Allie thought of Carter’s brooding face. A little light seemed to leave the room.
‘He’s a mess,’ she said. ‘He shouted at me for coming back. Like I had an alternative. Like this was all my idea. And he’s just thin and … I don’t know. Sad. Not good.’
Rachel’s frown was thoughtful. ‘Dad mentioned something about Carter having a hard time because of what happened with Jules … and you.’
‘Me?’ Allie looked up at her in surprise. ‘What about me?’
The night before she and Rachel left the school they’d all fought Nathaniel’s guards together. Nothing that happened had been Carter’s fault. No one could have stopped it. No one except Nathaniel.
Rachel hesitated. ‘Something about how he didn’t protect you that last night with Nathaniel. And Jules got taken. Dad said he blames himself for everything. No one can get through to him.’
Allie was speechless. Suddenly it all made an awful kind of sense; she could see it all through Carter’s eyes.
Carter’s girlfriend, Jules, was taken from the school by Nathaniel because Carter got there too late. He couldn’t protect Allie during the fight with Gabe and Nathaniel because he was injured. So she ended up cut and bleeding. Then she disappeared.
She and Carter were so much alike. Like her, he had such a sense of responsibility about everything – and keeping everyone safe. He always seemed to think he had to save everyone. Of course he blamed himself right now. Super Carter let Jules down. Let Allie down. Let everyone down.
And I didn’t help, did I? she thought. I wasn’t here for him after everything happened. Instead I just jetted off with Rachel, leaving him alone with the fallout.
Guilt unfurled inside her chest.
‘Carter wouldn’t tell your dad everything,’ she said. ‘We should find out if there’s more to it. Maybe you could ask Lucas?’
As soon as she said the name, though, the mood in the room changed. Rachel tensed and looked away, drumming her fingers anxiously.
‘Look, there’s something I need to tell you about Lucas. I should have said it before but …’ Stopping, Rachel cleared her throat.
Allie frowned at her, puzzled. ‘What is it?’
‘I did a lot of thinking while we were away,’ Rachel said. ‘And I decided we weren’t right together, Lucas and me. We’re breaking up.’
Allie was blindsided.
She’d known Lucas and Rachel were having problems but she hadn’t realised it was so serious.
‘Is it Katie?’ she asked, her voice low and ominous. ‘If she cheated with him I’ll…’
‘No, Allie.’ Rachel cut her off. ‘Seriously. It’s me. Well, it’s us.’
She was still avoiding her eyes; Allie wished Rachel would just look at her. It was like she was hiding something.
‘What happened?’ Allie’s voice was so low she was almost whispering. The atmosphere in the room had grown heavy. ‘Don’t you like him any more?’
Rachel fidgeted with the blue blanket folded at the end of the bed. ‘I do like him. He’s a great guy, and he was my first real boyfriend but …’
She twisted the blanket harder.
‘I guess,’ she continued, ‘with him, I didn’t feel the way I thought I should. I didn’t miss him very much while we were gone. And I don’t think he missed me either.’ At last she met Allie’s gaze. ‘Sometimes you have to be away from someone to know you don’t want to be with them.’
Allie thought about how happy she’d been to see Sylvain that day in France. How much she’d missed Carter. For the first time it made sense that Rachel hadn’t stuck around to see Lucas after they’d returned to the school.
Still, there had to be more to it – Rachel’s nervousness was out of character.
‘Are you … super sad?’ She phrased her words cautiously.
The other girl shook her head. ‘No. Not like you were when you and Carter broke up. Mostly it feels weird. Like I’d got used to having him there and now he’s not.’ She waved a hand in the air next to her. ‘Like there should be a Lucas-shaped figure here and there isn’t. But I’m not crying.’
Not crying? How can she not be crying?
When Allie and Carter broke up she’d wondered sometimes if she would get through it. She couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep … The memory of how that had felt never left her.
So why was Rachel’s break-up pain free? It made no sense.
Unless …
‘Rachel, is there … you know, someone else …? Allie’s tone was cautious but Rachel’s cheeks flamed as if she’d shouted the words. She looked mortified.
‘God no. I mean … who could there be?’ she stammered. ‘That’s just … no.’
Allie kept her face blank but her mind was whirling. Rachel’s reaction was so weird. Something was definitely up. It must be another guy.
But why wouldn’t she tell her? It wasn’t like Rachel to keep secrets about dating. They told each other everything.
They’d spent all those months together but now that they were back at Cimmeria she could already feel a new distance between them. And she didn’t like it.
That evening, Allie and Rachel walked into the dining hall together. As they passed through the door, Rachel blew her breath out between her teeth in a hiss.
‘Blimey. This place is really … not very full.’
‘See?’ Allie was so relieved to have someone to share this all with she could have hugged her. ‘Isn’t it weird? And it’s not just empty, it’s like …’
‘Depressing.’ Rachel finished the thought for her.
‘Totally.’
They made their way across the subdued room to their usual table. Carter, Nicole and Zoe were already there.
‘Hey—’ Allie started but Nicole interrupted her.
‘Rachel!’ Jumping up from her seat, Nicole ran over to hug her. ‘It’s about time you came back.’
‘Hey, Rachel.’ Zoe waved from her seat then returned to eating a bread roll.
‘You have to sit next to me,’ Nicole insisted. ‘Allie has had enough of your time.’
‘You can have her,’ Allie said mildly. ‘I’m bored of her.’
‘Gosh, thanks, Allie,’ Rachel said, but she smiled.
Throughout all of this, Carter said nothing. He studied them all from beneath a lowered brow.
‘Hey, Carter.’ Rachel touched his shoulder as she walked by him.
‘Rachel.’ He said it politely but Allie could see how isolated he felt. Even surrounded by his closest friends he seemed somehow apart.
She was so deep in thought she didn’t notice at first that Sylvain had slipped into the chair next to her.
‘You look like you are planning something.’
Startled, she spun round in her chair to face him. ‘Hi!’
She’d spoken too loudly; the others turned to look at them curiously. Seeing this, Allie feigned cool. ‘I mean … how are you?’
She should have prepared for this moment but she hadn’t.
Now here she was with Sylvain and Carter in the same place at the same time and she didn’t know what to do. Last night she’d been kissing Sylvain pretty passionately. Carter couldn’t possibly know about that and for some reason she was glad he didn’t.
How do you handle this? Why are there no rules?
Sylvain arched one bemused eyebrow.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Thank you. And you?’
‘I’m good,’ she said, knowing her awkward tone belied her words.
Sylvain made no move to kiss her and she was grateful for that. But his vivid blue gaze swept the table and Allie knew he was looking for the reason for her odd behaviour. She also knew he’d find it.
When his eyes reached Carter, he went still. Allie could almost hear his mind work as he figured it all out.
Nervousness shot through her veins like caffeine. He and Carter had hated each other for so long, only putting their enmity aside a few months ago to fight Nathaniel. If they started fighting again …
> She couldn’t face that.
Her mouth had gone dry. She reached for her glass. Finding it empty, she looked around for the jug of water. It was near Carter’s elbow.
Defeated, she set the glass down again. She wouldn’t ask him. But Carter had seen what she wanted. With deliberate movements, he picked the jug up and handed across the table to her, holding her gaze. His eyes were as dark and limitless as a night sky.
‘Thanks,’ she said.
He didn’t reply. He just looked at her. And in that moment she realised he already knew everything. He knew she was with Sylvain. He’d missed nothing.
She never could fool him.
10
Ten
On Monday morning school, or what was left of it, began.
Just before eight, Allie walked into her history class to find the room, which normally held twenty students, eerily quiet. She chose her usual seat, conscious of the empty chairs in front of her but somehow unable to make herself sit any closer to the teacher’s podium.
A few minutes later, Sylvain’s hand brushed her shoulder as he passed and she smiled up at him, grateful not to be alone.
As he took the seat next to her, stretching his long legs out into the aisle, his posture appeared normal, relaxed. But she could sense his watchfulness just behind the easy expression. The teachers were their enemies now. Classrooms weren’t safe havens any more.
Four more students arrived before Carter, who entered the room at the last minute. She only caught a glimpse of his dark hair before he slid into a seat on the row behind her.
He’d been silent through the rest of dinner after that brief moment of connection. Since then he’d avoided her. Whenever she walked into a room, he left shortly thereafter. In groups, he stayed as far away from her as he could.
He didn’t seem angry. Just distant.
Zelazny walked in, followed by a guard who took a position just outside the door. For the first time since she’d returned to Cimmeria, Allie was glad to see a guard.
She cast a sideways glance at Sylvain. If he was reassured by the presence of the guard she couldn’t tell. His expression was inscrutable as the teacher stepped to the front of the room.
Zelazny’s small, pale blue eyes swept the sparsely populated room, lingering on Allie and Sylvain.
‘Welcome back,’ he barked with his usual gruffness. ‘I hope you’ve been keeping up with your studies. Everyone, open your books to page two hundred and twenty-seven …’
He acted just as she remembered. Blustery. Authoritarian. Writing words and dates on the whiteboard in the same spiky handwriting.
Allie scrutinised his every move. Could he have done it? Could he have helped kill Jo?
It didn’t seem possible. But one of them had done it.
She knew she shouldn’t but she let the memory of that night back into her thoughts: Jo lying on the ground, blood all around her. Arms at an odd angle. So strangely still.
All her muscles tensed and her breaths began to come quicker in short gasps. How could she just sit in this room? One of the teachers had opened the gate to let Jo’s killer reach her. Was it Zelazny? Could he have done that? Was she in a room with Jo’s killer right now?
She tried to imagine him slipping into Isabelle’s office, finding the remote that controlled the gate. Checking his watch. Then pushing the button.
As her thoughts whirled faster, her pulse sped too. Soon her heart was galloping unevenly in her chest.
She hadn’t had a panic attack in so long she’d forgotten how horrible it felt.
It felt like she was dying.
Zelazny was still writing on the boards as her chest closed in around her lungs.
All the air left the room. She couldn’t breathe.
Allie tried to stay calm. She had to learn to deal with this. Because she had to come back here tomorrow. And the day after that.
Closing her eyes to shut out everything, she tried to take a breath but nothing happened. Her lungs would not accept the air.
Her heart thudded so loudly now she imagined everyone in the room must hear it. Or see it through her shirt.
Terrified, she reached out a hand towards Sylvain.
As soon as he saw the look on her face he leapt from his seat and crouched beside her.
‘Allie? What is it?’
But she couldn’t speak. She was dying.
‘What’s happening?’ Zelazny barked, and it seemed to come from far away.
Through a darkening haze, she heard Carter’s voice. ‘Move.’
Shoving Sylvain aside, Carter took Allie by the shoulders, lifting her bodily from her chair.
Ignoring everyone else, he locked his eyes on hers. ‘Just breathe, Allie,’ he said quietly. ‘Remember how?’
But she didn’t remember. It was as if breathing had become the most complicated thing in the world. She tried to shake her head. Failed.
He turned to Sylvain. ‘We have to get her out of here.’
Later she couldn’t remember leaving the room. Just that suddenly she was in the hallway. She could hear voices – Zelazny calling after them, students murmuring disquietedly – but it all seemed far away.
The movement helped. Allie wheezed in a thread of oxygen. But not enough. Not nearly enough.
Someone was holding her up. Allie could hear other sounds in the distance but they didn’t matter.
‘Help her.’ Sylvain’s voice. Desperate. ‘I don’t know what to do.’
Then all she could see was Carter. His dark, troubled eyes like pools of deep water. His hands warm and familiar on her shoulders. Supporting her weight.
‘You can do this, Allie.’ The anger from the day before had gone from his voice. He sounded like old Carter again. Gentle and caring. ‘Think of something good. Something you like.’ He smoothed her hair away from her clammy face. ‘Just breathe.’
Seeing him like this – the way he used to be – made her catch her breath. With that tiny gasp her lungs released a little and she took a short breath.
‘That’s good,’ he said approvingly. ‘Try it again.’
Holding his gaze as if only he could make her breathe, she did it again.
‘That’s two breaths,’ he said, and she felt him relax a little. ‘You’re fine, Allie. You’re just fine. Keep breathing.’
Her heart still pounded so frantically she wondered how she could still be alive. But she was.
Gradually her lungs released and air returned to her body. The corridor swam back into view. Now she could see Zelazny in the doorway of the classroom watching her with a concerned frown, students crowded behind him. Jerry had come out of the science room and stood behind Carter and Sylvain, a guard at his shoulder.
‘Is she OK?’ the science teacher asked. ‘Take her pulse.’
Carter didn’t lift his gaze from hers. ‘She’s going to be fine.’
For the first time Allie was really conscious of how close he was standing. She was glad no one was taking her pulse just then.
As if he’d seen this in her eyes, he loosened his hold and stepped back, motioning for Sylvain to fill the space he’d left.
‘All right, you lot,’ Zelazny barked at the crowd of students. ‘Back in your seats.’
Reluctantly they returned to their lessons.
Down the hallway, Allie could hear the bangs of classroom doors closing. The show was over.
Looking pale, Sylvain slipped an arm around her. His worried blue eyes searched her face.
‘Do you feel better?’
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak yet. He pulled her into a warm hug. Through his shirt, she could feel his own racing heart – she knew she’d scared him. She’d scared herself.
Over his shoulder she saw Carter looking down at the floor.
Stepping up to Allie, Jerry pressed the back of his hand against her clammy forehead. He lifted her wrist and felt her pulse with his fingertips.
After a moment, he let go. ‘Would you stay with her, Sylvain?’ he said
. ‘Get her to drink some water. If she still feels ill, take her up to the infirmary.’
‘Of course,’ Sylvain said.
After the teachers walked to their classrooms, Sylvain turned to Carter. ‘Thank you, Carter.’
His tone was fervent but Allie wished she could stop him.
Don’t thank him for helping his ex-girlfriend, she thought. Don’t do that.
‘It was nothing,’ Carter said.
He headed back to the classroom without meeting Allie’s eyes, and she watched him go.
It wasn’t nothing, she thought.
Sylvain kept his arm around her as they walked down the quiet hallway to the kitchen where he poured a tall glass of water.
As she leaned against the counter sipping it, he stood across from her, watching her with caution, as if, she thought, she might catch fire.
‘It was seeing Zelazny,’ she said, although he hadn’t asked. ‘Thinking about Jo …’
‘I thought so.’ His tone was gentle. ‘You don’t have to explain.’
But she couldn’t seem to stop explaining.
‘Carter used to have panic attacks,’ she said. ‘He knows how to handle them.’
It was important that he shouldn’t misunderstand what had just happened – how Carter had pushed him out of the way. And leapt to help her when she needed him.
But even as she tried to explain how it didn’t matter, her mind kept replaying the scene as if it did. The way Carter hadn’t hesitated. How she’d thought she would die until he was there.
‘I need to learn how to help you, too,’ Sylvain said, interrupting her confused thoughts. ‘He might not always be so close when you … when this happens.’
She’d had the anxiety attacks ever since Christopher ran away. She hadn’t had one in months, though. Because of that, she’d allowed herself to believe she was done with them.
God, how she hated them. Hated the way her body betrayed her. The way it let everyone know she was afraid.
It had to stop.
Allie set her jaw. ‘I’m never doing it again. That was the last panic attack I’m ever having. I’m done.’
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