by Unknown
When he heard her from upstairs, Tripitaka said, “Second Master Sun, what shall we do? She is planning to slaughter chickens, geese, a pig, and a lamb. When she brings these things up, which one of us, keepers of a perpetual vegetarian diet that we are, dare take one bite?”
“I know what to do,” replied Pilgrim, and he went to the head of the stairs and tapped the floor with his foot. “Mama Zhao, please come up here,” he said. The mama came up and said, “What instructions do you have for me, Second Master?” “Don’t slaughter anything today,” said Pilgrim, “for we’re keeping a vegetarian diet.”
Astonished, the widow asked, “Do the masters keep a perpetual diet or a monthly diet?” “Neither,” replied Pilgrim, “for ours is named the gengshen diet. Since the cyclical combination for today is, in fact, gengshen, we must keep the diet. Once the hour of the third watch is past, it will be the day of xinyou, and we’ll be able to eat meat. You may do the slaughtering tomorrow. Please go now and prepare us some vegetarian dishes. We’ll pay you the price of the superior class just the same.”
The woman was more delighted than ever. She dashed downstairs to say, “Don’t slaughter anything! Don’t slaughter anything! Take some wood ears, Fujian bamboo-shoots, bean curds, wheat glutens, and pull some greens from our garden to make vermicelli soup. Let the dough rise so that we can steam some rolls. We can cook the white-grain rice and brew fragrant tea also.” Aha! Those chefs in the kitchen, accustomed to do this every day, finished their preparations in no time at all. The food was brought upstairs, along with ready-made lion-puddings and candied fruits, so that the four could enjoy themselves to their hearts’ content.
“Do you take dietary wine?” the woman asked again. Pilgrim said,
“Only Grand Master Tang doesn’t drink, but the rest of us can use a few cups.” The widow then brought up a bottle of hot wine. Hardly had the three of them finished pouring when they heard loud hangings on the floor down below.
“Mama,” said Pilgrim, “did something fall downstairs?”
“No,” replied the widow. “A few hired hands from our humble village who arrived rather late tonight with their monthly payment of rice were told to sleep downstairs. Since you masters have come, and we haven’t enough help right now, I’ve asked them to take the carriages to go fetch the young hostesses here to keep you company. The poles on the carriages must have accidentally backed into the boards of the staircase.”
“It’s a good thing that you mention this,” said Pilgrim. “Quickly tell them not to go. For one thing we’re still keeping the diet, and for another our brothers have not yet arrived. Wait till they come in tomorrow, then we’ll invite some call girls for the whole order to have some fun right here. After we’ve sold our horses, we’ll leave.”
“Good man! Good man!” said the widow. “You’ve not destroyed the peace, but you’ve saved your own energy at the same time!” She called out, “Bring back the carriages. No need to fetch the girls.” After the four had finished the wine and rice, the utensils were taken away, and the attendants left.
Tripitaka whispered behind Pilgrim’s ear, “Where shall we sleep?” “Up here,” replied Pilgrim. “It’s not quite safe,” said Tripitaka. “All of us are rather tired. When we’re asleep, if someone from this household chances to come by to fix things up and notices our bald heads if our caps roll off, they will see that we’re monks. What shall we do if they begin yelling?”
“Indeed!” replied Pilgim. He went again to the head of the stairs to tap his foot, and the widow came up once more to ask, “What does Master Sun want?”
“Where shall we sleep?” asked Pilgrim. “Why, up here, of course!” said the woman. “There are no mosquitoes. You may open wide the windows, and with a nice southerly breeze, it’s perfect for you to sleep.”
“No, we can’t,” said Pilgrim. “Our Third Master Zhu here is somewhat allergic to dampness, and Fourth Master Sha has arthritic shoulders. Big Brother Tang can only sleep in the dark, and I, too, am rather sensitive to light. This is no place to sleep.” The mama walked downstairs and, leaning on the counter, began to sigh. A daughter of hers, carrying a child, approached and said, “Mother, as the proverb says,
For ten days you sit on the shore;
In one day you may pass nine beaches.
Since this is the hot season, we haven’t much business, but by the time of the fall, business may increase so much that we can’t even cope with it. Why are you sighing?”
“Child,” replied the woman, “I’m not worrying about lack of business, for at dusk today I was ready to close shop. But at the hour when the night watch began, four horse traders came to rent a room. Since they wanted the superior-class accommodation, I was hoping to make a few pennies’ profit from them. But they keep a vegetarian diet, and that completely dashes my hopes. That’s why I’m sighing.”
Her daughter said, “If they have eaten our rice, they can’t leave and go to another household. Tomorrow we can prepare meat and wine for them. Why can’t we make our profit then?” “But they are all sick,” said the woman again, “afraid of draft, sensitive to light; they all want to sleep in a dark place. Come to think of it, all the buildings in our household are covered by single-tiered transparent tiles. Where are we going to find a dark enough place for them? I think we’d better consider donating the meal to them and ask them to go someplace else.”
“Mother,” said her daughter, “there’s a dark place in my building, and it has no draft. It’s perfect!”
“Where is that?” asked the woman. The daughter said, “When father was alive, he made a huge wardrobe trunk about four feet wide, seven feet long, and at least three feet deep. Six or seven people can probably sleep in it. Tell them to go inside the wardrobe and sleep there.” “I wonder if it’s acceptable,” said the woman. “Let me ask them. Hey, Master Sun, our humble dwelling is terribly small, and there is no dark place. We have only a huge wardrobe trunk which neither wind nor light can get through. How about sleeping in that?”
“Fine! Fine! Fine!” replied Pilgrim. Several of the hired hands were asked at once to haul out the wardrobe and remove the door before they were told to go downstairs. With Pilgrim leading his master and Sha Monk picking up the pole of luggage, they walked behind the lamplight to the wardrobe. Without regard for good or ill, Eight Rules immediately crawled in. After handing him the luggage, Sha Monk helped the Tang Monk in before entering himself.
“Where’s our horse?” asked Pilgrim. One of the attendants on the side replied, “It’s tethered at the rear of the house and feeding.”
“Bring it, along with the feed,” said Pilgrim, “and tether it tightly beside the wardrobe.” Only then did he himself enter the wardrobe. He cried, “Mama Zhao, put on the door, stick in the bolt and lock it up. Then take a look for us and see whether there are any holes anywhere that light may get through. Paste them up with paper. Tomorrow, come early and open the wardrobe.” “You’re much too careful!” said the widow. Thereafter everyone left to close the doors and sleep, and we shall leave those people for the moment.
We tell you now about the four of them inside the wardrobe. How pitiful! For one thing, it was the first time they had ever worn head wraps; for another, the weather was hot. Moreover, it was very stuffy because no breeze could get in. They all took off their wraps and their clothes, but without fans they could only wave their monk caps a little. Crowding and leaning on one another, they all began to doze by about the hour of the second watch.
Pilgrim, however, was determined to be mischievous! As he was the only one who could not sleep, he stretched out his hand and gave Eight Rules’s leg a pinch. Pulling back his leg, our Idiot mumbled, “Go to sleep! Look how miserable we are! And you still find it interesting to pinch people’s arms and legs for fun?” As a lark, Pilgrim began to say, “We originally had five thousand taels of silver. We sold some horses previously for three thousand taels, and right now, there are still four thousand taels left in the money bags. We can also s
ell our present herd of horses for three thousand taels, and we’ll have both capital and profit. That’s enough! That’s enough!” Eight Rules, of course, was a man intent on sleeping, and he refused to answer him.
Little did they know that the waiters, the water haulers, and the fire tenders of this hotel had always been part of a band of thieves. When they heard Pilgrim speaking of so much silver, some of them slipped out at once and called up some twenty other thieves, who arrived with torches and staffs to rob the horse traders. As they rushed in, Widow Zhao and her daughter were so terrified that they slammed shut the door of their own building and let the thieves do what they pleased. Those bandits, you see, did not want anything from the hotel; all they desired was to find the guests. When they saw no trace of them upstairs, they searched everywhere with torches and came upon the huge wardrobe in the courtyard. To one of the legs a white horse was tethered. The wardrobe was tightly locked, and they could not pry open the door.
The thieves said, “Worldly people like us have to be observant! If this wardrobe is so heavy, there must be luggage and riches locked inside. What if we steal the horse, haul the wardrobe outside the city, break it up, and divide the contents among ourselves—wouldn’t that be nice?” Indeed, those thieves did find some ropes and poles, with which they proceeded to haul the wardrobe out of the hotel. As they walked, the load swayed from side to side.
Waking up with a start, Eight Rules said, “O Elder Brother, please go to sleep! Why are you shaking us?” “Don’t talk!” said Pilgrim. “No one’s shaking you.” Tripitaka and Sha Monk also woke up and cried, “Who is carrying us?” “Don’t shout! Don’t shout!” said Pilgrim. “Let them carry us. If they haul us all the way to the Western Heaven, it’ll save us some walking!”
When those thieves succeeded in getting away from the hotel, they did not head for the West; instead, they hauled the chest toward the east of the city, where they broke out after killing some of the guards at the city gate. That disturbance, of course, alerted people in the six boulevards and three marts, the firemen and guards living in various stations. The reports went quickly to the Regional Patrol Commander and the East City Warden’s office. Since this was an affair for which they had to assume responsibility, the commander and the warden at once summoned the cavalry and archers to pursue the thieves out of the city. When the thieves saw how strong the government troops were, they dared not contend with them. Putting down the huge wardrobe and abandoning the white horse, they fled in every direction. The government troops did not manage even to catch half a thief, but they did take the wardrobe and caught the horse, and they returned in triumph. As he looked at the horse beneath the lights, the commander saw that it was a fine creature indeed:
Its mane parts like silver threads;
Its tail dangles as strips of jade.
Why mention the Eight Noble Dragon Steeds?4
This one surpasses Suxiang’s5 slow trotting.
Its bones would fetch a thousand gold,
This wind-chaser through ten thousand miles.
He climbs mountains oft to join the green clouds,
Neighs at the moon, and fuses with white snow.
Truly a dragon that has left the isles,
A jade unicorn that man loves to own!
The commander, instead of riding his own horse, mounted this white horse to lead his troops back into the city. The wardrobe was hauled into his official residence, where it was then sealed with an official tape issued jointly by him and the warden. Soldiers were to guard it until dawn, when they could memorialize to the king to see about its disposal. As the other troops retired, we shall leave them for the moment.
We tell you instead about the elder Tang inside the wardrobe, who complained to Pilgrim saying, “You ape-head! You’ve just about put me to death! If we had stayed outside and been caught and sent before the king of the Dharma-Destroying Kingdom, we could still argue with him. Now we are locked up in a wardrobe, abducted by thieves, and then recovered by government troops. When we see the king tomorrow, we’ll be ready-made victims for him to complete his number of ten thousand!”
Pilgrim said, “There are people outside right now! If they open the wardrobe and take us out, we’ll either be bound or hanged! Do try to be more patient, so that we don’t have to face the ropes. When we see that befuddled king tomorrow, old Monkey has his own way of answering him. I promise you that you’ll not be harmed one whit. Now relax and sleep.”
By about the hour of the third watch, Pilgrim exercised his ability and eased his rod out. Blowing his immortal breath on it, he cried, “Change!” and it changed into a three-pointed drill. He drilled along the bottom edge of the wardrobe two or three times and made a small hole. Retrieving the drill, he changed with one shake of his body into an ant and crawled out. Then he changed back into his original form to soar on the clouds into the royal palace. The king at that moment was sleeping soundly.
Using the Grand Magic of Body-Division in the Assembly of Gods, Pilgrim ripped off all the hairs on his left arm. He blew his immortal breath on them, crying, “Change!” They all changed into tiny Pilgrims. From his right arm he pulled off all the hairs, too, and blew his immortal breath on them, crying, “Change!” They changed into sleep-inducing insects. Then he recited another magic spell, which began with the letter Oṃ, to summon the local spirits of the region into his presence. They were told to lead the small Pilgrims so that they could scatter throughout the royal palace, the Five Military Commissions, the Six Ministries, and the residences of officials high and low. Anyone with rank and appointment would be given a sleep-inducing insect, so that he would sleep soundly without even turning over.
Pilgrim also took up his golden-hooped rod; with a sqeeze and a wave, he cried, “Treasure, change!” It changed at once into hundreds and thousands of razor blades. He took one of them, and he told the tiny Pilgrims each to take one, so that they could go into the palace, the commissions, and the ministries to shave heads. Ah! This is how it was:
Dharma-king would the boundless dhartna destroy,
Which fills the world and reaches the great Way.
All dharma-causes are of substance one;
Trīyana’s wondrous forms are all the same.
The jade cupboard’s drilled through, the truth is known;6
Gold hairs are scattered and blindness is removed.
Dharma-king will surely the right fruit attain:
Birthless and deathless, in the void he’ll remain.
The shaving activities that went on for half the night were completely successful. Thereafter Pilgrim recited his spell to dismiss the local spirits. With one shake of his body he retrieved the hairs of both his arms. The razor blades he squeezed back into their true and original form—one golden-hooped rod—which he then reduced in size to store in his ear once more. He next assumed the form of an ant to crawl back into the wardrobe before changing into his original appearance to accompany the Tang Monk in his confinement. There we shall leave them for the moment.
We tell you now about those palace maidens and harem girls in the inner chambers of the royal palace, who rose before dawn to wash and do their hair. Everyone of them had lost her hair. The hair of all the palace eunuchs, young and old, had also vanished. They crowded outside the palatial bedchambers to start the music for waking the royal couple, all fighting hard to hold back their tears and not daring to report their mishap.
In a little while, the queen of the three palaces awoke, and she too found that her hair was gone. Hurriedly she moved a lamp to glance at the dragon bed: there in the midst of the silk coverlets a monk was sleeping!7 Unable to contain herself, the queen began to speak and her words awoke the king. When the king opened his eyes, all he saw was the bald head of the queen. Sitting bolt upright, he said, “My queen, why do you look like this?”
“But my lord is also like this!” replied the queen. One touch of his own head sent the king into sheer panic, crying, “What has become of us?” In that moment of desperat
ion, the consorts of six halls, the palace maidens, and the eunuchs young and old all entered with bald heads. They knelt down and said, “Our lord, we have all become Buddhist priests!”
When the king saw them, tears fell from his eyes. “It must be the result of our slaughtering the monks,” he said. Whereupon he gave this decree: “You are forbidden, all of you, to mention your loss of hair, for we fear that the civil and military officials would criticize the unrighteousness of the state. Let’s prepare to hold court at the main hall.”
We tell you now about all those officials, high and low, in the Five Commissions and Six Ministries, who were about to have an audience with the throne at dawn. As each one of them, you see, had also lost his hair during the night, they were all busily preparing memorials to report the incident. Thus you could hear that
Three times the whip struck as they faced the king:
The cause of their shorn hair they would make known.
We do not know what has happened to the stolen goods recovered by the commander of the government troops; let’s listen to the explanation in the next chapter.
EIGHTY-FIVE
Mind Monkey envies Wood Mother;
The demon lord plots to devour Chan.
We were telling you about the morning court of the king, during which many civil and military officials presented their memorials, saying, “Our Lord, please pardon your subjects for being remiss in their manners.”
“Our worthy ministers have not departed from their customary good deportment,” replied the king. “What is remiss in your manners?”
“O Our Lord!” said the various ministers; “we do not know the reason, but during the night all your subjects lost their hair.” Clutching those memorials that complained of loss of hair, the king descended from his dragon couch to say to his subjects, “Indeed we do not know the reason either, but we and the other members of the royal palace, high and low, also lost all our hair.” As tears gushed from their eyes, ruler and subjects said to one another, “From now on, we wouldn’t dare slaughter monks!”