by Knight, Amie
“I know I don’t know you, Scarlett.” His hand landed on my shoulder and my breath stopped. I was wearing a tank top and we were skin to skin. My stupid teenage heart almost stopped. And then he finished me off, practically killing me dead with his pure sweetness. “But I think you’re cool and I want to be friends. Is that okay?”
Was that okay? Was that okay! Of course it was. How could anyone tell this boy no? He was perfect. And God, I was doomed. I was going to turn into one of those girls. The ones who lost their minds when a boy was near.
But I couldn’t help myself. I just nodded and shrugged his hand off and started walking again.
I was relieved when we arrived at the back gate of the school so I could make my exit. I didn’t like that he seemed to have me pegged already and we’d only hung out twice and the first time only for mere minutes.
“Well, I’m going to head out.” I nodded toward the gate with my head before opening it up and stepping through.
Luk followed me out. “Since I can’t interest you in a ride, I guess I’ll just walk you home.” And then he did it. He nudged my shoulder with his in that way friends did when they shared an inside joke or were picking on each other.
The butterflies were back in my belly and my face was warm and it had nothing to do with the humidity. That was it for me. That’s all it had taken for my poor fourteen-year-old heart to be claimed. A boy asking to be my friend and a simple shoulder nudge.
“You’re pissing Ms. Lettie off.” Ella was perched on the couch watching an old rerun of General Hospital. The girl loved her soaps. She wasn’t even looking at me, but I definitely knew she was talking to me. Because Ella didn’t say anything unless she had something to say and it seemed like right now she was the one who was pissed, not Ms. Lettie.
“Quit swearing.” I was cutting up a salad and watching the chicken bake in the oven of my momma’s old kitchen. The house I had grown up in. The house I’d probably die in. God, she was worried about me pissing her teacher off and here I was worried that my life was a fucking mess. I couldn’t even begin to think about Ella’s beloved Ms. Lettie. She was the least of my worries.
“Piss isn’t a swear word. There’s a note in my bag.” She finally looked at me. “You missed another meeting.” Ella was a child of few words, but the ones she said always counted for a lot. But she was always listening and she always, always knew what was going on.
Fuck. But it was just a long list of shit I was fucking up every day. I didn’t how my mom did it. Took care of two kids by herself most of her life and worked every day. I was past the point of struggling and I’d only been doing this for three months.
I put the knife down and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room until I stood directly in front of the TV. Ella looked up at me with her sweet, almond-shaped eyes and my heart broke. I was screwing this whole thing up and she didn’t deserve it. She needed more than I could give her. My work schedule was grueling. I was forgetful. I was terrible at juggling family and football. She needed more. She needed her mother. I needed mine. And at that point I would have pretty much given anything in the world to bring my momma back. To make this better for all of us. Because the truth of it was, we sucked without her. She completed this family. Made it better. Made us whole.
“Where is your bag?”
She stared at me and then back at the screen like she was looking right through me. “Come on, Ells. Detective Chase is going to have to wait today. I need your bag and the letter.”
Nothing. So I turned and shut the TV off. And her face. Man, it looked like she wanted to punch me in the nose, but instead she stood and went to her room, then came back quickly and shoved her schoolbag right into my stomach before storming back the way she came.
I took a long, deep breath, trying to keep my shit together but feeling at my wits’ end.
Dear Mr. Callihan,
This is the second time you have missed Ella’s parent/teacher conference for this quarter. The first time you missed our meeting, I assumed it was an oversight on your part and now I can only assume you have a blatant disregard for my time. So that no more of my valuable time is wasted, I thought maybe we could schedule a phone conference since you are so obviously busy. Please contact me Tuesday thru Thursday evenings from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. only.
Regards,
Ms. Lettie
Her phone number was followed by her very abrupt sign off. I stared at the letter in my hand. Wasted her time? She thought I did this on purpose? The sheer gall of the crazy woman. I didn’t care if Ella liked her or not. She was insane. Certifiable. Teachers didn’t send letters home like this, did they? Didn’t she know that Ella’s mother had passed and I’d had to take over? Did the woman not have a freaking heart? I was in the middle of my meltdown when my cell phone rang.
I was so engrossed in the letter, I picked the phone up without bothering to look who was calling.
“Hello,” I said, still glancing over the letter like I’d misunderstood something. Because surely this letter wasn’t real. Because fuck, this lady wasn’t nice.
“Luk.”
Fuck me running. It was Aunt Merline and I knew exactly why she was calling because she’d been calling every week since my mother had passed and every week we’d had the same damn conversation.
“Hey, Aunt Merline.” I tried to sound upbeat, goddamn jovial. Anything to stave off the inevitable conversation I knew was coming.
“How’s Ella?”
That’s how she always started it.
“She’s good. Just watching her soaps.” I was the worst liar in the history of liars and even Aunt Merline could tell.
“No problems?” Her voice was laced with accusation. I’d made the mistake of confiding in her the first few weeks I’d moved home to take care of Ella. I should have known better. Now, she was using everything I’d told her about how hard of an adjustment it had been against me.
I couldn’t hold in my sigh. “I don’t have time for this, Merline. Did you have a reason for your call?”
“If you let me take care of Ella, you’d have all the time in the world. You could go back to playing for that fancy ass football team in Florida instead of that second rate team you’ve had to settle for here.” She paused for added drama. “You could have your career back.”
My fist clenched, inadvertently smashing the letter from Ms. Lettie. It always made me so angry when Aunt Merline talked about me abandoning Ella. Because that’s exactly what it would be to her. I couldn’t fathom it. No matter how bad I sucked at being a stand-in for my mother.
“It’s not what Mom wanted, Merline.” I had to bring out the big guns. She wasn’t backing down. We all always knew how this scenario would play out. I thought I would be older and probably retired from football. I thought Ella would be older, too, but time and fate weren’t on our side and I wasn’t sure that God was anymore either. My faith in everything had taken a nosedive the last three months.
My mother had always made her wishes clear. In the event that anything happened to her or when it inevitably did because it was the way of things, parents died before their children, I would take Ella. I’d always known it. From the time I turned eighteen and my mother had a talk with me about it.
She’d been torn up about it and had even used the word burden. But I’d assured her Ella could never be a burden. I loved her. Of course I’d take care of her. And she wasn’t a burden now. I just sucked at this. Bad. Way more than I could have ever anticipated. If anyone was a burden, it was me. I was the burden.
“Your mother had no idea she would be leaving this earth at the pinnacle of your career or when Ella needed her the most. It’s not fair to either of you. Please, Lukas, let me help you.”
I laid the letter from Ms. Stick-up-her-ass on the counter and used my fingers to massage my temples. “You can’t help us, Merline. We just need to get the hang of things.” No, the only person who could help us was gone.
Ella had come back in the room at so
me point while I was on the phone and I looked over at her watching her soaps and acting like she wasn’t listening to this very conversation and I knew she was. She heard everything. She shouldn’t have to listen to this shit on top of everything else. It killed me.
Merline was prattling on about how much help she could be if I would just let her take Ella and as I watched Ella, all I could think about was how she hadn’t grieved properly. It was like she was totally in denial of Mom’s passing. She didn’t talk about it. Didn’t cry about it and most definitely was in denial. I’d tried to take her to counseling, but children with Downs were as notoriously stubborn as they were sweet. She’d flat out refused to talk to anyone, instead opting to completely ignore the therapist their entire sessions.
And that was the kick in the ass for me. It wasn’t that I was playing for a mediocre football team or that I’d had to uproot my life. I’d do it again in a skinny minute for Ella. It was that Ella was floundering and I had no fucking idea how to fix it. She was breaking my damn heart.
“Listen, Aunt Merline, I need to go.” I didn’t bother saying goodbye, knowing she’d call back tomorrow with even more reasons that I should let her have Ella. I knew she meant well. She loved Ella, but fuck, I loved her, too, and Mom wanted me to do this. She knew I could do this. I just had to figure out how.
Picking up the piece of paper, I walked to the living room and sat beside Ella on the couch. She didn’t even glance my way. It gutted me, but I had to admit I’d sucked the first month after Mom’s death. I’d been dealing with my own shit and hardly noticed how she was coping.
I placed my arm on the back of the couch behind Ella. “Bring it in, Ellie Bellie.”
She turned her head slowly to mine. She was wearing her eyeglasses and the lenses were Coke bottle thick. She was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. I loved her more than football. More than Miami in the summer. More than anything in the world.
“I said bring it in.”
“I heard you.” She turned back to the TV. “I’m watching Detective Chase right now.”
I let out a long sigh. Lukas Callihan, amazing quarterback, had fucking nothing on Detective Chase from General Hospital and Ella made sure I fucking knew that shit every chance she got. She’d been obsessed with him for years and even told me on more than one occasion that he was her boyfriend and she was going to marry him.
I sat up and grabbed the remote from the table and paused the TV. “Can Detective Chase wait just a minute? I need to talk to you.”
She sighed dramatically like it was the end of the world and leaned back on the sofa, which allowed me to wrap my arm around her and bring her to my chest.
She nestled in, despite herself. We’d been doing this her whole life. I doubt she even realized she did it. It was just second nature.
“You ready to talk about Mom yet?” I asked into the top of her sweet apple smelling hair. She always smelled like fruit. She loved long baths with bath bombs and body sprays and lotions from Bath and Body Works.
I was met with complete silence. So, in Ella speak, I knew that meant hell to the no she didn’t want to talk about it.
“Well, when you’re ready, I’m ready.” I uncrumpled the letter from Ms. Lettie in my hand and smoothed it out, showing Ella I was serious. I never could just tell her anything. I had to prove it. “I’m sorry I missed your conference again today.” I sucked in a shaky breath. I wasn’t used to apologizing to her. Up until three months ago, she’d looked up to me like I was a hero straight out of an action movie. Now, it was like we were miles apart. I wasn’t even sure if she liked me anymore. “I know I’ve been fucking up, Ells. I’m going to work on it. I’m going to be better, okay?”
Still she said nothing, so I pointed to the part of the letter where her teacher had left her phone number. “I’m going to call Ms. Lettie tomorrow night and talk about how you’re doing in school. And I promise I won’t miss anymore meetings.”
She snuggled further down into me and I wrapped both of my arms around her, hugging her to me. “I’m sorry, Ella.”
I’d cried two times in my entire life. The day Ella had been born and the day my mother had died. So, I was shocked when my eyes welled up. God, I needed help and not the kind where I just passed Ella off to someone. She needed stability and me. It was why I had moved home instead of sweeping Ella away to Florida with me. Children with Down syndrome thrived when they had a strict routine. I knew uprooting her from her home and school after losing her mother would be too much. I’d just have to uproot my own life and I did.
Her small arms came around mine. “Just be nice to Ms. Lettie. I love her. Don’t make her mad anymore.”
Using my hand to rub the back of her soft brown hair, I promised. “I won’t. I’ll be nice to your teacher and I won’t miss anymore meetings and we are going to get through this because we are together and that’s all that matters.”
“Okay, Lulu.”
I grinned at her nickname for me even though it made my heart wrench. My mother had called me that for as long as I could remember. She didn’t care that as I got older it embarrassed me. She’d yell it out in the middle of a park and I’d want to crawl under the mulch to hide. Now, I just wanted to hear it one more time.
But I still had Ella and that was a hell of a lot. I looked down at her tiny frame against my large one. She was little and short like my mom while I was big and tall like my dad. In that moment with her arms wrapped around me, I was acutely aware of all I had lost and exactly how precious what I had left was. I needed to step up my game. And I wasn’t talking about on the field.
Age 14
I wasn’t freaking out. Not even a little bit. I mean, lots and lots of girls had probably sat across from Lukas at the dining room table in his house. Oh. My. God. No, I wasn’t going to have a heart attack. We were just studying for French and I was totally playing it cool. Because we’d been doing this thing for just over a month and I was totally used to Lukas and his devastatingly good looks and sweet nature. I was so over him. My crush was yesterday’s news. Today was a new day and that meant I didn’t even hardly notice him adorably chewing the pink eraser on the top of his pencil while he read from his textbook.
“What do you think, Red?”
I blushed down to my toes because I hadn’t heard a word he’d been saying. I’d been too busy giving myself the pep talk I always did when we were together, except this time I was at his house. I’d never been to a boy’s home, and definitely not a boy like Lukas.
I looked down at my own book and let my scarlet hair cover my flaming face before answering. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was daydreaming.”
Lord have mercy on my stupid mouth. Why did I say daydreaming like a damn fool?
He snickered. “Yeah, what are you daydreaming about? Or should I say who?”
That little comment had my head jerking up and my eyes flying to his in a panic. Did he know? But how could he? I’d been playing it totally cool until, ya know? Today. When he’d decided we should meet at his house after practice because he had a test the next day and wanted to study for it, I’d stupidly agreed, like I did for just about anything he wanted because I was officially one of those silly girls who adored a boy who hardly noticed me.
And now he was looking at me with a hitch to his lips that told me he knew exactly what I was thinking about. A certain knowing sparkle twinkled in his brown eyes. Oh, man. He was seriously about to call me out on my crush. And I couldn’t bear it. I would die of embarrassment.
I knew what he saw when he looked back at me. Wide green eyes, pale, white face. Paler than usual, I mean. Because I wanted to melt into the floor. I’d do pretty much anything to get out of this very moment.
“You were daydreaming about a boy, right?” His eyebrows danced suggestively and I tried to swallow, but my throat felt too dry.
A nervous tickle started at the back of my throat that turned into a full-on coughing fit. The kind of coughing that had Luk jumping from his seat a
nd pounding on my back even though I tried to wave him off.
“I’ll get you some water.” He went to the kitchen that was just off the dining room. I could see him getting some water from the tap through the bar that separated the dining room from the kitchen. After he filled the glass he made his way back to me.
“Sorry,” I croaked, taking the glass of water and throwing some back.
“It’s okay.” He was grinning like a knowing fool while taking his seat again. “You okay?”
“Perfectly fine. My spit just went down the wrong pipe.” For the love of God. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to turn into a mindless nitwit when he was around? I bet those sexy older girls he drove around in his truck didn’t talk about their spit.
“Sure it did.” His voice dripped of disbelief, but I chose to ignore it. I was of the mindset deny deny deny and avoid avoid avoid.
“Okay. Now, what did you ask me?” I wanted to get back to work and off the subject of my daydreams, but Lukas couldn’t be swayed.
“Come on, Red. You can tell me. I thought we were friends.” He poked out his bottom lip and his brown eyes instantly transformed into sweet puppy dog eyes. Heck, I almost wanted to reach across the table and give his head a good rub. He was still sweaty and dirty from practice, but that wouldn’t deter me. I was willing to take one for the team.
And he had to go and call me Red again. It did make me feel like we were friends. Like we were something more than just study partners. It made me feel like what we had was special. After all, he had a nickname for me. One that wasn’t just about my red hair. No, he’d made sure to tell me he thought it fit me, my personality. And all that did was serve to make me like him even more. Damn him.
I almost stuck my finger out and pushed that bottom lip back in. Instead, I turned the page in my book and pretended to play dumb.