My voice is just loud enough, I know he heard me because he gasps as I slam my laptop shut.
We are over…so, very, fucking over. I think of Carrie Bradshaw standing in an amazing set of wedge heels and a cropped denim jacket in the ER where she ends things with Mr. Big. “We are so over, we need a new word for over.”
Sums it up I think!
Fuck my life.
*
Shamus
I’m exhausted as I make my way out of the taxi cab that brought me to the airport. We are flying home for a four day break and then two more weeks until the end of the PR bullshit. Usually on home days I can’t get from the cab fast enough, let alone the entire flight I bounce my knee in the excitement of seeing Cassa. That’s not happening this time, though.
I’m trying to make sense of what happened last night and I can’t. I saw the pain on her face, saw the shock and the sadness before she slammed shut on me. I wish I could say I didn’t mean to threaten her, to say I would never leave her but I did mean it.
I don’t know what happens when I’m not home. I know that when we are together we are perfect and there are no complaints, but apart, she is frigid and cold and honestly, she’s a bitch… and Cass just ain't a bitch. She has never been able to pull it off, she’s to caring and full of life and love to be outright rude.
How the transformation happens though is a mystery. The minute I leave she becomes this person I don’t know, I can’t reach and it kills me that I can’t reassure her that she can talk to me.
I had hoped that without the physical attraction when we are together taking all thought from us that we would be forced to talk about the last few years and what went on and why we did what we did. I never could get her to even acknowledge we had a past because I was too busy watching my future change from love to hate in front of my eyes.
The guys are waiting for me at the terminal after I make my way through security and I can see the questions in their eyes. We always ride to the airport in a limo together but today I told them I needed to think. We were seriously like chicks at times, the way we were always in each other’s business. But that’s what family does; we carry our broken until they can stand again. Right now my family was pissed they weren’t carrying me and more pissed they didn’t know what was broken.
Chad and Noah were both on their phones, black duffel bags at their feet and sunglasses still on as they waited by Cal who was still half asleep and dressed in his workout clothes. They must have had a late night… it hits me then just how deep I’m in for it. We were supposed to hit Demon’s Pit last night as a final stop in Dallas. The DJ we interviewed with yesterday invited us to a party at the local rocker haven. I was supposed to meet up after talking to Cass but forgot after we broke up… if that’s what we were… fuck I didn’t even know.
I sling my duffel over one shoulder and my backpack over the other and make my way toward them. “Wow, nice to see you buddy.” I say to Cal with laughter because I know they are all hung over. I wish I was nursing a hangover and not my anger and pain cocktail.
“Fuck off douche.” He says, squinting his eyes like it hurt to talk, making me laugh even more.
“I take it the Demons Pit was fun?” I look to Noah and Chad who are both looking at me with a mixture of shock and condolence.
Ah, so news traveled fast.
Should have figured.
“Blast dude. Fuck it was packed with hot chicks in cowboy boots and short skirts. Damn, Texas knows how to breed EM’ sexy.”
I laugh, but it’s not heartfelt because I hear Noah say I just got there and that I look like shit. He says this looking at me and loud enough for me to hear, but Noah is anything but gentle.
I roll my eyes and take a seat beside Cal. “Where were you bro?” He asks and shifts to face me.
“Me and Sass got into it last night.” I rub my hand over my chin and along my cheek scratching against a days worth of growth. “Didn’t feel up to it.”
Cal is the only one who knows about the nonstop fights with Cass and though I’ll be forced to talk about it when the ‘sisters’ are off the phone, I decide to play it off.
“You ask her what her deal is yet?” He asks but his head is rolled back, eyes closed.
“Yeah, that’s what the fight was about.”
“More than a fight. You guys broke up, really?” This is Chad piping in and Noah is beside him. They both lift their sunglasses simultaneously and I can see the red eyes of a bad hangover on them both. Fuck how wild was it last night?
Now Cal is sitting up and looking at me with the same sad half drunk eyes as Noah and Chad. “What? You broke up?”
“I guess so since that’s what you girls heard and you probably know more than me.” I say this jokingly to Noah and Chad.
“Dude, I knew shit was bad, but I never thought you would break up.”
“Shit was bad?” Noah asks and I want to punch Cal right now.
I sigh and cup my hands over my face because emotion is bad enough when I’m alone in it… worse when these fuckers feel the need to talk it out. Give me others emotions and I can deal, but when it’s me, I’m no bueno. “It’s been strained.” I say pointedly and look for Cal who nods rolling his eyes. “But last night things kind of came to a head and… I didn’t know if it was a straight up break up… but now… I guess so… yeah.”
Luckily for me the announcer came over the speakers telling us our flight was now boarding. I only had maybe ten minutes before all the sisters started in on me. We were booked first class on this flight and we were booked in a four seater alcove in the front of the plane.
Family time was happening if I liked it or not.
By the time we took off and were relaxed, I sat waiting on someone to talk… and waiting… and waiting. This was not the sister’s style. I called them that, because at times like these, they were just like sisters. Although, the daily, “norm”, they were my brothers. This was how the brothers acted… not the sisters.
The anxiety of talking this shit through was driving me crazy and no way was I about to talk about it first. So there we sat looking at each other waiting for someone to start asking questions. An hour and a half into the flight Cal finally sighs. “What the fuck dude?”
We all start laughing because at least he broke the tension. After laughing, I sigh and shake my head no even though I don’t have an answer. “She’s just been so cold every time we talk. Finally, last night I told her if she slammed the laptop instead of answering my questions that we were done.” I lean back and again I’m shaking my head like that would fix this nightmare. “When she slammed it shut, she told me thanks for giving her a heads up this time or some shit like that.”
I know it was shitty what I did when I left, but I did it swearing to come back! I didn’t get married, I didn’t touch another woman. I focused on the job, practiced until I would pass out and stayed patient waiting for the day I came back to her. She got married not me. It didn’t matter that the marriage was an awful nightmare; she still moved on and did so quickly.
“That was a low blow. Have you guys talked about the first break up?” Chad asked.
“No. Every time I try to broach the subject she gets even colder. I was planning on making us sit and talk this trip home… but now?” I’m looking at Noah because he and Cassa had been close friends since Cory attempted to kill her. I never thought I would need to come to anyone for advice on Cassa, but this proves how distant we truly are.
“I don’t have any answers.” Noah states, but continues to look at me like I know the answer. I don’t know the answer so all I can do is stare back. Finally, he cracks though, and rolls his eyes. “Okay, so look. I don’t know if anything I say is even worth a shit, but I’ll try. I’m basing this off of what I told Carrie when she started dating GQ. We aren’t pimps, but we are in the pussy business. We sing about sex, drugs and rock and roll. We used to throw parties to get laid now we just tell them C’mon if we want them. This life isn’t for the weak and t
hat includes the women we love. Candey without a doubt keeps my bed warm and knows that this is business and I am working when I’m away. Carrie has Noelle to worry over these days, but she was always freaking out about the shit we did and the shit we saw. You and Cass were the strong ones back then… maybe now she’s insecure. Your famous dude, recognizable anywhere. Cass is all about the private and stepping away from the spotlight. She isn’t the same wild and free girl as she was back then.”
I cup my hands over my face and groan into them. “I hate not knowing what happened. I feel like if I knew her situation, why she did what she did… I don’t know. I’m looking for reason and logic through the mind of a psychopath. I can’t figure out why Cory hurt her so bad and I can’t help but feel responsible. I feel like she blames me for it too.”
“I asked Carrie for the details once. I am so glad that she never told me in length of what her life had been like.” Chad looks to Noah, whose eyes go dark, and looks to the ground shying from memories he would kill to forget. “Maybe you’re wanting something from her, she may never be able to give you.”
“Maybe.” I say and lean back to stare out the window. Cal is watching me, reminding me of the night he told me of how bad of shape Cassa was in after the attack. None of it matters though. She’s gone again and I can’t reason anymore.
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Sara Bareilles
Chapter Nineteen
Cassa
“So I can't help but think you have a serious misconception of the color pink.” This was Candey who was standing in front of three mirrors and on a platform at Extrav-a-gownza. The store was commissioned to make one of a kind dresses for all of us girls in Carrie’s bridal line. She had wanted us all in different shades of pink as well as different designed gowns. Candey was in a very darkpink. The chest was dazzled in jewels and sleeveless and short, flowing in sheer. She looked breathtaking, but the color was too far off of the other three dresses that Roni, Tayla and myself were wearing. This was an obvious Carrie moment. Though she loved fashion and all things girly, she had no direction in the matter and the almost red colored gown Candey was donning showed Carrie was in over her head.
“I told you to come with me when I looked at fabric samples. You were busy with my brother doing things I pray you never tell me about. I had to order that day. My wedding is in three weeks and with the guys and Tayla in and out of Washington so much right now, I was left to my own devices.” Carrie was obviously stressed, but I couldn’t help but laugh at her reasoning. The dress was a shade of red when all the others were obvious shades of bright pink. This was what we girls called a ‘Carrie.’
She turned her dagger eyes on me for laughing and shockingly so did Candey. “Don’t laugh little miss ‘my shoes match my belt, my belt matches my purse.’ Candey said and all eyes turned on me.
With a laugh, I can't hide I shake my head. “How the hell is this my fault? You’re the maid of honor. I’m a lowly bridesmaid here for abuse and to do her bidding when you can't be found.”
“Exactly.” Candey said and stepped off the podium, unable to look at the dress anymore. “I was busy. There were things going on that day that required all my attention.”
Candey had started explaining her and Noah’s sexcapades like this because Carrie was constantly begging them to keep things private. This was Candeys way of saying that she and Noah and the non stop mattress mambo were the things going on that day. “Why didn’t you call me then?” I ask Carrie, who rolls her eyes as she fingers the sheer fabric of the dress like she is trying to convince herself it’s the right shade of pink.
“Stop looking at it like it suddenly makes sense. It’s red babycakes and red isn’t pink.” I say this while grabbing her by the shoulders because she looks like she is about to cry. “We can find another dress Carrie. This store has an amazing selection and it’s not like Candey can't wear this dress some other time. It’s beautiful and totally her style. This isn’t a crisis, it just means we need to go shopping.” I smile at this because I am a pro at shopping… and fashion. I may feel a hint of guilt for knowing she was stressed and clearly doing a lot of the wedding plans alone.
“I wanted the dresses to be in your personal styles. I wanted them to be special.” Carrie said and bit her lip, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“Like I said, she can wear it to a number of events that the band has and we can find something that is one hundred percent Candey.”
“Yeah Hun, stop worrying over the dress. I love the dress, but I am certain I can find another I’ll love just as much.” She hugs Carrie and I can hear Carrie sigh and I know she has accepted that the dress is a no go.
“Just how much are you doing alone?” Tayla asks her later as we all sit down for lunch. They had all just finished ordering our lunch, salads for all because dress fittings are a bitch on the psyche.
Carrie sighs and sips from her water not looking at any of us. “I guess I'm stressed, but who isn’t? I stress over the money this wedding is costing, over the design. I have this vision in my head, but the vision has a hefty price and so I go a cheaper route and it’s all destroyed.” She looks at us girls and shrugs her shoulders. “I'm starting to think that eloping in Las Vegas would have been a better plan.”
This breaks my heart. Carrie has always had a vision in her mind and that vision is always clouded by her constantly trying to save money. I know that she and Noah ran with a suitcase each and a fifty dollar bill between them, but she was forgetting that she was marrying a very rich and a very devoted Chad Blake. Of all the times she tries to stay within her struggling author budget, now isn’t one of them. I have always respected how Carrie’s independence kept her taking care of Carrie. When Noelle was born, she added the baby in the budget and never once relies on Chad for a spending allowance. I know independence is huge to Carrie, I live in the same frame of mind. But this is her wedding and when it’s over her bank account will multiply by six figures. She should have a blow out and make this wedding all she deserves, all they deserve and not worry about the price. “Carrie why are you trying to save money here? I know you prefer to pay your own way and you’re never the splurge type, but this is your wedding Hun.”
A faint blush covers her cheeks and I seriously see how bad she wants extravagance but is settling for pretty. “Because I never want Chad to see me as frivolous.”
We all gasp and laugh sarcastically at that. Chad see’s her as anything but. What Chad see’s is Carrie and unless you have had love like that it’s impossible to understand what it means. Shamus see’s me and he always has, Cory didn’t and it’s impossible to love again after having loved like that.
“Carrie that is ridiculous.” Tayla tosses her napkin on the table in what looks like anger. “I know for certain Chad has added you to his account and I know for certain you pitched a fit about it. He then tried putting money in your account, money I suspect you haven’t touched.”
“I don’t want his money. Everything in Chad’s world these days is the best of everything. I know I can't give him a five star wedding on my budget but I feel like shit every time I try to splurge.”
“So give me the reins and I’ll spend his money.” Candey said with a wink. Of all the people to hand over control Candey would be the best bet because she knows Carrie inside and out.
“No.” Carrie says adamantly.
“Why honey?” Roni asks and gently rubs her arm.
I knew and I understood before she even gave her answer. “Because I lose that independence I fought blood and bone f
or the minute we get married and fall into the ‘what’s mine is yours what’s yours is mine’ thing.” She sighs. “What happened between you and Shame?” She looks at me and effectively has Candey and Roni now staring at me for answers.
Oh, that little brat.
I use my fork to move pieces of lettuce around my plate trying to form words. I decide crying is a better option, though because my eyes fill against my protest. I drop my fork and cup my hands over my face, unable to contain my sob.
Within seconds all four of them are surrounding me as I cry in the middle of Chilies. These women are what I need right now to get through this.
“Honey, don’t cry.” Roni says and strokes my back. Carrie and Candey are talking quietly and all I can hear is Carrie saying she is going to nut him the minute he gets off that plane.
I drop my hands and look at them. “No, don’t! God, he tried saving us I was the one destroying us, destroying him every chance I got.”
“What do you mean?” Carrie asks as Candey and Roni right themselves in their seats and Tayla hands me a tissue. I proceed to tell them everything from the night of Jerry’s wake and the mental nose dive I took and how it essentially destroyed any rationality I had.
“I want to ask him why he left me. I want answers so I can figure out how to get passed it.” I groan with frustration and lean back from the table, my appetite gone. “I know he wants answers too…” I look at them shyly because I fear even mentioning Cory. It’s like he has this voodoo pull over me as if I mention him and he will be back to finish his hatchet job on me. It’s why I don’t follow up with his parole board for his early release. I am a chicken shit victim who is waiting and ready to run far away the minute he is released. “I know he wants the details of so many fights and beatings and it’s not something I ever want him to know. So I don’t ask him for answers and it protects me from giving in to his need to know.”
Forgive Me Page 18