by Shona Husk
She knew that feeling, especially when it came to family. ‘Yeah … was dinner that bad?’
‘It fell through bad and kept on going. And then I fucked up.’ He squeezed his eyes closed, obviously hurting.
She wanted to reach out, but wasn’t sure how to. It wasn’t what they did. So she tried to lighten the moment. ‘No one is dead?’
He started laughing, but there was no joy in it. ‘Only me when it all comes out.’
Now she was really worried about what he’d done that could be so bad. ‘Do I need to kick you out of my car? You know I’m not here for this.’
She tried to keep her voice light but couldn’t mask the worry for him, and for herself. What they had was escalating and she was losing control … had lost control. Every time he rang she jumped. Worse, she was hoping he’d ring.
She liked him.
And not in the fuck buddy way.
She swallowed. She was falling for him. He wasn’t just the hot guy on stage anymore.
Dan opened his eyes. ‘I know. There’s no one else I could call who wouldn’t make me feel worse.’
He leaned over and kissed her. His lips were cool and hungry, as though he couldn’t be sure when he’d get to taste her again. For a moment she gave in, knowing when he fessed up she may not want to be kissing him.
Please don’t ruin this for me. She wanted to keep on liking him.
Indigo drew back. ‘Just tell me what is going on.’
Chapter 11
Dan gave her a quick rundown on what had happened during dinner after she’d agreed to drive him to his place. She was sure he was leaving bits out, but having his ex turn up to a family dinner and arguing with her had to be bad. Then having his family be on her side worse. She could see what he meant about going downhill.
She parked on the street out the front of his place. ‘And then?’ She knew there was more as he’d said he’d made it worse.
‘You can park in my bay.’ He pointed to the empty spot.
‘Where’s your car?’ Maybe it was still at his parents’ place, but she doubted it.
‘That’s the second part of my tale of woe.’ He looked at his hands.
She looked at him and raised her eyebrows. He had a flair for the dramatic. Something she hadn’t picked up on when watching him perform. Somehow her one-night stand with a rock star was becoming so much more and that was terrifying.
While she was falling for him, she doubted very much that the feeling was mutual. He’d only call her up until he was tired of her or someone more interesting came along. She was becoming too available. That had to stop.
After tonight.
Tonight he wanted her and he’d called her … because he had no one else. What would he have done if she’d ignored his call?
She parked in his spot. Turned off her car and looked at him.
He unclipped his seat belt and drew in a deep breath. ‘You’re going to think I’m dumb.’
‘Family can make us do dumb things.’ She unclipped her belt so she could twist around and look at him. ‘You aren’t the only one with a messed up family.’
He lifted his head and looked at her. ‘Yeah? You got a scheming father and a lying ex in the closet?’
‘Not quite.’ Did she tell him? It was another step closer. They were showing scars and swapping war stories. He was waiting for her to say something. She never spoke about her parents. Couldn’t. ‘My parents are the unhappily married type. They scared me off anything permanent.’
She hoped that he’d get what she didn’t want to say aloud. She wasn’t girlfriend material.
He nodded as if understanding. ‘I think my parents are happy. I dunno.’ He frowned. ‘My father thinks money can fix things. He thought he could use Lisa to fix me.’
‘You don’t need fixing.’ She put her hand on his leg.
He smiled. ‘You are the only person who thinks that at the moment.’
What about his band mates? What else was going on? ‘Life’s not that bad. New album, new single—you’re living the dream.’
‘I know. I know that but I’m fucking it up. I can’t get anything right.’ He swore, then covered her hand with his. ‘When Lisa rocked up I started matching my father drink for drink.’
Indigo groaned. She knew exactly where this was going. Drinking was a socially acceptable hobby where she’d grown up. If you weren’t getting pissed most nights you were doing it wrong. It hadn’t been her scene. She wasn’t popular enough to be invited to the parties. She’d seen the fallout though. Wrecked cars. Wrecked reputations and an unplanned baby. ‘Tell me you aren’t as stupid as you are beginning to sound.’
She knew where his car was now. Parked somewhere. Unless it was wrapped around a pole. But Dan didn’t seem injured, and if he had been in a car accident surely he’d be in hospital under observation, or at least in a cell after being charged by the cops.
He was silent, like he didn’t want to admit it to anymore.
‘Were you in an accident?’ She made her voice softer this time. He’d said no one was dead except for him when the truth came out.
He shook his head. ‘I ran a stop sign. I got pulled over … I have to go to court and I’m going to lose my licence.’
She breathed a sigh of relief. ‘At least you didn’t hurt anyone.’ Then she punched him in the arm. ‘What the hell?’
‘Ow.’ He rubbed his arm. ‘Did you miss my explanation of dinner?’
‘So your ex is a troublemaking clinger and your family loves her. Drinking never solved anything.’
‘Bullshit. It takes away a whole lot of agony.’ There was a snarl like a wounded animal beneath his words. The smiling, laughing, good-time guy was gone.
Who was this stranger in her car?
Every time she’d seen him they’d been drinking. She’d been in his car after he’d been drinking. That thought made her sick. She’d trusted him. Her stomach rolled. ‘When was your last AFD?’
‘What?’ He frowned.
‘Alcohol-free day? How much did you drink before I got into your car and you drove?’ It was her life. She deserved to know all of the risks and to make her own choices.
He blinked and frowned. ‘I don’t know … It’s fine. This is the first time I’ve been over the limit.’
‘That you’ve been caught over.’ She corrected, then she swore several colourful and coarse curses. ‘What were you thinking?’
‘That I had to get through dinner sitting opposite to my lying bitch of an ex. That I have been trying to get over what she did for the last six months and yet I keep getting kicked in the nuts. I’m fucking sick of it.’ His fist thumped his leg. ‘My father cut off my funds unless I quit the band. We’re all broke, waiting, praying for some money to come in.’ He scrubbed his hand over his face. ‘There’s some behind the scenes information you didn’t need.’ He seemed to wilt as though he had run out of everything. ‘Sell the story, you might make some money. No one else is.’
‘You think that’s what I’m going to do?’ She wasn’t that person.
‘Lisa would if she thought it would win her points with my family. Lisa is only interested in the money.’
How much money did his family have? He was well out of her league. Further than she’d thought. ‘I don’t care about the money or lack of.’
He gave her a small smile. ‘You came up to me because of what I do.’
Yeah, she had. Now everything she knew couldn’t be undone. She’d never be able to listen to the music and not think of him and everything she knew.
She breathed in and then out as she looked at him. Even after his rough night he was still looking too good. She knew he rolled out of bed looking like he was ready for trouble while she was still tangled in the sheets. This was the moment when she either pulled him back into bed or showed him the door.
She either opened up or closed up.
When he looked at her there was something there. Something that made her heart jump and it scared her. They were too
different. He was two different people. The man on stage, the rock star, and the one she now knew had problems he didn’t know how to fix.
She couldn’t be his superglue. He’d go as soon as he was back together and she’d be the one left broken. It would be better if she let him go now.
How could she when he was bleeding all over her car. He needed a friend.
She didn’t know how to be that person. She wasn’t friends with guys. She used them the way they used her.
‘Yeah I did.’ That was on her, she’d started this because she hadn’t been able to resist. It was time she took responsibility for what was happening, because he wasn’t. ‘I like you but, well, you’ve been drunk the whole time we were together.’
Would he have even looked twice at her if not for that free beer?
He put his hand over hers. ‘There is a difference between drunk and taking the edge off.’
‘Yeah? Next time you drive tell that to the person you kill.’
He pulled back startled. ‘I wouldn’t …’ But he seemed to realise that he had no argument.
She brushed away a tear that had no right to be falling. They weren’t together, so they weren’t breaking up, so there should be no pain to be felt. ‘Call me when you are sober.’
‘You aren’t my mother or my ex. We were supposed to be fun.’
She shook her head. She didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t face their problems and make a plan to deal with them. Her father hid in his affairs. Dan was hiding in a bottle. ‘Well, now it’s not.’
He pressed his lips together. ‘Fine.’
‘Fine.’
‘Have a nice life.’ He opened up the car door and got out.
‘Hope your liver holds up to the rock star life,’ she called after him, wanting the last word.
He slammed her car door and stalked toward his door. He fumbled the keys and bent to pick them up. Her vision blurred. Goddamn tears. What the hell?
She started the car, needing distance between the man she’d thought he was and the man he’d turned out to be.
Dan didn’t look back. After the night he’d had, he didn’t need her yelling at him. He should’ve walked home from the train station instead of calling her, but he’d wanted her. When he was with her nothing was quite as bad. His hand was shaking as he locked the door, then he rested his forehead on the cold wood. He listened as her car finally reversed and drove away.
In his gut he knew he wouldn’t be seeing her again.
She wouldn’t take his calls.
Assuming he wanted to call her, which he didn’t. He had enough people telling him what to do. He didn’t need someone else reminding him that he had screwed up, again.
Which he had. He lifted his head and let it fall back against the door.
‘Dumb fuck, what are you going to do without a licence?’
There was no way he was going to be able to slip that one past the band. And he was going to have to go and get his car tomorrow before someone reported it as abandoned and it got stickered or towed.
He sighed and didn’t move. He was tired, yet wired with uncertainty. There was no way he was going to court with his father at his side. He’d go alone.
No one outside of the band needed to know.
Indigo knew.
He groaned. He’d been thinking with his dick when he’d called her. What were the chances she’d tell someone? How much did she hate him right now? Hate the band? His head thunked against the door. He missed her already.
She was probably deleting all his songs from her phone.
Now he knew why Ed had warned them all to pull their heads in. Fucking with fans was fraught with danger. He’d seen the warning signs but had ignored them, the same way he’d ignored so many other warnings.
It was as if he was incapable of doing the right thing in any part of his life.
Being with Indigo had felt right. It was why he’d wanted to keep seeing her. She was the best thing in his life. He’d smiled with her … drunk less with her. She probably wouldn’t see that as a compliment. It had been easy with her, no tricks or games.
She’d left ice-cream in his freezer. He’d bet she was never coming back to eat the rest with him.
The weight and the tiredness returned, wrapping him in a blanket of bone deep weariness that had made it hard to even get up in the morning for months. No one knew how hard it had been to keep going last year. To get through Christmas, record the album. When he and Mike had gone out, Mike had picked up while he’d concentrated on getting blind drunk.
He had to move and go to bed. His feet were sore from walking to the train station and his pride was smarting. His heart was also bruised. This one was fresh and painful over the old scars that were still healing.
He peeled himself off the door and walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and squinted into the light as he pulled out a beer. Just one so he could sleep.
Someone was thumping on his door. Dan pulled the blanket over his head. He hadn’t slept well. He had a headache, which promised to be the start of a hangover, and he felt as though he’d been thrown under a bus.
The flat went quiet. And he relaxed. Just a few more hours of sleep was all he needed to feel halfway human. Of course, now he was awake he was thirsty and he needed to pee. Then his phone started ringing.
He swore as he threw the cover back and pulled on jeans that had been lying on the floor. He needed to clean up and do some laundry. His phone was still going. It wasn’t in his pocket, must be in the kitchen.
It was on the kitchen counter.
Lisa. He hit ignore. He had nothing to say to her.
The knocking started again.
‘I’m coming.’ Keep your shirt on.
He opened the door hoping it wasn’t the cops … maybe it would be Indigo. His hopes were smashed by Lisa standing there with a smile on her lips. He’d thought it cute once. The way she’d smiled like she knew exactly what was going on.
Not anymore. She was sharpening too many knives behind her back while painting targets on his.
‘Why are you here? Which part of I never want to see you again do you not understand?’ It was too early to be nice and he owed her nothing.
‘We need to be civil. We need to talk.’
‘No and no.’ He started to shut the door, but she got in the way. He glared at her.
‘I know why you hate me. But you’re wrong.’
‘Oh really? I imagined up the pregnancy, the phone calls, the ultimatum … It’s my fault?’ He was so glad he hadn’t quit the band. The alternative was living with this woman and it made his skin crawl to think how much he had loved her. And how little she had loved him.
She shook her head. The ends of her dark hair brushed, her perfectly ironed button-down shirt. Even her jeans looked freshly washed and pressed. He needed a shower and was probably looking as though he’d slept under the bed, not in it.
‘You don’t understand.’ He recognised the pleading tone. Once he’d caved as soon as it had started, convinced that she really needed him. Now it made him recoil.
‘I’m pretty sure I do.’
‘Dan, I needed to get you home and I figured out a way to do that.’
He knew that. Because she sure as hell hadn’t talked to him about coming off the pill and getting pregnant.
‘I thought if I was pregnant you’d want to get a real job so we could settle down. Your dad would pay off my uni debt, we’d get a house deposit and it would be sweet.’
‘Sorry, I missed the part where we’re madly in love and want each other to be happy.’ There was no way he’d have been happy trapped in that life, working nine to five in a box and then coming home to a wife whose only goal was to get more out of his father. He didn’t get on with his father, or appreciate his bribes, but what she was doing was so wrong. However, none of that had stopped him from mourning the loss. The loss of Lisa and the baby. He still wanted that life … but not with her.
‘Grow up. Adults ge
t jobs and pay bills.’
He shrugged. ‘I have a job and I pay my bills.’
‘I know Daddy cut you off.’ She smirked.
‘And?’ He wasn’t going to let her see how much that hurt. He had to act as though there was money in the bank. Only Indigo knew the truth. He wished he hadn’t been quite so honest last night.
‘You need me. He likes me. We would be a great team.’
He looked at her. ‘When did you realise that you loved me for my family’s money?’
‘My mother always said it was just as easy to love a man with money.’
‘Did you ever love me?’
‘Yes.’ She had the nerve to look perplexed, as if she couldn’t understand why he’d think otherwise. ‘Which is why I had to talk to you. You can’t hate me for killing our baby. There was no baby. I was never pregnant.’ She smiled as though that admission put everything right.
Dan gripped the door tighter. His knuckles whitened. ‘You lied to me?’
She gave a little smile, like it was a joke or a slight misunderstanding. ‘I thought it would make you see reason.’
‘And if I had dropped everything and come home? What then?’ He’d have come home to get a job and settle down … the whole time looking over his shoulder at what the band was doing and regretting leaving. He’d decided to stay in the band and over east, hoping that Lisa would come around and see he could be both rock star and father. He’d obviously been living in some deluded fantasy, as it was never going to happen. She’d have never been happy until he was locked in to a steady job that killed his soul a little more with every passing day.
‘Miscarriages happen. But you’d have been home and we’d be together and it would’ve been fine.’
She’d been prepared to carry on the lie. She’d have let him grieve … and he’d have never known the truth.
She’d already let him suffer for six months, knowing he must be hurting.
‘There’s no need to be angry, Dan.’
He swallowed as rage bubbled up, burning away the grief and loss he’d felt. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? You lied to me … you let me believe that you were pregnant.’