Ana looked at him with dismay. It’s as if she couldn’t recognize her lover anymore. She had definitely expected that telling Rob and the kids would be a challenge. But she didn’t imagine that Michael himself would suddenly back down from his seemingly rock-solid commitment the very instant when the reality of marriage displaced the fantasy of their affair. He had always told her that he lived in expectation of that reality. But now that they were about to live together, Michael was hedging, protecting himself from her. Erecting a barrier between them. A wall made of qualifications, divided assets and, worst of all, divided interests. Ana couldn’t help but smile at one of the sad, self-defeating ironies of human nature. As soon as you finally get what you want in life, you no longer want it.
“What are you smirking about?” Michael asked her.
“It just seems a little strange that you already had a backup plan all lined up in case our plans fell through.”
“Hey, you know me! I always come prepared,” he replied, it occurred to him, in the same way he had to Karen when she made the same charge.
“Would you forget me that easily?” Ana struggled to contain her emotions.
“Of course not,” Michael replied more tenderly. “I was only talking like that in self-defense, because you’re pushing me away. But, quite frankly, I feel like if you ever decide to leave me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life searching for another you. Let’s face it. If we ever make the colossal mistake of breaking up, neither of us will find this kind of passion again. As they say, lightning doesn’t strike twice.”
Michael’s tone was so warm and his demeanor so gentle that Ana really wanted to believe what he was saying. Even a day earlier she’d have believed him. But on that afternoon, the mood had changed. She couldn’t dispel a sense of unease. “I don’t know,” she replied, still shaken by the perfunctory manner in which Michael had withdrawn his earlier promises. “It seems to me like you loved me so much more when you didn’t have me,” she said with a note of regret. Ana thought about what Michael had told her months earlier; about the protective bubble that surrounded him ever since he was a child. “All of a sudden, I feel like I’m not in your bubble anymore.”
“That’s a low blow and you know it!” Michael protested. “I had always envisioned drafting a prenup to protect my assets. I just never mentioned it to you before because I saw no point in it. Our marriage was just an abstraction then. Now it’s becoming real. Hey, speaking of reality, do you want to get a new living room set? That nice, bordello red micro fiber sofa and love chair we looked at a few months ago? I wouldn’t mind making love on it right there at the store, when nobody’s looking, to test it. What do you say?” he added playfully, hoping to lighten her mood.
Ana had a flashback to the early days of their affair, to her own fantasy at the furniture store, of sitting in Michael’s lap in the love chair in the same position she occupied a few moments ago on the kitchen chair. Only in her mind they weren’t arguing about cohabitation, prenups or money. They were watching movies together and planning fun activities with the kids.
“Is Rob giving you money for your half of the furniture?” Michael interrupted her pleasant reminiscence.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Because we could use it to buy new furniture.”
“I’m glad to see you have your priorities straight,” Ana remarked coldly. It occurred to her that her generous lover was rapidly morphing into Karen’s stingy fiancé.
Noticing her defensive attitude, Michael decided it was time to switch gears, back to romantic mode. “I can’t wait for us to move in together!” he declared excitedly.
His statement struck Ana as incongruous with their earlier exchange. “Are you sure about that?”
“Of course, Baby. I’ve been trying to get my paws on you for almost a year now,” Michael said, his hand slipping surreptitiously underneath Ana’s shirt and gently fingering her nipple. Inspired by the giving softness of her skin hardening under his touch, he recalled his own vision of their future, which he had turned over and over in his head during the long, frustrating months when they were obliged to live apart. “I’ll call you from school at lunch, to let you know ahead of time what I want you to wear when I come home and in what position you should wait for me,” he whispered breathlessly, barely containing his arousal. “On some days, I’ll ask you to wear the thigh highs and corset I bought you and wait for me by the door, with your legs open,” he motioned apart her thighs with the tips of his fingers, “while on others, I may want you to wait for me wearing nothing but a pair of black lace gloves, bent over our new red micro fiber sofa,” he added, attempting to remove her shirt.
But Ana resisted, keeping it firmly in place with both hands. “Hold on a sec. You expect me to wait home for you wearing certain clothes and in certain positions?” she repeated with an air of incredulity.
“Hey, it will be my little treat for bringing in the dough for our family,” he crudely articulated what so far had been only an implicit assumption.
Ana was troubled not so much by what her lover was asking her to do as by his peremptory manner. Michael had never behaved this way with her before. It’s true that sometimes he bought her lingerie or sexy outfits that he wanted her to wear when they were together. But they were always offered as a gift and accompanied by kisses, caresses and sweet nothings whispered in her ear, which made her happy to wear them, just to please him. “Michael, what did you think I’d become once we lived together? Your kept woman? I’ll be your partner, your wife. I hope that you’ll continue to treat me with respect.”
At that moment, she realized that, up to now, she’d have done almost anything for this man. Just because of the manner in which he asked her, so cajoling, tender and seductive. Just because of the manner in which she loved him, so completely, with such ardor. She’d have sold her soul to please Michael, since he seemed to love her like she had never been loved before. But now that he was practically giving her orders, treating her as if she had no mind of her own, for the first time in their relationship, Ana felt her will tighten inside of her like a muscle being flexed, resisting overt domination.
“Of course I’ll respect you,” Michael moved her chin up with his hand, to look into her eyes again. “Haven’t I treated you well?”
“So far you have,” she cautiously admitted. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, not pleased with her qualified response.
“You’ve spoiled me as a girlfriend, that much is true,” she acknowledged. “But it’s a whole different story to treat me well as your life partner, once we actually move in together.”
“Just tell me what you want and I’ll grant your wishes in an instant,” Michael responded with an air of indulgence, like Santa Claus asking a little girl what she wanted for Christmas.
Ana was encouraged by his receptiveness. “I was thinking that during the weekends when we’ll have the kids over at our house, we could have one day in which we cart them around to their lessons. Allen has guitar and Michelle has horseback riding on Saturday mornings. Then we’ll drive them to their various play dates with their friends, which are really important to them. We could make Sunday our special family day, you know, go to the zoo or the movies and have fun together. That way the kids can grow to like you and adjust to our situation.”
“Like that will ever happen!” Michael snapped back. He had expected that Ana would share with him her sexual fantasies, not all the freaking errands he was supposed to run for her brats.
“What do you mean? You always told me that you’d do your best be a good stepfather to Michelle and Allen.”
“Sure, I’ll try,” Michael said unconvincingly, with a shrug. “But no matter what I do, they’ll still hate my guts. Especially Michelle, since she’s older and a girl. Girls are more precocious and sensitive than boys. Plus they tend to worship their real dads. So I guess, I’ll be shit out of luck with her.”
“Michael,
don’t be so negative!” Ana protested. “You never used to talk like this before.”
“Yeah, well, before none of this crap was real.”
“But you wanted it to be real. You insisted on making it real,” she reminded him. For her, Michael’s attitude towards her children functioned as a litmus test. “If you love me, you’ll be good to my kids.”
“Of course, Baby, I’ll do my best. It’s just that my best may not be good enough. I’m more realistic than you are,” Michael smiled gently and stroked Ana’s hip with a circular motion. “I was thinking that the nights we don’t have the kids over at our house, we could go out to clubs.”
“To clubs?” she repeated, with obvious disappointment. “I don’t get into that modem stuff, rap, hip-hop or whatever they call it. I’m too old for it and even when I wasn’t, back in college, I still didn’t like it. Earlier, we were talking about taking salsa lessons together, remember? What happened to that idea?”
“Hey, why waste the money on lessons when we can go dancing for free, right?” Michael countered cheerfully.
“That’s one way of looking at it.”
Michael realized he had to say something to preempt her withdrawal before they reached the finish line. Her took Ana by the hand and gazed steadily into her eyes. “Listen to me, Baby. After everything we’ve sacrificed to be together, let’s make sure that we’re still on the same page. If you agreed to divorce Rob, given your misgivings, it’s obviously because you love me more. You told me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I feel the same way about you. Nobody’s more important to me than you are. We may face some difficulties at first in adjusting to our new circumstances. That’s only to be expected. Nobody said divorce was going to be easy. But if we stay united, we’ll make it. This is our one chance in life to really live out passion in marriage. Let’s not blow it, alright?”
“I don’t intend to,” she assured him.
Yet as she drove back home, Ana couldn’t help but dwell upon Michael’s earlier comment, about dancing for free. It sounded analogous to the popular saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, which seemed to sum up her lover’s reaction to her news. It also reminded her of a scene she witnessed quite often at the beach, where a man sucks in his stomach when a pretty young woman walks by, only to let it go back to its natural beer gut in front of his own good old wife. Before Ana had been the girlfriend to impress. But now she had become the future wife in front of whom Michael could let all his flaws hang out, his flabby selfishness and unbecoming stinginess. Above all, it was the suddenness of his transformation that made her feel uneasy.
Ana recalled how one day, early into their relationship, Michael had described to her his game-like attitude towards one-night stands. Before he scored, he explained, all of his energy was focused on seducing a given woman. But after he had sex with her, he lost all interest and didn’t “waste” an ounce of energy on pleasing her anymore. One anecdote stuck out in Ana’s mind. Michael had told her about his date with a girl with wavy, auburn hair whom he had picked up at a bar and invited to a movie. It took him more than half the movie to coax her gradually, kiss by kiss and caress by caress, into eliminating the divide between them, crouch unto his lap in the back row of the movie theater and make love, in the blend of semi-obscurity and public display that never failed to arouse him. But as soon as they consummated the act, Michael disconnected. When the girl tried to caress him again, he moved her hand away with the impatience with which one swats off an annoying fly. Once his sexual desire was satisfied, he wanted to watch in peace the rest of the movie. “But how can you switch just like that, from charming and seductive to cold and disinterested, in a matter of seconds?” Ana had asked him. “Because I was done with her,” he replied with a shrug. “And didn’t you ever become attached, you know, because of the sexual intimacy, to any of the women you dated?” she pursued. “To those sluts? No freaking way! I just used them and tossed them away like a bunch of dirty condoms. Back then, before we met, it was all about the scoring, Baby!” he boasted with an air of smugness that bordered on cruelty.
In some ways, this episode reminded Ana of how Michael had acted with Karen. Although his relationship with his fiancée had been more serious, a similar pattern of behavior emerged. Once Michael decided he was done with a woman, her needs, her actions and her entire personhood no longer mattered to him. Initially, Ana had felt a certain pride that her lover had placed her in a different category of women, since he had often told her that he had never loved anyone so passionately or needed anyone as much as her. She was the exception that confirmed the rule, he had repeatedly assured her. No doubt, part of her enjoyed the challenge of taming a man who had been so wild with every other woman in his life.
Yet now that she had observed her lover’s reaction to the news that she’d finally become his partner, Ana began to wonder if she, herself, wasn’t just a score for him. A different kind of score, a seduction of body, mind and soul. One that took more time, energy and patience, but with the same inevitable end result. Once he had won the match, Michael would move on to the next challenge. This idea greatly perturbed Ana, hitting too close to her husband’s warning. For that very reason, she tried to dismiss it. Michael loves me, she told herself. He wooed me for months. He gave me all of his attention and affection. He promised to take care of me and the kids.
By the end of this rehearsal of Michael’s loving words and gestures, Ana felt somewhat pacified. But a trace of distrust towards her lover lingered. She was now on the alert for any future warning signals. Because she knew that when he was really interested in a woman, his focus on her and on everything associated with her was total and intense. It resembled a powerful beam of light that illuminated only one spot at a time. For almost a year, Ana had been that spot.
But now she began to wonder for how long she’d continue to attract his undivided attention. Because once Michael’s interest diminished, the light dispersed. Afterwards, there was no energy left in the relationship, except perhaps for the unreciprocated, desperate efforts of a discarded partner: which is to say, a total waste of energy. Emotions poured into a black hole. Although Michael may not have been honest with anybody else, Ana sensed, he always remained true to himself. He lied disturbingly well, with an uncanny glibness and ease. But he was much too selfish and, in that sense, much too honest, about his own needs to convincingly fake interest in someone else. Which is why, despite his seductiveness, deceitfulness and charm, Michael was actually quite transparent if you were willing to open your eyes and take a good look at him. And once you did, you saw the man Ana was beginning to see. You saw the seducer.
Chapter 3
The storm had passed, yet the calm state in which Ana and Rob found themselves seemed more like the eye of a tornado. The room vibrated with the stillness of tension. They had told the children as diplomatically as possible the bad news. They tried to explain that they both loved them very much, but didn’t get along as well they should, which is why they were getting a divorce. At least Ana had framed the issue in such a conveniently neutral manner. Feeling like a hostage in the whole situation, Rob had added that he was completely against the divorce, but that Mama fell in love with someone named Michael and was leaving him for that man. Michelle was the first to respond, with a shrill scream, “Mama, how could you do this to Daddy? I hate Michael!” She stormed out of the room and locked herself into her bedroom, to release in solitude the pain of her newly shattered world.
Allen didn’t react at first. He stood still, trying to comprehend what was happening between his parents. He looked in silence at his father, then at his mother. After a few moments, he decided that he loved them both equally. In his mind, they were the greatest parents in the world. “I love you,” he said to them. Then, seeing that his sister had defended his father and that his mother was in tears, he gave Ana a hug. “Don’t worry, Mom. No matter what happens with you and Daddy, I’ll still love you,” he said to her.
&nbs
p; Rob resented the fact that his wife would be selfish enough to hurt her own children. Enough was enough. “When are you moving out?” he asked her.
“I don’t know,” she replied, dazed by her children’s opposite reactions, both of which tugged at her heartstrings. “I wish I could take this pill, like in that science fiction movie, and just forget about him. I wish we had never met,” she said in all honesty.
“You say this now. But as soon as you see him again, you change your mind and forget all about us,” Rob countered.
“He’s got this weird hold on me,” Ana said, placing her hand upon her heart, as if trying to relieve a muscular ache that accompanied her oppressive, conflicted emotions. She thought back to the melodious sound of Michael’s voice, to his mesmerizing gaze, to the overpowering fierceness of his desire. They lulled her conscience, controlling her will, as if by some inexplicable hypnotic force. Ana didn’t know how to explain this strange phenomenon to anyone, not even to herself. She felt like a willing captive, a contradiction in terms. Because Michael wasn’t just pleasant or charismatic. He was intensely charming. Ana felt gripped by the force of his personality, swept up by the whirlwind of his desires, uplifted by his vows of love.
Seeing the faraway look in his wife’s eyes, Rob felt disheartened. If even seeing the pain she’s causing their children couldn’t stop her, nothing would. “You’re free to do as you wish.” A flash of anger passed through him when he realized that Ana was hedging not because she felt genuinely torn, as she claimed, but because she didn’t fully trust her lover. “But let me make one thing very clear: if you chose Michael, it’s all over between us for good,” he decided it was time to draw some clear boundaries.
Ana nodded mechanically in agreement. She had made such major life decisions, yet she felt like she hadn’t chosen anything at all. It was as if a hidden force had been pushing her from behind or pulling her forward, towards her lover. “I don’t want to go but I can’t stay either,” she replied, stuck in the impasse that had paralyzed her from the start.
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