Charleigh closed her eyes, squeezing Kevin’s hand tightly, as the tears continued to flow. What Pastor Wilkerson said hit Gavin extra hard because he knew that he was the reason Charleigh had been so lost in that time of her life. It also made him realize that he had never been what Charleigh needed in a partner. Jamie was, all along. He’d acted so foolishly about his cousin’s relationship with Charleigh, when what he really should’ve done was back off. Now it was too late to admit that to anyone but himself, or to make amends.
“To have these two lives, among many others, cut much too short is a tragedy… But long after this day is over, they will remain a vivid memory in the minds of their family… Greg and Jamie will live on and be embodied by the tiny miracle bestowed upon the ones who loved them the most… What was born in sin, may it be raised up in Jesus Christ… Let us pray.”
And every head in the church bowed, all eyes were closed, as a blessing was asked. The mourners said, “Amen,” in unison.
***
When the funeral was over and all of the guests were gone, Charleigh sat quietly curled up at the end of the couch in Madie’s living room, picking at the armrest. The family matriarch and her sister were at their regular places in the chairs next to the cozy hearth.
Jenna was in her guest bedroom, taking a nap after the strain of the day. Kevin was upstairs, packing his suitcase because they had an early flight out of DFW the next morning.
There was a long-lasting feeling of quiet sadness in the air. No one mentioned it, but they all felt it. The three women silently pondered what to do next. What to say. They were all left exhausted by the day, by the emotions, and so each left the others to their thoughts.
For Charleigh, the funeral was a significant step forward in her life. A painful one, but just as significant. It didn’t mean, however, that she was letting go of Jamie, not in the very least. If it wasn’t for those two tiny lives depending on her, Charleigh might still be hiding underneath the covers, where she could wallow in the pain and sadness and self-pity. Where she could hide from life.
She was thinking about what Pastor Wilkerson had said about her pregnancy, kind of feeling sorry for herself. Feeling a whole lot angry that she would be put on public display like that, even at the funeral for the man who she loved with every part of her. Couldn’t people just let her live in peace, without all the shame? Why did she always have to be the one they make out to be the example? Charleigh knew that having premarital sex was sinful, but it wasn’t as if she’d had just a one-night stand with Jamie and conceived the twins. They’d been created through a whole lot love and commitment, and because of that, she didn’t regret it.
Charleigh thought about getting up, going home and taking a nice long soak in the tub. It wouldn’t take any of the pain away— ‘That’ll go away in time, darlin’,’ they all said; Blah, blah, blah! — but maybe then her tensed muscles might loosen up. She uncurled her legs, barely touching her feet to the insoles of her shoes on the floor beside the couch, when Kevin walked into the room.
Madie and Lenore raised their heads from their own thoughts to see what he wanted.
In his arms was something that was so familiar to Charleigh. The last time she saw it, though, had been months before as it boarded a plane in the arms of a different man, who was unknowingly headed toward his untimely demise. It was the suitcase that Jamie had taken with him on the business trip to New York.
Oh, my, Charleigh thought as her throat tightened with emotion.
Kevin stopped at the end of the couch, letting the bag set on the armrest.
“I thought you might want to have this,” he said to her.
She could only nod, afraid of what might come bubbling to the surface.
“Would you like to look through it now, or I can put it by the door for you to take when you leave.”
“No, now…” Charleigh cleared her throat. “Now would be okay.”
Kevin set it down on the coffee table in front of her. He sat down on the couch beside her and unzipped the bag. Inside, there was the normal things that a person would take on a trip. Jamie’s t-shirts, socks, boxers. His toothpaste and toothbrush and mouthwash. There was body wash and face wash. Shave lotion and his electric razor and cologne. There were some used q-tips and bubblegum wrappers.
Charleigh picked up one of the white undershirts— like it was a piece of priceless treasure— which it was to her— and brought it up to her face to breathe in the scent. No one could possibly know how much such a frivolous article of clothing meant to her. Just that simple thing brought the image to Charleigh’s mind of Jamie sitting right there beside her.
“Charleigh,” she swore that she heard him say her name.
“Charleigh,” Jamie said again, tapping her on the shoulder to gain her attention. “I think you might want to see this.”
She opened her eyes to see Kevin, and not Jamie, holding a long, rectangular jewelry box out to her. Taking it, Charleigh opened it to reveal the most beautiful piece of jewelry she could ever imagine, but even in her most ideal dreams could never make it so perfect. It was a silver link bracelet with more than two dozen tiny, silver charms.
Madie and Lenore came over to look. One woman settled on the armrest behind Charleigh, the other behind Kevin.
“Oh, that’s beautiful,” Lenore said with awe.
“Yes, it is,” Charleigh whispered.
It brought a memory back of the last time Charleigh was with Jamie.
Jamie had pressed a kiss to her temple as he held her in his arms. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” He’d asked.
“I’m sure,” she had replied, shaking her head. “Jenn’s here, and we’ve got some girly stuff planned with Liz and Lauren. Besides that, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. There’s still so many other things that need to be done before the rehearsal Friday night.”
Jamie’s forehead had creased as he looked down at the blacktop, then back up into her eyes. “Sorry about that. I know I’m leaving you with a million loose ends.”
“It’s fine. You just go do your thing. Who knows, maybe you’ll get done and come home a day or so early.”
He had cupped her face in his hands as he leaned down to kiss her. She stepped up on her tiptoes to bring her arms around his neck. Her fingers instantly tangled in his hair.
He had taken his hands away from her face and brought them down to her waist, sweeping her up off her feet.
She remembered that they had all but forgotten about the scorching heat. The plane that was waiting to take him away hadn’t made the least bit of difference. They’d blocked it all out until Jenna pressed down on the horn and startled them.
“You got to go,” she had sighed.
“I know,” he kissed her one last time. “I’ll bring you a surprise back from the city.”
“The only thing I want is you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. See ya in three days?” Jamie took a step toward the plane, and away from her forever.
“You bet.”
“I’ll call you tonight.”
“I’ll be here waiting.” she’d smiled and waved goodbye.
“Charleigh? Charleigh?”
Kevin’s voice brought her back to the present. She looked over at him, a little vaguely, and then back down to the bracelet.
“Huh?” She asked.
“I asked you what the charms meant, and you kind of spaced out.”
“Yeah, I was just thinking about the last time that I saw Jamie. At the air field, he promised to bring me something back. I guess he meant it, huh?”
“Yeah, but what do they mean?” Kevin asked for the third time.
Charleigh looked down at the bracelet and the charms. Among them, there was a tiny pair of ballet slippers. A horse. A star. A tiny bug that resembled a firefly. A snowman. An angel. A candle. Each one of them had a special meaning that only she and Jamie would’ve known the significance.
“This one…” she started, toying with the slippers. “
…is from the Christmas pageant last year… The horse is because I taught him to ride… The star: I took him camping one night… The firefly was from the Fourth of July… The snowman is for Valentine’s Day.” Charleigh touched the angel. It was only a silhouette. “I don’t know what this is for.”
“It’s for the first time you met,” Madie said. All of the others turned to look at her. “Remember the night you first met, Charleigh? You were outside in the snow, making…”
“…Snow angels,” Charleigh finished the other woman’s sentence. “I didn’t think anybody saw me do that but you, Lenore. You came out there, fussing at me.”
“Jamie stood next to the window there for some time.” Lenore pointed across the room. “Finally, he asked what color your coat was, and I came over to see what he was looking at. That was when I came out, squawking at you like an old mother hen.”
They seemed to sigh at the same time, remembering that night.
That had been the night Jamie twisted Charleigh’s arm. It also had been a new beginning… for both of them.
“When do you think Jamie fell in love with me?” she asked.
“That same night,” Madie replied, patting Charleigh on the shoulder. “There was this look he got on his face when he first saw you. You did, too, Char. And the two of you just stood there for about five minutes, staring at one another. I’d never seen anything like it.”
“I miss him,” Charleigh choked back the tears. She pressed a hand to her growing belly that had the waist of her dress stretched tight.
“We all do, dear,” Lenore replied. “But we have to remember that we’re all together in this. Don’t think for a moment that you’re going to have to raise those babies on your own.”
Kevin nodded. “Jenna and I agreed that we want to move down here to be a permanent part of our nieces’ or nephews’ lives. What’s holding us back in New York, anyway?”
“Uh, your mother,” Charleigh offered, wiping away a tear.
“That’s a joke, I hope.”
“No, it’s not.” Especially not after all of the things Claudia had done to try to sabotage Charleigh and Jamie’s relationship.
“I’ve already arranged to finish Medical school by next summer. My internship at Columbia will be over, then I’ll come to the University hospital in Norman to do my residency,” Kevin explained. “Jenn still has a few years of college left, but there’s always the summers. She’s so enamored with your cousin, Brian, it’s pathetic. She’s thinking of transferring to Southeastern, just to be closer.”
“You’re not doing it because you feel sorry for me, I hope?” Charleigh asked. She was sure if push came to shove, she’d be fine on her own.
“No, it’s because our family— our real family— is here. Mother is so disconnected from us, she would never let us call her ‘mom.’ Besides, Grandmother and Grandfather are just as condescending as she is.” He put an arm around his almost sister-in-law.
Yawning, Jenna came into the living room. She looked around at each person through squinted eyes, trying to figure out what was going on. Noticing the suitcase on the coffee table, she sighed and shifted her eyes away to the floor.
With arms crossed beneath her breasts, Jenna began to sway. Charleigh couldn’t decide whether it was in nervousness or impatience. She soon came to the conclusion of impatience.
“You know I hate to break up the pity-party, ‘cause I think we’ve all had more today than we can handle…” she said. “…but I was just wondering, since I woke up and didn’t smell food cooking— which is a rarity in this house— if you had decided as a group to go on a hunger fast in memory of Jamie and Dad.”
“Watch it, young lady.” Madie pointed a finger at her granddaughter. “Grief doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.”
“I don’t mean to be, but my stomach is rumbling,” Jenna apologized. “Can’t you hear it?”
“Come on. I’m sure we can find something to whip up.” Lenore stood up and took her grandniece by the hand. “And just for that little outburst, you’ve got kitchen-cleanup duty.”
“Aw, man,” Jenna groaned.
“It’s not so bad, I promise. I’ll even help.”
Charleigh looked up at Madie as the other two left the room. Lenore and Jenna’s voices could still be heard as they moved down the hallway toward the kitchen. A faint smile crossed the old woman’s lips as she stood up. Madie leaned over to kiss her on the top of the head. Without speaking a single word, she did the same thing to Kevin and headed in the same direction.
“Well, I guess we better go help,” Charleigh groaned as she hauled herself to her feet.
“Before you go, I think this goes along with the bracelet,” Kevin said, doing the same. He held a small, white envelope out to her.
She had no idea what to say. She stared at it for a second before reluctantly taking it.
“I’ll leave you alone to read it,” Kevin told her and quickly retreated to the kitchen.
Holding it with both hands, Charleigh took her time to open it. There could be a million things that Jamie could have written. She went over to sit in Madie’s chair, turning on the lamp on the table next to it.
She touched the edges of the sealed flap. As funny as it might seem to someone else, Charleigh thought about how Jamie might have looked as he ran his tongue along that area to moisten the glue. She remembered how cute he’d looked doing just that as they’d worked on their wedding invitations.
She remembered the feeling of Jamie’s lips pressed to her own.
One last thing Charleigh wanted to do before she opened the envelope. She brought it up to her nose and closed her eyes. It had the same assortment of scents as everything else in the bag did. All of the same scents she’d loved so much about the man. Now they were only a memory.
Finally, she ripped it open and pulled out the card. It was actually a brochure of a resort in Jamaica. On the front was a couple sitting on a sandy beach as the sun went down below the horizon. On a post-it note, in Jamie’s almost indecipherable handwriting, ‘You and me,’ was scrawled.
It made Charleigh chuckle as she opened the card. A long and skinny piece of yellow legal-pad paper fell out onto her lap. She unfolded it and began to read.
Charleigh,
In twenty-four hours you’ll walk down that aisle and become my wife. To be completely honest, I can’t wait until I slip that ring on your finger. There’s no need to worry about cold feet here, because I don’t mind plunging headfirst into the unknown, as long as you’ll be there with me. I love you so much, Char.
I know you said at the airfield on Monday that you just wanted me to come back home to you, but I still wanted to get you something that will always be a reminder of the good times we’ve had together. There’s also enough room left on there to add charms for all of the other wonderful moments we’ll experience in the years to come.
Because you have my heart, always.
With all my love, Jamie.
Chapter Thirty
(One year after Charleigh and Jamie first met)
It was hard for Charleigh to believe a whole year had already passed since she laid eyes on Jamie Matthews for the very first time. Three hundred sixty-five days. Fifty-two weeks. Twelve whole months. A lot of things can take place in such a short amount of time, more than she ever wanted to remember.
Tragically, he wasn’t with her to commemorate the special occasion. Not in the flesh, anyway. Standing in front of the marble cenotaph, Charleigh could feel Jamie’s presence, all the same. And if she closed her eyes, she was almost certain that she would be able to smell the clean scent of his aftershave. To feel the warmth of his arms around her body; the bottom of his chin resting on her head.
Without Jamie by her side, Charleigh knew her life wouldn’t ever be the way she had imagined it, but she was forever changed by the loved he had shown to her. The impact he had on her mind, body, and spirit was unmistakable. She was a totally different person than she had been on this day one
year ago. Charleigh supposed, if Jamie were there, he would’ve said the same exact thing about himself.
He lived on in her heart. The tell-tale signs of the tiny miracles he’d left in his wake were becoming more and more evident with every passing day as her waistline grew. The memories of their time together were safely stored away in her mind, and Charleigh would make sure that their sons or daughters knew who their father was, how much their parents had loved one another, and how much he would have loved them.
You are my heart, Jamie, Charleigh thought, pulling her wool pea coat tighter around her body. She wasn’t able to button it anymore because of her ever-growing belly.
The sky was an ominous gray, but unlike the year before, the ground was hidden by a carpet of red and orange and yellow leaves instead of snow. They crowded around the stone base, adding a bit of color to the bleakness. The barren branches of surrounding trees swayed back and forth in a bone-chilling breeze. It played in the ringlets of her hair, feeling almost as if someone were running their fingers through it, just like Jamie used to do.
As the first teardrop rolled down her cheek, Charleigh closed her eyes and let herself pretend.
***
Madie brought her car to a stop behind Charleigh’s massive SUV on the small strip of gravel between the sections of graves and put it in park. Lenore was sitting beside her in the passenger seat, and Kevin and Jenna were together in the backseat. Reluctant to take that first step, the group silently stared out the car windows at their stark surroundings.
It was the last place any of them wanted to be; the last thing Kevin and Jenna wanted to be doing on their break from college for the Thanksgiving holiday. The funeral had been like a knife to their hearts, but this was the final and absolute hardest step toward admitting the sad reality that their loved ones were no longer with them, and acknowledging, despite the dwindling hope each of them secretly held in their hearts, that they would never be coming back.
You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) Page 23