by E. R. Wade
TWENTY-THREE
Sofia
“I think I’m in love with Julian,” I say to Skylar dropping down on the seat opposite her. We’re in a bar a few blocks from her office. I couldn’t wait to escape from the office. The day dragged on, it seemed like it never wanted to end. As soon as the clock struck five, I was out the door and came straight here. Thankfully, the bar is virtually empty. I don’t want anyone overhearing what I have to say. I would have preferred a better location like my house or hers but Skylar has to go back to work.
“You think?” Skylar asks, giving me a pointed look.
“Fine. I’ve fallen in love with him.” I’ve been trying to hold it together all day. Julian had sent me a text early this morning to let me know that he won’t be in the office today because he’ll be in L.A. to meet with a client. I know he’s trying to give me some much needed space, and although I didn’t respond to him, I was grateful for it. It meant that I didn’t have to spend the whole day on edge, wondering when he’s going to come in and worried about bumping into him.
“That’s amazing,” she says, smiling at me. “So, what’s the problem?” She adopts a mock horrified look. “Please don’t tell me that he has bedroom performance issues.”
Bedroom performance issues? Only Skylar would say something like that. On any other day, I would have laughed, but not today. I give her an exasperated look. “Sky, be serious.”
“Sorry. So from your tone, this isn’t the usual girl falls in love and wonders if boy loves her back, and we analyze everything he says and does?” she asks cheerfully.
“No, and I’m sure that no one does that after high school.”
“Every woman who’s crazy about a guy does that. So tell me. What’s the problem with your gorgeous boss?”
There’s no other way to say it so I just blurt it out. “He’s married.”
Skylar looks confused. “What? Who?”
“Julian is married.”
She looks shocked, and the teasing light is completely erased from her eyes. “Are you sure? How did you find out?”
“He told me.” I say glumly.
“He told you?” She looks almost as stunned as I felt two days ago.
“He did,” I confirm, feeling more miserable each second as I replay the scene from Saturday in my mind. The hurt is still radiating all over me, and I feel so lost.
“Let me get this straight. Julian is married, and is cheating on his wife with you?” She’s staring at me with disbelief etched on her face.
“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” I say unsteadily.
“Explain,” she demands with a serious tone. I have her undivided attention. She’s extremely interested in what I am about to reveal.
“His wife left him for someone else, and asked him for a divorce.”
“She left him? Why? Is she gay?” To say Skylar approves of Julian is a massive understatement.
“As far as I know, she’s not. She left him for another man.”
She shakes her head in astonishment, visibly struggling to come to terms with what I’m saying. “Wow. So, they’re getting a divorce. Has either of them filed?”
“This is where it becomes complicated. She was in an accident and has been in a coma for two years.”
“Shit!” She’s speechless, and that says a lot because hardly anything shocks her to the extent of robbing her of speech but I’ve managed to do that quite well this evening. We sit for a few seconds saying nothing, just staring at each other. “We need a drink.”
“Absolutely,” I agree. I’m surprised I haven’t downed a few glasses already.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” She leaves the booth without asking me what I want. She comes back a minute later with two glasses containing a generous amount of amber liquid, and places one in front of me.
“What’s this?” I look at the content of the glass curiously.
“Whiskey.” She has taken a couple of swallows already. Skylar can hold her liquor, I can’t.
Making a face at her, I say, “I’m not looking to get drunk.” That would be a monumentally bad idea. I’d probably end up drunk dialing Julian. Yeah, bad idea.
“I won’t let you drink more than this, and you won’t get drunk,” she assures me. “I figure you need something much stronger than your usual drink.” True. I take a cautionary sip. The warm liquid smoothly slides down my throat.
“Okay?”
“Yes. Thanks. This may be just what I need.” I take a larger sip and then tell her a summary of my conversation with Julian. This is one of the rare times I wish I didn’t get easily intoxicated. I could do with a whole bottle of whiskey right now.
“Is he still in love with her?” Skylar asks the one million dollar question.
“He says he’s not.” She raises an eyebrow at my answer.
“Do you think he is?”
“I’m not sure,” I say, thinking of all the times we’ve been together these last couple of months, and how much of himself he has shared with me. “I don’t think so.”
She gives me a thoughtful look. “What are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. I feel like I’ve been blindsided.”
“I understand that, but I think you already know what you’ll do.” Skylar is watching me thoughtfully.
I’m filled with confusion at her statement. “I have no idea what to do.”
“What do you want?”
I want him! “I want this to go away.” I don’t like how pitiful I sound.
“You want the married part to go away, and you want him to stay.”
I nod, even though it’s not a question.
“There. You have your answer.”
“He’s married, Sky.”
“I know, and no matter how much you want to, you can’t wish it away. Besides, his marriage is over. That’s what he said, right?”
“Right.”
“And you believe him?”
Do I? I’m not sure I know what to believe. Even if he isn’t in love with her anymore, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their marriage is over. Or does it? I have no idea. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. What I know is that it’s in everyone’s best interest not to get involved with a married person or anyone already in a relationship. It’s bad news. Guaranteed.
“Sofia,” she prompts. “Do you believe him?”
I want to so badly. “I think so.”
She doesn’t like my answer. “Do you trust him?”
“I thought I did. I thought I knew him.”
“I can understand why you feel that way but you know he wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt you.”
“That’s what he said,” I mutter.
“Of course he wasn’t,” she says confidently. “He’s human. He made a mistake, and now he’s come to you with the truth knowing that you could reject him.”
“He should have told me, Sky. He shouldn’t have kept it a secret. He should have told me right at the start, and not waited for me to fall for him.”
“He shouldn’t have kept it from you,” she agrees. After a moment’s hesitation, she asks, “Would it have made a difference?”
“Of course it would,” I respond indignantly. “I would have kept the heck away from him.” At least I hope I would.
After a moment’s hesitation, Skylar asks, “Sofia, how blunt do you want me to be?”
“Very,” I answer with feigned confidence.
“You came to me to ask what you’re going to do because somewhere at the back of your mind and in your heart, you want to stay with him but you need me to help you feel better about your decision. If you wanted to end it with Julian, you would have done so already and then informed me about it. But instead you’re here to discuss it, looking for loopholes in the situation to make yourself feel better about your decision.”
I’m completely speechless. Could she be right? I admit I don’t want to leave him but that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely stay, does it?
Skyl
ar continues speaking, “Like I said, you already know what you’re going to do. It’s what your heart wants.” She pauses to take a sip of her drink. She watches me as she does so but I’m still speechless so I can only look back at her. “You want to know what I’d do if I were you?” She doesn’t wait for a response. “I’d continue dating him. As far as I’m concerned his marriage is over. She left him to be with someone else, and she was carrying another man’s child while she was still married to him. Very few marriages can survive that. And from what I know of Julian, he’s a good guy. He wouldn’t mess around. If he still wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be with you. And besides, the man is crazy about you.”
I take a large swallow of my whiskey. Maybe I should just get drunk. It may not be a bad idea after all. It could help me forget about the past forty-eight hours, at least for a few hours. I avoid making eye contact with Skylar. If only I was as confident as she is, I wouldn’t be so worried. I’m still so mad at Julian for this, for making me fall for him, and for making me feel this way.
Skylar is right. I wanted her to tell me that it’s okay to be with him. I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out.
“What do you have to lose?” Her question interrupts my thoughts.
“Oh . . . nothing. Just that insignificant thing that is my heart.”
“Your heart will be fine,” she says confidently.
“This could drag on for years,” I say glumly.
“Yes, it could but you’ll be together for those years,” she answers without missing a beat. “By the way, didn’t anyone in the office ever mention his marriage?”
“I don’t think anyone at work knows he’s married. Apart from Nadya, Tom and Gina, everyone else has been there for less than two years. He’s very private about his personal life. He doesn’t wear a wedding band and the only pictures in his office are of his parents, and his sister and her husband.” I recall seeing the pictures from the one time I was inside his office – the day we went for the Rosenburg meeting together.
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“I think that helps make my point.”
“How so?”
“If he was still holding on to his marriage, he wouldn’t keep quiet about her and he would definitely still be wearing his ring. Her picture would be in his office. He clearly isn’t averse to putting the pictures of people he loves on display since his family’s pictures are in his office.” Skylar pauses, then asks in a quiet voice with a serious note, “I know it’s not an ideal situation but isn’t he worth the risk?”
That’s the question I really need to answer. I look down at the amber liquid in the glass but there are no answers there.
TWENTY-FOUR
Sofia
I don’t see Julian for the rest of the week but he sends me a couple of text messages every day to ask if I’m doing okay and to let me know what he’s doing. I never respond. I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is married. I’ve deliberately turned my entire focus on work to avoid thinking about him which has somewhat worked because he hasn’t been in the office. I noticed Nadya giving me curious looks a few times this week which makes me wonder if I’m doing a bad job of hiding how downcast I am. I plaster a smile on my face whenever I’m in the office, having lunch, in meetings, site inspections, and basically whenever anyone is around me including Skylar. I know I’m not fooling her but I hope that no one else can see through my façade.
It’s a good thing I have a lot of work to keep me busy. One of the projects I’m currently working on is a remodeling of a two-floor office for a client in South of Market. Nadya, Lucas and I are on our way back to the office from the project site. We made our final selections on the flooring, walls, plumbing, furniture and the finishes this morning so we plan to commence the redesign work in the next few weeks. I am curious why Nadya chose to come with us. There was no need for her to be there. I wonder if it has anything to do with not wanting Lucas and me to be alone together. I immediately dismiss that thought as being unlikely. However, this is the second time this week she’s come with us. Whatever her reasons, I don’t mind. I like her a lot and she makes me feel comfortable especially since she is always supportive and listens to my suggestions and ideas.
As soon as I get back to the office, I check my email and see that the two Design Services Proposals I sent out on Monday have both been signed by the clients and sent back to us, and the deposits have been paid. This makes me happy because it means more work to keep me busy which means less time to think about Julian.
An hour later, Alana and Erin come to my office to tell me it’s lunch time. I’m not very hungry but I cave to their persistent pleas and follow them to a new bistro a couple of blocks away. Once we are seated, I order a turkey sandwich and a strawberry iced tea, and wonder how I’m supposed to get the food down my throat. My appetite has been non-existent since Saturday. I gaze around the restaurant, looking critically at my immediate surroundings, and decide that I like it. Featuring a contemporary minimalist design style and decorated in light hues of blue, the restaurant is beautiful and well laid out. Occupying a ground floor corner plot, two walls are made up of glass making the restaurant appear light and airy, and bigger than it really is.
I’m a little distracted, and I’ve been picking at my food which the waiter placed in front of me five minutes ago. Erin and Alana don’t say anything about how uncharacteristically quiet I’m being. They probably know something is bothering me but they don’t want to pry, and I’m grateful for that. I can’t stop thinking about Julian, no matter how hard I try. He’s on my mind all the time, regardless of the time of day. Even when I’m asleep. I’ve dreamt about him every night this week, and I’ve woken up from sleep in the middle of the night consumed with longing for him.
Hearing his name snaps my attention back to them. “What?” I instinctively ask, and immediately wish I had kept my mouth shut. Erin repeats what she said.
“Lucas is meeting us here. He wanted to have a quick word with Julian before he leaves.”
“Julian is in the office?” I ask.
“Yeah. He’s been working so hard lately,” murmurs Alana.
“Julian is always working hard,” Erin states matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, but his schedule this week has been crazy, and I think he’s been keeping late nights at the office,” Alana says.
Surprised, I ask, “Late nights?” Does he come to the office after I leave? Was he in the office now?
“I called him last night at nine-thirty and he was there, and for the past three days I’ve been getting emails from him at exactly nine in the morning. I think he schedules the emails so as to not disturb me at night.”
My mind is stuck on the fact that she called him. I feel like my stomach is tied up in knots. Why did she call him that late last night? Is nine-thirty really late? I’ve called my friends much later than that. I try to tell myself it probably had to do with work. Also, they’re friends so it really isn’t a big deal – is it? Waves of resentment sweep through me. I know my feelings are unreasonable but I can’t help it. It’s just that I hate that she talks to him and I don’t. I know I have no right to be upset with Alana so I fight hard to not let the jealousy gnawing at me show. Deliberately avoiding making eye contact with her, I stare at the food in front of me and then take a huge swallow of my iced tea.
So he’s been coming to the office when I’m out. I have no doubt that he knows my schedule quite well. I don’t know what to feel about it. The entire situation feels surreal. He’s keeping away from the office so that I don’t feel uncomfortable, and apparently comes in only when I’m not there. It makes me uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. I know he’s being considerate but for how long? How long can this possibly go on? What if I’m never ready to talk to him about this? It may be time for me to start looking for another job. The thought of not seeing him again causes a feeling of tightness in my chest. I love my job, and I’d hate to leave it. I’d miss ev
eryone. Thinking about leaving all this behind makes me feel unhappier and much more anxious than I already am.
“Hey, ladies. Sorry, I’m late. What did I miss?” Lucas’ arrival interrupts my somber thoughts and puts an end to Alana and Erin’s conversation which I had tuned out. Warm brown eyes are trained on me. His hair looks windswept which is weird because it’s not windy outside.
“Nothing at all. We just started eating,” Alana says with a welcoming smile.
“Take a look at the menu.” Erin pushes the menu towards him as he takes a seat next to me.
After he gives the waitress his order, he angles his head towards me, his gaze once again on me. I’m not particularly comfortable with his focus on me, and I still haven’t figured out if he and Erin have a history. “I heard about the signed proposals. Are you excited to start?”
“Can’t wait,” I respond. I’m not in the right mood for a friendly conversation knowing that my life may be about to change even though I don’t want it to. Not working in Scott Design, not seeing these ladies I’ve become close to and never seeing the man I’ve fallen in love with, despite knowing better, is making it incredibly hard for me to be excited about anything.
“So, what are we doing tonight?” he asks, glancing around the table but settles his gaze on me.
I’ve spent the past three evenings this week with Skylar either at her place or mine. We have plans tonight to go to the theatre at Union Square. We had decided on an early show, and then a late dinner. I haven’t been to the theatre in over a year. The last time was when Cameron and I went to watch a musical on Broadway.
“I’m going to the theatre tonight with Skylar. You’re welcome to join us if the tickets are still available,” I say, looking at both Erin and Alana to let them know that they are definitely included in my invitation.
“What are we watching?” Alana asks as she pulls out her phone. I tell her about the show Skylar and I decided on, and she checks online for the tickets. “There are a few tickets left,” she announces without lifting her eyes from the screen. “Everyone’s in, right?” At their confirmation, she purchases three tickets.