by E. R. Wade
“Sure.” I let him in. Why are my palms damp? I rub them on my shorts. I hope I look okay. I don’t have time to even glance at a mirror.
Julian knocks on my door and I immediately open the door. He looks devastatingly handsome, dazzling blue eyes, dark blond hair and the body of a Greek god. He’s wearing a black polo shirt which emphasizes his broad shoulders and a pair of jeans.
“May I come in?”
“Of course,” I say, embarrassed that I was standing there and ogling him at the door – again. I open the door wider, stepping aside to let him through. “I’m sorry. I’m just surprised to see you today.”
“That’s okay.” He sits down on the loveseat.
“Are you all right?” I ask gently, worried about what he’s going through.
“Come here,” he commands, pulling me down so I’m sitting on his lap facing him. He doesn’t kiss, me, choosing to hug me instead. Comfort. I like it. “I’m good now that I’m here.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
We sit there for a while, him holding me snugly in his arms.
He breaks the silence. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch the last couple of days. Things have been . . . difficult. But I want you to know that you’ve been on my mind. Okay?”
I nod against his chest.
“I don’t love her, and we’re not getting back together.” I don’t say anything because I know there’s more he wants to say. “She has amnesia. She doesn’t remember anything about our marriage. The last memories she has are of us planning the wedding. I had to tell her that we got married four years ago.” I sit there frozen. Amnesia? That’s awful. First, the car accident, and then losing two years of her life lying in a hospital bed, and now this?
“I haven’t told her yet that we were – are – going to get a divorce, but I have every intention of doing so. Her parents are disappointed. They’ve been hoping we would make an effort to make our marriage work when she wakes up. I don’t want to pretend that she and I are fine when we’re not. I don’t want to go on living like I have for over two years. I was frozen until I met you. I feel like everything I’ve known has been a lie, until you.” He takes a deep breath and adds, “I don’t want to lose you. You’re the light at the end of a dark and lonely tunnel.”
He puts a finger under my chin and lifts my face towards his. “I miss you every time we’re not together. You know that, right?”
My heart melts at his words. I’m stunned and delighted that he feels this strongly about me. He’s never said anything like this to me. The insecurity I was feeling earlier on has been completely wiped away. I’m looking into his eyes, unable to utter a word in response.
“You’re obviously surprised so I take it you didn’t know. That’s my fault, and I’m sorry about that.”
“I miss you too,” I say softly, pleased that I’m not the only one feeling what’s between us. “I hope Addison is going to be okay. It’s sad that she has amnesia.”
“Yeah. That’s what she said.” He has an odd look on his face. Does he think she’s faking it? Why would she do that?
“You don’t think she’s lying, do you?” I ask him hesitantly.
“Honestly? I don’t know. It’s just a feeling. Somehow it just didn’t ring true when she said it. It’s like I’m missing something.”
“Why do you think she would do that?”
“I don’t know . . . I’m probably suffering from an overactive imagination. You shouldn’t listen to me. It’s been a long day.”
We sit in silence, drawing comfort and strength from each other. Neither of us is willing to move.
“I’m sorry,” he says unexpectedly.
Surprised, I ask, “For what?”
“For putting you through this.” He hesitates. “I should let you go but I’m not sure I can.”
Let me go? Why would he even think such a thing? “Julian, I don’t want you to let me go. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I want . . .”
When he doesn't say anything else, I ask him, “What do you want?”
“It’s not important.”
“Julian, you know you can tell me anything.”
“I know . . . It’s complicated. I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was at the hospital. All I want is to be with you. I wish I had the opportunity to do things differently.” I decide not to ask him what he would have done differently because somehow I think I know what he’ll say.
“Sometimes we have to go through some difficult paths to get to where we’re supposed to be,” I say. At least this is what I tell myself when I think about Julian and me.
“My head knows that, but my heart isn’t listening to reason,” he says quietly.
THIRTY-TWO
Addison
The next few weeks are brutal, but I manage to plow through the various therapy sessions and medical tests. I can’t wait for the day I can walk unassisted, and the day I get to finally leave the hospital. True to his word, Julian has been to see me almost every other day, although he never spends more than an hour and so far we’ve both avoided talking about our situation. I don’t know for certain why he hasn’t brought it up but I have avoided having the conversation about our relationship because I know that I don’t have the energy or mental strength to fight for him, and it definitely seems like that’s what I would need to do judging by his impersonal and distant demeanor.
Whenever I look up into the handsome face of my husband, I realize just how much I want him here with me. He looks different from the man I remember. He looks harder, and the usual warmth and ready smile are missing. He looks at me like a stranger. He treats me like one too.
I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I lost two years of my life, stuck on a hospital bed. The shock of discovery has gradually worn off. The sad truth is that I can’t entirely blame Sean for my being in here.
Since Julian was always here, I had assumed that he wanted to make an effort to keep our marriage together. I know Sean wouldn’t say a word about our year-long affair since he wouldn’t want Dad or Julian to wring his neck. Even if Julian knows about us, I know he’ll forgive me. He always forgives me whenever I do anything wrong. I don’t know why I took him for granted for such a long time but as soon as I get out of hospital and resume our life together, I’ll work hard to be the best wife I can be. The kind of wife he deserves.
But my hope of salvaging the relationship is fast dissipating. Julian has been polite but cold and distant, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t want me back at home. Looking at his strangely expressionless eyes, I regret telling him on the night of the accident that the baby isn’t his. I can’t believe I was going to leave him for Sean. What the hell had I been thinking falling in love with his best friend? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stay away from Sean. I gave in to my attraction to him. I was completely in love with him and I believed he felt the same way. He swept me completely off my feet.
Sean had been talking about us being together forever for the entire year we were together but I had always refused. The guilt I felt for being with him kept me in my marriage. Once I told him about the pregnancy, he insisted that he wanted us to be a family. He didn’t want me to say anything about it to Julian, he wanted to be the one to talk to him.
I wasn’t supposed to leave Julian on the night of the accident. Sean didn’t know I was leaving. I had spent the day at home wondering why I kept turning him down and hanging on to my marriage when my heart and the baby I’m carrying belonged to him. Before I knew it, I was packing a suitcase. I remember thinking that my marriage was already over, and I was living on borrowed time. If I had stayed and had the baby, Julian would have known he wasn’t the father.
Making the entire situation even more unpleasant, I’m still struggling to come to terms with Sean’s abandonment. My heart hurts just thinking about it. Instead of him being by my side, Julian is. It doesn’t seem I have much of a choice but to continue trying to make my marriage work.
/>
I wanted to ask him about Sean while keeping an innocent expression on my face but I didn’t want to risk mentioning his name in case Julian suspects or knows about us. He hasn’t said anything to me but I’m really puzzled that he hasn’t mentioned his best friend’s name once.
Even though I’m still bitterly hurt and disappointed by Sean’s abandonment, I can’t quell my need to know what he’s been up to and how he’s doing any longer. I’ve come close a few times to blurting out his name to Julian and my family. I think for the sake of my sanity, I need to know that he’s okay.
Hours later, I get my chance to find out. It’s just me and my sister, Elle, in my hospital room.
“So how are Kathleen and Ana?” I ask innocently. “Do you still see them?” Those two were my best friends. Mom already told me that they hadn’t visited or called in almost nine months.
“I bumped into Ana a few weeks ago. She’s getting married to Trevor Hutton. I haven’t seen or heard anything from Kath in so long. I don’t know if she’s still working at the gallery.”
“Ana is marrying Trevor?” I’m surprised. From what I can remember, Trevor was more interested in men than women. Ana knew this. Why would she marry him?
Elle nods. “I’m not sure what she sees in him. Maybe she thinks he’ll change for her.”
Very unlikely. I couldn’t care less anyway. I had to find out about him. Here goes . . .
“What about Sean Connors? What’s he been up to?” I may be angry at him but I’m still curious about what he’s been up to in the last couple of years. And I’m concerned. The fact that no one has mentioned his name makes me feel that something may be wrong. I don’t know if I’m hoping that there might be a valid reason why he hasn’t even bothered to call to find out how I’m doing. Why hasn’t Julian mentioned his name at all? It’s strange.
“Sean? He’s married to Erica Taylor. They have a five-month old daughter, and are living in L.A.” Elle’s voice takes on a caustic note, but I don’t think about it. I am more concerned with what she’s just told me. My blood boils at her words. Sean is married. The man I thought was the love of my life is married to a woman who isn’t me. The man who promised me his lifelong devotion is married to someone else.
The bastard! I feel the anger surging through me. He’s married and has a daughter? What the hell? He didn’t waste any time replacing me. With Erica Taylor of all people. I wasn’t friends with her but we moved in the same circles so our paths had crossed a few times. Everything about her is fake, from her breasts to her personality.
Elle continues speaking, seemingly oblivious to my anger since her focus is on the fashion program showing on the TV at the corner of the room. “He works for her father, and I hear he’s being groomed to take over.”
“How do you know this?” I grind out. I honestly don’t know how I’m able to get the words out.
“Remember my friend, Kimberly? She works for him.”
Asshole! I seethe inwardly. I could have died and he wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. I want to scream and cry. I wish he was here so that I can yell at him and tell him how much he has ruined my life. But worse than the anger, I feel heart-breaking and bitter betrayal. My heart feels like it’s been ripped to shreds. But I don’t scream or cry. I just lie back against the pillows and close my eyes, focusing on my breathing to get myself to stay calm. Elle’s presence is helping to keep me sane. If she wasn’t here, I might have been tempted to throw a vase or two.
How could he not even bother to check if I’m still alive or not? I must mean absolutely nothing to him.
Nothing.
THIRTY-THREE
Julian
I’m standing in my wife’s hospital room and all I can think about is Sofia. I wonder what she’s doing right now. I haven’t thought about Addison as my wife in a very long time but I think the least I can do is not think about my girlfriend while I’m visiting her in hospital. But I can’t help it, I miss Sofia. She has no idea just how much I want to be with her. For what seems like the hundredth time today, I stop myself from reaching for my phone and calling her.
What a bloody mess.
Addison’s voice interrupts my thoughts, bringing me back to the present.
“Why can’t I go home with you? We live together.” Addison and I moved in together right after college.
I run my hand through my hair. We’ve been over this already. The last couple of times I’ve come by to see her she’s brought up our marriage and our living situation. “Things have changed, Addison. I live alone. You need someone to take care of you during the day, and I’ll be at work.”
“Mom can come over.” I start to shake my head, and then I see her eyes glistening with tears. “What’s wrong? Did I do something to upset you? There was a time you’d have given up your job just to be with me.”
She’s right. I would have. I loved her that much. Now all I can think of is how to get her to sign the divorce papers and be free of her.
I search her expression for any indication or clue to what's on her mind. She looks back at me with wide, teary blue eyes, expectantly waiting for my answer.
“No, you didn’t but you have to stay with your parents.” The tears start to fall from her eyes, running down her face and spilling to her clasped hands. I feel like leaving the hospital room but I force myself to take a step closer and touch her hand fleetingly. “I’ll come visit you.” She looks at me with hurt blue eyes. “I promise.”
“Every day?” she sniffs.
Shaking my head, I say gently, “I have to work Addison and you’re over an hour away. I’ll see you twice a week. Three times, if I can manage it.”
She doesn’t like my answer.
I wonder if I owe her anything. I know for a fact that she betrayed me and not just once but she doesn’t remember being with Sean. She should remember the other guy though. I think his name was Blaine. They were sending each other flirty texts, and met up when we were dating. I don’t know what else happened between them, and I truly don’t want to know.
“I know something’s wrong but you don’t want to tell me. I want you to know I love you and I’m sorry for whatever I did. I’m certain that I never meant to hurt you. I hope in time we can talk about it so that I can fix whatever it is I’ve done.”
I narrow my eyes suspiciously at her. An uneasy feeling settles over me. Does she know?
She adds somewhat hurriedly, “I know I’m always getting into scrapes. Can you remember the time when I went to Holly’s themed party at Dag’s Bar and I got very drunk? You had to leave the library to come and get me. I was dancing on a table when you walked in. You were mad at me and I was embarrassed for days. Thinking about it still makes me squirm.” She smiles tentatively at me.
I shrug off my suspicion and tell myself to stop being paranoid.
“You remember that?”
“Of course I do,” she says, smiling at me. “That was the day I realized you were a keeper. Even though you were mad, you took care of me until I was completely better. I remember a lot of other things too,” she says softly. Her eyes take on a dreamy look. Addison has a long, thin scar on the side of her face but that doesn’t detract in any way from her beauty. She’s a naturally beautiful woman.
She lays a hand on my arm. “Julian, we’ve always been good together.”
Not knowing how to respond to her without coming off as heartless, I start to tell her that it may be a good idea if we focus on the present and getting her all the care she needs to get better. “Addison –”
“Why are you calling me that?” she asks softly.
“What?” I’m puzzled. Doesn’t she remember her name?
“Addison.”
“That’s your name.” I’m even more puzzled.
“I’ve always been Addie to you,” she points out. “You were the first person I let shorten my name, before my sister and friends joined in. I like it when you call me that.”
“That was a long time ago,” I say quietly. Her hand
is still on my arm, and even though I want to move away, I force myself to stay still.
“It doesn’t have to be that way, Julian.”
“Addison, we’re getting divorced,” I say slowly and gently. I wasn’t planning on telling her today but there’s no point hiding the truth anymore. It’s been months since she woke up and she’s feeling a lot better, well enough to leave the hospital next week. Addison’s recovery and rehabilitation has been impressive, according to her doctors.
“That’s not possible.” There’s no surprise or shock on her face, just sadness.
“We were both unhappy, and you said you wanted to,” I tell her.
Her hand tightens on my arm. “No, Julian. That’s not possible.” She’s shaking her head in denial. “We’re not getting divorced. I’ll never divorce you.”
***
“Close early on Friday.”
“Why? What's happening on Friday?” Sofia looks up at me curiously.
We’re in my living room watching TV. We’ve just finished having dinner and Sofia is lying on me with her head on my legs and wearing one of my T-shirts. Her auburn hair is piled up in a messy bun. She looks absolutely amazing.
“I’d like to spend the weekend with you,” I answer.
She looks delighted. “The whole weekend?”
Over the past months, we’ve spent nights at each other’s apartments but not an entire weekend together. “Yeah, and this will be the first of many.” Especially now that Addison has left the hospital.
One of the many reasons why I love Sofia is that she’s so open and honest. Like right now. She doesn’t bother to hide that she’s really pleased. I want to give her more than weekends together but until the situation with Addison is resolved, I can only give her this. I plan on spending a very long time making it up to her.
“So tell Nadya that you’ll close at two.” I know Nadya will be pleased. I would have told her myself but I doubt that Sofia will appreciate that.
At the mention of Nadya’s name, Sofia looks concerned. “She’ll know it’s because of you.”