by Sara Daniell
"Who told you?" she asked.
"Jude."
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. The waitress brought us our food. No-one seemed to have an appetite anymore.
HAVOCK
My heart didn't break when things went wrong. So why the hell did it feel like it was? Seeing her sitting in the cold outside as she thought about her shitty life, my heart hurt for her. It was weird. No-one bothered her. They all went to bed. Even Garrett.
She wanted to be alone. That was more than obvious. But I wasn't okay with it. I'd be damned if I let her hurt alone.
I laughed at myself. This wasn't me at all. I wasn't sure exactly what I'd do once I was out there, but I needed to be with her regardless. I grabbed an extra hoodie and blanket then went out.
I handed her the hoodie. "Sitting in below freezing weather with that sexy as hell dress on is crazy, Princess." She put on the hoodie but remained silent.
I sat down next to her and wrapped us both in the blanket. I sat closer than I probably should have, but considering I held her until she fell asleep the other night, this was probably okay. Maybe.
"I can't stay with your family anymore," she whispered.
“Why?”
"It's not safe."
"Mom won't let you leave." I wouldn't let her leave.
A tear fell down her cheek. "Why are you so mean to your family?"
"If you haven't noticed, I don't fit in."
"You try not to fit in," she stated. "No matter where you go or do, Havock, you'll only have one family. Once they're gone you'll regret everything." She looked at her hands. "Trust me."
"You're probably right." I pulled a cigarette from my pocket and lit it. "I just don't care."
She sighed and rubbed her arms. She looked at the stars. "My dad’s dead. I've lost everyone. I can't let anything happen to you or your family," she whispered.
I slipped my free hand around her waist as I smoked. "What's going on with you and my brother?"
"He asked me to date him," she answered honestly. She put her head in her hands.
"And?"
"And I said I'd tell him after the trip. I like your brother but..." She stopped and shrugged. "Why are we even having this conversation?”
"Because I saw where his hand was at dinner. I didn't like it."
She didn't comment. "I'm a crazy broken princess." She scoffed. "Nobody deserves that."
I finished my cigarette and threw it out in the snow. "My crazy broken princess." I looked at her. "You're right. No-one deserves you. You're too good of a person for the sad excuse we call people."
"No I'm not," she denied as tears fell. "And why are you talking like this? You don't even like me half the time."
"Is that what you honestly think?"
"I don't know. My experience with people sucks. I know you like making me uncomfortable and blush. I don't know," she said, her eyes locked on mine.
"Because you're so cute when you blush."
She stared in my eyes like she wanted me to kiss her. Or maybe that was just my wishful thinking. I touched my lips to hers and only parted them enough to make us both want more. "Not yet," I whispered.
"Not yet what?" She asked, her voice shook a little. She looked so confused. She pulled back from me and scrunched her eyebrows together. "Why do you make my heart do that? I need someone stable," she said as she shook her head.
"Why do you make my heart do what it does? It's annoying as hell." I smiled a little. "And not yet as in I won't kiss you or invest any more emotions in you unless I know you want me and only me." I wanted her to look at me like I had something other guys didn’t.
She looked at me. "I understand that. But you need to understand something about me. I'm not stable at all."
"And I am?" I laughed.
She closed her eyes. "I'm on watch just in case there are any signs I might commit suicide. I've tried three times." She looked away and refused to look at me.
"Damn, really?" I didn't like that she had hurt so bad that she'd consider taking her own life.
She nodded and wiped the tears that fell.
"I'd miss you. So don't try again, alright Princess?"
She nodded and looked at her hands.
"It's why your mom was worried you'd given me drugs." She shrugged. "Pills were how I tried the first two times."
"That's a good reason, and now I get why my joking about the pills that day upset you so bad. Sorry about that."
"You didn't know."
"So, after this trip, will your heart belong too my brother?" I hoped not even though he would be the better choice.
"No. As much as I like him, I can’t be with him. I thought maybe I could, but I can't. I’m not what he deserves."
I tried not to smile. "What are you gonna tell him?"
"The truth." She stood up. "I should go talk to him."
I stared at her legs and even sneaked a peek up her dress. Just when I thought she didn't notice, the porch light showed off her red cheeks.
"You sure that's a good idea? He's sleeping."
"Yes. I want him as a friend, but I think he's going to be angry. I want to get it over with." She looked at me. "Night, Havock."
She started to go in but stopped and took off my hoodie. It caused the dress to be raised a little higher.
"Thank you." She tossed it to me then disappeared inside.
I got up and went to my room. I stripped down to just pajama pants and put my earbuds in. I found Imagine Dragons on my phone and started writing words on a blank page.
The words felt like they were pouring from my soul. My deepest desires, thoughts, her...filled the page.
~~~
I looked at the time and couldn't believe an hour had passed. I knew I should get some sleep. We would be boarding a plane to head back home early, and I wanted to stay awake for the flight. I loved to fly. Just as I was about to close my notebook, my door opened.
"I was expecting you." I smiled. I had won.
Garrett shut the door.
He didn't yell or come after me like I thought he would. He sat down on the edge of the bed.
"If you hurt her I swear on my life I will kill you."
"I'm sure a lot of people would add me to their hit list."
He looked at me seriously. "And I'm still her friend. I get to hang out with her without you getting all pissed off."
"Now you're pushing it."
He laughed. "I'm serious, Havock. I care about her, and I can't lose her as a friend because my brother is an ass."
"Okay. Now apologize for touching her thigh."
"You're kidding, right?"
I shook my head.
"Now you're pushing it," he said with a smile.
I looked around at all of my clothes scattered. "I need to pack."
"Need some help?"
I did if I wanted to get to sleep at a decent time. But I didn't like people helping me. I know, I had issues. "Nah, I got it. Thanks, though."
He nodded then left the room.
REESE
I woke up at two and couldn't go back to sleep so I drew. I had already packed so I didn't have to do that. I looked down at the picture I'd been working on for hours and smiled. It was Havock. He was always what I drew when I let my mind have free reign. I had to really focus not to draw him.
My mind wandered to the nightmares I'd had. The shadowed man I had seen clear as day yesterday had been in them. I groaned. "I'm going crazy if my nightmares are becoming reality."
I put the art book and art supplies in my carry on backpack and went into the kitchen. I put on some coffee for Mrs. Johanna and Mr. Rick. I then sat down with my cereal. I'd just started to eat when Garrett came in. "Hey," I said as I gave him a hesitant smile. Please don't be mad at me. Please don't hate me, I begged in my mind as I waited for him to say something.
He smiled. "Hey."
"You want some cereal?" I asked as I stood up to get him a bowl down. I stopped as I got dizzy. I closed my eyes and leaned aga
inst the counter.
"I did but now I don't. Let's go check your sugar. You just got really pale." He helped me to my room and stuck my finger.
"It's a little low. Do you need to just eat or take a shot?"
I looked at the number. “Eat," I said as I got up and grabbed some peanut butter crackers from my carry on bag.
"I hate diabetes,” I mumbled as I ate a cracker and walked back into kitchen. Garrett helped me because I was still feeling dizzy. He sat down across from me with his own bowl of cereal. Mrs. Johanna and Mr. Rick walked in and immediately flocked to the coffee maker.
“Morning kids,” Johanna said sleepily.
"Morning." I finished my cereal then put it in the sink. I looked towards Havock's room without anyone noticing. I wanted to see him. I was such an idiot.
Garrett noticed and laughed. He nudged me and pointed outside where Havock was smoking a cigarette and talking on his cell phone. I blushed and cleaned my dish. I grabbed Garrett's and shoved him when he kept laughing. I cleaned his, dried both, and put them up.
Havock came in and stomped the snow off his shoes on the rug. He ran his hands through his hair to get the snow out then looked at me.
I cleared my throat and blushed some more. "I'm going to go get my bags," I mumbled then walked into the room. I grabbed my bags then froze. I looked at the window and saw the shadowed figure. I screamed before I could tell myself it wasn't real.
I dropped my bags as the figure moved towards me. I pinned myself to the wall and my body shook. Fear like I'd never felt before filled me. Everyone ran into the room, and it vanished.
"What's going on?!" Johanna yelled as she looked at my panicked expression.
I didn't know what to say. I pointed then shook my head. "I thought..." I shook my head again.
Mr. Rick went and looked out my window. "I don't see anything."
"I'm sorry. I must have seen things," I said, my voice shook. "I'm losing my mind," I said under my breath. Tears of embarrassment filled my eyes. I cleared my throat and blinked them away. "I'm really sorry," I repeated.
Mrs. Johanna wrapped me in a hug then told the guys to load the rental car. Havock hesitated and stared at me before his dad nudged him to go.
She sat on the bed with me and rubbed my back. "What do you think you saw?"
"A man. It was like he was just a shadow." I rubbed my face with my hands. "I'm really sorry. I think I'm just tired."
"Maybe. Do you want me to schedule an appointment with your therapist?"
I shook my head adamantly. "I don't want them to take me away," I whispered.
"They won't. You may just need some medication, sweetie. There's nothing wrong with that."
"You promise," I asked as I looked her in the eyes.
"Promise."
I nodded. I grabbed my carry on then we headed to the rental car. I climbed in and sat in the middle of the boys.
Havock started laughing. "The irony of the way we are seated is funny."
"Hilarious," Garrett mumbled sarcastically.
I cocked an eyebrow at him. I shook my head then leaned back against the rental car seat. I closed my eyes. "Who am I sitting by on the plane?" I asked quietly. "Who ever it is, is going to be a pillow."
"Who do you want it to be?" Havock asked knowingly.
"Shut up," I whispered as I leaned my head on his shoulder and dozed off a little. I felt his hand slip up the back of my shirt. He touched the part where my bra latches together and started to undo it. I sat up straight, wide awake. I frowned at him then looked and saw we were at the airport. He put his hand in his lap and laughed.
After going through security, we arrived just in time to board the plane. I smirked as I saw that my seat was next to Havock. Mrs. Johanna thought it would be a good idea to switch up riding partners. She wanted Havock and me to bond. If she only knew. . . I yawned and sat down. I put my belt on and got out my art book. I started sketching while I waited to take off.
"I love flying," Havock said while he looked out the window.
"I liked it the first time." I yawned. "This is only the second time I've been on a plane."
I sketched Havock as he looked out the window of the plane. I loved drawing him. It always made me smile.
There went my heart speeding up again. At least this time it was a good reason and not because I had been scared shitless.
He looked over at me. "What are you smiling about?"
"Nothing," I said as I closed my art book. No reason to give him a bigger head than he already had.
"So...are we a secret or do we get to tell mom and dad?"
"I'm scared to tell them. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to have to leave."
"Secret it is. This should be fun."
My shoulders sagged. "I don't like keeping things from your parents. They've been good to me."
"Then I guess we shouldn't be together." He smiled because we both knew that was impossible.
I opened the art book and showed him the picture I just sketched. "This is what made me smile."
"Damn, who's that ugly guy?" He nudged me and laughed. "It's sweet."
I blushed. "I seem to draw you when I just draw to zone out. I have to really focus not to. I've never had this problem before." I sighed.
I yawned again then closed my book. I laid my head on Havock's shoulder. "Please, don't try and unhook my bra while we're on the plane and there are people around," I said as my eyes closed.
"So, is that permission to do it when we're alone?"
I smiled but remained silent.
~~~
I got into the car after spending two hours at my therapist. I handed Mrs. Johanna the prescription and rubbed my head. "Are we going home?" I asked as I buckled.
She looked at the prescriptions and set them on her lap. "After we run them by the pharmacy."
I nodded. "Oh, my therapist is going to call you. She wants to make sure you monitor how many pills I'm taking."
"Okay." Her cell phone rang and she put it on speaker. "Hey, Garrett."
"Mom!" His voice rang out. He was out of breath and I could hear a crowd yelling.
Johanna pulled over on the shoulder. "What's wrong?!"
"Havock is fighting Tyler! At the gas station Tyler's girlfriend said something about Reese so Havock said something to her and Tyler flipped." The crowd got louder, then we heard police sirens.
I groaned and hit my head with my hand.
"Dammit!" Johanna yelled as she hit the steering wheel.