by Amalie Coles
I was a bit surprised by the news. Erin always planned her time off in advance.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know yet. All I know is that I need a break from all this bullshit.” She sounded frustrated.
“What happened?” I became alarmed. Maybe her problems were worse than mine.
“Nothing. I’m just tired, and I need a break.”
“Busy?”
“Yeah. Plus all the dating crap. I need to get away, Becky. I can’t stand it here anymore.”
“Another bad date?”
“Long story. Don’t want to talk about it now. Just tell me about yourself. How was your last week in Jerusalem? Did you have a good time last night?”
“Erin, I need to talk to you about something.”
“So tell me.” There was an undeniable sense of worry in her voice.
I took a deep breath before starting my story. “Yesterday, George and I went out for a walk. One thing led to another, and we kissed.” I spoke as fast as I could.
There was a moment of silence. Was Erin shocked by my confession? Maybe I shouldn’t have told her. At the back of my mind, I was already regretting my decision to call her.
“One of my former roommates turned out to be his ex-girlfriend, and now she thinks I stole him from her.”
“What? You stealing someone’s boyfriend?” She laughed.
“She also thinks I’m a goal-oriented bitch who is capable cutting throats and stepping on others’ heads.”
Erin laughed again. “Becky, as far as I know, you hadn’t even caught a fly in your life. All right, maybe once, you tried to catch a bee when you were seven, but it stung you.”
“To be honest, I feel like crap right now. Worst of all, Dalia and her aunt caught us in action. She’s in Jerusalem now. Erin, it was so horrible! I wanted to disappear.”
“So what if she saw you? First of all, your life is none of Dalia’s or anyone else’s business.”
“You think so?
“For sure! She’s not even your best friend. She’s got no right to meddle with your choices.”
“Well, we do have some concert memories together.”
“That’s because she tolerates your crap music.” I could almost see Erin rolling her eyes.
My favorite music was probably the only thing Erin and I never discussed, especially after that Arabic concert we had gone to many years ago. She thought my preference for the exotic sound was whacky, weird, and uncool.
“We all slip sometimes,” she continued. “I had a similar incident a long time ago. I’m pretty sure she slipped, too, at some point in time.”
“What happened to you?”
“I cheated on my college boyfriend. And by that, I mean full-blown action, not just a kiss.”
“Wow, you never told me.” The news sent me into a mild shock.
“It was probably the only secret I ever had from you, Becky. Mind you, I did feel terrible after.”
“The two of you broke up, anyway, and I want to stay together with Jason.”
“Oh, Becky, don’t even go there. We broke up for a totally different reason. Our careers took us into different directions. As for you and Jason, it doesn’t seem very likely to happen.”
“Actually, the career might be a problem.”
“How so?”
“You know how unhappy I am at my current job.”
“We’ve all known that for quite a while.”
“Erin, I’m thinking about grad school.”
“Well, if you believe it’s right for you, then you should go for it.”
“I just can’t imagine how it can happen now that Jason and I are married and planning to have kids.”
“You know what, Becky? No offense to Jason, ’cause he’s definitely a good catch, but I do think you were a bit hot-headed four years ago.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you should’ve hung in there for a few more years and figured out what you truly wanted in your life. Instead, you jumped at the first chance to tie the knot. It wasn’t the wisest thing to do in your situation.”
“Erin, are you telling me my marriage was a mistake?” I asked in horror.
“Well, I have no idea what happened between you and the other guy, so I can’t tell.”
“I developed a small crush on him; that’s all.”
“You have to be honest with yourself, Becky. Are you in love with George? If so, how far are you willing to go to be happy?”
“I don’t think I’m that in love. It was more of the newness thing. Being with him felt fresh and exciting, but I don’t think it would’ve worked out in the real life.”
“Well, if you want to keep your marriage as it is, you don’t have to say anything to Jason. Just keep on being your usual self, and with time, things will get back to normal.”
“But what if I want to be truthful from now on?”
“Then the decision is up to you.”
“Well, you’re not helping me here,” I wailed. I was hoping for quick advice but ended up becoming even more confused than before.
“That’s because you need to grow up and start making your own choices, Becky.”
“I am a grown-up!” I shrieked.
“Look, I need to go now. I’m late for work.”
“Have a great day, Erin.”
Having put down the phone, I got up from the couch and walked towards the bathroom. What I saw in the mirror wasn’t a pretty sight. My mascara was smudged, my hair was all over the place, and my face was covered in red blotches. It was not the best way to look for one’s spouse after three weeks of separation.
I took a warm shower and slipped on a white, fluffy bathrobe that was hanging on the door. The feel of fresh fabric against my skin made me feel all cozy and warm. Then I turned on the TV and was immediately directed to an English channel, which was showing the Gaza conflict. More casualties were being reported. The two sides were considering a ceasefire, but the peace talks weren’t going anywhere. I switched to a Hebrew channel, which was showing a concert by Maor Edri. I watched it for a while until I fell asleep on the couch.
A sudden knock on the door woke me up. I stumbled towards the entrance and asked who it was.
“Becky, it’s me!” I heard Jason exclaim.
I knew I was supposed to jump with joy and wrap my arms around him, but something was stopping me. I simply said, “Come in,” and took his suitcase from him.
“What’s wrong, love? You don’t look happy,” he noted.
“Er, nothing’s wrong. Just a bit tired from the last night.”
“Ah, I see. Too much partying, right?”
“Not really. I left early. I just couldn’t get into the unit and had to stay over at our neighbour’s place.”
“What? I’m going to phone the idiots and demand for a refund right now!”
“No need to. I’ve already spoken with the representative, and he promised to get back to me.”
He calmed down for a bit. “Anyway, don’t you want to greet your husband properly? I’ve been ten hours on the plane, and all I get is a sad face.”
“Oh yes, definitely. Sorry for not being in my best mood.” I came closer to him, and we embraced each other. His familiar scent felt comforting. After all, I still loved him. I simply needed time to get past my massive confusion. We walked into the bedroom.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, helping him remove his sweaty T-shirt.
“A little bit. But first, I want to spend some time with you.” He pulled me closer to him.
“Then you should go to the shower,” I commanded, trying to sound playful.
“Most definitely,” he replied. “Would you like to join me?”
“I’m not dirty,” I said jokingly. “I’ll wait for you here.”
“Well, as you wish.” He grabbed a towel and disappeared.
A few minutes later, he reappeared completely naked except for a towel draped around his waist. He grabbed me by the nape of t
he neck and started kissing me. I tried to relax and enjoy our time together, but my mind kept going back to the City of David.
“Jason, I’m not in the mood right now.” I pulled away from him.
“Becky, what’s wrong?” He looked mildly disappointed.
“I’m really sorry, but I’m starving at the moment. Can we do it a bit later?”
“All right, let’s just go and find something to eat then.”
We walked down Ben Yehuda Street until we spotted a small eatery. A woman in a long skirt with a scarf around her head welcomed us. My attention was caught by her dark eye shadow and long earrings. It always amazed me how some Jewish observant women could beat Carrie Bradshaw and Rachel Green with their sense of style. Having looked at the menu, we quickly decided to go with two falafel plates.
During our first stay in Israel, it was virtually impossible to convince Jason to try this dish, for he could not believe that anything that wasn’t meat could taste good. One time, I offered him some of my falafel, and he reluctantly took it from me. Then he completely fell in love with the dish. He even tried to coax me into making it at home, but our first and also last attempt turned into a complete disaster. After the fire alarm went off from the foul smell of burnt chickpeas, we resolved to keep relying on Shawarma King.
“So, tell me more about your excavation adventure,” Jason asked.
“Oh, it was amazing!” I replied. “I learned so much during the last three weeks, especially at the Albright Institute.” I was getting into a better mood.
“I was so worried about you when you were in Ashkelon. I was happy to find out they’d evacuated you.”
I recalled the times I found his constant calls and messages annoying, and the overbearing feeling of guilt returned.
“I was worried, too, but everything turned in our favor. We got to visit many sites in the Golan Heights, including the Banias Springs. Remember that place?”
“Of course I do!”
“I had a funny incident there.”
“You tripped and fell in the Jordan River, right? I remember you sending me a message.”
“And I had to wear an abaya with a scarf for the rest of the day trip because my clothes were wet, and the driver didn’t want me to ruin the seat.” I omitted the part about George tripping with me.
We laughed. Jason raised his arm and ran his fingers through my hair.
“So, what are we doing tomorrow?” I asked.
“How about driving to Jerusalem? I really want to see it again.”
“Really? I thought you would be keener on hitting the beach.” I was a bit surprised by his unexpected suggestion.
“Yes, but I also want to see the Old City. I kind of miss it.”
“I see. Well, we’ll visit it then.”
We spent the rest of the day lying in our hotel room and watching TV channels that weren’t broadcasting news. I told him all about the week at the Albright, including how I had gotten lost in the east end and how my computer had crashed the very next day. I also mentioned the Russian-Jewish couple who offered me to stay over when I couldn’t get into the hotel room. He gently patted my head and called me “crazy.” Jason, in turn, told me a little bit about his last week at work, including a few mishaps with servers, which had to be fixed before he left.
“You won’t believe how many friends I’ve made while being here,” I told him at some point.
“I hope you didn’t befriend anyone from the West Bank. Knowing you, I can expect almost anything.”
“Actually, I did. And we are invited to Nablus to meet his family.”
“You gotta be kidding me,” Jason laughed.
“He was our waiter at the Institute, and he’s really nice.” I felt the urge to defend Ibrahim, especially because of his daughter.
“I believe you. I just don’t want you to be in danger anymore.”
“Well, the worst is over.” I smiled.
On the outside, everything looked good. We were reunited and happy to see each other. However, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that our perfect world could crash at any moment.
At one point, I pulled myself away from him and went to grab my laptop to check Facebook. There were a few friend requests, including those from Janice, Madeline, Caitlin, and Megan. I considered rejecting the first two, as I was still angry at them. However, I was eager to see the photos they had taken during our sightseeing tours. So I accepted everyone. I also discovered a few messages in my mailbox.
Hi, Becky,
I’m sorry about our last phone conversation. I didn’t mean it when I said your marriage was a mistake. I’m just stressed out and tired at the moment, and I need a break. Have a great vacation with your husband and don’t worry about anything. Remember we all make mistakes.
Erin
Having scrolled down, I also discovered a message from George.
Hi, Becky,
I just arrived safely in Chicago. I hope you enjoyed our excavation season with all of its twists and turns. Best of luck with your life, and I hope to see you again someday.
George
I was glad he didn’t mention our kiss or his crazy ex. The faster we both forgot about everything, the better it would be for everyone.
“Hey, what are you looking at?” Jason asked, moving next to me.
“Um, nothing.” I quickly closed the laptop. I knew it wasn’t the best thing to do when you wanted someone’s trust, but the move came almost reflexively.
“Are you hiding something from me?” He didn’t look terribly suspicious of me, and his question sounded more like a joke rather than an accusation.
“Nope. I was just catching up with my former roommates. You can have it if you like.” I passed the laptop to him.
“Thanks, Becky. I want to check my emails.” He opened the browser and went straight to his Gmail account, while I got up and went to the kitchen to reheat the leftovers we had brought from the food place we had visited earlier.
***
At night, I had a dream of falling, gravity pulling me inexorably to the ground. Such dreams happened to me occasionally, and I hardly gave them a thought. This one, however, was somehow different and perhaps more terrifying. I woke up panting in cold sweat.
“Is everything OK?” Jason asked, hearing me get up.
“I had a bad dream about falling into an abyss,” I admitted, shaking.
“Don’t worry. It was just a dream.” He pulled me closer.
“I have a strange feeling that something bad is going to happen.” I started shaking even harder.
He moved closer to my side and hugged me. “Look, you had three intense weeks, as far as I know. It’s normal for you to be a bit apprehensive right now. But remember, as long as we are together, nothing can happen to us.”
“And what if we aren’t?” A huge lump rose in my throat.
“What are you talking about, Becky?”
“Nothing really.”
“Let’s go back to sleep. I’m sure everything will be better in the morning.”
He was right. When we woke up at seven, I was feeling rested and refreshed. Part of me even felt embarrassed about what had happened earlier.
“I’m sorry for that nightmare scene,” I told my husband as he stepped out of the shower.
“No worries, babe. I hope you’re feeling better now.” He smiled.
After browsing through my clothes, I was disappointed to find out that I didn’t have anything appropriate for the Old City except for that long skirt and the blouse I had worn a day ago.
“Look, you’ve got a stain on your skirt,” Jason noted, while searching for his trousers.
“Oh, maybe I should choose something else,” I said, blushing. Not about the stain of course.
“It’s all right, Becky. No one knows us here.”
“Well, Dalia is in Jerusalem right now.”
“Really? Did you meet her?”
“Yes, we ran into each other in the City of David.”
“H
mm, interesting. You’ve never told me you went to the City of David.”
“We did a small sightseeing tour on our last day at the Albright Institute.”
“I see. Was it a group tour?”
“No. Just me and a few people from our dig.” I felt my face turn hot. I really hated lying, especially now that everything seemed so perfect.
“Anyway, we should hurry up. We still need to find a place to have our breakfast.”
“Actually, I’m going to wear something else.” I quickly removed my outfit and tossed it away. “Do you think they’ll let me wear pants to the Western Wall? All my dresses are too short for the occasion.”
“I don’t think it should be a problem.”
In the end, I chose to wear green cargo pants and the Leon Levy Expedition T-shirt, which I had bought shortly before leaving Ashkelon.
We found a small coffee shop a few blocks from our hotel, where we ordered two cappuccinos with muffins. Although we had chosen the hotel apartment with a kitchen on purpose, neither of us was in the mood for cooking yet. I promised Jason and myself that I would make something extra special tonight.
The drive to Jerusalem lasted no longer than an hour. The hardest part of the journey was navigating through busy streets all the way to the Old City and finding parking at a decent price. As it was still morning, everyone was rushing to work, and drivers kept honking for no particular reason. At last, we found a spot near the Mamilla Mall and began searching for Jaffa Gate.
“Remember this place?” Jason asked as we were climbing up the stairs.
“Of course I do!”
We walked through the Armenian and Arab Quarters all the way to the Western Wall. I must admit that my second walk through the Old City was far from enjoyable. Throughout the entire time we were there, I couldn’t shake off memories of me and George strolling through the same streets, checking out the same sites, and even taking photos in the same spots.
Besides, being in the Old City with my husband was less exciting than being with someone from the dig. Whereas my talk with George was full of mind-provoking conversations, the talk with Jason mostly consisted of map reading and figuring out where to go. Sometimes, I would mention a fact or two about the Old City, but Jason would just nod and smile. The intellectual challenge just wasn’t there.