“Why would you sell his stuff?” Standing now so he couldn’t look down to me, I took the defensive. How could he be so nonchalant about his ’ things, his passion for the small company he owned? I didn’t care if he was as rich as God and just as famous. That boat meant the world to Jerry and over my dead body would I let Shamus roll in and toss it all away.
“Whoa Sass.” Grabbing me by the hips to keep me from storming out, he stopped my tirade.
What I didn't expect at all was the horrifying flinch that came from being grabbed. I had always wondered if Shame grabbed me, or stepped to close to me from behind, if I would flinch.
I will flinch. I will because I just did, and it was proof it was never going away.
“You don’t have the right to touch me.” I snapped and roughly stepped out of his hold trying to stop the irrational fear I had and I just wanted to run. I could see the shock at my tone in his eyes but it faded quickly the minute he noticed my fear.
He stepped back and shook his head saying nothing about my reaction to his touch, nothing about the full body tremble that I wasn't hiding. “I can’t keep it all Cassa. I have to let some of it go. I’m keeping the most important things, the special stuff. I meant equipment to give to the guys. Dad would have wanted me to give his buddies that shit, not sell it.” He closed his eyes briefly blocking the pain and sat back down on the end of the bed. “I know Harry Wallenstein needs some good equipment and Dad would have wanted him to have it.” He pulled me, shaking and panting with irrational fear between his legs to get me closer. “Thank you though, for having his best interests at heart.”
I was terrified and I could see the questions on his face, could see him fighting to ask me what I was so frightened of. This was Shamus. Shamus is touching me, not Cory. Shame will never hurt me...
I started the mantra that I had clung too for what felt like forever. Every-time anyone touched me suddenly, or if someone was behind me and I didn't know it. For almost a year I wouldn't go to crowded restaurants or stores because of severe panic attacks. I started reminding myself I was safe, who I was with, that Cory was gone.
Shame is safe...Shame would never hurt me....
He left you stupid!
“I said don’t touch me.”
“I could give a fuck that you said that.” He replied with the smirk he used on his fans. He was playing a game with me, one a few years back that would have had me begging him to fuck me in seconds flat. I wasn't playing a game right now. His face was right at my belt and I had to be cautious to not lift my arms and show off my scars and tattoos. My jeans were cut low and as close as I was to his face he would not be able to miss those fucking scars and that was a whole other conversation for the future. Now was now and I had to get out of here before I was in full blown panic mode.
“I’m sorry Shamus I”- I didn’t get a chance to finish when the door flew open.
“Hey Shamus I “-
"Oh shit sorry! Wait… Cassa?"
Both Shamus and I went stock still when I heard Mikes voice. “I need to go.” I stammered and made my way past Mike. Mike knew better than to grab me or raise his voice so he followed close as I made my way to the front door. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to get my FOB aimed at my Scion. “Dammit!” I yelled and felt tears burning my eyes as humiliation took over. “I can't get it.” I was crying now, crying because the only man I had ever loved grabbed my wrist. Crying because there was a small and almost miniscule chance he could have seen my scars and tats. Crying because all while Shame was trying to flirt I was thinking up ways to run for my life. I was not okay. I was not normal. And I couldn’t press a damn button to unlock my God-damned car!
“Let me.” Mikey said from beside me, never behind me. His voice was his normal timber, because he knew I hated being coddled.
With shaking hands I handed over the FOB and key ring, my crying only worsening at the damn near constant reminder of how bad he had wrecked me. It was a span of six months that destroyed my life, the fun loving care free girl I was and the mother I could have been. Six months. Half a year.
Oh God!
The next thing I knew I was in the car but on the passenger side, and beside me was Carrie in the driver seat. “Hey there Chica.” She said with a smile. “We came to check on Shame when I saw you leaving. I'm gonna drive okay?”
She wasn't talking down to me, she was telling me she knew, it was cool and she was driving.
I love my girlfriends so much at times like these.
We said nothing to Mikey, Roni and Chad as we left and nothing as we drove to my apartment.
Saying nothing right then was fine, I needed the silence so that I could breathe.
When you play it hard, and I try to follow you there.
It's not about control but I turn back when I see where you go.
Are you going to age with grace?
Are you going to leave a path to trace?
But oblivion is calling out your name,
You always take it further than I ever can.
Bastille
Chapter Six
Shamus
I walked down the hall to the living room where Roni, Mike and Chad were waiting. I had no choice but to let her run. I don't know a damn thing of what spooked her so bad, but I was trying to get her to talk to me and see me. I am the guy who would never force her or hit her, fuck! I was hell bent on making Mikey pay for this one though. All the damn secrets were getting blown the fuck open now.
“Ever heard of a phone Mike?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen to get a beer.
“Yeah trust me I just learned my lesson.” Mike’s voice had a note of disgust behind it and Roni and Chad both looked sick.
I walked into the living room even more confused because they all looked like they wanted to throw up. I needed to tread lightly here, I knew that now. I started with Roni first and gave her a hug before admiring her growing bump. “Congratulations beautiful.” I said kissing her cheek.
I looked to Mike and smiled a very knowing and cold smile. “You need to start talking.” I set my beer on the coffee table and pulled Mikey in for a man hug. No matter how mad I was for being in the pitch black dark with Cassa, I was still glad my friend was here to support me. “Two visits in less than twenty-four hours? Mikey tell me your not becoming a fan freak on me.”
“I get what I want for free fucker.” Mikey laughed and looked at Roni with a wink who just rolled her eyes.
They both sat down across from one another and I walked to the fridge getting Chad a beer and scooping a wide awake and teeny tiny Noelle from his arms. “So what brings you by?” I asked and patted Noelle on the back before nuzzling her into my neck. This baby was all about the cuddles and not one of us bad ass rock stars could deny her, though Noah was the absolute worst.
“Actually I was hoping you knew where Cass was.” Mikey gave a slight shiver, a dead give away that he was uncomfortable.“Guess you did.”
I didn't like this at all. I looked at Chad who hadn't touched his beer and he wasn't smiling. I sure as fuck hope they didn't come here for a lecture on my argument with Sass last night. I had been completely floored by the news of not only a divorce but a divorce to an abusive marriage. “Why’d ya need Sass?” I asked and my voice took a serious tone now that I realized something was up.
“Cory got out on parole. Cass was supposed to make an appearance at the hearing and they said she never showed. He got out for good behavior.” The edge in Mikes voice was fierce and lined in hatred.
“Cory was in jail?” I asked confused. I knew they were divorced and that the fucker had hit her, but I didn’t know shit about jail.
Roni and Mike looked at one another before looking back at me. Chad was up and at my side scooping Noelle into his arms before I could ask what the fuck they were talking about.
“She didn't tell you?” Mike asked his voice laced with compassion and anger.
“Depends on what we are talking about. I know he hit he
r the night my Dad wrapped his Ford around a telephone pole but that’s about it.”
Mike rubbed his hands down his face before he looked at Roni. “Jesus Ron, take the car and get over to her house and bring her back here.” Roni stood immediately and headed for the door.
*
I looked at Mike waiting for an explanation. “What the fuck Mikey what’s going on?”
The cracking voice was not mine. It couldn't be. I was cool. I was Shamus fucking James and my shit was together God damn it! I look to Chad because he has been at my side, every fucking day for four years. Mikey had loyalty to Cassa, well Chad Blake had loyalty to me.
“Start talking fuckers or I go ape shit right fucking now. You two think I hit drums hard and fast just wait until I'm knocking your fucking skulls!” I had no idea who I was right now. The absolute worst images were swarming through my mind in rapid speed and they weren't talking. I was always level headed, always cool and chill but right now I was in a murderous rage. I didn't know if the stress of my dad dying combined with seeing Cass and learning of how bad life had sucked for her, or if I had finally had enough of my miserable barely tolerable life after being home with Cass for a day. Either way I was losing my shit, and fast.
It was a very small and very adorable cry that reeled me in fast as lightening. “I have my daughter, my life, curled in my arms so you better calm it down now before I show you how to crack a fucking skull!” This was Chad, Chad who had a temper and very rarely showed it. He was also proof of how a woman could make you crazy in less than a second. This time it was his daughter he was protecting, but had Carrie been here and scared his reaction would have been the exact same. Chad loved hard and his girls knew it, hell all of us knew it and we respected it.
My anger was because nobody was talking. “Then talk fucktards!”
“Cory hit her sure, but that’s the sugar coated version. He tried to kill her, almost succeeded.”
I felt my vision go dark with fury at Mikes words. Gripping the counter and trying to breathe I looked at the men who had been my brothers since childhood.
“What?” I couldn't even hear my own voice over the pulse in my ears.
Mike just nodded unable or unwilling, I wasn’t sure, but either way he was struggling with talking. He was a gossip hound that would rival any valley girl and he wasn’t talking. All that did was freak me out more. If Mike was quiet then this shit was bad, way bad and way worse that his non-challant admission that Cory almost killed my Cassa.
“How?” My voice soft but no less menacing. I had some bad ass security and lawyers just waiting to fuck shit up when I called and if that is where I need to start so fucking be it! If she needed help staying safe it would be on my dime and my time. In that moment nothing mattered. Not the band or the upcoming tour. Not the new album and not the hot and cold routine she had been playing since last night. This changed everything and the time for playing and testing the waters had passed. Cassa was and would always be mine no matter how bad I had messed things up when I left.
It was then the reality hit. I did this. I fucking did this.
“TALK!” I roared and chucked my bottle of miller against the wall. Chad was up and outside in seconds, returning only with Noah and Cal at his side. “What the fuck is this? You guys come to party? Come to check out your friend lose his mother fucking mind?” My eyes drilled on Mike and I absolutely disregarded the sight of my band in the room. They were dead to me. Mikey was dead to me. All I wanted now was answers. “Talk or I will beat the ever loving fuck out of you!”
They were looking at me like I had lost my mind. Shock and concern on all their faces, how funny they care now. They didn't think I deserved to know what happened, so why they care now is beyond me. But as Candey walks in the door, her eyes on mine and tears streaming down her face I realize that their shock is at me, the sight of me and the fact I am sobbing. “Stop!” I say and turn my back before Candey can touch me. “Don’t.” I whisper.
I don't feel her touch and I know she is respecting my request. I dry my eyes, humiliated that anyone see's me in this type of sadness. “Just someone talk.” It's not a request and they know it, but I have no fight in me right now. I am disgusted with myself for all of this. I somehow made them all think they couldn't tell me. I left and I never spoke her name and all along I was hoping and wishing like hell she was happy. She wasn’t she was in hell right there with me all along. I didn’t save her, I left her.
“I can’t Shame, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Mikey knew the whole unedited version and was sure the hell not about to drop that bomb. I understood the loyalty between siblings even though I had none. I had shared that loyalty with Mikey and the members of TAT.
No longer.
“Try the basics.” I said through gritted teeth. The idea of someone hurting her was more than I could handle right now. My mind was trying to adjust to the one slap she had told me and the fact he almost killed her. There was a lot of negative space in “almost killed her” to make me crazy. If this story got worse, then I was going for blood.
“The basics? Umm… well... uh… ok.” Mike stumbled his words nervously. He stood and paced the patch of carpet in front of the fireplace. “He beat her and controlled her to no end for the six months they were married. Then the night your Dad wrecked she left without Cory’s permission. Cory went crazy, found some shit out that Cass thought she had hidden from him and tried to kill her.”
“What shit?” I asked feeling my eyes burning for more un-shed tears. I was beyond tears now, I was nothing but rage.
Mike knew that I wouldn’t accept the basics.
“Nope sorry my brother but no way in hell I am going there. That’s Cassa’s business. Her very own Pandora’s Box and you need to respect that it’s not my place.”
“Fine I’ll just ask her.” I said like it would be simple. “What about trying to kill her? What did he do?”
Mike held his breath and with tears in his eyes he looked at me. “He sliced her open, took some of her insides, her uterus and ovaries amongst other damages; a real ‘Jack the ripper’ job. She lost a lot of blood and he figured she would bleed out. He left her to die and thank God he did because she crawled to the phone on her nightstand and called 911.” Mike stopped talking and looked out the window as Roni pulled in sans Cassa.
“What the hell where is she?” Mike yelled when he met Roni at the door.
I bolted out the door and headed for the car where I hoped I would see Cassa.
She wasn’t there.
“She doesn’t want Shame to know what happened so she sent me to get you and bring you back to her place.”
Mike lost all the color in his face when he looked at me as I was getting in Mikes Durango“Shame what are you doing?” Mike asked as he rushed to his SUV.
“Cassa is mine Mike you know she is and I will not let her hide from me. You stay here.” I went to back out when it dawned on me I didn’t know where she lived. I stopped and rolled the window down. “Directions Mikey?”
“She will kill me Shame.” Mike said pleading with me to stop, but knowing I wouldn’t. He was the only person who knew that I still loved Cass, knew how I had tried to come back for her. Looking at my friend I couldn’t deny him and hated myself because I had to.
“I could kill you Mike!” I roared and jumped from the Durrangocharging the brother of my mind. “You should have told me the truth! Every time I called and asked about her; if she was happy now that she had moved on. Christ you didn’t even tell me she was divorced Mike!” I was losing my mind and knew I needed to leave but the only place that I wanted to go was to my Sassy, where I could keep her safe and pain free forever.
Chad, Cal and Noah charged outside earlier when I had tried to leave but were now circling Mike and everything in me snapped. I looked at Chad, stood toe to toe and stared him down. My breathing was rapid and my rage was an entity of it's own. “I'm done. I'll finish the album but start looking for my replacement. I quit!”
Roni stepped in then. “Both of you stop and catch me up.” She looked at me. “You’re still in love with Cassa?”
“I see Mike is better at secrets than I gave him credit for, he kept you in the dark too.”
“It is not my place Shame. She made me swear because she knew I still talked to you. She’s my baby sister and after everything over the last fourteen years I swore to myself she would always come first.”
“Shut up Mike.” Roni said before looking at me disregarding Mike’s offended reaction. “3001 125th Avenue Southeast #1D.” Roni said but I had what I needed and was in the Durrangoand pulling out when she yelled to me, “Bellevue, Shame.” I nodded in thanks. She must have moved to Bellevue with that douche bag and she was leaving Bellevue tonight. Cassa was Gig Harbor and she was coming home with me tonight.
I know you have a little life in you yet,
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be fighting but I just cant let it go.
I should be hoping but I cant stop thinking.
Chapter Seven
Cassa
“Come here you little bitch!” He snarled and I knew, fuck I knew it was going to hurt. I made my way to Cory who was standing in our kitchen. I knew what he was mad about and I was careless. I had stopped at the corner market on my way home today and was craving a beer so damn bad. Cory was due in court all day and I didn't think, I just bought it. A single bottle and I was about to take a trip through hell for it.
“Explain.” He demanded, his fist was tight in my hair and he pulled me by the already tender scalp toward the dome shaped can of garbage by the door. He slapped the lid and it went crashing to the floor. The first thing I saw was the fucking bottle. I thought I had buried it in the can deep enough, I hadn't though.
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