When I walk out to my truck and see Nash leaned against it I almost want to smile. I’m in the mood for a fight and he’s the perfect candidate. “You ready to have that talk?” I ask him.
“Not the one I’ve been trying to have with you, but yeah, I’m ready to have a talk.”
“Climb in,” I tell him. When we’re both inside I turn to him with an expectant look on my face. “Let’s hear it.”
He clears his throat and looks a little nervous which is not a look I’ve ever seen on Nash. “I spent the morning down at the river fishing with Brandon,” he tells me and my heart starts beating faster. Did he tell Nash what happened between us? I don’t owe Nash anything, but I still don’t want to hurt him.
“Sounds nice,” I manage to say, maintaining my attitude.
“It wasn’t really. He uhh, kind of gave me a verbal beating. Made me realize some shit I didn’t want to realize and admit things to myself that I didn’t want to be true.”
“Sounds like Brandon.”
“He’s always got to make up for the conscious I’m lacking,” he says through a forced laugh.
“So what did you realize, Nash?”
His eyes gloss over and his jaw stiffens. “I’m a piece of shit. I’ve been holding on to you for all these years for selfish reasons. I wanted to keep you for myself but I never treated you the way you deserved to be treated.”
“You needed Brandon to point that out to you?”
“Yeah. I did. I know you think that I just float through life and never think about anything, never worry about anything, but it’s not true.” He pauses to clear his throat and his uncharacteristic anxiety is infecting me. “I need you to know that I love you, Tatum. Despite the shit I’ve done… the things I’m about to say… I’ve loved you every day of my life since the first day I met you.”
“Just tell me, Nash,” I mutter, my anger already growing for reasons I don’t yet know.
He lets out a long, exaggerated breath before speaking. “When Brandon walked out of your life I saw how miserable you were but I was happy. I knew he would find us there… on that couch. I told him to meet me there. I figured it would let him know that you were mine and not his. I figured he would be pissed at you, but it turned in to so much more than that and I ran with it.
“I was happy that he had made a dick move, that you hated him and that I didn’t have to compete with him for you. I saw that you were sad and it made me happy. Because I was selfish. I always have been. I should have realized then that you deserved better than me.”
He pauses and his eyes flicker to mine for a moment before looking away again. I’m just trying to comprehend what the hell he’s telling me. I don’t say anything so he carries on. “When football practice started up and he would ask me how you were doing I would tell him you were great. That the two of us were great. That we were partying and having sex and that we had never been happier. I knew the idea of you drinking and having sex would make him angry and that you doing those things with me would ruin any chance of you having him back in your life. But I didn’t care. I was mean and you deserved better than that.”
He pauses and shakes his head and I take the moment to absorb his words. He knew Brandon would find us. He lied to Brandon. He told him things about me that weren’t true. He intentionally kept us apart. He hammered the wedge that existed between us into the ground. Is that what he’s saying?
“I made him believe he didn’t belong with us, that he was different than you and me. And I spent that summer telling you how he had moved on, how he had made new friends, how he was with Summer, how he was acting like a stuck up rich boy.
“I intentionally came between the two of you. I did everything I could to guarantee that when you guys saw each other again there would be nothing between you but hate. I spent the night before the first day of eighth grade listening to you cry and worry about how he was going to treat you at school, if he would talk to you and if you would ever be friends again. And never, not once, did I entertain the idea that what I was doing was wrong. That it was unfair of me to keep the two of you apart. You deserved better than that. I told you I cared about you, that I wanted you to be happy, but I knew that if your happiness meant letting Brandon back into your life that I would rather have you be miserable.”
My heart immediately aches for the years I lost with Brandon that possibly wouldn’t have been lost if it weren’t for Nash. “Jesus, Nash,” I manage to mutter through my horror.
“I know, Tatum. Please, just let me finish. I don’t know how long this moment of clarity and honesty is gonna last.”
“There’s more?”
He just shakes his head before continuing. “There was part of me that was always competing with him. Not only for you, but for everything. I watched the attention he was getting from all those girls that year and I wanted it for myself. If I saw a girl looking at him I would make sure to flirt with her, touch her, make sure her attention was on me and not him. When Coach Mason saw something special in him and started giving him extra attention I worked my ass off to make sure he noticed me too. When the guys on the team would talk about how great Brandon was I managed to jokingly point out his flaws. I was an asshole.
“It wasn’t until he started dating Summer and you guys had been on non-speaking terms for so long it seemed irreversible that I finally stared letting a lot of that go. But when I did that I realized that part of my possessiveness over you was only there because I didn’t want him to have you. I started wondering if I was making a mistake committing myself to you. I watched Summer at every practice, every party, every game and I wondered why you didn’t love me enough to support me like she supported him. I started telling myself that I deserved to have a girl by my side too. You caught me making out with Missy, but she wasn’t the first one.
“But then you broke up with me and it killed me. The thought of losing you was devastating. It was the first time I really realized how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, how much I needed you. It was the first time my feelings for you had nothing to do with Brandon and I knew that I couldn’t lose you. That I really loved you…. Just because I loved you.”
Tears are rolling down my cheeks as the reality of my past starts to sink in. I never knew Nash. What we had was never real. “I hate you,” I tell him. “I hate you for taking him away from me. For caring about him more than you cared about me. For using me just to hurt him. You’re an awful person, Nash. I hate you for convincing me that you aren’t.”
“I was awful. I am awful. I hate myself for everything I’ve ever done that has hurt you. I hate myself for not realizing, until it was too late, that you were and always will be the best thing in my life. I hate that I convinced myself that you were okay with me messing around with other girls and that you were doing the same thing when I knew in my heart that you weren’t. I let myself believe that you were happy in that fucked up relationship that I created with you.
“I love you, Tatum. I will always love you. But I’m not gonna try and get you to love me again. I don’t have the right to pretend like I deserve you. It would be selfish for me to try and convince you that you don’t deserve any better than me. Because I will never be good enough for you. No matter how much I want to be, no matter how much I love you, I will never be a good man. I will never be anything close to what you need and deserve.”
“Get out,” I tell him as I wipe the last of my tears away as my anger takes over my sadness. “Get the hell out, Nash.”
“Tatum, I…”
“Now, Nash.”
He blows out a long breath then tells me, “I’m sorry, Tatum,” before opening my door and getting out. I start the truck and shift it into gear, tearing out of the lot more desperate than I’ve ever been to get the hell away from him.
33
I get to school extra early on Monday so that I can hide out in the library, which I’m assuming is how the rest of this hellish year is going to play out – me ducking in and out of rooms and
avoiding everyone.
My face is swollen from my evening of crying. I hate Nash more than ever and I’m kind of hating Brandon now too. I was there for him on Saturday when he needed me. I did everything in my power to reverse the damage that I caused from that article. I got him back up on his pedestal and as soon as he was there I never heard from him again. He was with Nash that morning, he was the one that got him to admit how truly spiteful and awful he is, yet he never bothered to call me to see how I was doing.
So as I walk into the library I’m surprised to see him at my regular table where Angel is usually sitting. He smiles at me, but as I get closer his smile fades and concern takes over his expression. “Jesus Tatum, you look like hell.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve kind of given up on life as a whole, my looks just one very small part of it.” The mere sight of him makes my entire body buzz and I’m well aware that a big part of me craves him. Despite my anger, I sit down by him.
“Did Nash talk to you yesterday?” he asks, confusion covering his face.
“Yeah, we had an awesome conversation,” I tell him sarcastically.
“I figured, when he never came back to his house, that the two of you had worked things out.”
“What the hell are you talking about? After the shit you got him to admit you seriously think I could ever look at him again, much less work things out with him? And… are you staying at that asshole’s house again? After all the shit he is finally admitting he did to us?”
“What did he say to you?” he asks, leaning towards me, taking one of my shaking hands in his. I’m distracted by how good and warm his large hand feels on me.
“You know what he said to me.”
“No, Tatum. I don’t think I do. Tell me what he said to you.”
“Jesus, what didn’t he say to me? He made out with me that day because he knew you would find us. He intentionally kept us apart the summer after you left me. He lied to you and told you we were getting drunk and having sex and happier than ever while telling me you had turned into a rich prick who had moved on from us. He told both of us things that would guarantee we would hate each other. And… this was just a side note… but apparently everything he did, including being with me, was only to spite you. And did you know that the reason he started cheating on me was because your girlfriend was better than his and he thought he deserved the same attention you were getting? He also threw the fact that he knew that I was faithful to him while he was screwing every female in the county in my face.”
As I rattle off the list to Brandon it’s clear by his expression that this is all news to him. He’s staring at me now; his mouth agape and his body frozen like he’s in shock.
“Brandon?”
He blinks hard then tells me, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he did all those things to you,” before letting go of my hand and standing then sprinting out of the library, practically knocking Angel over as he goes. I stare after him wondering what the hell just happened.
“What’s he in such a hurry for?” Angel asks me.
“I don’t know,” I say, taking my eyes from the exit and turning them on Angel.
“He looked like he wanted to murder someone,” Angel says, laughing.
“Oh…. Shit,” I mutter while standing as realization hits me. “He went to kick Nash’s ass.”
I take off out of the library with Angel by my side. The screaming is audible before we turn the corner and see the crowd gathered. I push my way through it, Summer screaming is my last obstacle, before I’m at the center where Brandon is on top of Nash, pounding his fist into his face.
I manage to wedge myself between them enough to get some leverage on Brandon’s shoulder, which I’m pushing. “Brandon,” I scream. “Brandon,” I yell again and he hears me, his enraged eyes flicker to me and he stops his downward motion right before his fist hits Nash again. I stand and watch as he pushes off of Nash’s shoulders and joins me. Nash is right after him. His mouth and nose are bleeding, but the expression on his face is not pissed but sad. He doesn’t try to go after Brandon.
The crowd has silenced as Brandon and Nash stand staring at each other. “I trusted you, asshole,” Brandon growls. “You told me you were sorry, that you never meant for the two of you to fall for each other. And like the stupid, trusting, idiot I am, I believed you and I forgave you. And I never forgave her because you made me believe she hated me. And you made her think I hated her. You took her away from me and you took me away from her and she didn’t fucking deserve that. She needed me and I needed her and you took us away from each other. For five years, you asshole.” He’s yelling now and when he lunges, Reggie and Angel are there to stop him.
“You had everything, man,” Nash tells him, the emotion clear in his voice. “You had it all; the perfect family, the perfect arm, the perfect morals, the perfect house, the perfect fucking life. You didn’t deserve her, too. You didn’t get to have everything.”
“That’s sad, Nash. That’s really fucking sad. All this time and effort you wasted trying to hurt us, trying to make us miserable, trying to keep us apart… what was the point? Now, what do you have? What has all that effort gotten you?”
“Hey, man,” Nash says, his familiar smile returning to his face. “She’s all yours. Have at her, I’m done with her. You two can finally start living your perfect, boring-ass, fairytale life. Enjoy my fucking throw away,” he says before turning and preparing to exit.
“Nash,” I say sternly. He pauses and turns back to me. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like you don’t care. Don’t end things with him like that, because maybe one of these times he’s not gonna accept your apology. Maybe one of these times he will walk away from you for good like I already have.”
Nash laughs. “You,” he says, taking a step towards me. “Maybe for you. But not for him.” He turns again and I don’t try to stop him.
The guys have gathered around Brandon, all of them mumbling about what a dick Nash is. Brandon doesn’t seem to be paying any attention. He’s just staring at me, breathing hard. “Are you okay?” I ask him.
He slowly begins to nod his head. “Yeah, I think I am.” He takes a step towards me and when he moves I see Summer behind him, staring at him with pain on her face.
“Summer,” I whisper, before he gets to me.
He stops, closes his eyes for a moment, then nods. “I don’t…”
“Brandon,” I cut him off. I don’t know what he’s gonna say but whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it right now. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I turn around and take the hand that Angel’s offering me. We head down the hall and I keep my eyes trained on the ground. I hold my breath until we get back to the empty library.
Angel spends the rest of first period dissecting my life and pointing out how messed up, yet hilarious, it is. For some reason, I can’t really see the humor in the situation, but his banter helps ease my tension.
When the bell rings and I have to leave Angel and the library to go to math with Nash, my stomach immediately ties itself back into knots.
I half expect Nash not to be there, seeing how his face was a bloody mess less than an hour ago. Not only is he there, he’s smiling, turned in his chair, flirting with the junior who sits behind him. His lip and nose are swollen but he’s not letting it slow him down with the ladies. God, how could I have been so blind for so long?
I take my seat in front of him and try to pretend like he’s not there. But when I feel his fingers on my neck, then pulling through my hair, I jerk my head away and turn to him. He gives me an amused smile. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“Come on, Tatum. Don’t be mean to me. Your boyfriend just kicked my ass. Shouldn’t I be getting a little sympathy?”
“That’s not funny, Nash. Stop being such an idiot.” The last thing I need right now is for people to think I’m with Brandon.
“Am I wrong? Because I ran into Summer when I was leaving the nurse’s office…
she was sweet enough to check on me. She was worried about me even though the guy she’s in love with had just told her he’s in love with you.”
I suck in a hard breath and assess Nash’s face, trying to figure out if he’s messing with me.
Mrs. Doyle calls the class to attention so I turn around. I hear the low rumble of his laughter behind me. I pray that he’s wrong. That Brandon didn’t actually say that to her. Not now. Not today. Not here, at school.
I managed to lay low all morning and was planning on avoiding lunch but Angel forces me to go to the cafeteria with him, telling me I have to get back into the saddle. I compromise, going with him, but choosing the furthest table away from where the football players sit. When I see Summer walk in and glance at our normal table before letting her eyes wander, I drop my head and pray that if she decides to track us down it’s to tell me off. That I could handle. Her being her sweet, kind self I can’t take right now.
“She’s coming over here,” Angel mumbles.
I look up when I have no other choice, meeting her big brown eyes and her smile. “Do you mind if I sit here?” she asks, tentatively.
“You can have my seat,” Angel tells her. “I was just leaving.” Awesome. Super supportive.
She comes around to our side of the table and sits her and her lunch-less self down.
I know Summer. And I have a feeling I’m going to have to sit through at least five minutes of her niceties before she gets to the point so I tell her, “Nash told me that Brandon had a talk with you. I’m not even gonna say what he said it was about in the hopes that he was making it up just to be an asshole. But I just have to say that if Brandon said something completely stupid to you today, that conversation is not one he has ever had with me.”
Summer smiles at me, but it’s not as bright as it usually is. “I know,” she tells me. “He’s a good person… Brandon, that is. I can’t come up with anything positive to say about Nash after what he said about you this morning. But as far as Brandon goes, he’s trying to do the right thing by all of us. He told me he hasn’t talked to you, besides this morning in the library, since the night of the dinner at Green Haven. He’s been trying to process. To figure out how he feels. And… he loves you Tatum.” She pauses and her smile turns painfully tight as a tear falls from her eye.
A God in Carver (Carver High #1) Page 24