by Lucy Clark
Phemie couldn’t believe that she actually felt hurt by his words. She knew he was being honourable, that he was trying to do the right thing, but by the same token was she yet again to be rejected? When Danny Ellingham had rejected her, she’d thought it was because of Anthony, because of the Down’s syndrome, but perhaps all those years ago she’d been wrong. Perhaps he’d simply been rejecting her and she hadn’t realised it. ‘You don’t find me attr—’
Gil stopped her words by pressing his mouth to hers, showing her rather than telling her just how incredibly attracted he was. ‘How could you even think that? From almost the first moment I saw you, I’ve yearned to have you in my arms, your body pressed to mine, my mouth worshipping you.’ He looked intently into her eyes. ‘You have come to mean so much to me in such a short time. You’re special, Phemie. Very special, and very dear to me.’
‘Gil. Listen I—’
‘No. Please.’ He pressed a finger to her lips. ‘I heard what you said before, about never marrying.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ He tightened his arms around her but pulled back, the pleading note in his voice showing he really wanted to understand. ‘What I feel for you…’ He stopped and shook his head. ‘I didn’t ask for it. I most certainly didn’t expect it but Phemie, I’ve been in love before and this…what I feel for you…’ He stopped again, trying to be diplomatic in his choice of words.
‘Don’t, Gil.’ Phemie twisted out of his grasp and walked to the other corner of the verandah. As the sky was now changing colour, indicating the sun was indeed setting, she began to realise how tired she really was. She didn’t have the strength to argue with him so instead she allowed his words, his sultry deep voice to wash over her.
‘Phemie. You must allow me to tell you how I feel. To tell you how these feelings we’re both experiencing don’t come along every day.’ He turned her to face him and took her hands in his. ‘This is rare. So fast. So illogical but there it is. You feel it. I feel it. We were destined to meet.’
‘Destined?’ Phemie laughed without humour and pulled away from him again. ‘No. There is no destiny, Gil. There is only shuffling around the cards we’ve been dealt, trying to find the best possible hand to play.’
‘You’ve been hurt.’ It was a statement. ‘Did some man hurt you? Destroy your confidence? Break your heart? Is that why you came to the outback? To hide your light under a bushel?’
‘No. You’ve got me all wrong, Gil. I wasn’t hurt, or dumped or jilted. I came to the outback because I’m a coward.’ She spread her arms wide. ‘There. The unvarnished truth about the woman you think I am.’
‘You are not a coward, Euphemia.’
‘I am. I have been stuck in a rut my whole life. Doing what needed to be done and then being too scared to take a step into the unknown. Even Anthony had the guts to leave home long before I did. He’s travelled and he’s had adventures and I haven’t done any of those things.’ She hiccuped, unable to believe the level of emotion she was feeling saying these words out loud, especially to Gil.
‘Anthony’s “steps” into the world have all been orchestrated for him,’ Gil replied calmly. ‘Even his trip to Sydney was undertaken with the aid of a supervisor. Your parents would have prepared him for these eventualities so that—’
‘But they never prepared me.’ Phemie couldn’t believe that tears were pressing firmly behind her eyes. She wiped them away with an angry hand. ‘I love my parents, please don’t misinterpret me, but for my whole life Anthony has been the main focus—for all three of us. He has always had to come first.’ She looked down at her hands and was surprised to find them trembling. ‘I love him, Gil. He’s my brother but sometimes…sometimes I used to wish I was an only child, that I had that “normal” life the other girls at school had. I didn’t want to be known as the girl with the Down’s syndrome brother. That was my identity until I finished high school. I know none of this is Anthony’s fault, or my parents’. They did the best with what they had but I didn’t get to have an ordinary childhood and the scars of that still run very deep.’
‘It’s quite clear to all and sundry that you love him, Euphemia.’ Gil came towards her again, holding out a pristine white hand-kerchief. ‘But whilst you were growing up, you just wanted a bit of the attention. Correct?’
‘Yes.’
‘And then you felt guilty for wanting that?’
‘Yes.’ She nodded, unable to believe he understood. ‘You have no idea what it felt like to grow up in that sort of…box. There was nowhere for me to go. No means of breaking out. My parameters were set.’ She dabbed at her eyes and shook her head, giving him an ironic smile. ‘And then, when I was in med school, my parents dropped another bombshell.’
‘What?’ Gil held his breath, completely unable to predict what she might say next.
‘They told me I was a carrier. If I have children, there’s a probability they’ll have Down’s syndrome.’
‘Carrier?’ Gil frowned. ‘Down’s is caused by a random event to the reproductive cells before conception.’
‘Except if you’re a carrier of a defective translocation trisomy 21 chromosome. Which I am and so is my mother. They had me tested when I was a teenager, although I had no idea what the tests were all about back then.’
And there it was. Gil almost sighed with relief as he realised that this was Phemie’s road block. Now that he understood the problem, he could fix it. Fixing problems was what he did best and if he could help this most incredible woman, the woman who had helped him realise his heart didn’t need to be locked away for the rest of his life, that it was strong enough to love again, then so be it.
‘That is why you won’t marry?’
‘I will not subject my children to the life I’ve had. I know you can rationalise things and say that because I know all about Down’s, that it’s not as bad as other disabilities, I’ll be better able to deal with it. I know I can point at Anthony and say look how well he’s turned out. He’s a stable and functioning member of society. He’s independent and happy and now my parents are off having the holiday they never thought they’d have, but it was all still a very restrictive upbringing.’
‘But you could overcome this, Phemie.’ His words were clear, calm and very matter-of-fact. ‘You would make the most wonderful mother and together—together—we would handle anything life threw at us, even if it was a child with Down’s. You have your parents’ experiences to guide you, plus your own experiences, and you would be such a perfect mother. I truly believe that, Phemie. There is no reason for you to be afraid. You are strong and powerful and incredibly independent.’
She heard what he’d said but still felt as though she had to make him understand where she was coming from. ‘But you don’t understand what my life was like. I ended up being so used to having my life ordered, structured down to the minutest detail, that when Anthony and my parents left, I had no idea who I was. I was a grown woman. I was a doctor. I worked at a hospital. I was good at caring for others but I was lousy at caring for myself.’ Her breath caught on a hiccup. ‘Do you have any idea what it feels like to look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at you?’
‘Yes.’ His reply was quiet and Phemie stopped her ranting to look at him more closely. ‘Yes, I do, and it’s terrifying.’ He paused. ‘When I received word of June’s and Caitie’s deaths, I shrank from the world. I put myself into the same sort of box you were raised in so, yes, I do understand. I understand the help-lessness. I understand the isolation. I understand the way you rationalise things to keep yourself protected, safe.
‘Then something happens and you’re forced to take a step out of that boxed existence.’
‘The fellowship?’ she asked and he nodded.
‘No doubt someone gave you the idea to come help in the outback.’
‘It was Dex.’
‘I should have guessed. He’s a good guy and doesn’t like to see obvious talent going to waste.’ Gil came close
r but made no effort to touch her. ‘We’re more alike than you realise, Phemie. Even though we were both stuck in a rut, even though we were no doubt extremely lonely, confused and wondering just how to get out—the fact is that we both did. We sucked in a deep breath and took the plunge—and look at what’s happened?’
‘We found each other,’ Phemie whispered, then shook her head. ‘But I can’t have children, Gil. I just won’t do that.’
‘Understandable.’
‘What?’
‘I understand what you’re saying, why you’re saying it.’
‘And you agree?’
‘If you feel that strongly about it, then yes.’
Phemie frowned. ‘Just like that?’
‘You’ve made the decision, an informed decision, and I’m positive you’ve no doubt done a lot of research into this matter…’ At Phemie’s slight nod, he continued. ‘But you shouldn’t be punished by spending the rest of your life alone. Loneliness isn’t for someone as beautiful as you. It would eat you up inside and you don’t want that.’ He wanted to caress her cheek, to touch her, to reiterate his words with actions, but he stood his ground, keeping the distance between them. He needed, more than anything, for Phemie to be the one to reach out to him. He’d come so far and he’d wait, no doubt impatiently, for her to come the rest of the way. If this was going to work between them, it needed to be a two-way street.
‘But don’t you want to have children? You’ve been a father once and I saw the look in your eyes when you held the baby earlier. You want children, Gil. I can see it.’
‘I do, but there is more than one way to become a parent.’ He closed his eyes for a moment then looked at her with an intensity that made her knees start to quiver. ‘Phemie, I’m almost certain I’m falling in love with you. I also have an inkling that you may feel the same way.’
‘Yes.’ Why wasn’t he making any attempt to take her back into his arms? Was he about to tell her that even though he felt that way, even though she’d just admitted to feeling the same way, they still couldn’t be together? She held her breath.
‘That’s…’ His smile was deep, encompassing and she breathed easily. ‘That’s wonderful to know.’ Still, he stayed where he was. ‘However, I think we need time,’ he continued. ‘We need to sit and talk and get to know each other more. There is still so much I don’t know about you.’
‘And I about you.’
‘See? Let’s take this week. Let’s use it to our best advantage.’
‘And then?’
‘And then I need to return to England.’
Phemie’s heart caught in her throat at his words and her eyes widened in pain. The thought of not having him there, not having him with her, made her feel ill. ‘But—No!’ She stepped forward and wrapped her arms about his waist, burying her face in his chest, her ear pressed to his heart so she could listen to it beat its comforting, steady rhythm.
‘Shh.’ He enveloped her, relieved she’d come to him. ‘I’m not going to stay there. I know you can’t leave Australia and I would never ask you to. You have your family and your much-needed work. Simply being here, in the outback, even for just half a day, has already shown me the importance of the Royal Flying Doctor Service.’
‘You were a part of that team today.’
‘And it was enlightening, exhilarating and utterly exciting. I have not felt so…thrilled with medicine since my time in Tarparnii working with Pacific Medical Aid. There, the medicine was even more raw than it is here and sometimes much more devastating than the car crash in Sydney, but being there, helping others, spending time with those poor orphaned children, becoming integrated into the community—it was that which saved my life. When I returned to England, life didn’t seem so bad but I still had no idea exactly where I was supposed to fit any more. Even with the fellowship, I knew I was just putting off the inevitable.’
‘Which is?’
‘Finding out who I am and where I fit in the world.’
‘And do you know that now?’ She was gazing into his eyes as she asked the question and Gil smiled brightly before brushing a kiss across her lips.
‘I’m starting to.’
She smiled and breathed him in, loving his scent, loving the feel of his body beneath her hands, loving everything about him. ‘Good. So we use this week?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then you go back to England.’
‘Yes.’
‘And then?’
‘And then I apply for a permanent job here.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Why not?’
‘Is it really that simple?’
‘My life in England…it’s not there any more. It’s here. With you.’ He kissed her again. ‘Simple as that.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
FOR the next week, Phemie and Gil spent almost every moment together. They would eat breakfast, learning what each other preferred. Phemie was more than happy to eat cereal or toast but Gil preferred a cooked breakfast.
‘Besides, it’s cooler to cook in the mornings than the evenings,’ he pointed out on his fourth day there.
They attended clinics, house calls and two emergencies. Each time Phemie watched Gil closely as they flew in the small aircraft but he either hid his loathing for flying very well or he was coming to terms with it, letting go of his past.
In the evenings, if they weren’t called out, they’d take it in turns to cook and then either watch a movie or play cards or, Phemie’s favourite thing, sit on the porch swing and look at the stars, talking softly and intimately.
When it was time for bed, Gil would kiss her softly, tell her that he loved her and then head to his own room. He insisted it was the right thing to do and Phemie realised that chivalry wasn’t dead. As the end of his week drew closer, their time together became more intense.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ she said at breakfast as she watched him finish cooking his bacon and eggs. She poured them both a cup of rich-bodied Australian tea, which just so happened to be Gil’s new favourite drink.
‘I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you, work with you, spend as much time with you as I can. However, I do need to tie up quite a few loose ends.’
‘You’ll call me after each leg of your journey?’
‘I’ll do my best. Just make sure you’re somewhere that has good reception.’
Both of them were putting on a brave front for a goodbye they knew was going to be extremely difficult. ‘We’ll email and call,’ he murmured, pulling her to his side. He switched off the frying pan, not feeling particularly hungry. Today he would make the trek from the base to Perth, then Adelaide and finally to Sydney. There, he’d meet up with William and the rest of his staff before they all flew back to England the next morning. ‘I’ll be back here before you know it.’
‘Just as well you have such impressive credentials or else the RFDS might not have wanted to employ you. Ben even told me the word “over qualified” was bandied around,’ she teased, needing to do anything to lighten the atmosphere.
‘Just as well,’ he replied, and caught her to him for a long, luxurious kiss. ‘I love you, Phemie. I want to be with you. Always.’
‘I know.’ She also knew he wasn’t looking forward to this flight. Tomorrow, especially, was almost a twenty-four-hour flight from Sydney to Heathrow. Gil’s family had been taken from him before and she knew he was concerned that this time everything should go according to plan. ‘Everything will be fine.’ They both had to believe that, to keep focused.
Nothing more had been said about children but the fact that Gil accepted her reasons for not wanting to have her own had made Phemie relax. That he hadn’t pushed her on the subject also meant he had a plan up his sleeve, that much she’d learned about him during this week. He was so incredibly smart and he would ponder and think things through quite thoroughly before voicing his thoughts. She would therefore trust him and in doing so she found she was finally able to let go of the enormous weight she�
�d been carrying around for far too long. Gil had helped her realise that her parents had done the best job they could to give her a good childhood. It may not have been the ‘cookie-cutter’ family home she’d thought a lot of other girls lived in but it had been solid. It couldn’t have been at all easy for them yet they’d done what they’d had to do and Phemie knew she was very much loved by them. Wasn’t that all that really mattered?
When the time came for Sardi to fly Gil to Kalgoorlie so he could make the connecting flight to Perth, Phemie found her throat completely choked with emotion. Both of them were waiting until the last possible moment before he boarded the plane.
‘I love you,’ she whispered against his mouth as she kissed him, tears streaming down her face.
‘Don’t cry, love.’ He held her tight, gripping his second chance at love, not wanting to ever let her go. He so desperately wanted her to go with him, to visit England, but he knew she couldn’t leave, not at the moment. Her work here was precious and necessary and he respected that. Soon they would be running the base together. He’d have more time to write articles and he had a new scope of inspiration before him—adaptive emergency medicine. He would start by writing up how to make a humidicrib from nothing more than Gaffer tape, plastic pipes and kitchen sandwich wrap.
‘I can’t wait to get back,’ he murmured, his eyes bright with love. ‘I’d say keep the home fires burning but I think you’d best keep the fans whirring instead,’ he joked, and was rewarded with a little laugh. With one last, heart-searing kiss, he boarded the plane, Madge pulling up the stairs behind him. All the RFDS staff had been welcoming and this past week had been one of the happiest he’d had in a very long time.
As the plane rose, Gil looked out the window at his beautiful Euphemia, standing next to the airstrip, waving. He watched until she disappeared from view.