by Chloe Walsh
He was here and he defending me.
That had to mean something, right?
Wrong, fool! He slept with your mother!
Pain speared through me and I jerked away from him like he had scalded me.
"You wanna lose your shit on someone, then go ahead and lose it on me." Nate spoke in a low tone as he towered above me, eyes locked on my brother in warning. "But leave your sister the hell out of this."
"Exactly." Shoving his chair back, Jackson sprang out of his seat and literally lunged across the lunch table towards Nate. "My sister," Jackson roared, shoving against several of his teammates who were holding him back. "My goddamn sister, you sorry ass piece of shit. Of all the fucking girls, you had to go after her."
"Jackson," I begged, moving towards my brother. "Don’t do this here–"
"Get the fuck away from me, Andi," he snapped, swatting my hand away from his arm. "Get out of here."
That move caused Nathan to see red. "Put your hands on her again and I will bury you," Nate snarled, towering over my brother as they stood chest to chest. "Friend or not, I will fuck you up."
"You're supposed to be my best friend," Jackson snarled, eyes locked on Nate.
He nodded stiffly. "I am."
"You're delusional," Jackson sneered. "Fucking around with my sister, man. That makes you no friend of mine."
"I wasn’t fucking around with her." Nate's jaw was clenched. His biceps were straining against the fabric of his black tee shirt. "I love that girl." Staring my brother in the eye, Nate added gruffly, "Always have."
I could hear the loud gasps and wolf whistles coming from the tables around us. My mouth fell open as I shook my head in utter shock. How could Nate do that; announce to my brother and the entire cafeteria that he loved me when he knew that I knew about what he'd done with our mother?
My heart hammered around in my chest like a caged bird. It was like it didn’t know what to feel. One thing I was sure of was that this was getting completely out of hand.
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Dallas and my heart jumped in my chest. I was in deep trouble with that girl. She held a lot of power over my family.
Feeling embarrassed and worried about the scene we were making, I reached for the person I knew would listen to me.
"Don’t do this here," I begged Nate. Wrapping my hand around his, I shook from head to toe as I looked up at his face and begged him with my eyes not to fight with my brother.
I felt a surge of power shoot through me when Nathan complied with my plea and took a step back from Jackson. I couldn’t understand why this strong, dangerous boy from Riverside was listening to me. No one ever listened to me, much less did as I asked. But he did. Come to think of it, he sort of always had…
My body sagged in relief.
Relief for my brother's safety.
Relief for their friendship.
I had intended to remove my hand from his, but Nate had an almost death grip on me. Obviously, he had other ideas.
"You call her a slut one more time and I'll imprint my fist on your face," Nate added in a heated tone, eyes still locked on my brother, though he was a safe distance away from him now. "Any of you," he added, casting a warning glare to Jackson's group of buddies – his former teammates. "This is your only warning. You disrespect her and I'm gonna take it as a personal insult." He cocked his brow and glared. "And trust me when I say, you don’t wanna see me get mother fucking personal."
With that, Nathan turned and strode off in the direction of the exit, with me tagging along after him, hand still entwined in his.
I wanted to run out of the lunch room.
I couldn’t handle the stares and whispers.
I couldn’t handle my brother's disgust or Nathan's betrayal.
I was embarrassed and ashamed and a million other things, but Nathan wouldn’t let me run.
"Don’t you dare hide that pretty face," Nate hissed, tightening his hold on my hand. He walked beside me, pace steady and even, head held high, daring anyone to make a comment. "Hold your head up, Andi baby, because you aint got a damn thing to be ashamed of."
Our exit from the cafeteria felt like it had been a mile long, and when we exited through the double door, I was honest to god sweating, not from exertion, but from sheer anxiety.
"I called you," Nate said after a pause as we walked down the hallway. "More than once." He turned his face to look at me as we walked. "And text. Hell, I just about filled up your damn mailbox."
"I haven't listened to my voicemails." I shrugged, omitting the fact that I'd read some of his messages. "I haven't powered my cell up in days."
He laughed humorlessly. "I figured."
"Where were you?" My voice sounded accusatory and I was shocked at myself. "You haven't been in school all week."
Nate cocked a brow. "I could say the same thing to you. Where've you been, Andi?"
"I was sick," I shot back, blushing.
"Yeah, well so was I," he shot back, not missing a beat. "Sick of being here without you." Shrugging, he added, "Figured I'd do some overtime at Trey's; make myself enough cash so I could invest in a ladder." He smirked. "For the next house visit."
My cheeks burned brighter. "You can let go of me now."
"No," he replied. "I can't."
"What?" I gaped. "Wh-why not?"
"Because this is my fault," he shot back, looking angry. "I did this. I messed things up for you. There is no way in hell I'm having you walk around this school taking shit off these fuckwads because of me."
"Don’t do that again," I whispered, feeling all the blood in my body rush to my head. I was dizzy and overwhelmed and being this close to this particular boy was entirely too much for me. "What you said to Jackson in the lunch room?" I shook my head and exhaled shakily. "I can't hear you say that."
Nate frowned. "Why not?"
"Because I'll start believing it's true," I admitted. "And I know it's not." It couldn’t be.
Still holding my hand, Nate tugged me into a nearby alcove.
Moving closer to me, he caught ahold of my chin with his thumb and sighed. The space was so confined, our shoes were brushing and it took everything I had inside of me not to fall at his feet. "Don’t write us off without hearing me out."
"There's nothing to write off." It pained me to say it, but it had to be said. "There is no us, Nate."
"I fucked up." His held his hands up, and the only reason I wasn't running right now was the sheer desperation in his eyes. He was looking at me like I held his life in his hands and if I walked away now, it would kill him. I was probably giving myself far too much credit for his emotions but that was what he was showing me. His brown eyes were blazing with heat and overloaded with emotion. "I made a huge ass mistake in thinking I could keep this from you. I know that sounds fucked up, but it's true." He was breathing hard and fast. He was looking at me like I was about to bolt. In truth, I was thinking about it. "But don't fucking leave me." He was shaking, trembling all over. I'd never seen Nathan so vulnerable. So raw and exposed. "I stayed," he choked out. "I fucking stayed in this shithole town for you."
"I never asked you to," I whispered, trembling and confused.
"Yeah, you did," he corrected. "Halloween night in the fifth grade." His eyes burned with sincerity. "You asked me then."
Damn him. He was right. I had asked him to stay. In fact, I had begged him to never leave me...
I ran through the trailer park until I was far enough away that I couldn’t hear her screaming before collapsing on the ground. I was dressed up as Little Bo Peep and my poufy dress was splaying everywhere. My mom was going to be so mad when she saw the stains I'd gotten on my dress. It was ruined.
But I didn’t care right now.
I couldn’t.
Tossing my pink, glittery staff and the bag of candy I'd earned on the dirt track beside me, I dropped my head in my hands and wept. The candy was of no use to me anyways. I couldn't eat it. But I'd gone and collected it for Nate – my w
ay of saying thanks to him for taking me out tonight.
Nate was twelve now, a sixth grader, and he was at the point in life when trick or treating had become childish, but he took me out anyway when my brother point blank refused. He was staying at one of his friends' houses tonight – one of the guys on the same football team as he and Nate. Jimmy, I think he said his name was. I hadn't taken much notice of the name at the time because I knew it was lies.
Jackson spent next to no time at home anymore – not since he got his girlfriend Jennah-Elizabeth – but Nate did. He kept coming over to hang out.
"Andi!" I could hear Nate calling me and I wanted to call out right back to him, but how could I?
How could I face him again…?
"There you are," he said, closer this time. "Why'd you run off on me? I told you it was okay."
"Because it's not okay," I choked out through racking sobs. "I'm so sorry, Nate."
"Well shit, Andi. Don’t start crying over it." He looked incredibly uncomfortable as he looked down at me. Scratching the back of his head in confusion, he muttered, "You're acting like such a girl."
"Don’t cuss at me, Nate," I half cried, half sniffled. "I can't help it. And I am a girl!"
"I fixed it," he added, gentler now. "Nothing's gonna happen. You're totally safe. Scout's honor"
"Nate, you're bleeding," I wailed. A few short minutes ago, Nate looked fresh and clean when he picked me up on his bike. Now he was covered in dirt and had blood dripping down his cheek. "She beat on you, Nate." Tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of Becky Cole beating Nate to the ground with her fists. One silly game of catch and I'd ruined everything. Nate didn’t try and stop her either when she started hitting him. He took it like a man. That made it worse because he wasn’t a man. He was just a boy. Before tonight, I'd only seen Jackson take beatings from our Dad. Now, I knew Nate suffered a similar fate in his home.
"Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have brought you down here." With a heavy sigh, Nate walked over to where I was sitting and sank down beside me. "Girls like you don’t belong down here."
He was talking about Riverside – the trailer park he was from. It was a rough part of town, but I didn’t care about that. I came here tonight because I wanted to show Nate I was brave; that I wasn’t afraid to come down here. I wanted him to see that I could be tough like Jackson. I wanted him to like me.
"I threw the ball," I squeezed out, thinking about how it had all started. "I broke the window and you lied for me, Nate." Shaking my head, I looked up through teary eyes and asked, "Why'd you lie for me?"
"Because you're Adriana Davis," he muttered, red faced. Shoving his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, Nate stretched his feet out in front of him. "Come on, Andi. You know what my momma's like." He shrugged. "I can handle her."
"I could have handled her, too," I whispered. "At least she wouldn’t have hit me."
Nate looked at me with an incredulous expression. "It's my job to take care of you when Jackson's not around."
"What about when you get a girlfriend?" I dared to ask the question that had been burning inside of me for two months now. "Will we have to stop hanging out then?"
"What?" Nate shook his head and chuckled. "I am not getting a girlfriend, Andi."
"That's what Jackson said last summer," I replied solemnly. "And look at him now."
Nate scrunched his nose up in disgust. "I'm not Jackson."
"No," I whispered more to myself than him. "You're not." You're better…
"I better get you home," he said after a moment's silence. "It's getting dark out."
"I don’t want to go home." Reaching out, I caught hold of Nate's arm when he moved to get up and tugged him back down. He was getting bigger now and it was harder to wrestle him.
He turned to face me and frowned. "Why not?"
"Because if I go home then you'll have to go home, and I don’t want you getting beat on again." The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to think them over.
He smirked. "Andi, get up. I'm taking you home."
I shook my head. "No, Nate. I'm not going home."
"Get up, Andi," he growled, frowning now. "Come on. Stop being dumb."
"I'll only go home if you promise you'll stay with me," I shot back bravely.
"What?" He looked at me with a quizzical expression. "I can't stay with you."
"Why?"
"Because!" His cheeks turned bright pink. "You're a girl, Andi, and I can't." He stared hard at me for a moment before shaking his head. "No. I definitely can't."
"Why not?" I protested. "You stay over with Jackson all the time. Well, I'm your friend, too."
"He's a dude," he pointed out. "You're a girl. I… I can't stay with you."
Standing up, I wiped the dirt off my dress and took a step towards him. "You can bunk in my room. You can have my bed if you like? I'll sleep on the floor. It doesn’t matter. I promise I won't tell Jackson. Just please, don’t go back there to get beat on."
"I could get in real bad trouble for this, Andi," he whispered, brown eyes full of uncertainty. "You know what your daddy's like…"
"I won't tell if you don’t," I whispered. "Please, Nate? Promise me you'll stay?"
Nate looked hard at me for a long time before exhaling heavily. "Fine. I promise," he finally answered. "But I'll bunk on the floor..."
"IF YOU THINK YOU CAN turn this around on me then I'm not taking the bait, Nate," I spat, forcing myself back to the present.
"Who's turning anything around?" Nate shot back. "I did it. I fucked it up, but I'm not letting you leave me. No goddamn way."
"You can't expect me to stay with you now," I hissed. "You slept with my mom, Nate."
"I didn’t go out with the intention of banging her, Andi," Nate shot back defensively, interrupting me. "You have to know that."
"All I know is I trusted you and I'm a fool for it."
"You're nobody's fool, Adriana Davis."
"I'm a fool for you," I corrected him honestly. I wasn’t proud of the fact, but I wasn’t a liar either. When it came to Nathan, I was foolish and it showed. "I'm your fool, Nathan Cole."
"If you're a fool for me then what the hell am I for you?" he shot back, tone low and gruff.
"You are the guy who took my virginity but forgot to tell me that you had already slept with my mother." The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to filter them. "You were a big deal to me, Nate." You still are… "Being intimate with you was a huge deal for me." I breathed through the pain as the familiar sting of tears threatened. "But you'd already been with her." I shuddered.
"I'm sorry." Bowing his head in what I hope was shame, Nate roughly cleared his throat. "About her." Shaking his head, he glanced down at me, his brown eyes dark and full of regret. "You were never meant to find out."
"And that makes it better how?" I shot back, feeling ripped open and shred apart. "Sorry for screwing your mom, Andi, but in my defense, you weren't supposed to find out?" I shook my head in disgust. "Yeah, I feel tons better already."
"We weren't together," he countered angrily. "It's not like I went out and cheated on you. Damn, Andi, if anything, I was pro–"
"We were friends," I spat, interrupting him. "You were Jackson's best friend."
"Don’t you think I know that?" he spat. "Fuck!"
"Then why aren’t you sorry?" I demanded. "You've said the word, but I can see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice, Nathan." I glared at him. "You're not sorry."
"I am sorry," he was quick to reply. "I'm sorry you had to find out about it. I'm sorry that even though I did everything in my goddamn power to stop it from happening, you still ended up getting hurt." His voice was heated. Angry. "I am so damn sorry for ever putting my dick inside that woman, but I am not sorry for why I did it. And here's another thing I'm not sorry about." He stared hard at me. "I'm not sorry I took you that night at Kellerman's party. I'm sorry for being rough and careless and going all caveman on you, but I am not one bi
t sorry for being with you, Adriana. Not one fucking bit and I never will be."
"Then why'd you do it, Nate?" I heard myself whisper. "Why her?" Sagging against the wall behind me, I leaned my head back and stared up at his face. I was aching. I was throbbing in pain. This was breaking me like nothing ever had before and I knew I should run, but something inside me stayed, hoping that he could somehow explain his way out of this and make it right. Please make it right...
"You're beautiful," I added, brokenly, knotting my fingers in the fabric of his shirt. "And sexy and experienced. And I get it; I mean, it's not like I'm not aware of how appealing you are to women." I'd endured it for years. "But my mother?" I let out a ragged sigh. I wanted to push him away and pull him closer all at once. "Of all the people in the world you could have been with…"
"Your mom had something over me, Andi," he snarled then, eyes flashing with anger. "Something over my family. It's big, baby. It's fucking huge and it's real damn bad. I had to protect them, Andi. The girls are all I have. I couldn’t let them down…"
"I don’t understand any of this. I don’t, Nathan. Why would my mother do this?" I pressed my hand to my forehead in confusion. "Help me understand this."
"Christ," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I don’t even know how to say this."
"Just say it, Nathan," I spat.
"Okay. Fine. I fucked her for her silence," he tossed out angrily. "Your momma had some information I needed kept hidden, and I had something she'd been wanting to climb on since I hit puberty." He voice was cold and harsh when he said, "Contrary to the poison Dallas tried to plant in your mind the other night, it actually happened a long time ago."
I paled. "Nathan, you're eighteen years old." My blood ran cold. "How long ago could you be possibly talking about?"
He remained rigid and silent for a long time before exhaling a harsh breath. "Sophomore year."
"But you were only fifteen in sophomore year." The ground felt like it was moving beneath my feet.
"I was sixteen," he corrected quietly. "And it was one time."
"Why?"
"Why?" He frowned. "I just told you why."