Dedication
For Mary Elizabeth and Mary Julia
Epigraph
O the evening deep in the darkling hamlets of childhood.
The pond beneath the willows
Fills with the tainted sighs of sadness.
—Georg Trakl, “The Nearness of Death”
Contents
Dedication
Epigraph
One: Happy Birthday, Suzie Epstein, Sam—1997
Two: How to Walk on Ice, Suzie—1998
Three: Scouting for Boys, Sam—1999
Four: If Only I Told You One Thing It Would Be This, Bella—2000
Five: When Dinosaurs Ruled the World, Sam—2003
Six: We Only Move Backward, Bella—2003
Seven: I Thought You Said You Loved Me, Sam—2003
Eight: Bashert, Suzie—2007
Nine: Renovation, Sam—2007
Ten: Ladies in Waiting, Bella—2008
Eleven: I Knew You When, Sam—2008
Twelve: The Only Sure Thing About Luck Is That It Will Change, Suzie—2009
Thirteen: You Are Always Leaving Too Soon, Sam—2010
Fourteen: Depth of Field, Bella—2010
Fifteen: You Deserve Everything, Sam—2010
Sixteen: Visibility, Suzie—2011
Seventeen: One Crush Away, Bella—2011
Eighteen: Fragile, Suzie—2011
Nineteen: Home, Sam—2012
Acknowledgments
P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*
About the author
About the book
Read on
Also by Robin Antalek
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
ONE
Happy Birthday, Suzie Epstein
Sam—1997
It was the summer all the children in the neighborhood caught a virus.
One by one they were felled for a week that involved buckets next to beds and cool towels to swab foreheads and mouths. Their mothers speculated on the origin, placing silent blame on Suzie Epstein’s fifteenth birthday party, where Sarah Epstein, derailed by an argument with her estranged husband that took place in the front driveway of their home during the party, left twenty or so unattended teenagers to open all the cans of soda in the cooler and cut the cake, sharing forks and drinks and saliva with abandon. The bug spread so fast that Suzie Epstein’s party had taken on the mythic proportions of a bacchanalia, the gossip chain now fueled by exhausted women whose nostrils were lined with the sour smell of their children’s vomit.
In the evenings, when stomachs had quieted before the next bout began, women gathered on front stoops. If you looked down the street at dusk you would see an uneven trail of red dots, like a runway lit by a madman. Mothers, solitary and weary smokers, afraid to spread the germs to one another’s homes, called from porch to porch to check on the wellness of the children contained within. How’s Frankie? Ruthie? Bella? Peter? Did Mindy get it too? Has the fever broken yet? Do you need extra buckets? I’ll leave some on your porch.
They drifted off to sleep to the disembodied voices of their mothers floating through the open bedroom windows as they lay twisted in pastel sheets, now slightly damp from their fevers, their stomachs hollow and their ribs aching.
By that first crack of daylight, as most of their fathers left for the train station, newspapers landed on doorsteps next to a pile of cigarette butts and often a lone empty glass, where the ghost of foam stuck to the rim. Milk soured in boxes and the deliveries were reduced from two days to one because no one felt well enough to drink milk, let alone dunk a cookie. It would be weeks before real food had any appeal: vacations got canceled; sleepaway camp and swim lessons and summer jobs were missed. In the glare of late July, as most of them recovered slowly, they left their houses in the mornings stepping onto unusually quiet streets, squinting into the sun, their arms, legs, and chests pale as December.
Sam was among the last to get sick, which surprised him because Suzie Epstein had been first, probably adding to the rumor of guilt. In truth, Suzie and Sam had missed the birthday cake and the cola. From where they were sitting in the basement, in the room where Mr. Epstein had been living before he moved out, they could hear their friends singing “Happy Birthday,” unaware or uncaring that Suzie wasn’t present. Thigh touching thigh, they sat on the floor, their backs against the bed, as Suzie showed Sam the box of photographs that she had found hidden in the closet way on the top shelf, covered with woolen ski sweaters patterned with snowflakes. The photographs were stored in a dented Buster Brown shoebox, the lid ripped at the corners, mended with ample amounts of Scotch tape.
Suzie placed the box gently on Sam’s lap. Due to the proximity of her bare brown thighs against his own, he was grateful for the extra coverage. “Here,” Suzie sighed as Sam lifted the lid. As if she knew too well what he was about to see. The sound escaping from her lips would be something Sam forever associated with anticipation and disappointment.
Clara Stevens, Mindy’s mother, was the first face Sam recognized. She was on the bench by the little kids’ swings in Westside Park, laughing into the camera. It looked like a totally normal picture except that her skirt had gathered at the top of her thighs so a triangle of her underpants was slightly exposed.
Esther Newman, Ruthie and Celia’s mother, was next. Her photo showed her in the Epsteins’ pool, her floral bikini top bright, her arms blurry, splashing water at the photographer. Sam lifted each photo slowly, curious which mother he would encounter next and a little afraid to see his own mother included in Mr. Epstein’s bizarre collection. The photos certainly weren’t worthy of the Playboy magazines Johnny Ross and Sam had discovered in Johnny’s basement, where Dr. Ross had hid them behind the nonworking toilet. But he did wonder what Dr. Ross would think of his own bikini-wearing wife sitting with her legs crossed at the ankles on the edge of the Epsteins’ diving board.
The exceptions to the photographs were Mrs. Chang, who was older than their mothers and had adopted Peter when he was five; Mrs. Spade, Bella’s mother, who had been in and out of the hospital for as long as Sam could remember; Mrs. Epstein, whom Sam didn’t expect to see; and his own mother. Every other mother in the neighborhood was there.
Sam fanned the photos out in his hand, as if Suzie and he were about to play a round of cards, before he dropped them back into the box. Suzie replaced the lid and took the box from his lap and went back over to the closet. She climbed on the chair and raised her arms above her head, and when she did her T-shirt lifted too and Sam could see the underside of her bathing suit top, where her breasts swelled away from her narrow torso.
When Suzie was done she sat back down next to him. Sam turned his head, about to ask her what she thought the box of photographs meant, and her face collided with his. Her mouth missed his that initial attempt, then their teeth hit painfully, and then somehow their lips were firmly pressed together. Sam couldn’t say who opened his or her mouth first, but as soon as he felt Suzie’s tongue against his, Sam’s entire body was hot all over. His hands were down at his sides, as were Suzie’s, and so they leaned awkwardly toward each other, connected only by their lips and then their tongues. Sam didn’t even know how long it lasted. Longer than when Bella Spade and he had been locked in Peter Chang’s closet during a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven and longer than the kisses he’d received from Mindy, Ruthie, and Celia during games of Spin the Bottle.
He didn’t know how much longer they would have gone on kissing had they not heard Mr. Epstein’s tires squeal against the drive as he backed out of the driveway, signifying that before long Mrs. Epstein’s attention would once again be focused on the birthday party and, specifically, Suzie’s absence from it.
When
Suzie pulled back, Sam thought she would be embarrassed. Instead she smiled at him, her chin tucked to her chest. He noticed for the first time that she had a constellation of freckles on her left cheek that formed the letter S.
“Happy birthday,” Sam sputtered, suddenly unable to think of anything to say. He had known Suzie so long they had swum naked in each other’s kiddie pools when they were toddlers.
“Thanks,” Suzie whispered, her lips puffy and shiny from their saliva.
As it turned out, they could have stayed in the basement with their mouths attached for all the attention Mrs. Epstein paid them. Sam had come up before Suzie and saw Mrs. Epstein do nothing more than glance at the destroyed birthday cake before she slipped through the sliding glass doors and disappeared into the kitchen. He doubted she even noticed the clouds of yellow and blue frosting from the food fight floating in the pool like phosphorescent lily pads. She didn’t bother to close the heavy glass doors all the way behind her, even though when Mr. Epstein lived there he could be heard shouting at Suzie and her brothers to close the door behind them, that he was tired of air-conditioning the outdoors. Sam watched Mrs. Epstein take a bottle of vodka from the cabinet over the refrigerator and pour herself a juice-glassful that she tossed back in one angry shot. When she was done she gagged a little, dropping the glass into the sink and holding the back of her hand against her mouth.
After that Mrs. Epstein moved further into the deep, dark coolness of the Epstein family home and she never emerged again, even as Suzie was opening her presents.
The second time Mr. Epstein caused a scene in the driveway of the Epstein family home, the neighborhood was still under siege by the virus and was unusually quiet for the middle of a summer day. Later their mothers wondered aloud how Mrs. Epstein could be so caught off guard, as the German motor of Mr. Epstein’s diesel Mercedes-Benz heralded his arrival, enough to cause them to stop their various activities—hanging the laundry, changing the bed linens, deciding what, if anything, was needed for dinner—so that they all tensed and wondered whether they should call and see if Sarah Epstein needed them. But they didn’t. Sam didn’t know if it had anything to do with the existence of the photographs, but even his mother stayed inside that day while Mr. Epstein, from the driveway, his Mercedes still running, called his wife a drunk and threatened to report her to the police for child neglect if she didn’t let him in the house to get his things.
When Mrs. Epstein had had enough she called the police, a fact she told Mr. Epstein from the front door, but then Mr. Epstein punched his fist through the screen door. Mrs. Epstein was faster. She slammed the inner door before he could unlatch the screen door. Everyone could hear him cursing that she had broken his fingers. When the police arrived Mr. Epstein was still standing on the front lawn, shouting and holding his throbbing digits. The police had to threaten to club him to get him to leave.
Sam was still sick then, too weak to get out of bed and look out the window. The shouting, though, woke him from a fever dream. The ice chips in the glass his mother had left on his nightstand had melted. Before he fell back asleep Sam wondered if Suzie was home, if she was still sick, if she was sitting in the basement looking through the pictures and thinking they were what her father had come to collect. One thing was for sure: he wasn’t there for Suzie and her brothers.
The For Sale sign on the Epsteins’ front lawn was the first thing Sam saw when he emerged from the house after being sick. There was a freshly planted pot of flowers on the front stoop, the screen door had been mended, and all evidence of a family with children living there had been erased.
Sam rode his bike to the town pool; apparently the Epsteins’ pool was off-limits now. Mostly everyone had gotten better before him, and he was relieved to see Suzie Epstein among the group, in the same bikini she’d had on the day of her birthday party. Seeing her, Sam experienced warmth spreading through his body all over again.
Sam failed at making eye contact, and he wasn’t sure if Suzie wanted their friends to know about them, or even if there was a them. He had zero experience with this kind of thing. Eventually, Suzie left with Bella Spade and Ruthie Newman, taking the long way around the pool and avoiding Sam altogether. If that was what she wanted, who was Sam to stop her?
They always hung out in Peter Chang’s basement because Mrs. Chang took a sleeping pill and went to bed at ten o’clock every single night, and nothing ever woke her, not even a dozen kids in her basement. That night it started out with just Peter, Sam, Johnny Ross, and Frankie Cole. They had nearly exhausted their vomit stories from the past few weeks when Stephen Winters arrived with a six-pack of beer he had swiped from his parents’ anniversary party a few weeks back and had kept hidden in the old fort they had built in the woods summers ago. The boys each popped the tab on the still-warm beer and brought it to their mouths quickly before the foam erupted. It tasted like the vomit they had just been bragging about, but they drank it. They were arguing about the last can when Mindy Stevens, Bella Spade, and Ruthie Newman arrived, at which point it was decided that they would let the girls drink the remaining beer.
“Where’s Suzie?” Johnny asked.
Bella shrugged. “She had to babysit her brothers or something.”
Sam wasn’t sure if Bella was looking at him when she said that or if he was drunk and reading something into nothing; either way, he busied himself with the channel changer, trying to find something to watch on the fuzzy old black and white TV.
“Turn that the fuck off, Turner,” Stephen called. “Grab that bottle off the table and get your ass over here.” He pointed at the wine bottle they used for Spin the Bottle.
Sam picked it up and tossed it at Stephen. The girls swayed as a group to get out of the way and then they laughed, splitting apart like bowling pins that had been hit and settling into comfortable positions on the floor. “Come on, Sam, I saved you a place,” Ruthie Newman said, patting the floor by her and giggling.
Sam walked over and sat down next to Ruthie. He felt more buzzed than he thought was normal after drinking a single beer. But he still wasn’t eating very much and his mother had remarked that morning when he walked through the kitchen without a T-shirt on that he looked too skinny.
Sam leaned back against the wall and was about to close his eyes when Bella Spade said, “I have a surprise.” She shoved her hand in the back pocket of her denim cutoffs and pulled out a twisted piece of tinfoil. She opened it carefully and held out her palm so they could see she had a joint in her hand.
“Seriously?” Peter Chang was on his feet looking for matches before Bella could respond.
Bella nodded. “My mother gets it from a doctor. It helps her feel better.”
Frankie looked over at Bella with a newfound respect. “Your mother has a dealer?”
“It’s not like that,” Bella said, starting to look upset. Ruthie patted her on the leg, and then Peter produced an orange Bic lighter from between the couch cushions.
The first time they took deep drags and coughed and then after that Bella told them what she had seen her mother do and they were quick studies, all of them holding in their smoke until it looked like their cheeks and eyeballs were about to burst. The buzz came quickly, a soft, floating feeling that was better than the beer. They started to play Spin the Bottle, but as soon as Peter began kissing Ruthie, Johnny went for Mindy and Stephen groped for Bella. Frankie was still pulling on the joint, his eyes half closed, and Sam wandered out of the Changs’ basement without saying goodbye.
He rode his bike through the dark, winding neighborhood streets until he was in front of the Epsteins’ For Sale sign. Across the street the lights in his own home were flickering from the living room, which meant his parents were up watching television. He rolled his bike into a thicket of bushes at the edge of the Epsteins’ driveway. He didn’t want his mother, who often ended her night with a cigarette on the front porch, looking across the street at his bike.
Around back by the pool area Sam stood on his toes and pee
red over the stockade fence. Suzie was in the pool with her clothes on, floating around on an orange raft. “Hey,” he whispered.
Suzie lifted herself up on her elbows and peered in his direction. She didn’t look surprised. “Are you coming in?”
“Can I?”
Suzie rolled her eyes and Sam opened the gate, closing it carefully behind him. “My mom is out,” she said.
“Oh.”
“My brothers are watching a movie.” She put her fingers to her lips and smiled. “You coming in?” She dipped her fingers in the water and flicked them at Sam.
Sam hesitated, still feeling very buzzed. “Why don’t you come out?”
Suzie paddled to the stairs. When she got out the back of her T-shirt and shorts were wet and stuck to her body. She made a face and Sam said, “I guess it didn’t make a difference.”
She shrugged. “It was so warm I didn’t even realize it, you know?” There were shadows in her cheeks and under her eyes that Sam had never noticed before.
“Were you sick a long time?”
“I guess. More than a week. My brothers got it too.” She came up close to him and grabbed his hand. “How about you?”
Her hand felt like the skeleton of a bird in his. Sam held it lightly, carefully. “I just got over it.”
She nodded. “I don’t think I started it then. ’Cause, well. You know.”
Sam’s heart was thudding in his ears. “Yeah,” he offered, “it wasn’t you.”
“Are you drunk?”
“I had a beer at Peter’s.”
“Did you smoke it?”
“What?”
Suzie hit him on the shoulder. “Come on. Bella’s my best friend.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, yeah.” He coughed. “Bella’s nice.”
“Yeah, she’s really nice. Why do you think she’s my best friend?” Suzie smirked.
“So you liked it? Her mom gets some really strong stuff.”
“Oh, have you? Before, I mean?”
“What do you think?”
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