I feel her relax and I also feel her staring at me but I can’t look at her now. I’m sure I’m blushing like an idiot.
“Okay,” she whispers.
And that was the first defining moment of my life. That moment and the fact that we never got on that bus.
The longer we sat there the more excited Tatum got, planning our alternate life in California, and the more scared I became. She was brave enough to get on that bus and run away, she was willing to depend on us for everything. And I thought I was too. But it took too long for that damn bus to come and I started to worry about everything. And when the bus came I couldn’t get on it. I mean, I was twelve, who can blame me?
Tatum. Tatum blamed me. She was mad at me. She might have even hated me. It was the biggest fight we had ever been in. And it was during those days, when she would barely speak to me, that I found her with Nash and everything just fucking crumbled. And I still can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I would have told her what she wanted to hear. If I would have gotten on that damn bus.
Maybe Tatum would still be that girl at the bus station – the one who was in love with me and who included me, maybe even put me in the center of, her plans for the future. Maybe she wouldn’t have stopped believing in me. Maybe she wouldn’t have ever considered letting Nash into her life in the same way that she let me in.
“I want more for you, Tate,” I say after what feels like hours of silence.
“What do you mean, Brandon?”
“More. I want more for you. I want you to do more than get by. I don’t want you to have to waitress if you don’t want to. I want you to have time to read books and listen to music. I want you to do all that crazy dreaming and imagining that you used to do. I want you to be able to go where you want to, be who you want to, have what you want and what you need. I want you to be able to have someone in your life to depend on. But I don’t want you to have to rely on anyone, or anything, except for what’s inside of you. That girl who you were… at the bus stop that day… the one who thought anything was possible and that she deserved it all… I want that girl back.” I open my eyes after my little rant, fully expecting her to lose her shit on me for what she’ll perceive as judgement. But all I hear are her breaths falling into my ear from thousands of miles away.
She says nothing. The silence goes on for too long, so I finally tell her, “I remember who you used to be and you have to understand, Tate, that that girl is the last version of you I really knew so I can see it… I can see the ways that you’ve had to change. I get that you have given up complete pieces of yourself, and I want you to have them back.” I hear her sniffling on the other end of the phone. “Are you crying?” I ask out of sheer shock – the girl doesn’t cry.
“Yes, asshole, I’m crying. I do have emotions – sue me.”
I’m glad she can’t see the smile on my face. “You don’t have to be sad about it, Tate. It’s not like she’s not still in there – that fearless girl with that crazy beautiful mind. You’re still her. You’ve just been stifling that part of yourself for so long… maybe you forgot her.”
“And maybe, for my sake, it would be best if you’d just let me forget her.”
“What? Are you crazy? God, I loved that girl. She loved me too, you know,” I tell her with a laugh.
“Yeah, she did,” she quietly agrees. “Do you think…” she asks, and my heart starts beating just like it did that day in the train station.
“What, Tate?”
“I don’t know… it’s stupid. It’s just… I guess I miss… her. I miss the things I used to love. I miss waking up in the morning and being excited, you know? About the story I was writing, or the book I was reading or the band I was obsessing over, or the adventure I was planning on going on… with you. I mean, maybe that’s why I’ve always felt like I wanted to leave Carver, like there were all these things just waiting for me… Maybe what I’ve really been wanting is just… what I used to have.
“Back then I felt like I lived in the center of the universe because I didn’t even see Carver. I found a way to bring all kinds of big worlds into my small one… real ones and made up ones… and that’s where I lived.” She laughs then. “And it was great.”
I’m smiling hugely now. No, she didn’t say what I thought she was gonna say. She said something even better. “Exactly. I mean, yes. I want that for you again. I want to be part of that again. I want to live in Tatedon,” I tell her with a laugh, remembering the world she made up when we were eight. The world we lived in. The world she ruled.
“Oh my god… Tatedon. I totally forgot about that.” I can see the smile on her face. I can hear the excitement in her voice.
“How could you forget about Tatedon? I mean, that would mean you forgot about Solsucker, your magical hippo with the huge lungs who sucked all the energy out of the sun and used it to fly you around your kingdom. And I know you didn’t forget about her. You loved her.”
She’s laughing so hard now she’s practically giggling. “Oh my god, that beautiful fat little thing. I’m sorry Solsucker, how could I have forgotten about you.”
“Never again,” I tell her, seriously now.
“Yeah, Brandon. Never again,” she agrees.
We hang up an hour later and by the end of the conversation I feel like I have my Tate back. I don’t even give a shit anymore about what Nash did because she’s back. And that girl is too good for him and she knows it. They’re worlds apart. They don’t even live in neighboring Universes.
It’s weird, how everything feels different now. Like it used to. Like the atmosphere that she used to create with her energy is back and I’m living in it.
And, god, does it feel good. And oh my god, do I love her.
21
I never thought I’d be so happy to be back in Carver, but I guess it was kind of stupid to think that a place could make me happy when the people I love most are, and always will be, here. And after all the conversations I had with Brandon and after allowing myself to remember all the good times the two of us had together and how happy we were, I’m starting to miss the things I used to love. And I’m feeling that feeling that Brandon made me remember… the one where I’m excited to live.
As Nash and I walk into school on Monday morning I’m smiling like a total idiot. Ever since I came home I can’t seem to stop smiling. I’m remembering the conversation I had with Nash when I got home on Saturday morning. The one we had after her carried me directly from the car and into my bedroom, laying me down and piercing me with the beautiful green eyes that I missed so much.
“I am so in love with you, Tatum Austin. I was completely miserable without you.”
“I love you too, Nash and I can’t even come up with a word that would explain how much I hated being away from you. Away from my family. Away from… Carver.”
He sat back on his heels with a goofy grin covering his face. “What are you saying? Are you thinking about staying in this closed-minded, football-obsessed town forever… with me?”
“Yeah, Carter, that’s kind of what I’m thinking.”
In that moment the happiness that covered his face and lit up his eyes was blinding. I enjoyed it for the second I had it before his lips crashed down on me and didn’t leave my skin for the next hour.
It was a good beginning to our weekend. Nash and I spent the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday in my bed. When he was sleeping or on his phone or out having a beer with my mom I would pick up that damn copy of A Picture of Dorian Gray and this time reading it wasn’t a chore. I also found all my old notebooks that Brandon and I used to draw and write it. I’m beginning to remember all those pieces of me that Brandon was talking about. It was about the happiest I’ve ever been.
And now at school, even as we step into the fray of football players, I’m happy to be here. There was some tension with them before I left. Between Colby’s article about the football funding and Reggie’s that questioned how ethical it was for him to accept the gif
ts that colleges give him in order to try and woo him, I got the feeling that none of these guys wanted to talk to me for fear that I would take their words and turn them into controversy. But now all I’m getting is hugs and ‘welcome home’s.
Reggie comes over and hands Nash a copy of this morning’s paper. “Girl did you right,” he says, winking at me. “I guess dating her has more perks than I thought,” he adds, slapping Nash on the back before turning away.
Nash wraps an arm around me as he holds the paper. “A Son of Carver,” he muses. I’m a little uncomfortable standing next to him as he reads it over. But there’s probably no reason. I highly doubt he’ll be able to pick up on the not-so-subtle negative undertones. I pointed out the perks that he receives from this town and the spirit girls, but I also did my best to make him the representative of so many men in this town that have come before him – proud sons of Carver who relish the game of football and play it for no other reason than the fact that they love it. Men who find comradery talking about their glory days at the bar after a long day of work. Real men who work hard and are happy to live their lives in this town that they love. When I wrote it the idea that Nash would one day be one of those guys made my stomach churn. But now it just feels right. Like it really could be something to be proud of.
“This is sweet,” he says, grabbing a hold of my chin and giving me a kiss on the lips. “Thanks for not destroying me.”
“Anytime.”
Now that I’m in the clear with him, my focus shifts. I search for Brandon in the crowd but I don’t see him. I promised him I’d call as soon as I was home safe but I was distracted all weekend, mostly by him and all the conversations we had while I was in L.A. All I managed to do was send him a text when my plane touched down. “I’ll see you later,” I tell Nash, giving him one more quick kiss before finagling my way out of the crowd. I see Summer and some of the other cheerleaders by her locker so I head her way.
“Hey! You’re back,” she says enthusiastically.
“Yes, and happy to be here. Where’s Brandon?”
“He had an early meeting with Coach Mason, I guess he’s still there. Did you need him for something?”
“No, not really. I just missed him and wanted to see his face.”
“He missed you too. When he was staying with Nash; living in the old neighborhood with his best friends, he was happier than ever. But now that he’s home he seems kind of miserable. And he’s not talking to Nash. Do you know why?”
“Nash? No, I didn’t hear that.”
“Nash was a sad little baby while you were gone. Maybe Brandon just couldn’t handle hanging around his crabby butt. I bet he’s happier than ever now though,” she says suggestively.
“I’ve never seen him happier, which means whatever’s going on with Brandon isn’t serious. Maybe I’ll go check in with him though.”
“Okay, let me know how it goes,” she tells me with a nervous smile.
I head out to the field house where Coach Mason’s office is. I can see Brandon through the window on the door. Both men look serious as they talk so I take a seat on one of the benches in the locker room to wait for him.
When the door opens Brandon is saying, “I’ll put all my personal issues aside on Friday.” When he sees me he freezes.
The sight of him puts a huge smile on my face and I stand, unable to fight the urge to wrap my arms around him.
“Welcome home,” he tells me.
“I don’t know what it is with you, Miss Austin, but this is the boy’s locker room. You can’t keep coming in here.”
“Sorry, Coach. I just can’t help myself.”
He nods at me. “Those articles you’ve been writing are cute but their bringing some heat down on this organization.”
“That would be the point,” I tell him with a polite smile.
“Friday is our last game before the playoffs. I’m guessing we’ll see Brandon’s article next week?”
“Yes, you will.” I pulled his article before I left town, but now I have to write a new one.
“What’s your angle?”
Good question. “I don’t think you have to worry. I’ve been racking my brain, but I can’t seem to come up with anything negative to say about him.”
Brandon lifts his eyebrows at me, doubting my words.
“Seriously. I can’t come up with anything. You have any ideas?”
“August was an anomaly in Carver, Colby was a representative in Carver, Reggie was a star in Carver and now Nash is…”
“A son in Carver,” I say, trying to be helpful.
“I can’t deny that you hit the nail on the head with all of them so I trust, Tatum, that means Brandon will be portrayed as the outstanding leader and role model he is.”
“That’s not bad, Coach - the bully that tells everyone what to do and knows he’s better than the rest of them.”
“Not funny,” Coach says before retreating back into his office.
I smile at Brandon but he’s just staring at me. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you this weekend. I was… busy.”
His mouth straightens out into a tense smile. “Oh, yeah? With what?”
“I guess busy’s not the right word… distracted maybe.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “With what?” he asks, his voice gruff.
Being with Brandon feels different now. I told him so much while I was gone, talked to him about things I would never be comfortable talking to anyone else about, admitted things about my life that I don’t know if I should have admitted to him. It puts me back into self-preservation mode. Can I still tell him exactly how I miss him now that we’re face to face? Now that I’m staring at this intimidating man instead of the twelve year old kid I’ve been thinking about all week? God, when did Brandon start making me feel nervous? I can’t imagine this man staring at me right now thinking it was cool that I spent every free moment I had this weekend paging through our childhood. “Stuff… Nash…” I say, lamely.
He raises his eyebrows at me in a way that feels distinctly like disappointment. And I feel stupid for saying what I just did… stuff… Nash. God. When he talks about me, who I was and who he thinks I could become, it always feels like he’s describing someone that can’t possibly be me. A life that couldn’t have possibly been mine. But I know that the way he sees me is accurate. His opinion of me was always hard to live up too. He always put me on the highest pedestal. That was one of the only good things about losing him – I didn’t have anyone to live for anymore. No one to make proud, or happy, or excited. And still, I’ve never cared about what anyone thought about me the way I used to care about what Brandon thought of me.
Brandon stares into my eyes and I stare back at him. “How are you?” he finally asks.
“Really, really good,” I tell him.
“You look good. I mean, you look happy.”
“I am happy. I’ve never been happier.”
“I’m assuming that means you won’t be making any more trips to California?”
“It means I’m not taking any more trips to anywhere. Ever.”
“I kind of got that feeling from listening to you bitch and moan at the end of every day last week.” He says it like it’s a complaint but if there was anything good to come out of my week in California, outside of the money I made, it was that Brandon and I fortified the friendship we have been trying to build since he came back into my life. I actually looked forward to talking to him at night more than I looked forward to talking to Nash.
“Thank you for being there for me. I love Nash but you’ve always been the only one I could really talk to.”
“Yeah, I kind of feel the same way.”
“Is there something going on with the two of you? Summer said you’re not talking to him.”
He clasps his hands behind his head and looks up at the ceiling for a moment before returning his eyes to mine. “No. We’re good.”
“Clearly, you’re lying. Summer said he was crabby all week.”
&n
bsp; “More like a whiney, depressing worthless prick. Maybe I’ll be able to stand to be around him again now that you’re back. What are you doing out here anyway?”
“I just wanted to see you.”
“You missed my handsome face, huh?”
“Yeah, I kind of did.”
He gives me a smile but it looks forced. “I know you have first period free, but I actually have to get to class. You want to walk me?”
“I would love to.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I wrap mine around his waist and we exit the field house. And again, I’m smiling like an idiot.
Brandon looks down at me and gives me a lopsided grin. “That trip was good for you, huh?”
“One of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”
“That feeling in your gut, telling you there is a whole big world outside of Carver that you need to see… I’m gonna take a guess and say it’s gone.”
“Is that sad? I’m just like Nash now, content to live in this shitty town with no hopes or dreams.”
“This is your dream now, living here with Nash. Yeah?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I get it now, why he’s always so laidback and happy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I can stop wondering what the hell I’m gonna do with my life. I can stop worrying about leaving my family and Nash. I can stop dreaming about all the stuff I imagined was waiting for me outside of Carver. I can just start living.”
“That sounds nice, Tatum. I’m happy for you.”
“And no matter what big, bright future you have out there, you’ll still come home once in a while to visit us, right?”
He’s quiet for a moment, staring out at nothing. “I’m thinking of going to Penn with Summer,” he says abruptly.
With those words, my body goes ridged in his arms. I knew Brandon was going to leave Carver, and up until a few weeks ago that thought would have made me happy, but now it makes me depressed. “Pennsylvania,” I say. His indecision about a college made it impossible to visualize him being gone. But now there’s a real location and it’s… “How far away is that?”
A God in Carver (Carver High #1) Page 15