They laugh and Candey throws a chocolate at my head as we all laugh. I know this is my, “safest”, place to fall. I know here with my girls there is no fear or judgment and it hits me then how deeply I have hurt Roni. “I need to make things right with Roni first.” I say and they both get their phones out to get her over here.
There is no love like the love of girlfriends. I have no sisters to compare the bond to… but it has to be something like this.
*
Cassa
We make our way into the Aloha House and take in the ambiance of the old-school days. However, the line out the door of fans aware of TAT being in the house is completely new. After a tearful apology to Ron, the girls and I got ready for the night and with all my mother hens making sure I looked the part of awesome, we cut the line and gave our names to Ikaika, the owner, who knows us and loves the guys.
I am terrified at seeing Shamus after the fight last night and how things ended, but I remind myself that Shame and I have chemistry and it breaks down everything in our path to meet at the center.
What I wasn’t prepared for, was Shamus sitting at a table surrounded by empty beer bottles, and two fangirls. One on each arm.
“Oh look at that Right and Left are back!” Carrie snarls and cuts straight through a crowd of people to ream Shames ass.
*
Shamus
I see Cassa through the drunken haze, but I’m sidelined roughly, by one seriously pissed off Carrie Beckett, soon-to-be, Blake. “What the fuck are you doing with Right and Left,” Carrie asks loudly. I laugh uncontrollably at the old name sake she once had given some fangirls who were hanging on Chad.
“Right and Left,” I ask, my voice slurred and again start to laugh. “Right and Left,” don’t treat me like shit”! I look over my shoulder at the fangirls, whose names have either escaped me, or I didn’t care to ask…most likely the latter. “Isn’t that right, Right and Left?”
They make their way to my back side, their laughter annoying! longer interested in them, I roll my eyes and make a shooing motion that sends them on their way. Both grumbling about what a dick I am. I look to Carrie and shrug with no excuse.
Carrie sighs and shakes her head. “Shame, don’t do this.”
“Do what?” I ask with a chuckle. Now, big bad Chad, and nasty Noah, are watching me like I’m a serial killer…god, they are so annoying. Everyone is annoying…accept my Sassy. She’s perfect.
“Then why throw fangirls in her face if she is so perfect? And seriously, big bad Chad?” She laughs and I realize I spoke out loud. Maybe I should stop the drinking.
“Look, just back off Carrie. I know you women and the voodoo you spin on unsuspecting men. I won't take the blame for her bullshit the last three months. She wants to be mad at me she can tell me why or I can move on.”
“That’s why you think she is perfect and why you’re sitting here drunk off your ass laying it on to fangirls who are nothing but empty hopeless bitches that don’t give a fuck about you? That’s not moving on Shame.”
“Well… I’m gonna try,” I say, grabbing my beer. I know drunk is the only way I’ll get through seeing her.
“You’ll fail and lose her Shame. She is almost gone now and it’s by her own doing.” Carrie says and shakes her head no and I know her bodyguards are wanting to take her away from me. Fucking psychos, the both of them, when it comes to Carrie. In fact, I’m slightly offended that they want to pretend she is in danger with me.
Fuckers! I decide more drinking will solve the issue of “Carrie Beckett” patrol.
“I can’t fix her. I want to try, but everything I do pisses her off more.” My voice rises and now Noah and Chad are on each side of Carrie but I'm passed the point of caring. “I left. I know it. I fucked it all up and I get it, but I wanted to come back. I wanted to be here with her, but I couldn’t until I proved what I swore I would prove. Fuck him anyway, he died and left me behind like my mom…”
My words tumble out on their own because I don’t care about the crowd that has gathered to hear me blare out my own anger and pain. Cal comes up beside me and calmly taps my shoulder. “C’mon man not here.”
“Cal knows why I left. He was there when I bought the ring. Noah, you fucking know too, because I tossed that fucker as far off the bridge as my arm could throw. None of it matters. He’s dead. Cassa was almost killed. Mom died way long ago. You fuckers think I’m’a hurt Care and really, no one, gets it. rock stars hurt too man.”
Oh fuck my life, I know I’m gonna eat shit, for that one for years. I wish like fuck I had just handed over my man-card to Cal for safe keeping, grabbed my purse and tampons and made my way home to cry it out like the pussy I am.
But oh no…no I’m not that smart.
“I just wanted her to see that I could give her anything she would ever want. I never thought in a million that she would marry a psycho douche-bag… fuckin’ thought she was smarter than that.”
Aaaaand, with that, a gasp so loud it would forever be the loudest sound I will ever hear, came from the lips of my Sass.
“Sorry to disappoint you.” She says, her bottom lip quivering, I swear to God you could hear my heart break at the sight.
You would think that was enough to stop my drunken emotional tirade, but oh no… no I was going for blood.
“Don’t stand there and cry at me! Don’t you dare Cassa! I’ve bent to the point of breaking to bring you back to me and all I got from it was bullshit and pissing you off. I’m done kissing your ass, I told you that last night and I mean it still.”
I sit, and wait on pins and needles, because I know she is going to slap me, but what she does hurts worse.
“Fuck you, Shame” she says and walks out of the bar with her head held high.
I sit back and cringe, knowing fucking TMZ probably heard that shit.
Fucking well played douche-bag. Well played.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Kate Bush
Chapter Twenty Two
Cassa
I could hear Roni, Carrie, Candey and Tayla fast on my heels as I made my way out of the bar, a mantra of ‘I will not cry. I will NOT cry!’ on repeat through my mind.
“C’mon, C’mon.” I say as I feel my eyes start to burn. I am only maybe twenty feet from my car when the first tear spills over. God, I am a ball of anger, hurt and complete and utter confusion. By the time I’m at my car, my tears are falling freely, against my will. “God Dammit!” I cry as I try working the FOB.
“Cass!” I hear Roni yell as she breaks from the rest of the girls, her pregnant belly being supported by her hand as she runs in her flip flops toward me. Scared she will fall, I yell back.
“I’m fine, okay? I don’t need you running and your water breaking because I am a cry baby.” I laugh through my tears.
“Then wait a minute, will you!” She yells back now kind of hopping in a run as the pavement of the parking lot becomes loose gravel for additional parking.
Those fucking bitches, Right and Left, are probably parked front row, unlike me who came late and got stuck in the very back.
I look up to see Carrie, Candey and Tayla all running now too, in the same awkward and unbalanced jog as Roni and I start laughing hysterically in a way that only a group of girlfriends could laugh at each other.
It is then I realize they are exactly what I need right now.
“Will you please stop, all of you? You look ridiculous!” I yell as I watch them hobble their way over to me. All three were wearing some great stilettos, and walked on ankles that looked about to break.
We are all laughi
ng now as we get into my car. Roni takes my keys, saying, I am too upset to drive. We all laugh harder because we are in hysterics at this point. My heart is an open wound for sure, but right now I give the keys over, because I can’t stop laughing.
We are all still laughing as we make our way to the apartment I share with Candey. Various jokes are made at Ron’s expense, her race to my car, yelling and waving her arm, clearly not supporting her bump.
But as we make our way inside, I stand back watching Candey get out the liquor and shot glasses and Carrie bringing the chocolate out of my bedroom… I break down.
Within seconds they are holding me as I sob. Giant waves of sadness wrack my body as the last two days play out in hi-def. I am stronger with them around me and I know this, and so, I let it out. All the rage, all the fear and pain and shame over the last two years… and for the first time I feel all I have lost.
“Ron you were right what you said to me earlier.” I cry and bury my head in my hands.
“I know I was sweetie.” She says and she doesn’t mean it in any way to make me laugh. She wants me to face it all head on and see my strength. “Just let it out Cassa.” She says in her motherly soothing tone I have heard her use countless times on my nephews.
It has been so long since I felt my mother around me, but right then I know she is looking at Roni here with me and is so proud of the woman Mike chose.
“I didn’t deserve this life.” I say and I have never said those words out loud. Somehow or someway I had to have deserved this because I am not Jobe. I deserved growing old with Shamus Devin James. I was never meant to be Cassa Rae Stapleton-Noxx. More words tumble out as I cry. “I deserved to be a mom and he robbed me of that. I deserved to stand up the times I did.” I look at them bawling my eyes out and seeking reassurance. “I didn’t deserve to be beaten and degraded for knowing what he was doing to me was wrong.”
I watch as Candey turns her head, her eyes red and glistening. I know she is trying to not cry. Carrie and Roni are allowing their tears to fall. “No Cass you didn’t deserve it.” Candey says, her voice breaking at my pain, her tears now falling too.
“I should have told Shame about the baby. I should have gone after him and reminded him, he would always be mine. I was so lost though, and then Cory came and made me feel special.” I wipe at my face trying to force my tears to draw back, but they only fall harder. “I missed him so fiercely, with every fiber of my being and I never saw it coming. I was his, ya know? He called me Sassy and Baby and he held me like I mattered. Like I was so important to him he would die before he hurt me. I just wanted that back and I went looking for it in Cory.”
They say nothing, because I am not done freaking out, and they know it. “I was so safe with Shame and with Cory too, at first. But the minute I lost my baby, it all went away. Shame was gone, long gone, and our baby was too. My baby was all I had left of him and I would have loved it more than anything on this earth.” I clutch at my chest as if trying to hold my heart to keep it from hurting. My other hand folds across my empty womb and once again I feel the scars that remind me I will never hold a child of my own.
Ever.
“After that I just let the cards all fall. In my mind it didn’t matter that I had lied to Cory anymore, because I had paid dearly for it, time and time again. It didn’t matter when he hit me, kicked me, or told me I was worthless… I knew I was.”
“No. Not even Cass. You, never deserved what Cory did! I won’t sit here with you, broken and bleeding your emotions and have you tell me it was okay.” Candey gripped my chin and forced me to look at her. “Do you hear me? It wasn’t okay. None of it.”
Candey is so determined for me to believe and I know that I should. “I just want to rewind and do it different. I would chase Shamus down and tell him he couldn’t leave me. I would plead my case and tell him about our baby.”
“Then plead it now sweetie.” Noah was standing behind us, his arms folded over his chest. He looked intense and angry. “Shame is outside and determined to see you.”
I’m horrified, because he is the last person I want to see right now. I’m far too emotional and hurt to look at anyone, even Noah, right now. “No, I can’t. Sorry, Noah, but I can’t see him right now.”
Candey stands and goes over to him, wiping under her eyes as she go’s. “Babe I sent a text that I would call you later.”
He nods but looks past her to me. I could see the look of hurt on Candey’s face at his obvious dismissal of her and I didn’t want this touching them.
“So what? I'm supposed to go out there and tell him you won't talk to him? Side with you again and leave him completely fucked up again?”
Oh shit! Noah is pissed at me. Not good.
“Hey!” Candey snaps and Noah looks at her.
“What?” He yells back.
Oh fuck this is getting bad.
“She is in a bad place to Noah. Get off her ass!” Candey folds her arms over her chest and stands toe to toe with him, just as defiant.
“Well let’s draw a line in the fucking sand, then!” He yells and runs his hands through his messy blonde hair in frustration. “I’m leaving here and I’m going to Shame. I won't sit back and watch you let him walk willingly this time.” He says to me and points his finger. “I had your back, stood at your side in all of this. I know more about what you went through than your own family knows, so I know you can fucking talk to him. You just won't! I won't wreck this band and all it is to me Cassa. Not over this.”
If it were possible to feel any lower, I didn’t know.
“Jesus fuck, Noah. She said not right now!” Carrie roared and jumped from her chair, mad as hell that Noah couldn’t get it. “She doesn’t want to talk to him right now.” Her voice was calmer now as she looked at him, seeing something in his features that brought her anger to a halt. “Just let her breathe a minute Bubba. I promise she will talk to Shame, we will make her if we have to, but look at her Bubba.” She looks over at me and sees what has to be the saddest sight. “She can't right now, yeah? Trust me?”
Noah watches me for a minute and then looks to Carrie. “Yeah… yeah, trust.” He says and turns to Candey mumbling something only she can hear. Whatever it was softened her immediately and she folded her body into his, kissing his neck and soothing her hand down his back.
“I'll call you later.” He says and kisses her head before turning to me. “I’m sorry I broke up the crying and shit, but I mean it Cass. This shit has to stop. You’re like Yoko right now and we won’t stand for it. He deserves the whole truth, figure it out, or I will.”
Noah left with a quick nod at Ron and Carrie who were still somewhat shocked at Noah’s threat. I waited for the door to close and it’s Carrie who laughs. “Fucking jerk!”
I’m completely numb at this point and let myself fall into the chair by the couch. “No, he isn’t. He is right. I need to talk to Shame I know I do.”
“No, you need to talk to Shamus on your terms Cass, not on Noah’s. I get he is worried about Shamus but enough is enough.”
“Maybe you should get some rest Cass.” Roni says as she stands to start cleaning.
I nod and make my way to my room, I close and lock the door because I don’t want to be bothered anymore tonight. They all made good points in both our favors, but it was my choice to talk or let Noah do it for me. The coward in me wanted Noah to tell him all I had told him, but the woman I so desperately missed knew it was a cop out.
*
“So killer, right?” I ask, my voice hoarse from walking down the street yelling for Sassy to come out, come out, wherever you are.
Mike and the guys were following me as I climbed the monster hill to her apartment, staggering the whole way. Mike wasn’t saying much and I knew it was because he was torn between his loyalty to his sister and his best friend.
Noah was on my heels though, right along with me, laughing as I yelled into the night. He kept riling me with things like, “fuck yeah, get your girl” and laugh
ed after I would yell out for her. Chad and Cal were far more reserved though and tried to get me to stop and go home to bed. They wanted me to have a clear head when I saw Cassa, it was Noah who yelled at them. “Haven’t we protected her enough? Seriously? Shame has the right to get her talking, I say Van Morrison would be proud, this is like the song, Sweet Thing.”
That, had all of us laughing.
“At least he is quoting Van and not AIC.” I say with a hiccup and slap him on the back.
“Sheeeeeit! AIC has nothing on this twisted game between you and Cass.”
“It is twisted man,” I say as I drink from the bottle I carry buried in a crumpled brown bag…. then, I start yelling again.
By the time we are at the apartment, Cal and Chad are promising me more beer, but only if I stop yelling. “You are already white-girl wasted.” Cal says annoyed with me.
“Yeah, he is.” Chad says and grunts as I stagger and lean against him nearly taking him off balance.
“Shh. Less, lissen.” I say, swaying from side to side.
I stand there completely numb from the tip of my nose to the tip of my toes and I am so frustrated I can't hear shit. Finally, after an agonizing ten minutes, if that, Noah comes back out, his jovial mood now completely gone.
“Let’s go.” He says and starts walking the opposite direction of where we came.
“Where we going?” Cal yells and scoops through one of my arms and Chad scoops through the other.
“Candey called a cab, we gotta get to Shell down the road.” He says as he jogs across the street. We aren’t moving as fast as Noah because I can barely walk, let alone hold myself up.
“Thank God.” Both Chad and Cal say and I should be offended but I don’t know why. I eyeball Cassa’s apartment as we pass, calling out her name or a vague rendition of it but fail to get her attention.
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
Forgive Me Page 20