by Knight, Amie
He stopped and looked at me. “Twin.”
“Fuck, man.”
“Lulu, watch your mouth,” Ella called from the living room.
“Sorry, Ells!” I called back, seasoning the steak.
“So, have you heard from Scarlett?” Mason changed the subject.
“Nope.”
He shook his head. “See. No game. You shoulda let me try.”
I threw a piece of garlic at his head and then picked up my phone, sending yet another text, this time asking if I could take her ballroom dancing again. What could I say, I was desperate. And desperate times called for desperate measures.
Another missing toilet paper roll, another day. That was the mantra of my life lately. It was the weekend and once again, I’d woken up to a missing toilet paper roll in my bathroom, no replacement. Curious, I checked the trash bin to see if the only other person in this house had thrown it away and it was nowhere to be found.
I’d had practice, so I hadn’t had a chance to look around more, but now I was a man on a mission. This morning, I was feeling pretty good. Scarlett had let me go to ballroom dancing with her again this week. She’d even let me pick her up. She’d even signed us up for a Salsa class tonight. Turned out, she was pretty impressed by my dancing skills. I was tearing down walls and feeling damn good about it. I had a feeling I was pretty close to getting a kiss, too. I’d never been this excited for a simple kiss, but I guess that was what happened when the woman you were falling for all over again withheld something you really fucking wanted. And I wanted her kiss like I wanted my next breath.
But it was afternoon now and I was trying not to think about that as I scoured the house for the missing empty toilet paper rolls. I checked all the trash cans and walked past the porch where Ella was, doing her Zumba in some colorful leggings to the TV mounted on the wall out in the lanai.
I searched the kitchen drawers and the TV cabinet, curious. Taking one more look out at Ella to make sure she was still out there, I headed to her room to do the most awful thing I’d ever done. I was invading her privacy. It made me feel like a damn sneaky ass parent spy, but I guess that wasn’t too far from the truth.
I checked all of her dresser drawers and her closet before lying on the floor and looking under the bed.
I pulled out a long clothing container that was surprisingly light. I lifted the lid and then stared down at approximately five thousand billion empty toilet paper rolls, some paper towel ones, too, that I’d apparently not noticed going missing. What in the hell was happening? Why was she storing all these empty paper rolls in her room under her bed? Ella had done some odd shit before, but this took the fucking cake.
“Why you in my room?”
I looked up from the floor to find one pissed off Ella over me. I hadn’t even heard her come in. I’d been too absorbed in the mountain of questions I had about all the rolls under her bed.
I leaned back until I was sitting on the floor because I wanted to appear as non-threatening as possible. If she got her hackles up now, we’d never have a rational conversation about this craziness.
“I was looking for something.”
Her eyes narrowed behind her thick glasses. “Under my bed?”
“Well, yes. I was looking for the toilet paper roll from my bathroom.” I motioned to the bin full of them. “And I think I found it.” I was trying to crack a joke and keep it light, but she wasn’t having it.
She marched over to me in her colorful leggings and put the lid back on the tub and shoved it back under the bed with her foot. “Out, Lulu!”
I stood up while she watched me like a hawk and then I sat down again, only this time on the side of her bed.
“I said out!”
“No, Ella. I’m staying because I think we need to talk. Want to sit here next to me on the bed?”
She looked at me like she wanted to say no, but she finally sat, as far away from me as she could, looking at the wall in front of her instead of me.
“Hey, Ells. Can you look at me?”
She turned her eyes to mine and my heart felt like it was in my throat. God, I loved her. She was really all I had left. I loved her surly moods and ridiculous need to watch old episodes of soap operas. I loved taking care of her. And even though doing it and having a career was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It may have been selfish keeping her instead of handing her off to another family member, but I didn’t care. I needed her as much as she needed me.
“Why are there a million empty toilet paper rolls under your bed?”
She looked down at her hands as she twisted them around her lap. I waited for her to answer. Sometimes she just needed a little time. And she did.
“Momma and I take those to the community center. The kids use them for crafts.”
I smiled because she and my momma were about the sweetest things ever. “Well, that’s okay, Ells. We can drop them at the community center tomorrow.” Problem solved and it turned out this wasn’t that weird at all.
She shook her head. “No.” She looked me in the eye. “Momma and I always drop them.”
My heart left my throat and settled right in the pit of my stomach like lead. No. I wasn’t ready to do this. I’d known it was coming. She hadn’t really dealt with Mom’s death. She’d been there, at the funeral, mostly emotionless. Merline had been convinced she didn’t understand. But I knew my sister. She understood. She just didn’t want to.
I kept my voice light. “Well, since Momma can’t, I’ll take you.”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Okay, then what do you plan to do with all the rolls under your bed, Ella? Are you keeping them forever?”
“No, Momma is going to take me.”
I was going to be sick. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t. But I had to. It was time. She couldn’t keep denying even if it did make her feel better at the moment.
I reached my hands out. I wanted to hold her while we talked. “Come here, Ellie Bellie.”
She shook her head adamantly, almost angrily, and I swallowed hard.
“Okay. Cool. We can talk like this.” I looked at her pale pink bedding covering her queen bed. Her elaborate white furniture that almost looked like a princess’s. She even had a sparkly chandelier over her bed. I was about to break this princess’s heart. It killed me.
My nose burned with emotion. “Momma’s not coming back.” There. I said it. I was sure it hurt me almost as much as it hurt her.
Her head snapped to me angrily, her words biting, her emotion wounding me. “She is coming home, Lulu. She told me.”
I scooted closer to her on the bed, my heart bleeding for her and not understanding at all. I reached out a hand and cradled the side of her face. “What did she tell you?”
A tear slipped from behind her glasses and I wiped it with my thumb. “Come on, Ells. What did Mom tell you?”
Another tear from the other eye and trembling lip almost did me in. “She told me”—she stopped, sucking in air or courage or something—“she told me she would never leave me.”
She fell forward onto herself, big hiccupping sobs echoing through the room, and I felt tears hit my own eyes as I pulled her into my lap.
I cradled her close to me and rocked her just like I had when she was a baby. One tear slipped down my cheek for every sob that left her mouth. Because I got it. I did. I missed Mom, too, but it was high time we dealt with it. We couldn’t hide from it forever.
“Oh, baby. Momma didn’t want to leave us. Especially you. She loved you so much.”
“But she promised, Lulu. She promised she would never leave me,” she cried into my T-shirt.
“But death isn’t a choice, Ells. She would have stayed with you forever if she could have. Never doubt that.”
“It’s not fair.”
Her broken voice splintered my heart. Still rocking her, I whispered, “I know. I know,” over and over because what else could I do? Life wasn’t fucki
ng fair and I didn’t dare tell her everything was going to be okay. Because I wasn’t making anymore promises I couldn’t keep. I wouldn’t do that to her.
We rocked like that for what felt like endless minutes, just me and my baby sister wishing for our momma to come home, so we could be somewhat normal again.
And when Ella finally quieted, I prayed that now she understood. I kissed the top of her head.
“You know we’re gonna be all right, right?” I whispered into her hair and rubbed her back. “As long as we have each other, everything is going to be fine.”
She said nothing but it was enough for me that I knew she heard me.
I held her for a long while, until she finally fell asleep in my arms as I leaned back against her royal headboard. And when I was sure she was good and out, I slid out from under her and got to my feet, putting the pale pink blanket at the foot of her bed over her body.
I walked to the kitchen feeling like I’d been hit harder by grief than any fucking linebacker. I grabbed my cell off the table and as much as it pained me I canceled my ballroom dancing night out with Scarlett.
Ella needed me at home tonight and there wasn’t a question in my mind on where I should be.
I got Scarlett’s reply while I was loading the dishwasher.
Scarlett: Something wrong?
I fired one back immediately. I didn’t want to worry her or for her to think I didn’t want to see her. Because I did. All the damn time.
Me: Ella’s having a hard day. I think she needs me at home. That’s all.
I didn’t hear back from her, so I started a pot of chili for dinner and did some laundry. I was kind of rocking this stand-in dad thing, if you asked me. It had been a hard day, but I’d powered through. And when Ella woke up from her nap, she seemed to be in better spirits.
We parked our asses on the couch the rest of the day and watched old reruns of Charmed on Netflix. I was only a little embarrassed at how much I liked it.
We were still on the couch and halfway through our bowls of chili with a side of cornbread when the doorbell rang.
Ella didn’t even budge, so I set my bowl down on the coffee table and made my way to the door, grumbling about that bastard Mason interrupting my dinner yet again.
To say I was surprised when I opened the door to find Scarlett there in a pair of black leggings and a sweatshirt holding a baking dish would be an understatement.
“Hey,” I said, dumbfounded, standing in front of the door and not even thinking to invite her in.
She raised her brows and gave me a close-lipped smile. “Hey,” she said back, pushing the pan in my hand toward me. “I brought some brownies.”
It finally registered that she was here to hang out with me. She’d brought us brownies. I moved out of the doorway and motioned with my hand for her to step inside. “Come on in.”
We passed by the kitchen and she placed the pan on the counter and I inhaled the smell of brownies and my Red, already feeling better about my day.
“We’re having chili and cornbread if you want to join us for dinner.”
She looked around nervously. “Oh, I wasn’t going to stay. I was just dropping off the brownies.”
“You didn’t have to bring me brownies to see me, baby,” I joked.
“Oh, I didn’t. Those are for Ella,” she deadpanned and I threw my head back and laughed.
“Ms. Lettie,” Ella called, racing into the room. “What are you doing here?” She went in for a hug that Scarlett was happy to give her.
“I brought you some brownies.”
“Yay! Lulu made chili. Stay. It’s good.” And just like that she was done with us. She headed back into the living room and hit play on Charmed.
“That didn’t seem like a request,” she mumbled, looking around the room awkwardly. She rocked up on her toes and back. “Well, it looks like I’m staying.”
“Have you had dinner?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, well, get yourself settled in the living room and I’ll bring you some food.”
I finished whipping up some food for Scarlett and walked into the living room to find my girls parked on the couch together, totally engrossed in a very old episode of Charmed. My girls. Holy fuck. Realizing I wanted that to be true more than anything rocked my world.
I handed Scarlett her bowl and sat down so Ella was in the middle of us. We ate quietly until Ella excused herself for her nightly bath.
As soon as we could hear the bath water running, Scarlett set her bowl on the coffee table and asked, “What happened today?”
I sucked in a long breath before letting it go and leaned back on the couch. “I found a huge container of empty toilet paper rolls under her bed.”
She stared at me for ten seconds straight. “I’m sorry. I’m not following.”
“She said she and Mom always take them to the community center downtown.”
She nodded. “Go on.”
“She’s been hoarding them, Red. I offered to help her take them and she said no. Said Mom was taking her.”
Her face fell. “Oh, no, Lukas.”
“Yeah, it fucking sucked. She cried. I cried. It was awful.”
She scooted closer to me and laid her hand over mine that was resting on my knee. “I’m so sorry, Luk. That must have been terrible.”
I turned my hand over and lined my fingers up with hers before lacing them together. I didn’t give a shit if she wanted to hold my hand. I needed it. So I took it. “It was. But part of me is glad it happened. She was just pretending Momma was still here. It wasn’t healthy, but it also tore me up to see her like that today.”
Our hands still intertwined in my lap, she leaned in until her head was on my shoulder. “You’re doing a great job. Your momma would be so proud of you.”
I rested my head on the top of hers and breathed in her fruity scent. It calmed me and I wondered if Momma would be proud or if I was just fucking everything up. “I don’t know, Red. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing more bad than good. Some days around here are a fucking doozy. Sometimes, I wonder if Ella would be better off with someone who could give her all the things she needs.”
She leaned up, looking at me, our faces close. “What is it you think she needs?”
“I don’t know.”
She brought her hand up and cradled the side of my face, her thumb caressing the apple of my cheek. “She just needs you, Luk. That’s it. Stop overcomplicating things, honey.”
Honey. Fuck me. I wanted to kiss her more than anything in the world in that moment. I wanted to get lost in her lips and smell and warmth for just one night. Like Ella, I just wanted to pretend for a bit.
Scarlett’s head crept toward me, but instead of pressing her lips to mine, she gave me a long, slow kiss to the cheek she wasn’t holding. I closed my eyes and soaked up that kiss like I would the sun on a day at the beach.
She pulled back and let my face go. “Y’all are gonna be okay. I promise.”
“But what happens if I fuck up?”
She laughed. “Oh, you’re gonna fuck up.”
I lay back and looked at the ceiling. “Great.”
“We all fuck up. The important thing is to not give up. When you make a mistake on the field, you just try to do better next time. Right, Mister Quarterback? There’s always next game, next season, even.” She patted my thigh. “You got this.”
The next season. I nodded. She was right. Fuck, but she was perfect. Every second. Every moment. Every hour I was falling for her more—harder. “When are you going to let me take you out?”
She grinned. “I don’t know.” She picked at a piece of imaginary lint on her leggings. “I haven’t thought about it,” she finished haughtily.
I grinned back. “Liar.”
A banging on the door followed by the creak of the door interrupted us.
“Knock, knock, it’s me!” Mason called out, coming on inside the house like he owned the place. “Something smells good!”
“Su
re, come on in,” I said sarcastically because the motherfucker was already in my house.
Scarlett was giggling as he entered the room. He looked at her, then gave me big eyes before looking back at her. “Well, hello there, Scar. What are you doing here?”
She nodded toward the kitchen. “I brought brownies over.”
He patted his hard stomach through his T-shirt. “Well, shit, brownies and chili. It’s my lucky day.”
“Go on, help yourself. You know where everything is,” I said.
Mason went to the kitchen as Ella came out of the bathroom and joined us in the living room again. She was decked out in fuzzy fleece pajamas and zebra slippers. She looked adorable and made sure to squish right between Scarlett and me, causing us to scoot over. Scarlett tried to hold in a giggle as she moved over and I smiled my face off.
Ella hit play on Netflix and Mason joined us.
“Sweet! Charmed!” he said, settling in next to me with his food. The sectional was pretty filled up.
“We’re going to regret eating all this shit tomorrow at practice,” I said to Mason as the girls watched TV next to us.
“Worth it,” he mumbled back.
“Ms. Lettie?” Ella piped in quietly.
Scarlett’s gaze met Ella’s. “What’s up, Ellie Bellie?”
“Will you take me to the community center tomorrow to drop off my paper rolls?”
My breath caught somewhere in my chest. And fuck if my eyes didn’t sting. And damn it if my nose didn’t burn. I swallowed down the huge lump of emotion in my throat. Because I was not crying in front of Mason’s crazy ass. He would never let me live it down.
My Red lifted her arms and wrapped them around Ella. She brought Ella’s head to her chest and squeezed her tight. Her wet eyes met mine over Ella’s head and that look, that pure sweetness was like a shot right to my heart.
I was in love with her. There was no denying it. The girl with the Skittles. The sassy redhead who was terrible at ballroom dancing. The loving woman with her arms wrapped around my sister. She owned me. Heart. Body. And soul. She just didn’t know it yet and I was done waiting on her to realize it.