Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "And did you get in contact with your sister?"

  I nodded and looked down at my hands.

  "And what does she say? Or your father? He must know where you are, if the boy knows."

  I remained quiet as she pushed my hair back and cleaned up around my neck. What would I say? Even they thought perhaps that my father was the reason why Sean could find me.

  "I have never understood how a parent can turn their heart from their own flesh and blood," she whispered and placed her hand against my chin, tilting it up so that she could look down into my eyes.

  Fannie looked at me much as a doting mother would and I had to wonder why she and Jonah didn’t have more children running around, as was the Amish way. She seemed suited for having enough love for an entire town. She smiled and cleared her throat, nodding as if having made a private decision. She moved away and closed up her husband's bag. When she turned around once more, she was all determination.

  "Let us go and see what the girls have prepared for supper, my daughter. I am sure it will be something to remember," she said and held me around the shoulder as we walked down the hallway.

  We stepped into the kitchen, all eyes turning towards us when we entered. I caught sight of Nathan immediately, his hair a damp mess as if he had just cleaned up and tried to comb it with his fingers. He smiled in relief before glancing away to listen to Mark who was speaking softly to him from the table. Mark looked my way for a moment, pausing in his conversation, before turning back to Nathan, nudging Nathan slightly to draw his attention from me. Jonah nodded and offered his wife a knowing look before settling into his seat at the head of the table to watch his daughters busy themselves in the kitchen.

  I lingered in the doorway for only a second, weighing my next move. Did I sit, or did I help out with serving the meal? Feeling more comfortable with Emma and Fannie, I busied myself with pulling out the plates for the table. I could feel Nathan's eyes on me as I moved around the table, until finally Mark spoke up in his loud booming voice.

  "Have you heard nothing I have said, Nathan!" he exclaimed, causing me to jump and Nathan's head to jerk back towards Mark, his face bright red.

  Mark let out a chortling sort of laughter and shook his head. Jonah cleared his throat and looked at the boys as if to admonish them.

  "That will be enough of that, Mark. These two have been through enough today. We do not need to make them feel more uncomfortable," Jonah said, fighting a smile as I set his plate with shaking hands.

  I glanced at Nathan on my way back to the safety of the kitchen, and caught his soft smile as he regarded me. Not a look of fear. Not a feeling of the need to flee. Perhaps this would be easier than I thought. Judging by the way little Abigail hugged me and continued to smile at Nathan, I thought that maybe we would have some support in the family.

  Dinner was a quiet affair, even with Mark seated across from me. I was a little intimidated by Mark, if I was being honest. He watched me throughout supper, his playful eyes staring right through me. And as if I was not nervous enough by his attention, Nathan sat across from me as well and tried his best not to look up at me. Every time he did, his mouth would turn up slightly and he would quickly look away again.

  Hannah was the most talkative one of the bunch, which was most peculiar. She and Fannie spoke of the upcoming wedding. At mention of the wedding, Mark would shift in his seat and smile endearingly towards his future wife, who would pretend to scowl and ignore him. Emma was the only one who did not speak at all throughout the meal. I looked over at her a few times, but couldn't read her mood as she picked at her meal and kept her eyes on her plate.

  Maybe I had been knocked on the head a little harder than I thought. Everyone seemed a little off. Even Jonah seemed to smile more when he would catch Nathan looking my way.

  I must have suffered a concussion.

  The men ventured out to the porch while we cleaned up. I was setting the last plate into the cabinet when Fannie and Hannah, who had been chattering on about menus for the wedding reception grew quiet. I looked around to see why it was silent when I caught sight of Nathan from the doorway. He cleared his throat and held his hat a little tighter to his chest.

  "I wanted to wish you a pleasant night," he said to no one in particular, his eyes focused on the table rather than any of us.

  I glanced around the room, at Fannie smiling behind her hand as she held Abigail who was grinning and swaying, Hannah with her arched eyebrow, and Emma with her pout as she stared at Nathan.

  "Pleasant evening, Nathan," I said quietly, sounding more like a question than a statement.

  He lingered at the door a moment more, shifting his weight between his feet as if contemplating a hasty exit. I wasn't sure what else to say. I wanted to thank him for saving me, but I wanted to do that in private. Really I wanted to hug him and kiss him. But I didn't think that would was allowed.

  "Katherine, perhaps you could walk Nathan to the door," Fannie suggested, motioning to the back door that Nathan glanced at repeatedly.

  It was then that I realized what he was about. He was trying to get me to walk him out.

  "Okay," I murmured and walked stiffly towards the back door, feeling all eyes on us as he followed along behind me at a respectable pace.

  As soon as the door closed behind us, I felt him move in closer, the heat of his body radiating against me without touching me. I heard him swallow, his head so close to mine behind me. I made to turn around just as his hand tentatively brushed against mine, taking it gently into his own. I glanced back towards the door, the light from the kitchen bleeding through the door onto the dark porch as we stood there. Everyone seemed to understand our desire for privacy as they continued with the work inside, albeit with wide smiles on their faces.

  Nathan's gentle squeeze of my hand brought me back to look up at him. He was smiling timidly down at me; the corners of his eyes crinkling up a bit.

  "I would like to call on you tomorrow, if that is all right?" he asked quietly, his lips trembling slightly as he watched me.

  "I'd like that. But you're coming for breakfast, right?" I asked, wondering if his hunger strike was finally over.

  He laughed quietly and nodded.

  "Yes, I will come to break the fast, Kate. And after my chores, I would like to sit with you," he replied, his smile widening slightly.

  "Okay, is that how we start?" I asked, utterly clueless.

  He squeezed my hand again and laughed a little louder, glancing back towards the door for a moment before returning that intense gaze to me.

  "This is how we start, yes. So tomorrow, Kate. Finish your chores quickly, so that we might sit and talk for a while.”

  I nodded and watched as he slowly pulled away, indecision playing in his eyes for a split second before he leaned in and kissed me quickly, his lips searching mine for only an instant before drawing away. That brief touch was enough to make me breathless. He stepped away, his hands moving to his hair before he settled the hat on his head once more. He licked at his lips and nodded in thought, his smile turning tender as he regarded me from the first step down.

  "I am happy you are safe, Kate. I cannot think about what would have happened," he whispered, his eyes closing for a moment as if in pain.

  "You are the reason I’m safe, Nathan. Thank you for coming to find me," I replied, taking a step towards him.

  I wanted just one more touch. I reached out, placing my hand against the side of his cheek and smiled at the rough stubble there under my thumb. He closed his eyes at my touch and leaned in to my hand.

  "How did you know to find me?" I asked, suddenly curious about his timely rescue.

  He opened his eyes and sighed, taking another step back, off the porch and into the night.

  "I would have never thought that Hannah would admit it, but she was concerned for you. She came to me, demanding to know what I had done to upset you," he replied, shaking his head in wonder.

  "Hannah?"

  Inconceivable. Why was she c
oncerned about me?

  "Hannah cares more than you know. She is," he started, only to press his lips together and take another step back.

  "She is what?" I pressed, confused by her strange change in feelings.

  He shook his head and looked down at the dirt.

  "She is a loyal and fierce sister. And I have no place speaking of her without her knowing," he murmured and shuffled at the base of the stairs.

  He glanced towards the door and let out a soft breath. Reaching for my hand once more, he held it gently in his own and pulled me closer, nearly toppling me off the top stair. But his free hand steadied me as his lips brushed across my cheek for an instant before settling me back onto the top step, away from him.

  "I must leave. I do not want to. Promise me you will still be here tomorrow? So that we may talk?" he asked. His eyes held mine, a tender vulnerability that struck me hard.

  "Of course I will. I'm not leaving, Nathan," I whispered.

  His grin lit up his face and he released my hand, stepping backwards into the night.

  "That makes me happy, Kate. Until tomorrow then. Pleasant dreams," he said and walked backwards into the dark, his eyes vibrant in the glow of the light behind me.

  "Pleasant dreams, Nathan," I said softly after him, watching him as he offered me one last flashing smile before turning towards his hill. The moonlight made his shirt shine in the closing night, and as always, I was sad to see his back walk away from me.

  It was a small consolation that he walked a little lighter.

  It was still away from me.

  I didn't notice the smiles as I walked back inside; I was in my own little world. I could still feel Nathan's lips against my cheek, the stubble around his lips scratching my skin like electricity. And his hand's warmth still radiated in my own. Seeing him leave made me miss him more, and made me question just how plausible this relationship could be. I barely registered Jonah's call for bed, or the gentle touch on my shoulder from Hannah and Fannie as I made my way up stairs.

  It wasn’t until I was slipping into the bed with Emma that I was pulled out of my Nathan induced trance and into the conflicted eyes of my friend.

  "I am so upset with you!" she whispered harshly.

  My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to ask her for what, but she beat me to it as her thoughts tumbled out of her head.

  "You left! Not a word! You simply left! I came back to find the house empty, Hannah gone, your dress neatly folded here. Not a note to explain! Not a goodbye! You left us!" she whimpered, her voice cracking at the last and I could see the tears reflected in her eyes.

  I pulled her close, holding her as she fought to pull away until she relinquished and hugged me tight.

  "I'm sorry, Emma! Truly I am. I didn't mean to hurt you. I ran. I didn't think. I just felt like I wasn't wanted. I was afraid," I whispered into her ear, every excuse sounding lamer as I uttered them.

  How was it I could hurt so many nice people?

  She pulled away and looked me sternly in the eye.

  "You cannot do that again! I told you, you have something to do here. You are my friend. You are my sister. Do not leave us like that again, Katherine. I was so upset," she said, shaking her head.

  "I promise I won't leave like that again. I'm sorry, Emma. It was just a lot to take in today," I mumbled and settled back into the bed, my head beginning to hurt.

  "We forgive very easily, Katherine. I am still a little upset, but more for what has happened and could have been avoided had you simply stayed here. You scared us. You terrified Nathan," she replied, lying down next to me, her head close to mine.

  "I'm sure I did," I mumbled.

  “He was beside himself when he came to see that you had truly left. I have only seen him that upset once before, Katherine. It is not something I wish to see again.”

  “I’m sorry, Emma,” I replied. “I don’t want to hurt him like that, believe me.”

  "So then why did you run away?" she asked and then lowered her voice and glancing back at Abigail who was sound asleep before she continued. "Did he kiss you?"

  I fidgeted with the sheet that covered us. It was embarrassing to have to explain.

  "Um, no," I whispered, pausing before I confessed to Emma. "I kissed him."

  Her eyes widened as if in shock, before she burst into laughter. Laughter that was loud enough to cause her to cover her mouth with her pillow when we heard the bed creak in the next room. I glanced at the door; sure that Jonah would come banging to tell us to settle down. The bed creaked again and then fell silent, Emma's laughter muffled in the pillow. I waited awkwardly until she pulled herself together and let out a few calming breaths.

  I had no idea my kissing Nathan would be so hilarious.

  "I am sorry," Emma wheezed, fanning her face until she could speak. "It is just, I am sure you are his first. He must have been alarmed when you kissed him!"

  “You kissed Nathan?” Abigail squealed from her bed.

  “Shhh!” Emma hissed, throwing her pillow at Abigail who simply caught it and threw it back, sticking out her tongue at us for not being included in the gossip. Emma sighed and motioned Abigail to join us, which she did so with a flourish by leaping into our bed and snuggling in between us, all smiles.

  "Did he not like it? He must have. He could not stop staring at you tonight," Abigail whispered, her innocent smile widening when she noticed me squirm uncomfortably.

  "I just surprised him, that's all," I admitted, trying to keep the conversation clean for her sake. But I frowned at the memory of him fleeing towards his house. It was an extreme reaction to a first kiss.

  When he had kissed me tonight it was much better, even if just a peck on the lips. Such a simple thing, maybe I had been too brazen. I was sure the Amish didn't believe in having the girl make the advances.

  "I think maybe I was too forward with him," I muttered and ground my head into the pillow, hoping to alleviate the pain that was starting to throb there.

  Emma chuckled softly and shook her head at me.

  "I am sure anything you did to Nathan would have been too much for him, Katherine. He is not used to girls. He never spent his free time searching out a girl. His sister and I used to make fun of him for being so shy," she said and then hummed sadly as she thought of Nathan's dead sister.

  "You were close to his sister?" I asked softly.

  She nodded and let out a soft breath.

  "Rachel was my best friend. She and I did everything together. And she and Nathan were very close. Nathan is like a big brother to me in many ways," she whispered.

  "Aren't you mad that I kissed him, then?" I asked, perplexed.

  She giggled and shook her head.

  "No, of course not, Katherine! I want him to be happy. And you make him so. It has been a long time," she said, her voice growing soft, as she seemed to reflect on the evening.

  “He smiles now when you are near,” Abigail murmured, sighing as her eyes grew heavy.

  “He most certainly does,” Emma said and leaned in to kiss her little sister on the top of her head.

  We were quiet for a moment to let Abigail fall asleep before Emma spoke again, her voice a whisper.

  "It must have been a relief to see him when you did in town?"

  "I was afraid he'd get hurt. Sean doesn't take competition well," I replied, remembering how he had threatened the boys at home just for talking to me.

  "Were you afraid when you saw Sean?"

  “Yes,” I whispered and closed my eyes.

  "Is this how he hurt you before?" she asked and touched my head tentatively.

  I shook my head and touched the lump there. This was mild.

  "It is not over, you understand," she said, forcing my eyes to open in a panic. She shook her head and offered me a gentle smile.

  "I heard Father speaking with Nathan and Mark about it before you came down. Nathan fears he will search you out. Mark agrees. Jonah intends to speak with the Elders about it in the morning. Your English may tr
y to bring the law here. They will want to know you are not being held against your will, Katherine," she explained.

  "Of course I'm not!" I rebuffed, shaking my head at how much of an idiot I was.

  I should have suspected this. Now I was endangering the Bergers, and maybe the entire community. How would I ever be allowed to fit in if I caused trouble? When would I be able to stop hiding?

  "Do not worry, Katherine," she murmured. "Father may be old-fashioned in his ways. But we will protect you. Nathan will protect you. I know it."

  "I don't want any of you to get hurt," I argued, but Emma's soft laughter stopped me short.

  "We do not fight, Katherine. But we take care of those we care about. We will find a way," she replied and settled in to the bed a little deeper.

  I slid down under the blanket, hugging Abigail close to me after Emma blew out the candle, the moonlight the only light in the room. I could see the shine of Emma’s eyes as she regarded me.

  "If you want this to be your home, Katherine, if you want a life with Nathan, we will help you. I will help you with our ways. It will not be easy. There are many who would deny you. But you have a good heart and Nathan cares for you. We will help you if that is what you want," she said in the darkness.

  "I want to try," I whispered and felt her hand squeeze mine under the cover.

  "Then it is settled. I will help you with Nathan. And you will be my sister," she sighed and closed her eyes contentedly.

  I smiled at how simply she had forgiven me. She was truly a good friend.

  "And I will help you with John," I whispered back, grinning when I saw her eyes fly open in surprise.

  I closed my eyes, smiling at the fact that perhaps I had something to offer this family for once. I'd see my friend back with her true love. And I'd make Nathan smile again tomorrow.

  Because his smile meant a good deal more to me now.

  Chapter 12

  My head hurt when I woke up before the dawn. It throbbed like I had cracked it wide open. My body felt like a train had struck it. My wrists hurt when I moved them. But I sucked it up and got out of bed.