re scared now? Promise me that you’ll call when you need to get out of whatever it is you’re trapped in.”
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