by Shona Husk
He glanced at Mike. ‘You never craved it did you?’
Mike shook his head. ‘No. And I knew I was fucking myself up.’
‘I can’t imagine not being able to drink.’ There was nothing better than a cold beer at the end of a forty-degree day, or a show, or while playing games … it was amazing how many places he could make a beer fit.
‘Cut back.’ Mike turned the page over. ‘Moderation. There are drugs that take away the buzz.’
‘Ugh.’ He wasn’t that bad. He could stop. He hadn’t had a drink in two days. And it was killing him, not that he was going to admit that.
‘Ed is serious. If you get on stage, or you show up half pissed to rehearsal or filming …’
‘I get it.’ He wasn’t going to mess this up. Living with Ed and his parents was going to be a barrel of laughs, but it was his only chance. He was hating it already.
‘Good. Let’s get this loaded and go out.’
‘So you can all drink in front of me.’ Who needed enemies?
Mike shook his head and picked up a box. Dan grabbed a pile of clothes and shoved them into a large rubbish bag. He stopped in the front door and looked back at the flat. He’d moved in after the break-up with Lisa. The worst six months of his life had been spent here.
He drew in a breath. No, he wasn’t sad to be moving out. It was almost a relief as he could close that chapter off his life and move on. Moving on didn’t mean pretending that it never happened either.
Maybe it was time he grew up. Grown-ups made mistakes but learned from them. That was what he was going to do. What he had to do. Even if he didn’t know what he was supposed to be learning. He shut the door and locked it.
After emptying Mike’s car and filling Kirsten’s old bedroom, now his room, with boxes and bags, none of which were getting unpacked, they all piled into Mike’s car. Ed wanted to get out and celebrate their success. In Fremantle they took up a table in a dark corner of a Mexican restaurant.
‘This isn’t just to celebrate Dan’s move and freedom from his ex.’ Ed grinned and pulled out his phone. Then he placed it on the table so everyone could see the email. ‘This is big. Every time this drama is advertised on TV or radio, our song is going to be played.’
Dan leaned forward and groaned when he saw which song it was. Gemma swore and then slapped him on the shoulder. ‘Nice going.’
Of all the songs that could’ve been picked it was the one he’d written the lyrics for while drowning in his own misery and tearing himself apart. ‘Seppuku’. He should’ve known that writing something so personal would come back to bite him on the ass.
Everyone else was thrilled and ordering beers. He didn’t … even though he really wanted to.
‘How long have you known?’ Dan asked.
‘I told you that there was some interest, but I didn’t know it was for that song. It will probably be a single now. This is the start. Things are looking up.’
Yeah, they were.
The waitress placed the cola down in front of him. It wasn’t what he wanted. He almost expected someone to comment. No one did. He was sure that if he had ordered a beer they would’ve.
He’d work this out. Find a way back to being able to have one or two and not every day. He was sure that Ed would count his drinks for him, but Dan was also sure that as long as he asked for help he’d get it. They hadn’t kicked him out, but he had to prove that he was going to change. Or at least trying.
He might have been rolling drunk that night, but he remembered what Ripley had said. The best was to annoy his father was to be successful, not a fuck-up. That was a complete one-eighty shift for him. But even bigger, he wanted to be successful because that was the life he wanted. That his friends wanted, and they were in this together.
Over dinner they celebrated another step forward for the band. Tonight they believed they could take on the world and win. They ate and imagined sold out stadium tours in the US.
Selling the Sun as a headliner at festivals.
Being too famous to walk around Fremantle.
Those things still seemed out of reach, but they were closer. Closer than they’d ever been.
Indigo was way out of reach. No, she wasn’t just out of reach. She was completely gone, over the horizon, and out of his universe gone. She wished she’d never even met him.
He didn’t feel the same way.
As they left the restaurant to head back, Dan stopped on the footpath. Indigo would be working. He’d brought up her number several times, but hadn’t been able to call her. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to win her back or if it was even possible, but he knew if he didn’t try it would haunt him.
How much did she really hate him? Or was she hurting like he was? He’d held the knife and cut them both—how stupid was he? He knew the answer.
‘Come on.’ Gemma tugged on his arm.
If he left it any longer there would be nothing but a ghost of something that could’ve been. Maybe there wasn’t anything left and he’d already missed the moment, but he needed to know for sure or he’d always wonder what would have happened if he’d put his ass on the line and asked her out. Do it properly. She’d said that she didn’t want a relationship and he’d said the same thing … but when they’d been together it had been what he wanted. If that wasn’t the start of something more, what was?
‘I’ve got something to do.’ He crossed South Terrace before anyone could stop him.
He walked on, aware that they were following.
Did they think he was going to run off to the pub to drink? He literally had five dollars in his wallet and not much more in his account. All the money he’d spent on booze over the last six months. He didn’t even want to think about it.
When he walked into the pub Mike called his name.
Let them follow.
Dan cast his gaze over the bar area. She wasn’t serving. He kept looking, she had to be here. Then he saw her clearing tables. People who’d stopped in after work for a meal and a drink were leaving, while those who were getting ready for a big night out weren’t making an appearance yet.
He exhaled and then walked over to her.
She turned, her eyes widening, then growing cold when she saw him. ‘I have nothing to say to you.’
‘Please. Give me a few minutes.’ That was all he was asking. She didn’t owe him that, but he liked her a lot. They’d had fun and when he was with her he had stopped hurting and thinking of all the bad shit.
She shook her head. ‘I’m working.’
‘Do you get a break, please? I know you’re mad.’
She frowned and her lip curled in disgust. ‘You can sleep with whoever you want. But not me. We are done.’ Her words caught as they left her lips and he knew that wasn’t entirely true. She brushed past him.
He followed, well aware that his friends were watching.
He was going to crash and burn with an audience. He hated people seeing him … it was easier on stage when they saw what they wanted. If it had only been one afternoon with Indigo then he’d have remained rock star Dan, now she knew the ugly truth.
Was it too much?
He walked after her. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.’
Indigo shifted the weight of the tray she was holding. ‘I don’t care what you have to say. We had fun but that’s all it was. Cheap thrills. That’s what you like, right? Cheap and easy?’
He winced, but didn’t try to deny it. They hadn’t started out the best way, but that didn’t mean there was nothing there. ‘I like you. I didn’t plan on liking you.’
Her eyebrows lifted. He wasn’t doing a very good job of this. He didn’t know how. Had he ever had to fight for anything, or had he always walked away when things got hard?
The background music stopped. Indigo turned her head, Dan’s gaze followed. Ed was leaning over the bar talking to the other bartender.
What the hell was he doing?
‘Oh God.’ Dan rubbed his hand over his fa
ce as the first few measures of ‘Breathing Ashes’ started playing. Just what he needed in the background, the stupid ballad he’d written with Gemma about being in love and the other person not knowing. Ed had created a beautiful melody to carry the lyrics, but it wasn’t what he wanted to be hearing now.
It was the wrong song for the occasion. He didn’t love Indigo. He didn’t know her well enough, but he wanted that chance.
Indigo looked at him and raised an eyebrow. She was no doubt familiar with song and its meaning. ‘I don’t even want to look at you.’
Saying that he didn’t enjoy it wouldn’t change a thing. ‘We weren’t together.’
‘Oh … but you said you were only sleeping with me. What exactly was going on? How many others were there?’
‘There was no one else. You didn’t want a boyfriend, you’d made that clear. You weren’t even answering my texts.’
‘So after one argument you let someone else suck you off?’ she said, a touch too loudly, and people glanced over.
‘It wasn’t like that.’ It just looked very much like that.
‘Would you have told me if I hadn’t found out?’
He hesitated. He had no idea. If they’d been dating it wouldn’t have happened.
She glared at him. ‘That was your chance to say something smart.’
‘I can’t change it. It happened.’ If he hadn’t gone out, or if she hadn’t brushed him off, or if he’d said no to the girl and meant it, he wouldn’t be standing here now. ‘But we had something, and I miss you.’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t trust you once you’re out of sight.’
That hurt like a knee to the balls. The pain radiated up through his gut and for a moment it was hard to breathe. His friends were watching. Were other people realising what was going on? The room grew hot, like he was under a spotlight.
‘I’m not that person. I don’t want to be that person. I’m not going to deny that it happened—I wish to God it hadn’t—but at the time …’ he sighed. ‘I didn’t even want her. Which probably makes it ten times worse.’ He looked away. Now would be a good time to salvage some pride and walk away. ‘I drink too much, but I’m working on it. I’ll tell you all about Lisa when it doesn’t kill me to say her name. I just want to give us a chance. I want to date you properly.’
Dan stood there, his thumbs hooked into the pockets of his jeans. Waiting. He could have anyone. He could’ve tried to deny the head job in the club, but he hadn’t. He could’ve blamed her. While she wanted to ask why he was even here, it was painfully obvious he wanted her.
She had no idea why. No one had ever made any kind of effort to fight for something with her.
Around her the familiar noise of the bar was almost covering their conversation. She hadn’t missed that the lead singer of Selling the Sun had been commandeering the sound system. Over Dan’s shoulder she could see Gemma and Mike.
The whole band was here. Her toes scrunched against her shoes. The whole band. No pressure. They were watching what was happening. How much had he told them?
‘Maybe I was just seeing you to meet the band.’ She put the tray down on an empty table.
‘Then you wouldn’t be pushing me away, you’d be asking for an introduction.’ He hooked a thumb in the direction of the rest of the band. ‘If it was really nothing, and you’re done, tell me. I’ll delete your number and I won’t look back.’
She raked her teeth over her lip. They hadn’t been dating, but it had started to feel like they were and she’d run, pushed him away when they’d been on the edge of going deeper. She took a breath. It wasn’t her fault what he’d done. It probably wasn’t cheating as they hadn’t been together. But it had pushed all the wrong buttons. She didn’t think she could jump back into bed with him and not think about it.
‘I don’t know where I am, or how I feel.’ She sighed, knowing it was a cop-out but not having anything else to say right now. She’d been angry and hurt, but she hadn’t expected him to want her back. ‘I don’t know if I can trust you.’
He nodded. ‘I totally get that. I don’t deserve a second chance, but I want one anyway. Tell me what I have to do.’
She had no idea. She didn’t give second chances. She usually walked away before guys had a chance to hurt her. Dan had hurt her even though they weren’t really together.
She looked at him. ‘Why did you do it?’
‘I don’t know. I had the feeling you were done with me. She came on to me, but I realised too late it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted you. I’d have rather been at home eating ice-cream in our trackie pants.’
She almost smiled. ‘We both know you wanted to go out with Ripley. And next time you get hit on … you didn’t exactly say no to me.’
He looked at the floor. ‘I’m not a cheater, Indigo.’
Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. She’d be able to get a couple of other opinions from his friends. She forced out a breath. ‘My father is. I just …’
It was too much. She couldn’t be with a guy like that. She didn’t want to wake up in twenty years and be living her mother’s life.
Dan’s eyes widened and he rocked back on his heels. ‘Oh. Shit.’
And just like that he seemed to get it. He just stood there, all the fight gone. He’d come here to win her back and she was pushing him away again.
Dan looked at her, his lips turned down as though he understood exactly why she never wanted to see him again. Except she did. She wanted to give him that chance, to date him, but the idea made her break out in a cold sweat. He was all the reasons she didn’t date. He’d proven her theory that guys grew bored and moved on, but that didn’t explain why he was back.
‘I guess this river is too wide to cross,’ he finally said.
‘Yeah, maybe. I have issues.’ She nodded. They were never going to make it. They’d drown halfway across. If they were lucky they’d wash up on the bank half dead and with more scars.
‘I should go. Let you get back to work.’ He took a step back. Then another.
Once he walked out, that was it. She knew that, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. He’d admitted to mistakes, but how much of an effort was he making? ‘When was your last AFD?’
His lips twitched. ‘I’m on day two. I’m dying. But I figure I should go three and then have one beer. Try and get back to normal, whatever that is.’
‘That sounds better than feast and famine.’
They stood there looking at each other. The attraction was still there. She wanted to ruffle his carefully styled hair and see him smile. She wanted that man back, the one who laughed and knew how to have fun—or had that always been the alcohol talking?
At the same time she didn’t want to touch him. The betrayal was still raw.
‘I don’t think I can be with you. Yet.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘I don’t know … Maybe we could take it slow?’
He smiled. Her heart gave a flip. He must know that smile was like a weapon. ‘Start over and do it right this time?’
‘You can’t erase what happened. Do-overs don’t exist.’ If she agreed this time, what happened if he slipped and his dick landed in some chick’s mouth again? ‘Let’s just try and be friends first.’
‘You want to see if you can trust me.’
‘Yeah. I do.’
He looked down. ‘So I’m on probation.’
Was he going to decide it was too hard? Was she making it too hard? She was being torn in so many different directions. Lust, fear, worry, hope. ‘I’m giving you the chance you wanted.’
How serious had he been, or was it just about sex?
‘Yeah, okay.’ He glanced up at her with a glint in his eyes. ‘Do you want to meet my friends?’
Her chest tightened. ‘Now?’
‘If we’re going to be friends, you need to meet mine.’ He took her hand and led her over to where Ed, Gemma and Mike were sitting.
Indigo fixed a smile even though she didn’t fee
l comfortable doing this. This wasn’t her world, it was his, and he was doing his best to make her a part of it. He didn’t want to keep her separate. Or secret.
She’d wanted to try being friends and he was taking her literally.
She shouldn’t be scared. She’d already seen the worst of him, and if he was dealing with it then she wanted a chance to see the best of him. Not just the man who was on stage.
Epilogue
They were flying up to Broome to film a clip tomorrow. Dan hated filming clips. It really wasn’t his thing. Tonight they were all hanging around the Vincent’s barbeque, for warmth as much as the food.
By all he meant Gemma, Ed, Mike and himself, plus Kirsten, Olivia, Ava and Indigo. This was the first time everyone had been in one place over the last month. Living here wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it would be. Ed’s parents hadn’t given him the third degree, but there was a noticeable lack of alcohol around the house.
Indigo had suggested he get some counselling.
He’d told her the same thing.
It had been a tense stand-off, but in the end they had both agreed. Maybe neither of them had been in the right place to start a relationship when they’d met. He didn’t like knowing he’d been the one to hurt her, and make it hard for her to trust him. But he liked that they were putting the pieces back together. Slowly.
They were friends, but there were definitely no benefits.
Nothing more than a kiss.
She put her hand on his back pocket and leaned against him. Everyone here assumed they were dating. He guessed they were. But this was the first time he was going to be away.
He hadn’t even been out clubbing with Ripley again, in part because Ripley was lying low and licking his wounds after injuring himself. No dancing for him right now.
Having seen the tour schedule, Dan knew he was going to be away a lot for the next six months. They were going to be doing some shows in the US. He’d let Mum know so she could tell Dad. He still wasn’t speaking to his father, it was too early to raise both hands in a giant fuck you one-finger salute, and that was all he really had to say to the man.