Nathan reassured me every night that I would be safe.
God would protect me.
My epiphany came as I was gardening with Abigail and Emma late on Thursday. Looking around at what the Bergers had, I realized how much I wanted that as well. I wanted a house, with a garden just like theirs. I wanted a man, who cared for me just as much as Jonah cared for Fannie.
Or John to Emma.
Hannah to Mark.
Nathan to me.
It was right here.
Everything we did was a gift. In my old life we took it all for granted. In this world it was accomplished with thanks to God and honest hard work. I smiled over at Emma as she stretched and grabbed the last of the string beans on the vine.
"I can't wait to cook these," I said, grinning at the idea of cooking what I had gathered today.
Abigail and Emma both laughed at me.
"You are excited about cooking beans, Katherine? I think the heat has gotten to you finally!" Emma replied and hoisted the basket onto her hip, full of vegetables.
I shrugged and remained quiet. Of course maybe she didn't understand. It had always been that way for her. But for me it was a new start.
A new life.
I felt like I fit in, finally.
I felt accomplished. And that was more than I had felt ever in my life. I closed my eyes for a moment, turning my face up to the afternoon sun. The warmth was welcome, regardless of the heat of the day. I felt touched.
By God? I didn't know. But I felt blessed.
I would pray to whoever that made me feel like this.
"Katherine?"
I opened my eyes and turned to Emma, who smiled softly.
"Just offering a bit of thanks," I replied and picked up my basket to walk beside her towards the house as Abigail rushed inside. Fannie stepped out and gathered up my basket, nodding towards the barn.
"I will take this, Katherine. Will you gather up the eggs for me? There were so few this morning when Abigail checked. So many things to do now that Hannah is gone to stay with the Bowmans," she said, her voice catching a bit as it did regularly now since Hannah had left with her husband.
I touched her arm to soothe her and nodded.
"Of course, Fannie. I’m happy to," I said enjoying her brilliant smile.
"Thank you, daughter," she whispered and turned back into the house, leaving me to make my way towards the barn.
I smiled into the sun again as I walked, smelling the air and sighing at the quiet. I could hear everything. I could smell everything. I could hear the birdsong in the trees that rustled in the afternoon breeze. I could smell the horses, could smell the hay and grain as I passed the open barn door. I heard the crunch of hooves as the horses stamped and nickered as I passed.
Every sense was tuned in to the world around me.
I was alive here.
The sun blazed in my eyes and I welcomed it as I stepped up the ramp to the chicken coop, their chattering getting louder as I stepped close.
"Don't give me any trouble you noisy birds. I'm taking your eggs whether you like it or not," I admonished the squawky chickens.
They seemed more skittish than usual, perhaps because we had waited so long before taking their eggs from them. I grabbed the eggs quickly; their beaks leaping at me and then retreating like the chickens that they were. They startled me when I went to reach in again and they all burst into a flurry of feathers and angry voices.
I didn't have time to react.
Because I was shoved roughly into the wire with my hand still in the cage, the other releasing the basket of collected eggs on the instinct to defend myself. Eggs tumbled out over the basket, breaking and spilling at my feet.
I made to cry out, but a large hand covered my mouth with an iron grip.
I knew instantly. I could feel, could smell, and could sense everything in that second.
Aftershave, hot meaty hands, the harsh breath that wafted over my neck.
"Found you."
I struggled in his tight grip, feeling the wire from the chicken coop pinching my cheek. My eyes were wide, trying to process.
Trying to find an escape.
Sean had found me.
"Going domestic, Kate? Funny, this wasn't what I imagined it would be like," he said and shoved me harder into the cage, the small building shuddering under his weight against me.
My free hand flailed beside me, at the wrong angle to grab at anything as he pinned me hard. His mouth drew close to my ear, laughing low.
"Do you have any idea how obstinate these people are, Kate? It took me going from house to house asking about you and still they didn't say anything. Well, except a pretty little red head. She seemed more than happy to tell me things, she and her boyfriend," he hissed, slipping his hand down my back until it palmed me roughly along my hip.
I shook my head and whimpered through his hand, trying to see him as he pushed against me.
"They seemed perfectly happy to help me find you. They don't like you so much here, Kate. You're an outsider. You don't belong here. You belong with me," he growled and dragged me back, his wandering hand suddenly wrapped around my waist, tugging me back as he retreated from the chicken coop.
I struggled in his grasp, feeling my feet leave the ground as he pulled me close against him, jerking me towards the near field. I knew as soon as we were in it, I would be lost. I kicked, grabbing at his thick arm that was clamped over my chest, desperate to get his hand from my mouth.
To bite, to scream, to do anything but get lost in the corn.
I scratched him along the arms, feeling the skin give, but he held firm, even when I broke the skin of his forearms with my nails.
"Knock it off, Kate, or I swear!" he grated, and hoisted me a little higher off the ground.
Airborne, I was high enough to kick him hard on the inside of the knee to cause him to stumble. His grip weakened around me as he faltered, his hand slipped from my mouth just enough and I screamed with every ounce of energy that I had. I could hear it echo off the house and the barn before his hands returned, my teeth digging in between his thumb and finger before silencing me.
Just one scream.
And the angry rustling corn was so close.
I tried to dig my heels into the dirt, but he pulled me up again, carrying me. I tried to trip him, tangling my legs in his to cause him to fall. But he remained clear of my meddling. I needed to do something; mere feet to the corn and I would be gone forever. I fought as best I could against him, kicking, scratching, anything.
We were steps from the corn.
"Katherine!"
Sean whirled around, flinging me with him like a ragdoll in his arms, to see who had called out. I saw Fannie on the porch, her hands to her mouth and her eyes wide. Abigail was leaping from the steps, running with amazing speed towards us.
"Abigail! No!" Fannie shouted and vaulted after her, much slower. Emma passed by her as well, catching up to Abigail and grabbing at her to slow her down.
Sean moved his hand to my neck, clamping hard as Emma and Abigail approached, Emma’s skirt pooling around her legs as she stopped hard, realizing quickly what Sean intended. She clutched at Abigail who fought in her arms. Sean’s grip squeezed harder, the air gone as he cut it off from my lungs. I was left flailing in his grip, choking and scratching desperately as I watched through watery eyes Abigail and Emma’s helpless expressions.
"Please! Let her go! You are hurting her!" Abigail entreated, her hands clasped before her in a desperate plea and still struggling with Emma.
"I'll snap her neck! Don't come closer," he grated, twisting my neck to the side a bit as if to prove his intent.
I was gagging, the pressure was too much. My eyes were losing focus. Had to get free.
Away from him.
Had to. Run.
"Please, just let her go! It does not have to be this way!" I heard. I was losing focus but I knew it was Fannie.
"I'll kill her if you follow us. I mean it. I'll kill her!"
"No please! Do not take her! Please! NO!"
The voices were growing faint, and there was a new noise, the angry rustling of the corn all around me. Suddenly the air rushed back in and I was thrown hard over his shoulder.
"Bring back my daughter! Please!"
I tried to struggle again, to get back to the voice, but the grip around me was solid. I could make out green and brown of the corn as it whipped past me, as I tried to right myself. Light and darkness flitted across my vision, but the darkness seemed more oppressive now in his grip.
A sudden drop and I felt the bite of the pavement on my palms. I lay there gasping for a second before I heard a car door open and his hand grabbed me by the hair, ripping the prayer cover off in the process. I struggled again, seeing my terrified reflection in the window as he tried to shove me in the car. I threw my hands out, bracing against the frame of the car door.
"No!" I gasped, my throat searing at the pain of being practically crushed moments before.
"Damn it, Kate! Get in the fucking car!" he screamed and grabbed at me a little harder, I could feel his knee in my back shoving me roughly.
I slipped free and whirled around, tripping over myself as I tried to keep my head from spinning. Hearing fabric rip I was pulled back against hot steel that burned my shoulder where my dress must have torn.
"No!"
I had to get away.
Back to Nathan.
I tried to push away.
"Damn it Kate! Stop being so difficult!"
"No!"
Claws out I scratched against his jaw. I watched in horror as the switch went off in his head. His eyes blazed. Jekyll to Hyde. Man to beast in an instant.
And then the all-familiar crack.
My head spun, the pain shot through my jaw and into my skull. I fought to keep my eyes from losing focus.
No. Fight. Get away. Run. Must run.
"No," I gasped and reached out with fists to hit whatever I could.
"Stupid whore, get in the car!"
Another crack, this time my temple roared.
"No!" I cried out hoarsely, waving at the blurry vision in front of me, pushing away.
Corn. Back into the corn. Back to…
"Get in the car!"
Crack.
I felt my knees jar against the road.
Dizzy.
My lips tasted like iron.
"No," I croaked and grabbed at fabric, trying to pull it down with me.
But I was losing focus. Spinning. Trying to crawl.
Crack.
I couldn't tell you where it hurt.
Because blackness finally took me away.
Away from everything.
Life. Love. Happiness.
The last thing I remember was the acrid scent of motor oil and car vinyl. Smells that were foreign to me and yet so familiar.
And absolutely terrifying.
Chapter 26
I was drifting, my body leaden and unable to move. I couldn't open my eyes; the throbbing in my head was too unbearable.
But I could feel.
I could feel something soft under me. My cheek rested on fabric, and the room was cold. My temple felt numb, as did my cheek and a chill dampness leaked down my neck causing me to shudder. I felt the cold move slightly, confused how the cold would migrate lower towards my jaw. I tried to open my eyes to figure it out. But no matter what, my brain didn't want my eyes to open. So I lay there and listened as my body woke up from a blackness I wished I could return to.
Smell came next.
Bleach and bad fabric softener, maybe cheap soap invaded my nostrils, making them burn. I tried to place where I was, the smells unfamiliar to where I had been the last few weeks. It didn't smell like my old house.
Not the Bergers.
Sean.
Fannie. Emma.
Little Abigail wailing.
Gone.
Everything came back to me in a rush.
How long had I been gone?
Was anyone looking for me?
Where was Nathan?
Nathan. Oh God, Nathan.
"Why would you say that, Kate? After everything I’ve done for you? Why would you say his name?"
I shivered at the sound of Sean's voice, just behind my ear as he moved the cold from my jaw line. I tried to move but his hands came around and held me close, the heat of him oppressive in the cold room.
"Why can't you see I love you? You are all I want, Kate. I'll do anything for you, and yet you run from me to him. Did you think you'd just go off and be a little farmwife for your farm boy? When you know you are mine?" he whispered into my ear.
"Sean," I croaked, my throat ruined from his squeezing. I coughed and winced at the pain it caused.
"You made me do it, Kate. You make me so angry sometimes. You think I like punishing you? Do you think I like having to hunt you down? Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why can't you be the good girl with me? I want you to be a good girl," he groaned and moved in closer, his body lining up against my back.
I jerked, trying to get away, but his hands held me tighter, moving to my hip to hold me to him. I tried to open my eyes. I could manage to only crack open one, but everything was blurry. The light pierced my eye and I clenched it shut again at the pain. I heard a noise in the room, and realized it was my damaged voice.
Broken whimpers as he touched me along my waist, moving up.
"Shhh, baby. Just relax. I want to show you I can be good for you. I helped you, Kate. I took care of you. The swelling has gone down. I can take care of you. I can be everything you need. Please Kate, I can show you I am better than he is," he whispered hoarsely into my ear, his mouth capturing it roughly.
I shuddered and tried to pull away again.
"No," I gasped.
"I want to show you," he murmured, his hand moving up over my dress trying to undo the closures at my breast. I felt his lips along my throat, sucking hard on the skin there.
I struggled to open my eyes again, to move, to flee but my body was useless. It hurt to move, it hurt to defend. I managed to strike out, my fists landing on hot fabric against steel. His hands grabbed at mine, shoving them over my head.
"I'm better for you. I'm better than he is," he growled and moved in closer, twisting my body so that I was forced onto my stomach.
I felt his hands at my ankles, tugging on them. My body reacted on instinct, pain be damned. I was in survival mode. I flinched, my legs pulling in close and my back tensing in understanding to what he planned.
"Hold still," he hissed and pushed the skirt up my legs past my thighs.
"No, please, Sean," I whimpered and struggled to roll away.
"Hold still!" he said again, forceful as his hands gripped my hips hard, holding me in place.
"No. No, no, please no," I whimpered, shaking and struggling again.
I felt his hand in my hair, tugging me back to him. The other was moving behind me, and I jerked away as best I could when I felt him move behind me. My hair burned on my scalp as he gripped me, as I struggled under him, while his hand squeezed the fleshy part of my hip and grabbed a fistful of fabric there.
"No!"
I was desperate now, my arm swinging back to hit him. At the angle he had me trapped, I could only hit the air. He pressed my face into the pillows, the pressure making me cry out in pain.
"I love you so much, Kate. Let me do this. I'm better than he is. I know I’m better," he growled and clawed at my dress, the cotton straining to yield in his grip.
"Please, Sean. Stop! Please, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to run! I'm sorry! I'll be good! I promise! Please just don't!" I babbled, anything that would stop him.
"I'm tired of you running away, Kate. This ends here. You're mine, not that farm boy’s. I’ll make sure you’re mine for good," he hissed and I heard the fabric ripping.
I felt it cutting into me as the dress tried in vain to remain together. Hannah’s stitches were strong, but Sean was proving to be stronger. Alway
s stronger. I let out one last whimper and went limp, lifeless under his hands. There was no fighting it. This would happen. I had no power. I never had. Sean proved that time and time again.
“Please, no. No, no. Not like this. God, help me. Please," I sobbed brokenly.
The best I could hope for was darkness and I wouldn't feel it. But my senses were overly alert. I could not see, but I could feel. I could hear. I could smell.
The air was cold. My skin trembled from it. The tears on my face felt icy on my hot face. His hands were scorching as they paused over my limp body, his body slumping away somewhere behind me. His breath was ragged. Mine rattled in my lungs as I sobbed through my damaged throat. The cheap fabric softener was over sweet in my nose where it was buried deep in the bedspread.
And then his choked words.
"Why…Why can't you love me?"
And then I was alone. He was off the bed with a whimper. I heard the door open, felt the warm night breeze in the artificial air before it was shut out to me. And then it was quiet. He had left me there, half dressed in the darkness of a strange place. I gripped the bedding under me, trying to move, to get up. But my body was useless. I had hardly any strength to move.
To flee. To escape. I was broken.
All I could do was manage to slip off the bed, my body shivering on the cold hard carpeting of the room I lay trapped in.
I let the quiet envelope me, the darkness following.
He'd come back, I knew. Would he try again? Would he succeed then? I just wanted the darkness. I didn't want to be awake for that.
Dear God, please. Just let me stay in the dark.
Please. End this.
I'm sorry, Nathan. I don't have the strength to fight.
Please God. End this.
Chapter 27
I could feel the heat of the sun on me, and the air was hot as it blew past me. And there was music. How long had it been since I heard music? I tried to swallow and open my eyes, but the sunlight hurt when I tried to open them. I moved to shade them, feeling the tremendous ache in my joints as I moved.
Healing Faith Page 28