Taking a drink of her Pina colada, Charleigh leaned her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes. There was nowhere she needed to be and nothing she needed to do. No invoices to fill out or wedding plans to confirm. Wedding plans. Nobody was pestering her to do it this way or to change it to that. It was just her and the simple awareness of quiet.
Nothing could possibly make the moment any better. Except maybe… Jamie. Just as his name crossed her mind, Charleigh opened her eyes to find him standing in front of the cabana.
Dressed in a green Hawaiian shirt and black swim trunks, Jamie leaned against one side of the straw roof, smiling down at her. Gosh… That smile, those brown eyes were enough to make her insides melt.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Jamie asked.
“Answer what?” She leaned forward and reached out for him.
Although she held on to his hand, Jamie continued to stand outside the shelter, and Charleigh couldn’t understand why he didn’t come sit down beside her.
“The phone. Can’t you hear it ringing?”
“I don’t want to. Come sit down with me,” she told him, gently tugging his arm.
“I can’t, Char, because I can’t stay.” Jamie pulled his hand away. “This is only a dream. You have to wake up and answer the phone.”
The realization hit her like a slap across the face. And yet he hadn’t laid a hand on her. Of course this was only a dream, because the television reports… the planes… the buildings… That was real.
“I don’t want to,” Charleigh said, forcefully. She shook her head. “If I wake up and you’re not on the other end of that line, then it’s just not worth it.”
“But this isn’t real, Charleigh.”
Jamie turned and started to walk away. Refusing to let him leave, Charleigh stood up and started to run after him. She only made it a short distance when something stopped her. It wasn’t a specific object but a notion. Watching him walk up the empty beach, she saw that he made no footprints in the sand.
“Oh, no!” Charleigh cried. “No!”
She was still screaming when she sat up on the love seat back in the living room. Her heart was racing and her head was pounding The telephone was still ringing. Tears flowed steadily from Charleigh’s eyes as she reached over for it.
“Hello,” she somehow managed to say.
“Charleigh?” It was an unfamiliar male voice. “Charleigh?”
“I’m here. I’m here.” It was a struggle, but finally she managed to get the words out.
“It’s Kevin. Are you okay?”
Kevin? His voice sounded deeper, coarser. “Kevin, is Jamie with you? Is he okay?”
There was silence on the line. It was an obvious indication that spoke louder than words. Whatever news he had was not good news. The dream… Seeing Jamie walk away from her with no footprints… Was it really only a dream or a portent?
“He’s gone, isn’t he, Kevin? That’s what you’ve called to tell me.” Tears rose up in Charleigh’s throat.
“I… we don’t know anything for sure. There’s still… I’m pretty certain that Dad and Jamie are… ” He was barely able to speak. The idea of his father and brother being dead was unimaginable, but to utter the words was even more impossible.
“Okay. Okay…” Charleigh let the phone fall to the floor.
Chapter Twenty
With one pillow covering her face and another clutched to her body, Charleigh reached out for the large bottle of nasty, pink stomach reliever on her nightstand. As if she’d been struck on the head with a sledgehammer, the throbbing pain didn’t compare to the tempest whirling around in her belly. She hoped a dose of the medicine would diminish the vomiting and queasiness for at least a little bit until it passed all together. For the last few days, it seemed to be worst in the very early hours of the morning.
As another bout slowly crept up into her throat, Charleigh tossed the pillow aside, hanging her head over the edge of the bed. Her body heaved and convulsed for a while as tears trickled from her eyes. At the same time, she searched frantically for the bottle, knocking it, the alarm clock, and telephone to the floor.
Well, wonderful!
Once the wretchedness passed, Charleigh was finally able to sit up bed, taking a swig of the pink junk. She looked down at the mess and then around the room. Dark and lonely. Those two adjectives were the best to describe the gloomy grayness that filtered in through the windows. And the way Charleigh felt inside.
Today was her wedding day. Or it was supposed to be, according to the calendar that hung on her office wall downstairs. In pale pink marker ‘Wedding’ was scrawled across the fifteenth square, surrounded by cute little hearts and bells. As if playing a cruel joke, Fate decided yet again that the young woman wouldn’t be living happily ever after with her prince charming.
As if this stomach virus— whatever it was— didn’t beat everything, since the timing was all wrong. The circumstances sure enough were the straw that broke the camel’s back. And Charleigh’s heart.
The only thing she wanted to do was sleep the day and night away, curled up with Jamie’s pillow. It was the last thing she had to remind herself of him, with the slightest hints of his cologne and sweat. Charleigh wanted to fall into a black, bottomless, dreamless slumber and stay that way until the pang in her chest vanished, if ever it did. Nothing else mattered, because everything that had was gone now. Ripped away.
***
Somehow, by mid-afternoon, Charleigh found herself standing on the steps at Madie’s. Unable to sleep the pain away, she just couldn’t stand the haunting silence. The lonesomeness of being in that big house all by herself.
There were a lot of things that needed to be done, or rather undone. Since the reception tableware hadn’t been used maybe the supplier would give her a refund. The flowers could be sent to the funeral homes and churches around the area where mourners were gathering to pray for those who perished in the attacks and their loved ones. The caterers could send all of the food to homeless shelters or eat it themselves. Or they could throw it in the trash, as far as she was concerned.
Taking a deep breath, Charleigh turned the door knob and stepped inside.
Standing in the foyer, she realized it sounded a great deal like it had when the news bulletins came on to alert everyone of the tragedies in New York City and Washington D.C. and Pennsylvania. The television was on, but the rest of the house maintained a heavy, sad silence.
Slowly, cautiously, Charleigh made her way down the hallway. She peeked in the living room and saw Jenna sitting on the couch. The young woman was staring at the television, but Charleigh didn’t think she was actually aware of it. There was a solemn expression on her pale, grayish face. It was a look Charleigh noticed, as she’d saw in herself, catching a quick glance in a mirror as she passed by on her way out the door.
Not letting her presence be known, she continued on her way to the kitchen at the back of the house. That was where she found Madie and Lenore, and surprisingly, her Granddad. He was sitting at the island counter with his back to the doorway, talking quietly with the ladies, who stood close together on the opposite side.
The talking immediately ceased when they looked over and saw her. John turned to see his grief-stricken grandchild.
“I, uh… I figured we ought to get all of the stuff from the wedding packed up,” Charleigh told them, timidly biting on her bottom lip. “Maybe we can get the money back on…” She shrugged, turning to make her way back toward the dining room.
She looked at all of clutter stacked up on the dining table and strewn around the rest of the room. Boxes of flowers sat along one wall and underneath the picture window that looked out over the garden. Out there, Charleigh could see the pieces of lattice from the trellis leaned against the side of the gazebo. Chairs were still haphazardly arranged here and there, as they had been on Tuesday and remained untouched ever since.
Beyond that, Charleigh could see storm clouds still hovered in the sunless sky.
Not the slightest sign of a sprinkle or a breeze. It was just gray and depressing. She shook her head, and turned back to the task on hand.
Wrapping each piece of china in the bubble wrap, Charleigh stacked the plates and saucers in the wooden crates in which they were shipped. When one was full, she would find an empty place on the floor for it and start on another.
“You don’t have to do that right now,” Madie said as she came up from behind and laid a hand on Charleigh’s shoulder.
“I want to get them sent back as soon as we can. There’s no point in keeping all of these. What would I use them for?”
Lenore and John stood together in the doorway. “I don’t know. Maybe you should wait and see…”
“For what, Granddad?” She laughed, but it was cheerless and sarcastic. “As much as I wish it wasn’t true, Jamie is not coming back.”
Shaking her head, Charleigh reached over to take one of the plates from the table. She stared at it but didn’t see it.
She yearned to be in another place and time. A place where there was no pain or worry or news of terrorist attacks. Of planes full of passengers, flying into buildings with even more people inside. Somewhere, where those same buildings didn’t go to wreck and ruin and take hundreds of innocents down with them. Somewhere where they didn’t know who Osama Bin Laden or the al-Qaeda were, if one did exist. Maybe, say a different planet.
Oh, dear Lord, how was it possible? Sighing, Charleigh put the plate inside its little bubble-wrap envelope and placed it in the crate with the others.
Was it possible that all around the country— all around the world, for that matter— out of all the people who were sitting in their homes or in their cars or at their places of business, that there was at least one person who was just as confused by the events of the last few days as Charleigh was?
How could it be that just six days ago she was holding Jamie in her arms, kissing him, telling him how much she loved him, planning a life with him, and now, on the day that was supposed to be their wedding, she was having to cope with his death and contemplate a life without him?
Was it fair? Just to be on the record, was anything about the last year of Charleigh’s life fair? Um, that would have to be a big, fat NO!
She felt like screaming. She felt like punching something, or someone. Instead, Charleigh swept an arm across the table, knocking everything within reach to the floor. Plates and glasses shattered. Boxes of assorted contents scattered.
She went over to the dozen or so boxes filled with bouquets and centerpieces, stomping each one until they resembled something more like potpourri. Walking over to her wedding dress, she scrutinized the yards of satin and lace. It was so gorgeous, perfectly fitted to every curve of her body. Now, it was worthless. It didn’t mean a thing.
She wouldn’t be walking down the aisle with her Granddad, wearing it, as she headed toward a future with Jamie. There was no future because some guys decided it would be a good idea to hijack a couple of commercial airliners and fly them into the buildings where Jamie would be working for the day. The buildings where thousands of people went everyday to work.
It makes no sense, not a lick of sense, Charleigh thought ripping away the first remnant of fabric.
“What is going on?” Jenna asked as she hurried into the room to find it in upheaval.
In horror, she watched as Charleigh virtually shredded the gown. The others watched as well, letting her get out all of the frustration that had been building up. Jenna felt like she needed to do something to stop Charleigh, before she did any more damage or did something to harm herself. Taking the first step forward, someone grabbed her by the wrist. She looked back to see her Aunt Lenore shaking her head.
When it seemed like she’d done enough damage to the dress— only the straps and bodice remained on the hanger— Charleigh stepped back and looked at it. She looked down at a scrap of the fabric that was still in her hands. Why was it every time, when everything in her life seemed to be falling right in place, that the rug was pulled out from underneath? Charleigh always seemed to land flat on her face.
Her legs gave way as the first tears began to fall. Sitting down in the middle of the disaster area, Charleigh heard the first drops of rain fall on the roof outside. It seemed as if God was crying right along with her, for all of the lives that had been lost and the loved ones left behind to cope.
“Darlin’, you cry,” John said as he knelt down and put his arms around her. He could feel her body, shuddering with sobs. “Get it all out.” With his arthritic knees, it might be impossible for him to stand up later on, but right now his granddaughter needed to be held. And that was what he was going to do.
Chapter Twenty-one
“Monkeys and toads and armadillos…” Mike sang as he wiped a wet washcloth across his daughter’s forehead. Just as he’d done many times throughout her childhood. “Lions and lemurs and dinosaur-oes… Sometimes that’s just the way life goes…”
They were in the bathroom, sitting on the cool stone floor while Charleigh fought with another bout of the stomach virus. This was the worst of it so far. She was hardly able to make it from the bed to the toilet in time and so it seemed like right next to it was the best place for her to stay.
For almost two weeks, she’d been dealing with this horrible illness— and the fact that she was going to grow old alone. Every morning, she was awakened by the urgent need to toss her cookies. It only lasted maybe a few hours each day, but the point was that she was so drained afterward that she could do nothing else but crawl back into bed and stay there until it started all over again the next morning.
Not that she wanted to do much else. Everything that mattered in her life was gone. There was no chance of ever getting it back, and Charleigh had no desire to try to pretend there was. This was the end of the road. If she didn’t believe that suicide was a sin, she would feel so very inclined to take her life and end all the misery.
So, instead, she usually cried until she finally cried herself to sleep.
Oh, no. Charleigh felt the bile rise up into her throat, and she jerked up just in time to make it to the toilet.
“You’re going to be okay, Char,” Mike chanted as he rubbed her back. “You’re going to be okay.’
“No, I’m not. This is the pits,” she mumbled lying back down. “I just wish this bug, or whatever it is, would hurry up and go away.”
“You know, your mama was the same way when she was pregnant with you. Couldn’t keep a single thing down.”
“Ha. Dad, the only difference is, I’m not pregnant. I, I…” She closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths.
“Are you sure? Have you seen a doctor? Taken one of those home tests?” Mike ran the cloth across Charleigh’s fevered cheeks.
“There’s no reason to. Besides, I…”
“Have you seen a doctor since I’ve been gone? Even just for a checkup?”
“You know how much I hate doctors, Daddy.” A tear ran down the side of Charleigh’s cheek. Mike wiped it away. “It’s not fair that I had to lose you and Jamie. You were the only two men I ever loved, really.”
“But you need to love yourself, Char, and take care of yourself now that I’m not there to watch over you. I love you, and I hate seeing you sick.”
I love you. Those three words reverberated in Charleigh’s mind as she woke up to find Amos licking the tears away from her cheeks. Lying in the bathroom floor, just as she had in the dream, the only difference was that her father wasn’t there.
“Oh, jeez,” Charleigh cried as the bile rose up into her throat for real this time, but this time she wasn’t lucky enough to make it to the toilet.
***
The male cashier at Wal-Mart had given Charleigh a strange look when he saw her drop all five boxed home pregnancy tests on the conveyor belt. Okay, maybe there were two tests in each package, but it never hurt to be one-hundred percent certain. Right?
What is that saying, ‘Better to be safe than sorry.’ Well, in this ins
tance, if the test came out positive then Charleigh was going to be very, very sorry. She was not ready to become a mother, and certainly not a single mother. Without Jamie, Charleigh didn’t want to be a mother at all.
And maybe Charleigh did look like she’d just rolled out of bed, not bothering to brush her hair. In a pair of too-short cutoffs and a tank top and sunglasses that hid the dark circles under her tired, blood-shot eyes, she honestly didn’t care what she looked like. It wasn’t like she was trying to win a beauty contest or anything. It was Wal-Mart, for crying out loud. Although she was not in the position to judge, she’d seen people dressed a whole lot worse.
“Okay,” the cashier murmured under his breath, watching her out of the corner of his eye.
As Charleigh pretended not to hear him— like he has any right to criticize; he looks like the captain of the zit patrol— she looked at the assortment of gum and candy next to the magazine displays. Ugh, just thinking about any kind of food made her gag.
“$57. 26.”
Charleigh threw a hundred dollar bill at the geek, grabbed the bag and said, “Keep the change.”
***
She’d followed the instructions on the test to the letter. Six out of six times so far, that second pink line in that second little window had appeared. It was obvious to Charleigh that they were defective because she was absolutely, without a doubt, not pregnant. It just wasn’t possible. They’d been so careful.
So for the seventh time, Charleigh held the test strip between her legs and peed on it. She put the cap back on the end, set it flat on the back of the toilet, and sat down to stare at it. The instructions said it could take up to ten minutes for the results to appear, but it didn’t take ten seconds for that second line to appear in the second window of the seventh test.
You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) Page 16