My Journey

by Amalie Coles

  First I headed to see my favorite alley leading to the beach. I loved being on the familiar path, embraced by a light breeze. The waves were strong enough to carry me all the way to Cyprus, but I dared to step into the sea and take a couple of steps.

  Then I walked to the bar our group used to visit during the first week and a half. It was the same happy place I’d known earlier. Couples and groups of young people were everywhere enjoying late hours, while bartenders were going around and serving everyone.

  “Would you like something to drink?” a waiter asked me in Hebrew. I wondered if he remembered me from my previous walk-ins.

  I asked if he had any tea, and he quickly disappeared behind the rack. A minute later, he showed up with a box of different tea bags and asked me to choose one. I chose green tea.

  “Driving?” he asked, smiling.

  “Yes.”

  “So, what are you doing here at such a late hour?”

  “I had a fight with my husband and needed to get away,” I blurted.

  “Ah, I see.”

  I half expected him to start making all the stupid comments about me looking young and so forth. Instead, he wished me all the best and disappeared. Before I had a chance to thank him, he was already on to another customer. He probably had tons of visitors like me coming to shake off their problems. As soon as I finished my drink, I went back to my car. I already knew what my next stop would be.

  The Ashkelon National Park looked even more beautiful at night, as the moonlight glow was making the Roman pillars shine. I walked around for a bit, inhaling the summer air of the night and taking time to explore each and every grid. During the brief excavations season, I was mostly confined to one area and never bothered exploring other parts of the site, believing there was still plenty of time left. Having reached the Grid 38, I leaned down and gently touched the ground. This was the earth from which I had pulled out my first treasure—the Canaanite goddess figurine. I let the earth slip through my fingers like water.

  Why did I have to choose between my calling and my marriage? If I sacrificed my dreams for the sake of our relationship, would we be happy twenty years from now? Did I even have to make this sacrifice? Was there any chance that Jason could become part of the world that was so dear to me? Would he even want to take me back after everything I had done to him?

  As the time was now way past midnight, I decided to return to the hotel. In the morning, everything would become clearer. I was pretty sure Jason would talk to me by then, for he wasn’t the type to hold grudges. Just as I was driving away, my phone rang. I tried ignoring it, but it rang again, this time louder. I had no choice but to pull over and reply.

  “Becky, where on earth are you?” my husband yelled on the other line.

  “I’m in Ashkelon.”

  “What the hell are you doing there during this hour?”

  “You told me to leave, so I went for a quick ride.” I rolled my eyes.

  “OK, I’m sorry, Becky. I overreacted.”

  “Overreacted? I was convinced you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

  “Can you tell me where you are, for goodness’ sake?” He sounded exasperated.

  “I’m at the Ashkelon ruins.”

  “Just a second...thank you...” I heard him mumble to someone else.

  “Hey, where are you? I’m going back to the hotel.”

  “No! Stay where you are. I’m coming to get you...I’ll take this car. Thanks.”

  “Jason, I’m coming back! Do you hear me?” The phone went silent.

  As soon as I started the car, the voice on the GPS asked me about the directions. Feeling certain that I knew my way back well, I turned off the system and turned on the radio instead. I cruised through the highway, Radio Noshmim Mizrahit blasting sad songs from the speakers. It wasn’t until I saw signs leading to Sderot that I realized I was in a wrong place. I quickly pulled over to the side and pressed the “start” button on the GPS. My phone rang again.

  “Jason, I’m driving back!” I yelled without even bothering to ask who was calling.

  “Becky, are you all right? I’m almost in Ashkelon.”

  “No, I’m not. I don’t know where I am at the moment. I think I’m close to Sderot.”

  “You should’ve stayed at the park.”

  “Fine! I should’ve done many things differently.” I couldn’t believe we were arguing at such a wrong time.

  The siren rang on the other line. “Oh, my God! Get out of the car and lay face down on the ground. Now!” I commanded. Then I heard a loud explosion. The line went dead.

  I had to get to him fast. However, I had no idea where I was going. I failed to set up the GPS because it began to glitch, and I had zero patience with technology, especially during critical times. So I continued driving, my hands shaking more with every second. The highway was almost empty. Who would be driving at three in the morning, especially when shelling was happening nearby?

  Out of nowhere, some animal jumped on the road. Although it was hard to see in the dark, the creature looked like a goat. I slammed on the breaks with the greatest force possible, but it was too late. The car was a few inches away from what was definitely an ibex and still going forward. In the last attempt to salvage the situation, I sharply turned my wheel to the side of the road. My car hit something. Suddenly, I felt immense pain and saw blood splatter on the dashboard. Then everything went blank.

  Chapter 26

  Every part of me was in pain. My neck was surrounded by a hideous collar, preventing me from moving, and my entire body was connected to some strange tubes.

  “Did I lose a limb?” I asked in horror. “Am I disabled?”

  “No.” The nurse laughed. “Just some minor injuries. You’ll be fine.”

  I tried wriggling my two legs and felt relieved to find them in place. My right arm was normal; my left one, bandaged.

  “Wait.” My memory started returning to me.

  Jason and I had a row, which turned nasty. He told me to leave, so I went to drive around the town to calm my nerves. Somehow, I ended up on a nearly empty highway. What I couldn’t remember was how I ended up in the hospital.

  Then I remembered everything. Driving in the wrong direction. Getting phone calls from my husband urging me to wait for him. Hearing explosions on the other line. The feeling of panic I couldn’t control.

  “Is he alive? Please tell me,” I begged the nurse.

  “Who?”

  “Jason, my husband! I remember what happened. Please tell me he’s alive!”

  “The guy with black hair? I think he’s outside right now.”

  “That must be him!” I felt relieved.

  The nurse left the room. The few minutes of being alone felt like eternity. At last, I heard muffled voices behind the door. It was the nurse talking to a man, presumably my husband. Although the man’s voice was familiar, it didn’t sound like Jason’s. Yet I desperately wanted to believe it was him. As soon as they walked in, my heart nearly stopped.

  “Avi?” I asked, feeling both surprised and disappointed.

  “Rebecca! I’m so glad you’re alive!” he exclaimed.

  “Alive? Was my life threatened?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “I’ll leave you alone for a while,” the nurse said. “By the way, my name is Orit. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Sure.”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as soon as she left.

  “I was visiting my brother and decided to check on you as well.”

  “Wait.... Give me a second.” I tried to remember more. Avi.... He had a brother fighting in Gaza. Right. How could I’ve forgotten?

  “What happened to him?”

  “He got wounded during an attack, but he’s doing fine now. They might release him in a few days.”

  I was obviously happy to hear Avi’s brother was alive and well, but I still had to find out what happened to Jason. Maybe he was in another room fighting for his life or, worse, already de
ad. Just the thought of losing him drove me into cold sweat.

  “How did you find out about me?” I asked, trying to distract myself from the negative thoughts.

  “You must be kidding me, Becky. The story about your accident has been all over the news. CNN, Haaretz, Jerusalem Post, you just name it.”

  “Really? Did the news say anything about my husband?”

  “I have no idea, Becky.”

  “Was there any information on a guy named Jason?” I repeated myself.

  “Not that I remember.”

  “Oh, no! How will I forgive myself now?”

  “Look, you must be under a great shock, Becky.”

  “You don’t understand. We had a fight. Then I got so frustrated that I drove away to Ashkelon. He came to get me. If something bad happened to him, it was my fault.” At this point, I was completely oblivious to the fact that Avi probably wasn’t interested in my personal life.

  “Becky, calm down.” He gently touched my upper left arm.

  “I can’t.”

  “If something happened to him, the news would have mentioned it. I’m sure he’s all right.”

  “Easy for you to say, Avi.”

  “You think it’s easy, Becky? When I learned my younger brother was in danger, I was beside myself. I immediately dropped all my work at the Institute and drove here to see him. Never mind it was in the middle of the night. Never mind I had an important deadline next morning. Nothing mattered to me at this point. I was beyond relieved when they declared his life was out of danger.”

  “You must understand how I feel then.” I sighed.

  “Of course, Becky! I know how scary it feels when someone you care about might be gone.”

  “I’m sorry, Avi.” Tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “It’s not your fault.” He gently wiped off my tears.

  “Please leave me alone.”

  “I will, and I hope everything turns out well for both of you.”

  “Me too. I hope your brother recovers soon.”

  As he left the room, I scooted down in my bed, crying silently. Now that I didn’t know where my husband was, I felt more lost than ever. Slowly the fatigue took over, and I fell asleep.

  ***

  “Becky! Baby, are you awake?” I heard someone say. I opened my eyes and saw my mother standing next to me.

  “Mom!” I exclaimed. “How did you get here?”

  “We grabbed the first tickets as soon as we learned the news.” She leaned down and planted a kiss on my forehead.

  “I’m happy to see you, but—”

  “Dad and Erin are waiting outside. Do you want to see them?” she asked without letting me finish the sentence.

  “Of course!” I replied. “I can’t believe you all flew here to see me.”

  “And I can’t believe you are surprised!” My father walked into the room. “The moment we saw your story on the TV, there was no time to delay.”

  “Well, I’m glad to see everyone, and I’m sorry for causing all this distress.”

  “Becky, what are you talking about?” my mother exclaimed. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I think she needs some quiet time,” Orit said. She was standing at a corner taking down notes.

  “Definitely,” Erin replied. “She needs to get plenty of rest.”

  “We will leave you alone for now,” my mother said, leading my father and Erin away.

  “Wait!” I exclaimed. “Did you see Jason?” Unfortunately, everyone, including Orit, was already gone.

  I had to stay positive. Maybe he was alive. Maybe his injuries weren’t severe, and he was just getting clearance from a doctor. Maybe he would enter the room at this moment. Then something registered in my mind.

  My parents hadn’t mentioned him. When I tried to ask, they left immediately. They knew the truth but didn’t want to upset me. Then it hit me. Jason was probably gone forever. As I pictured him lying on the ground covered with blood, a huge lump rose in my throat.

  We had such a wonderful future together, and I had ruined it. First I had wrecked our marriage. Then I had taken his life. I began crying louder and louder until I was shaking from wild sobs.

  Orit ran into the room with two other nurses, exchanging words in Hebrew. One of them fished out a syringe and started filling it with some medication. Another touched a spot on my upper hand and started applying rubbing alcohol.

  “What are you doing?” I managed to ask.

  “Honey, you are having a panic attack,” Orit replied calmly. “This is normal.”

  “No! Stop it! I’m not having any attack!”

  It was too late. The needle was already in my skin.

  “Please, don’t do this to me!” I tried to jerk my hand away.

  “It’s all right. You’ll feel better,” one of the nurses tried to reassure me.

  “You don’t understand anything!” I wailed.

  “Sweetie, we have hundreds of patients every day,” Orit said, pulling my hand back. “We understand what you are going through.”

  “Your medication won’t help me. Nothing will help me anymore. Please just leave me alone!” It was too late. Suddenly, I began to feel lightheaded, and everything became blurry.

  I closed my eyes and opened them again. I wanted to wake up at home and find Jason lying beside me. I wanted him to reassure me that everything was simply a nightmare. I wanted to walk to our kitchen and make coffee with a toast. I wanted us to sit on the couch, to cuddle, and to laugh like in the good, old times. Yet I was still at the hospital surrounded by three nurses hovering over my bed. Suddenly, I no longer felt anything. No pain, no despair, no realization I’d lost the man I loved. My eyelids became heavy, and I passed out again.

  ***

  “Rebecca, your case is special,” Orit told me after I woke up. She was standing alone next to my bed looking perfectly serene. I often wondered how medical professionals managed to look so calm when they saw crying patients every day. If I were her, I would’ve quit after my first medical practice.

  “My husband is gone,” I mumbled, taking a gulp from a glass of water that was standing on a nightstand. “He’s dead. Or wounded. Or dying right at this moment! They won’t tell me because they don’t want me to know.” My words sounded surreal even to me.

  “I thought you saw him already. Didn’t you?” Orit looked surprised.

  “It was someone else. A friend of mine.”

  “Ah, I see.”

  “That’s Avi. He’s visiting his brother here.”

  “I believe there was also someone else.”

  “Those were my parents and my sister.”

  “There is another guy who keeps waiting next to your room and constantly asking about you.”

  Orit’s words couldn’t be true. I spent the last hours agonizing over his disappearance, and he was standing right outside my room. But again, it could be someone else, from Shlomo to one of the people from the Albright Institute wanting to visit me. I just couldn’t understand why this person had to be so dramatic.

  “Let him in,” I commanded, feeling ready to put an end to all my hopes. When he walked in, I felt the greatest relief in my entire life. “Jason! I can’t believe you are alive.”

  Orit laughed. “You should’ve seen her a few moments ago.”

  “Becky, of course I’m alive!”

  I took a closer look at my husband. His eyes were bloodshot, and his hair, matted. He looked like he hadn’t slept or eaten in days.

  “Please call me if you need help,” Orit said, walking out the door.

  “Thank you.” I nodded in her direction.

  “Why didn’t you come earlier?” I asked him as soon as we were left alone. “You won’t believe everything that went through my head in the last hour.”

  “I wanted to, but the doctors advised me not to disturb you. I kind of told them it was my fault you are here.”

  “Looks like I’m going to sue the hospital.”

  “Becky, you never stop being
funny.” He smiled.

  “It’s not funny. I nearly had a heart attack.”

  “Me too. Please don’t disappear like this again.”

  “Jason, I’m sorry!”

  “No, Becky, it was my fault.” He looked down at the floor and up in my eyes again. “I shouldn’t have flipped out the other night.”

  “I understand, and I want to forget everything that went wrong.”

  “So do I, Becky. I understand you now.” He came closer and took my hand in his. I felt the familiar spark, the spark that had kept us together for all these years. What he said next, however, made me wish I had died in that accident. “From now on, you won’t see me again.”

  “What?” My chest tightened.

  “I came here to help you as a friend,” he explained.

  “Please tell me this isn’t true.”

  “I’m going to let you go, so that you may be free to choose how to live.”

  “Are you telling me we are over?”

  “We don’t have to cut each other off completely. We can still be friends. And if you want, I’ll stay with you here until you feel better.”

  I was speechless. I’d never imagined he would ask for a divorce. I did have doubts before, but I had sincerely hoped we would work everything out.

  “I promise to make it as painless as possible,” he continued. “I won’t ask anything from you. You can have our condo if you like.”

  I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to say “sorry” a million times and ask to start over. I wanted to break down in tears and cry until there was nothing left. Instead, I composed myself and said, “Fine, Jason. We’ll sort everything out in Toronto.”

  A nurse entered the room with a tray of food. “This is for Rebecca O’Connor-Smith,” she said.

  “Rebecca O’Connor,” I corrected her. From a corner of my eye, I noticed that Jason looked very sad.

  “Have some food,” he told me. “You need all the resources to recover.”

  “Well, thanks for caring about my well-being.” I tried to sound sarcastic.

  “I’ll always care about you.”

  “You don’t have to feel sorry for me.” I cocked my head up to prevent tears from coming.