by Knight, Amie
He looked at the array of pregnancy tests he had placed on the bed beside him. “I can’t tell.”
I laughed and laid my head back down on his chest. We were going to be okay. Because that was what Lukas did. He made things okay for the people he loved. And he loved me. I was eaten up with warmth.
“So, I’m guessing you’re not sick.”
“Nope, just knocked up.”
“Well, good. Then I can take you to the house for dinner. Ella was missing you.”
I leaned back in his lap. “Why’d you stop by, anyway?”
“To check on you. See if you needed anything.” He pushed some hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead. At that moment, I would have married him five thousand times in a hundred different ways knocked up or not.
And that pretty much summed up my favorite quarterback. He’d come by to check on me and see if I needed anything and ended up saving the damn day. I was one lucky girl.
It was the third game of the season. We were at home and we finally weren’t playing like complete shit. Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t have a chance in hell at the playoffs, but the boys were coming around and so was I. We were finally starting to click. They didn’t all hate the fucking sight of me. As a matter of fact, some of them even liked me. But better than any of that, we were playing well. Together. Which was a hell of a lot more than we were doing a few months ago.
It was halftime and I looked up into the stands. I’d somehow managed to get all the kids in Ella’s class and their parents tickets. It had taken some begging and finagling on my part, but seeing all of them up there with Scarlett had been worth it.
I waved and Red gave me a big smile and nudged Ella to get her attention. I gave her a wave, too.
“Get your head in the game, asshole.” Mason smacked my helmet.
“I don’t know what game you’re at, but we are killing it today.”
He smacked the other side of my helmet. “Let’s keep it that way.”
I hadn’t told him yet even though I’d wanted to, but Scarlett said that we shouldn’t. We were having a baby. Me and Scarlett. A family with Ella. It was almost too damn good to be true. I wanted to propose to her right this moment, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her and it seemed that she was plenty overwhelmed with just the shock of having a baby at the moment. The other stuff would come. I could be patient or at least I told myself that. I was happier than I’d been in a long damn time.
Halftime was almost over when I heard a commotion in the stands. I looked up to find a crowd huddled around where Scarlett and Ella were sitting, but I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything but a huge mass of people.
Taking my helmet off, I tried to scour the stands again and noticed a medic running down the stairs nearby.
“I have to go,” I said to no one and ran from the field, football be damned. My family was up there. My sister. My woman. My unborn baby.
I ran, pushing through people who yelled my name. I had to get there. By the time I made it to the entrance to where I knew they were sitting in the bleachers, two medics were pushing a stretcher out, Ella strapped to it, completely unconscious. Scarlett was right behind, white as a ghost, tears in her eyes.
“What happened?” I rushed to Ella, looking down at her body, so still. It scared the hell out of me.
“I don’t know,” Scarlett said. “We were standing there and then all of a sudden she fainted. She hit her head, I think.”
“Excuse me, sir,” one of the medics interrupted, but I could barely hear him. I couldn’t focus. “She’s breathing and vitals are good. We just haven’t been able to wake her up yet. We’re going to take her downtown to Baptist General to get her checked out. Might have just fainted from too much sun.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. This was my fault.
“I can ride to the hospital with her, Luk. You can go back. You have a game.” Scarlett looked shaken enough without having to handle this all on her own. Ella was my responsibility and besides, I’d never be able to play a decent game knowing she was being rushed to the hospital.
“Ride with her. I need to get out of my pads and uniform and grab my wallet. I’ll meet you guys there.”
“Okay,” she said, looking shaken. I kissed her quickly on the lips and told her the only thing I could. “I love you.”
I never once thought about football or my team needing me. No, I thought about Ella and if I really was doing what was right for her. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. What if something was seriously wrong with her? How could I handle that? She was the only family I had left besides Aunt Merline. I couldn’t lose Ella.
I dialed up Aunt Merline on the way and let her know Ella was at the hospital. It was the right thing to do. She loved her, even if she did drive me crazy. And maybe she was right. Maybe I didn’t know what I was doing. Maybe Mom was wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t be caring for Ella. I couldn’t even make sure she got on and off the bus every day. I had to have help. Merline could do all of that.
By the time I made it to the hospital and back into a room with Ella and Scarlett, I’d worked myself up into a nervous wreck.
“Has the doctor been in yet?” I asked, rushing to Ella. She was still knocked out cold, but they had her hooked up to machines that were monitoring her.
“Not yet,” Scarlett said, coming to stand at my side and wrapping her arms around me. “God, she scared me to death.”
I rubbed the top of Ella’s head. “Wake up, baby girl,” I said. Seeing her like this was breaking my heart.
“Was she acting weird? Complaining about anything? Not feeling well?” Fuck, I felt like I was being accusatory, but I just needed to know what the fuck happened.
“No, nothing. She was fine and then all of a sudden she fell and hit her head on the concrete. One of the parents rushed to find a medic and that’s it, Luk.”
“Fuck,” I breathed out, reaching out for Ella’s hand, closing my eyes. And I prayed. I prayed that nothing major was wrong. And promised God all kinds of promises I didn’t even know if I could keep if he made everything okay.
The doctor came in shortly after. He tried waking up Ella to no avail and panic ran rampant through my veins. He informed us they were going to run tests and take blood and left again. I was practically in hysterics. What would happen if she never woke up? What if I never heard her voice again? I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was being smothered.
“Luk.” I barely heard Scarlett call. “Luk!” she said louder this time, placing her palms on my cheeks. “Are you okay, honey?”
Shaking my head, I pulled away. “I’m fine. I just need to know she’s going to be okay.”
I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I’d forgotten how you could lose everything in a split second. Maybe I’d been too happy. Maybe I couldn’t have it all. The career and the family.
I looked over at Scarlett, who looked dead on her feet. She was pregnant with my baby. I had to keep Scarlett and that baby safe at all costs. “I can stay here, baby. Why don’t you go home and rest?”
She gave me a look that said I’d lost my damn mind. “You’re insane. I’m not leaving this hospital until I know Ella is okay.”
“But the ba—” I tried to argue, but she cut me off.
“The baby is fine and agrees with me.” Her face dared me to argue more, but the truth was I didn’t have it in me. I felt wrung out and hung to dry.
I didn’t have time to argue anyway because Merline came flying into the room like a bat out of hell.
The first thing she did was hug me and I felt the burn of tears in my nose. My aunt loved me and she loved Ella, even if she did rag on us.
“How is she?” she asked.
“Aunt Merline?” I heard from behind me and I swear my heart jumped right out of my chest. Ella was awake.
I raced to her. I’m not ashamed to admit that I jumped in front of Aunt Merline. She’d just have to wait her damn turn. “Hey, Ells,�
�� I said, rubbing her cheek. “How you feeling?”
“Okay,” she answered, looking around. “Where are we?”
Scarlett jumped in. “The hospital. You fell and got a bump on your head at the game.”
“Oh, no.” Ella looked distressed.
“You’re okay now, baby.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“I’m thirsty.” Typical Ella.
We found a nurse to get some water and ice chips and waited on the doctor to come back with results. And the results weren’t terrible. They weren’t great, but they were at least something we could work with.
He informed us Ella had Sinoatrial Node Disease or SND. SND presented itself more in people with Down syndrome as they aged. And we all knew Ella was getting older. Hell, she’d just had a birthday. She’d passed out because the electrical signals of her sino-atrial, which is the area of specialized cells in Ella’s heart that functioned as a natural pacemaker, wasn’t functioning properly, causing her heartbeats to be irregular. Sometimes too slow, which could result in dizziness and fainting.
Lucky for us, he thought that a steady dose of antiarrhythmic meds would help. He said that one day, Ella may need a pacemaker, but for now we would just play it by ear. The doc got her started on meds and asked for medical history. He asked if she’d had any history of this in the past. I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t know for sure. I’d only been home months, but my mother told me everything. We were close. I would have known if something was wrong with Ella’s heart, wouldn’t I?
The doctor wanted to keep Ella overnight and monitor and get her meds started, so I agreed to take Scarlett home and grab the medical records as long as Merline stayed with her while I was gone and returned to sleep at the hospital with Ella for the night. I didn’t care about football or the team. All I cared about was making sure Ella was safe, healthy, happy.
I was anxious to get to the house and back, but Merline asked to speak to me in the hall privately before I left.
I’d never noticed how old my aunt Merline looked. She was my mother’s older sister by twenty years and lately she was really starting to age. Her hair that used to be mostly brown was almost white now. Her frame frail.
She started in on me right away. “I don’t want you to misunderstand. I’m not blaming you for what happened today.”
I sighed deeply right down to my damn soul because I couldn’t do this right now. I was weary to my damn bones. I wanted to get home and get my shit and get back here to be with my sister.
She went on. “But, Luk. I just don’t understand why you don’t let me take care of Ella. It’s not like you couldn’t come and see her. I’d take good care of her. I love her. And you and I both know she had no business at that game today.”
“Her being at the game had nothing to do with what happened today, Merline. You know as good as I do that it could have happened anywhere.”
“You heard the doctor, Lukas. She could have gotten too winded climbing those stairs at the stadium. Any kind of exercise can trigger her heart problems.”
“Come on, Merline. She does Zumba every damn morning. She’s always active.”
Her eyebrows rose. “She is and what are you going to do when you come home from a long day at the field and find your sister on the floor? You can’t handle this. She needs more help now than ever. What are you going to do? Quit playing football and care for her? It doesn’t make sense. I’m home all day. I can do it and you can keep playing ball. Your momma wouldn’t want you to give up your dreams for Ella.”
She was right. How was I going to care for Ella now? If I was worried about her being home alone before, it was even more so now. But maybe my dreams weren’t football anymore. Maybe my dreams were just Ella. I didn’t know how I’d support her without football. My momma hadn’t been rolling in the dough and football was the only thing I knew.
“I can’t do this right now. I have to go,” I mumbled and walked back into the room to kiss my sister goodbye and tell her I’d be right back.
I collected Scarlett and we started a silent car ride home. I thought of all the things I needed to do, but didn’t know where to start. I’d have to take Scarlett to get her car from the stadium at some point. I’d have to get Ella home. How many football practices would I miss? Would they let me go? My panic only escalated on the drive and by the time we got back to my place, I was growing angry at myself. I was failing. Just when I thought I had my shit together, everything was falling around me.
As soon as we walked in the door Scarlett set about collecting Ella some bathroom things and some pajamas while I opened the filing cabinet in my room.
Mom had talked about this plenty. How, if anything should happen to her, there was a file labeled Ella with all of the information I would need to take care of her. I hadn’t needed it until now. As I pulled out the manila folder, a small white envelope fell from it and onto the floor. Ignoring it at first, I looked through Ella’s medical history, checking for any heart problems and coming up with none.
I grabbed the envelope to shove it back in the folder when I saw my name on the outside. Just a simple Lukas in my mother’s handwriting. My breath caught and my heart kicked up a notch at the sight of it. It was sealed and waiting for me, all these months. I was both excited and scared to open it.
I slid my finger under the lip of the envelope, careful to not rip it. It was from my mother. It was important.
I unfolded the piece of paper on the inside, smelling the faint hint of my mother’s perfume on it. I closed my eyes, missing her more than ever, needing her so very much.
It was clear to see it was a letter right away, her cursive handwriting so very distinctive to me. I pulled the letter close to my chest and held it there, thinking how odd, how amazing it was that today of all days was the day I should find this letter. Because I needed it so fucking much. I read the first line.
To Lukas, my son, but above all, Ella’s Lulu
And instantaneously tears blurred my vision. But I kept right on, forging ahead because I needed to hear from my mother and I had a feeling she had something really important to say.
Hello, gorgeous boy. If you’re reading this letter then I’m somewhere in the clouds, sitting on a beach and sipping margaritas with your dad. He says hi and that he’s so proud of you.
I’m proud of you, too, you know. And not just because of all you have accomplished, which is amazing in itself. But you, Lukas, you are amazing. If I stripped you of your star quarterback status and your good looks, you’d still be the thing I’m most proud of in my entire life.
My children mean the world to me. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. When I first realized I was pregnant with Ella, I was so excited for you to have a sibling. Someone you could love and play with. Family you would have long after your father and I were gone. Your father was gone, but he’s left us with the greatest of gifts. A child. I was ecstatic. On cloud nine. Nothing could have prepared me for that twenty-week scan. The one that told us that most likely Ella would have Down syndrome. I left there devastated. I wouldn’t be taking home a healthy baby girl. I didn’t think I could be one of those moms. The moms who tirelessly supported and loved their children with special needs. That wasn’t me. I couldn’t do it. I was already a single mother. What the hell did God want from me? I wasn’t that strong. I’d come home that day and crawled into bed, mourning what could never be. You came home from school and crawled into bed with me and we watched movies and ate popcorn. Do you remember that day? I didn’t tell you about Ella then. Not yet. I just wanted one more day with my boy before our worlds were changed forever.
I thought of a lot that night. Mostly of you. Of how your life would change once the new baby was born. Of how I’d be trading in your football games for her occupational therapy. How instead of playing Uno in the evenings with you, I’d be struggling to get an infant with Down syndrome to sleep. I thought of all the things this baby would take from us. I thought of how one day when I was gone, she’d be you
r responsibility. And that brought me to a terrible low. You didn’t ask for this anymore than I did. I’d been so silly, then. I worried the rest of the pregnancy. I feared the day she was born. Because how could I possibly know or understand how much she’d give us? How could I possibly know how much we’d love her?
But you did. From the very beginning. You may have been just barely a teenager, but your love for your family was bigger than the sky, even then. You’re just so good in that way, Lukas.
The day Ella was born, I was a wreck. You sat in the waiting room with Merline, while I lay in that bed praying the doctors were wrong. Hoping against all hope for a healthy baby. I was terrified. And when it was all said and done and they put Ella on my chest, I looked down and all my fears were confirmed. My hands shook around her tiny body and tears slipped from my eyes. I didn’t know what to do with her. How to care for her. I was one of those moms, now. But how? What did I do to deserve this? I was scared to death and a small part of me resented the tiny baby on my chest. She was going to change everything. Our tiny family would never be the same. I was heartbroken.
I had such guilt. Guilt over how your life would change now. Guilt over how I resented that sweet, innocent baby. I felt so desolate and alone. Until Merline brought you into the room and gave us a moment alone. Sweet Ella was lying in her bassinet. I was too scared to even touch her. But not you. You swooped into the room and went right over to her. You leaned your shaggy brown head over her and then looked back at me.
“Mom, she’s so cute,” you said, and fresh tears slipped down my cheeks. “Can I hold her?” you begged.
My words were lost in a heap of emotion, so I only nodded. You picked her up and cradled her to your chest like a football, took her little pink cap off and rubbed the fuzz on the top of her little head. You pressed your lips to one chubby cheek and walked over to the bed.
You sat on the edge of the bed next to me and I held my breath, scared out of my mind. How was I going to do it? How could I possibly raise you both on my own? Without your father?