“Look at me baby.” He whispered, his hand had been on my hip but was now stroking along the center of my back. “Please baby. Look at me, seeme.”
When I looked up I saw that same chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones and cupids bow mouth. His eyes were dark and glazed over with emotion. “I won’t leave you again baby. I’ll never walk away from you again. There is nothing that you could ever do to make me leave. You can fight me and scream and yell, baby, you could hate me and I’m still never leaving you again. I don’t think you understand the gift you gave me showing up here. I know you crawled out of hell Cassa, on broken and bloody knees. I know I wasn’t here to keep that fate from finding you and that’s something I need to come to terms with. I will babe, in time. Right now though…” He trailed off when he pulled me in close pressing our chests together. His chin rested atop of my head where we stayed for a few precious seconds. He kissed the crown of my head and pulled back enough to look at me once again. “Right now I need you babe, to hold my hand and help me say goodbye to my dad.”
Tears rolled with abandon from my lids when he said those words. I loved Jerry deeply but no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t my father. I buried my parents at a young age, my baby brother too and that pain is a dull knife that just keeps cutting with no closure in sight. Shame admitting to needing…anything emotionally was an enormous gift. One I had always cherished. “I’ll be right beside you as long as you need me to be.” I meant those words as if my hand were resting on the Holy Bible.
“Forever baby. I’ll always need you Sassy.”
I didn’t want the moment to end, but the water was getting cooler by the second and we needed to get ready for the wake. Shame handed me the loofah and his body wash, Axe, of course and I rolled my eyes. “I need to shower in my girly stuff Shame. I am not going to your dads wake smelling like-“ I read the bottle and gave an even deeper eye roll- “Phoenix. Really?”
He shrugged and smiled his everyday cocky grin that made me weak. “It smells good and it’s a deodorant too. I sweat a lot baby.”
I laughed and used a small amount to get clean. I watched as he squeezed a glob on his hand and scrubbed it over his barely there hair.
"What’s with the shaved do here Shame?" I had wondered why he shaved it so close to nothing was left.
"I'm a rock star baby, this is rock star hair." He said it with that damn wink that I hated because all the girls loved it… even though it brought me to my knees.
"That is still so crazy Shame. You are a rock star. You made your dream come true." I smiled.
"It’s definitely unbelievable. I still feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes." He turned the water off and stepped from the shower, before grabbing a towel and helping me out of the tub and bundling me against his chest. "I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of us.”
Us was the label and management team as well as the guys personal security and roadies. From what Chad and Noah had told me, TAT was now a big ass family of rockers. “Candey talks non-stop about Drake.” I said referring to the guys head of security. Knowing he was bound by contract to give Shame any details he wanted or needed meant I hadn’t wanted to meet him.
“Yeah we all know and it pisses Noah off. He tolerates Drake but Noah being Noah, he treats him like a bitch and refuses his services.” Shame put paste on his tooth brush and started brushing his teeth while digging in a drawer until he found a brand new brush and handed it to me. Spitting he looked at me, “Brush away baby.”
I didn’t want to know why he had extra new brushes hanging around but I assumed it was for his hometown visits with fangirlslike Brit. “Get out of your head baby. I know what you’re thinking and your right, but the only tooth brushes in here from now on are ‘ours’. Capeche?”
I blushed like a complete dork. “Capeche.” I replied and started brushing my teeth. This felt normal and I really liked normal. “So when will I meet them all?” I asked through my own mouth of foam, biting back a smile at the normal joy most people experience daily.
"Tonight. They flew in this morning and are coming to the wake to pay their respects. They all knew him and respected him." A sadness crept back in behind his eyes that I caught before it flashed away as quickly as it came.
"Jerry would have liked that. He loved making new friends." I watched him nod along to my words but I don’t think he felt them. "So when do you go back?" I asked the inevitable question that I needed to know but also one that wouldn’t bring that lost look in his eyes.
"We find out tonight. Tayla our manager will have the PR dates tonight but most the trips are short and it only lasts about three months." He was immediately more comfortable as he turned and opened the medicine cabinet and took out his shaving kit. "Drew is my PR Rep and before we even leave he lines up all the appearances. Letterman, and this year he booked us for Ellen." He watched me through the mirror as I brushed my hair and the smile on his lips told me he liked normal too.
I however was completely fangirlingat the thought of Shame hanging with Ellen. Wanting to play it cool and flip out about it at home in the privacy of my room and Candey and Carrie to scream with, I went on as if unfazed by the awesomeness of that.
"So how long do the tours go for?" I didn’t want to be a sour puss but after two years of no Shamus, I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, I wanted time....more time to be his again. Time to be me again.
He caught the sadness when I spoke, I could see it in his eyes and the way he set his razor down and wiped his face off. He stepped behind me and slid his arms against my tummy. "Hey,” he whispered and nuzzled into my neck. “I will fly you to me when you’re free and I will be back here in between appearances." He held my gaze, both of us looking in the mirror.
"I just… I'm not ready to let you go yet." I choked on the words while trying to hold back my tears.
"Why don’t we wait until tonight and see what the dates are before we start missing each other okay?" He kissed my lips softly and cupped my cheek. “Besides he knows that Carrie is in wedding mode so none of the trips will be crazy long so Chad can be here to chill her out.” He laughed and I did too knowing Carrie was stressed to her max knowing the wedding was so soon.
I smiled and let him think I was comforted but I feared my happiness would be short lived.
There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of "must we"
Just because the son has come.
TOOL
Chapter Fifteen
Cassa
I walked into the bar and waited for Shamus. We drove separately because Shamus went to meet the guys in Seattle to try to mend the wounds I forced on them. I spotted Carrie, Candey and Roni and Mike all sitting at the table by the stage. Howies was run down and most of the tables had seen better days, the chairs too. The walls were lined with various sports memorabilia as well as local fisherman photos and trinkets. Shame had paid to hold the wake here offering Howie the money he needed to fix the place up. Howie refused to charge for the renting of the bar. He like most the town of Gig Harbor had loved Jerry. The place was packed tonight and security had been called in to help manage the chaos.
My main issue with fangirlsand even some fanguys, was that they didn’t know their place. Shame, shouldn’t have to worry about the fans bombarding him as he gives his dad a farewell. News had broken that Shamus James dad had passed away and there had been a line of paparazzi and fans outside Howies since last night.
Making the chaos worse was word that the guys would be playing in honor of Jerry and everyone wanted a free show. They were all leeches. I didn’t care if they made Shame and the guys rich by buying the albums. Everyone deserved peace and quiet when they were grieving. The guys ‘die hard’ fans didn’t give a fuck who was hurting, not at the chan
ce of a picture, a touch or an autograph that they could brag about on Facebookor twitterlater.
“Can you believe this shit?” I ask the girls and look around the almost packed bar. The best thing about small towns is everyone knows everyone, so at least the faces in the bar were friendly.
“Yeah sweetie, we can.” Candey said and sipped from some frutie-froo-froo drink. “We have seen it everywhere they go.” Carrie nodded in agreement and Roni just shrugged. Unlike me, they have seen the scene before and have been living it alongside Noah and Chad since the day they made it big. I always changed the channel when TAT was on the TV. I never read magazines or read up on the news online. If it had involved TAT, IE: Shamus, then I ignored it. If it was big news or congratulatory then Candey and Carrie filled me in. I had stayed far away from any information on them, even though they were my very family and a part of my daily life.
I never claimed to make the right choices or that the ones I did make sense.
Carrie was twisting the napkin in her hands waiting for Chad to make his way inside. “I hate when it’s hyped up like this.” She said as I took a seat beside her.
“It’s ridiculous.” I agreed.
“I think it’s kind of amazing though.”
“Carrie, he deserves to mourn with family and friends, not the world. Some shit needs to be sacred.” I would stand by that and not yield. Some things were simply private.
“I agree. But Cass, they gave up the right to piss and moan about it when they decided to become stars.” Roni leaned forward and reached for my hand, but I moved not wanting to acknowledge her. My attention was on Carrie. “I do agree that privacy and respect should be given, but for them it involves security and the fact that even though those fans aren’t inside, they know damn well that the guys are and that what is taking place is private. Someone will talk to the press, another someone will take pics and sell them and like all the other private and personal moments these guys have, will be plastered on TMZ and Us magazine by the weekend’s end.”
Before I could reply with something along the lines of “That’s bullshit” Carrie’s phone started ringing. Candey had turned in her chair to talk to one of Jerry’s friends and that left me with Mike and Roni who were both salivating to know what happened after I left last night. They must not remember that I am still mad at them right now.
. I would not be lectured tonight either and I would not waste a second of Jerry's wake on my worthless insane ex. Maybe I was a fool, maybe I should always fear him, but in the end Shamus had made me feel free for the first time and it was a feeling I wasn’t in a hurry to step away from.
I caught Roni looking at me, her earlier glee replaced now with sadness from my silence and the cold shoulder. I looked at Mike, who was still pissed and I rolled my eyes. Roni was a different story, though. She was the captain of the cheerleaders for life and happiness and all things good. Seeing her sad and worried broke my hearts. I looked at Roni and that simple look spoke volumes and it all became water under the bridge. I walked to the opposite side of the table and hugged her close. "I refuse to talk about this. I know you guys care and love me, but it is my life and I won’t be bullied any longer. I love you both and I am dropping it OK."
"Sure Sass, whatever." But Mike said he was angry and he would have to deal with it. Roni hugged me tight and reassured me how much Mike loved me and his concern… blah. I know it already, but I bite my tongue.
A swarm of headlights… and then a swarm of screaming women started chanting TAT and I knew my boys had arrived. A dozen flashes started going off and then the swarm of people were in hysterics. I followed Mike and Howie to the door and my heart stopped. Stepping out of the limo was Shamus. His head was covered by his Fox sports and jeans with a pair of dark sunglasses over his eyes and a sports coat… to dress it up. He looked a mixture of sexy and sad, but managed to make it look flawless and all rock star. He walked quickly stopping every five or so people to sign autographs before reaching the door. Behind him were the guys who let Shame lead the way. He was usually the straggler, the guy behind the rest, but tonight the guys were at his back and the symbolism wasn’t lost on me.
He stepped into Howies and left the swarm and the rock star outside. He walked straight to me and took my hand in his. "Hi baby." He said, but was cautious with his display. "Come with me." His smile still on his face, he pulled me to the back of the bar where there were no windows, just cases of liquor and kegs waiting to be tapped.
"Welcome to my world." He said with an edge in his voice. He reached in his pocket and took out his cell. When the other end answered Shamus's face changed immediately. "I told you NO Drew, this is my Fathers fucking wake."
I watched Shamus's face turn from mad to fury as he listened to the other end of the line. "No this shit better stop, I say no to something I fucking mean it." He ended the call before turning and throwing the phone against the wall, breaking a few bottles of wine in the process. I flinched and backed up by the door, my concern for him became fear the instant he threw the phone. I had my hand on the door knob when he placed his arms on the shelving unit holding bottles and bottles and bottles. His forearms flexing as he gripped the shelf. I could see he was trying to contain himself, but my need to run was overwhelming. I was about to bolt out the door when it opened from the other side, forcing the bottled up fear inside to release in a scream.
"Shame?" A woman with very short black hair that was brushed and styled down the center of her scalp in what looked like a very pretty faux hawk, walked in but jumped when I screamed. She was beautiful, dressed in a three piece suit and complete with her blue tooth, but her eyes were smeared with black makeup. She looked over at me in my terrified state. I don’t know if she thought I was a crazy fangirlor an employee of Howies, but either way she smiled sincerely and extended her hand. "I’m guessing here, but I assume you are Cassa?" Her eyes were kind; I would always remember that about Tayla.
"Yes." I whispered and tried to get my composure.
If possible her smile grew bigger. "I'm Tayla. Shamus has told me so much about you I feel like I know you."
I smiled, feeling comfortable with her immediately. Shamus walked to my side his face repentant when he realized hehad scared me. He took my hand into his and smiled. He was still angry, I could see that, but he wasn’t lashing out. He cupped my face in his hands and looked me in the eye. "Think like the old Cassa, remember I would never hurt you." He kissed the top of my head and looked at Tayla. He didn’t make a fuss or treat me like I was crazy. It was something that made me fall for him all over again.
"There has to be some solitude Tayla. My father’s death may be great for publicity, but I don’t care if his death ended world hunger, I need some privacy. I don’t need the world to watch me mourn my father." I could feel his pulse as he held my hand and I felt awful for being scared of him. He had every right to be angry he needed to say goodbye to his dad with some dignity and the world wasn’t going to let him.
"I know Shame. I will have the lot emptied before we leave and I talk to the press." Tayla looked back at me, her smile still comforting. "Really sorry we had to meet like this, under these circumstances."
"Me too. Jerry spoke of you often and always with kindness and fondness. He always called you the fifth TAT member.” I smiled a sad smile at the memory.
"Oh no I am the Manager of this band." She came forward with her smile becoming one of seriousness. "I would never let anyone boss me around like Shame and the guys otherwise." She winked before looking at Shamus. "My job is to deal with Drew. Go out and be with your family and friends."
"Let’s get back out there." Shamus said before kissing me sweetly asking with his kiss to be forgiven.
Duh! Like I could deny him?
"Really sorry Sass." He said against my mouth effectively making me melt. I loved the feel of his talking sweet things against my lips. He may have given that piece to other women, but it was and would always be mine.
"I overreacted Shame, y
ou have every right to be mad. I have no right to make you feel like you can’t react because I might. It’s complete bullshit that you have to worry about that nightmare while you’re sitting smack dab in another one. My reactions are just reactions." I kissed him just as soft and just as sweet, letting my next words fall on his lips in the same manner as he did. “I’m not scared of you baby.”
He looked at me, his eyes soft and empty from anger. "I love you."
I would never get tired of hearing that. "I love you." I said back with a smile. "Now I am dying to see everyone else." I walked to the door and could hear Tayla behind me.
"I have to go talk to Cal about some guitar string fiasco." Tayla spoke as she opened the door and stopped short, looking at the man standing on the other side.
The most amazing looking man stood there smiling at the three of us. He was Asian descent, Japanese maybe? His dark eyes were coal black and he had a knowing stare to them that was a warning to anyone.
“Yeah, he’s out there paranoid waiting on the strings.” Shamus said, smiling before locking the man in a handshake and then pulling him into a hug. Cal was paranoid over everything that involved the band. Today it was guitar strings. Tayla seemed to handle the chaos in stride. Amongst all the fans and Shames obvious frustration, she was now taking the strings fiasco in stride.
“Sorry I was late, I heard about the drama at the door.” The unknown guy said.
“You’re here now, you can kick ass later.” Shamus said with a laugh.
“I’m sorry about Jerry Shame. He was a hell of a man.”
“Thanks Drake.” He looked at me with that loving glint in his eyes and smiled. “Drake I would like you to meet my Cassa.”
Drake, OK, I knew who he was. I had heard stories of Drake and his terrifying presence. I was shocked because he wasn’t what I expected. I was expecting a guy big as The Rock. This guy was built for sure, but he didn’t look the part. Based on the stories I had heard of his strength and know how, I assume his appearance is a weapon of its own. He was very ordinary, non-threatening. It could be a mistake of epic proportions to assume the man lacked strength. “Hi, nice to meet you Drake.”
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