I just shake my head and decide my work with the band was done and I was wasting precious time with Sassy. I took the remaining shot glasses and an empty bottle of beer up to Howie thanking him again for the place. “Catcha' tomorrow douche.” I yell to Cal over my shoulder and shrug on my jacket anxious to get to my girl.
“What were you gonna ask Noah earlier?” Cal asked, a rare moment for him to show his concern for anything non TAT related. He wasn’t heartless, the opposite really. He was just a lover of life and smiled his way through the ugly shit in the world. His words from earlier had shocked me just as his seriousness now.
It took a minute to answer, not sure if I dared ask the question. I knew I needed to know though, and I didn’t know if Cass would ever be able to tell me it all. “How bad it really was.”
Cal kept his head down, his eyes on the empty mug in his hand as he tilted it on its edges in circles against the table top. “It was awful man.”
I didn’t move. I knew I was about to step into a nightmare and I couldn’t fucking move. “Define awful Cal.”
He let the mug go just to start chipping at the wood on the table his eyes never seeking mine out telling me what I was about to hear was bad. “I had come home for a family reunion remember that? It was just after we signed and Noah made this big deal about coming home too, saying he missed Candey and Carrie?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Chad was on a plane the next day when Noah called him and told him what happened. We all knew that Cory had put his hands on her before, but we knew they were married and she was beyond listening to any of us saying we were wrong that Cory would never touch her. We new telling you would wreck you…” He looked at me then, his eyes rimmed red from unshed tears, the crack in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Man, I couldn’t take it when I saw her Shame. I walked in and if I didn’t know better I never would have believed that it was Cassa in that bed.” He shook his head as if trying to shake the memory. The thought of what he saw made my skin crawl.
“She was beaten within an inch of her life, fucking unrecognizable. And then the hatchet job he did on top of the beating, knowing the pain she must have been in. It was too much man. I left, told her I was there if she needed me, but I couldn’t take seeing her like that. I know I don’t spout love and family when it comes to us and that it seems all I care about is the band. But I care man.” His eyes drilled into me and I felt my own eyes moisten at his words. “I hated knowing what she went through, I hated that I couldn’t look at her because of how bad it hurt me.” He told me, slapped his chest, and used the back of his hand to wipe his face.
“I'm a man and men don’t do that shit to another man unless they touch your female, let alone fucking a chick up like that... What he did to her…” He was shaking his head no again. “I left, couldn’t handle it. Men are supposed to be strong and able to deal but I couldn’t. I didn’t see her again for a month. I called though, I called her everyday Shame. I bailed and came back to Cali and went on a week long bender by myself. I hid out and tried to drink away the image of what he done to someone I care about like blood.”
I couldn’t take it. I went to the table and placed my hand on Cal’s shoulder in comfort knowing he was already low I didn’t want to make it worse by hugging him or some shit. Guys don’t deal with emotion, we brush that shit under the fucking rug and leave it there for years if we can. I could see how bad this was eating Cal. He felt like a let down. He didn’t see how cool he was. How sometimes running is best. Had he stayed and forced himself in that room to see the evidence of evil, it would have wrecked him and Cass would have known in return affecting her too. This is what I meant by some of us just aren’t made to bear the weight of this shit on their soul. Calvin Dorian is one of those people. Cal had a loving mom and dad, three brothers a dog and a white picket fence. Dinner was on the table at six each day and bedtime came with ‘I love you’s and ‘sweet dreams’. Noah, me, Chad, Carrie and even Candey… we had it different. Cal had been untouched by the darkness until that day.
My mind went back to when the guys came back from Washington. They all seemed a little sad, but I chalked it up to home sick. Cal though, Cal didn’t seem right for months and I knew why now. I can't imagine bearing the weight of that secret after seeing what he saw. Noah was right, they did bare the weight of her nightmare for me.
“You gotta let it go Cal.” I said the words I knew we all needed to heed.
“No, I gotta get it out man because the fucking guilt eats at me and I want you to hear it from me dude.”
I didn’t know what else he needed, but I would stay as long as he needed. Howie was still behind the bar, I assume dinking around with shit knowing we were in some deep talk at the moment and wasn’t about to kick us out. I made a mental note to tell Tayla to pay double the price I was paying originally because Howie was good fuckin’ people.
“Noah was there from the crack of dawn until midnight, told the nurses to fuck off that he wasn’t leaving. I don’t know why, but Cass clung to him and it seemed she never wanted him to leave.” I knew it was because he knew it all, the pain, the humiliation of being in that bed. He had seen Carrie there, been there himself. It was in Noah’s nature to try and fix ugly. Noah would never let ugly take one of us. He was the rock in our roll, strong as fuck? Yeah strong as fuckin’ fuck.
“Chad handled all the media shit. He talked to the press and told Tayla every dollar in his account was as good as the paparazzi’s if they kept her name out of it. We all learned everything had a price. Noah threw money, I did… we covered it as best we could and the shit still leaked. So we made sure you were free from it. It was a long shot, but we did it and I have never regretted it Shame not even now. Every PR event we went to, Tayla made threats to every talk show host, mag and TM fucking Z that it was not allowed in the interviews and any discussion or violation would result in a law suit. We waited on pins and needles every time for the bomb to drop.”
He had gathered his strength and was no longer crying, but the anguish over it all was still evident. Howie came by with a pitcher of beer and set it on the table with two chilled mugs. “On the house boys. You need me, I’ll be in the office doing paperwork. You boys stay as long as ya like, I got hours worth of accounting to account for.”
We gave the old man, our thanks, and I decided to triple the rate for the rental.
“We all started breathing easier once Carrie and Chad got back together. Cassa had started calling or texting us and letting us all back in again. But the entire thing changed us all. We started making moves to keep her safe. Chad and Noah found Drake right after the attack and after signing him we had a guy from Drakes firm keeping tabs on Cass. We all knew that when the day came that you learned of the attack, we wanted you to know we always had her back. A little too late, but we pay for that every-time we see her.”
“Cal, you gotta let the guilt go man. If there is one thing this whole nightmare showed me, it’s that Cassa is strong, fucking strong, and she fights man, like I never thought someone could. Hell, she doesn’t see it, but in the end she knows she’s loved and taken care of. You did right by her.” I wish like hell I could bear the burden for him. Cal had seen the dark and I don’t think he ever came fully back from it.
“It’s Noah and Chad that made her strong, though Shame.” He looked away then and now curiosity was gonna kick my ass.
“Explain?”
“The day before I left to come back to California and try to forget I went to say goodbye to her and heard Chad and Noah talking to her. Noah was telling her about his and Carrie’s dad and what he went through daily trying to keep Carrie safe.”
Fuck! Noah usually only opened up when he was high and he hadn't been high in a long time. He had told me some stories before, it was almost like sometimes the bad shit is so deafening in his mind, he forces it to release and knows the safest place to do so is with us. If there is one thing the Beckett's take serious, it’s trust and they trusted us.
“I stood there listening to him talk about the shit that sadistic fuck did to him, listened as Chad talked about being with Carrie and seeing her fight it off daily. Noah was begging her to play trust me dude. You know what fucking trust me is?” His voice was trembling again and I knew, God dammit I knew what trust me was. Noah had invented a game when he was just a kid and Carrie barely out of the toddler stage. He would create these dream worlds where nothing could hurt him or Carrie but there could be no secrets or lies or the world would shatter. It was remarkable how he saved him and Carrie both with it.
“He was so cool too man, I swear to fuck I want to be Noah when I grow up.”
I laughed at that knowing neither of us could ever be Noah Becket cool.
“He just started spouting some bullshit about zebra striped houses and leopard printed cars.”
I laughed even harder now because Noah knew how to handle Cass well. The girl loved some animal print. “That would do it.” I took a drink from the beer and poured one for Cal.
“Then he told her he would go first and said his secret that week was that he shot up four times, each time after leaving the hospital. At first I thought he was crazy telling her that and adding to her already fragile mind. But sure as shit she started crying and begged him to stop. He said he would stop if she would talk to him. So she started talking. I'll spare you the details, but it involved her on her knees eating from the trash and that’s me putting it nicely. Noah asked Chad to leave at one point because he kept cursing under his breath when she would tell a ‘truth’ as he called it.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, just like that.” Cal laughed and I realized I had done the same thing as Chad. “I was totally busted by Chad when he came out of the room and saw me standing there listening. He wiped at his eyes fast because the stories had him breaking down. That was when I knew Noah kicked him out for how upset he was getting. I left with Chad and went to the hospital cafeteria to get some grub. Chad told me Noah was an oak. I asked him to explain what he meant, he said that no matter how hard he tried, hearing the shit he and Carrie went through or then when Cass was opening up, he never shed a tear and Chad always did. He told me that the bass wasn’t Noah’s calling, but that therapy was. He said if he didn’t know better he would swear Noah was placed in a revolving hell of sadness just to save others… like an angel.”
“Fuck it makes sense.” I couldn’t help but agree with Chads point of view when it came to Noah.
“Over the last year, Noah covered her scars with tats and he sits there and takes her pain in, lets her talk to him about all the fucked up shit that turned her inside out and upside down in six fucking months. I had no part bro, in saving her. Noah stepped in and took the fuck over and helped her through the psychological bullshit and Chad handled the secrets covering every track to the point of paranoia. I played music, partied and could barely stomach calling her every day, but I did bro. I called and I talked to her about fucking animal print and polka dots. Every fucking day I swear and I don’t regret it, but fuck…. they saved her man not me.”
That’s what this was about? He didn’t want to be included as a hero. He felt guilty for not doing more, for keeping the secret and not saving her. All I could think was poor fucking Cal. My friend had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he didn’t get that what he did by calling her every day, was showing her she wasn’t alone. “Cal, Cassa saved Cassa. Noah might have got her talking, but Noah could make a monk talk. Chad handled the media frenzy because Chad is the lead singer, the most recognized and sought after. I would have had Chad on it too, if I had known. People are gonna listen to ‘Gods gift to women’ and do as he says, because America fucking loves him and reporters make millions off him. You were her friend Cal. You called every day. You never asked her to tell you what happened, you only asked how she was, how her day was. Man, you’re just as big a hero as they are and you can't let this shit eat at you.” It sucked saying it, it tasted bitter as vinegar too, but they had my girls back when I had fangirls on their backs and me between their legs. They were fighting to save her and I was praying to forget her. I owed them all and I would repay it somehow.
“This is it Shame. People don’t get second chances very often. Forgive her for whatever kept you away. Let it go, move on. Adopt thirty fucking kids, bed her sweet ass every night and every time she cries fucking kiss her, promise me that and I swear I’ll let it go.” His voice was stern, his tears gone, he was telling me, he wasn’t asking.
“I fucking swear it man.”
Cal grabbed his beer and chugged it before dropping a one-hundred dollar bill on the table. “Awesome lets head, I need to go kiss Tayla’s ass before she kills me.”
“Yeah be careful. She looked like she would have slit your nuts clean open if she had a knife handy.”
“Yeah. Trust me bro, it was deserved. I’m kind of a dick to her.”
Cal didn’t know how to be a dick. He was the most positive guy I knew and literally loved the hell out of life. It’s why knowing what happened to Cass, seeing her in the state I had yet to understand, affected him so deeply.
“Wanna talk?” I ask, but I am so uncomfortable, I want to itch my face off. I am a guy who is scared shitless of emotional displays of any kind and I have been in one long fucked up emotional display for four days. I did not want to talk relationships and chicks and the insanity that breeds in their minds, with Cal. Ever. But I would do it and try to not break out in hives.
“Fuck no. I’m Cal Dorian, dude. I don’t need chick advice from the guy who has worse chick problems than me.”
I laugh when deep down I am so fucking relieved.
I yell to Howie that we are leaving and we make it to the parking lot where we see Drake waiting in the driver's seat of the Lincoln waiting to drive us home.
Home was Cass and I needed home right now, more than I needed anything. My mind felt taken away, my heart broken from the overwhelming shit this trip home brought. My dad was dead now resting in peace I hoped, with my moms hand in his. Cassa was at home waiting for me, but she was damaged and would always be damaged. I had told myself I would fix her, that I would and I could bring her back. I couldn’t but I could support her and love her until the day I died.
I knew now that I didn’t want to know these secrets. I didn’t want to know what Cal saw that shattered his perception of the world. I didn’t want the guilt that leaving caused. I didn’t want the knowledge that my best friends sat and held her hand in her darkest hours, that she held my dads hand in his.
I wanted to cry at the blessing I was graced with in meeting these amazing souls, cry like a little bitch because they loved me so fiercely they bent to the point of breaking to save me. I wanted to kill Cory Noxx. I wanted to marry Cassa. Right now I wanted the life of a crabber and I fucking hated crabbing.
I just wanted Cassa and everything else to just wash away.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
Lifehouse
Chapter Seventeen
Cassa
I sat on my patio and looked out over the night sky. We lived right out of Factoria but from the top floor you could see Mercer Island and I loved the view. I had never sat on this patio in the time I had lived here by myself longer than a few minutes…and when I did I was always afraid. Tonight I felt safe and wanted to see what I had missed. I looked at the moon and the surrounding stars. Seattle air was different from the rest of the world. The days were dark and gloomy and pouring rain, but the sky almost always cleared and made room for the moon. I loved that.
I heard a faint knock on the door and I had to actually slow down before tripping over my own feet. I felt high, safe made me feel high and I couldn’t believe the shell I had been living in. But th
at was the thing about Shamus; he never let me hide, not from him anyway. There were numerous times that he would infuriate me, or someone would upset me, I could never hide from him because he never let me even try. He always read me like a book and I don’t think the two years apart changed that. He made me see myself, in his light through his eyes and everyone else be damned. He made me feel alive.
I opened the door after looking through the peephole. I was happy not stupid. "Hi." I breathed against his neck having flung myself into his arms.
"Hi," he said back, a smile in his voice. He pulled me in close and breathed in the scent of my honeysuckle shampoo. I wanted to fly knowing he still loved me.
"Come with me, I want to show you something." I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the patio. I stepped out and stood with my back to the railing. "I have been sitting back here since I got home. Alone. I just sat here and thought. No fear, no precautions, just came out to sit on my balcony like a normal person Shame."
"That’s great Sassy." He said but his voice sounded sad. I know it’s not a huge deal to stand on a patio, but I really thought he would understand.
"I know it seems silly, but I haven’t come out here alone ever, someone has always been here with me. It felt good. Candey and Noah left about twenty minutes ago and I was out there and was… well I wasn’t going back in. I fought the urge to hide and I just…. relaxed Shame." I chewed my lip, realizing maybe I was being a fool all along. There was no boogie man and I needed to stop crying.
"Hey." Shamus said and took my hand in his to pull me close. "This is huge Sass, don’t think it’s not OK?”
I nodded and sighed when he kissed me. His hands fell to my hips and he pulled me in close. I arched into the kiss and felt that familiar wetness build between my legs. Now it was a simple touch and I was revved up and ready to go. I nuzzled my face into his neck, taking in the scent of Shame and Axe and how the scent had my tummy flip flopping in glee. Wanting and needing more, remembering that he said he, was mine and I could have him anytime I wanted, I bounced on my heels before hopping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist. I nuzzled against his collarbone and bit the sensitive skin, making him moan. He slid his hands over my ass and gripping me tighter against him.
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