Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "Are you all right?" he asked, following me as I pushed past the front door to outside.

  "I think we should see a little of town. Get out one last night before we leave," I suggested and started the engine as soon as he closed his door.

  "Are you sure?" he asked.

  I nodded and pulled out onto the road, towards Arcata.

  "I said what I needed to. I can move on. It’s too late to leave today so we’ll enjoy what we can before we head back to Iowa," I replied and let out a long breath when McKinleyville faded away behind us.

  Nathan let me have my silence for a while, and took in the coast as it passed on the side of the road. His soft chuckle brought me out of my numb haze.

  "I did not think you would forgive him in quite that way," he said, looking over at me finally.

  "What do you mean?" I asked nervously.

  The last thing I wanted was to have to do it again, in some acceptable fashion.

  "I mean that you were direct and strong. There is nothing you cannot do, Kate."

  I shook my head and looked back out on the road.

  "There are a lot of things I can't do, Nathan," I whispered.

  "I do not think so, Kate. It is what I admire about you. You are stronger than you think you are," he replied and held my hand a little tighter.

  I couldn't deny that I felt a little stronger since meeting he and the Bergers.

  Perhaps he saw more than I did.

  Perhaps he made me so.

  “Do you not feel healed from your proclamations to your father?” he asked.

  I thought about it and nodded. I did feel better in a strange way.

  “Faith has a way of healing many things,” he said and looked off towards the ocean once more. “I was healed by your presence when you came to live with the Bergers. You healed my faith in finding a purpose. I have faith you will find yourself healed of much when we leave here.”

  “So do I,” I replied and looked ahead of what was to come.

  It really was a good day to start anew.

  Chapter 33

  It was early afternoon arriving into Arcata and we were starved.

  Nathan stood beside his door and took in the bay, awe written across his face.

  "It is so immense," he breathed.

  "Have you never been to the ocean, Nathan?" I asked, surprised.

  He shook his head and continued to stare out over the water.

  Suddenly there were so many more things to do with him before we went home.

  "Let's get something to eat, and we'll take it to go. I have someplace you should see," I said and tugged him up the main street. When we neared an electronics store, I felt Nathan slow as he looked at all the gadgets flashing in the window, I couldn't help but to laugh.

  "You want to go in and look around?" I suggested.

  "Are you trying to show me everything before we leave, Kate?" he mused, his eyes twinkling.

  "Yes I am," I quipped, squeezing his hand a little harder. "To show you it's not all booze and loud music. And to see some of what I enjoyed but am willing to walk away from."

  He chuckled and took my hand in his, glancing back at the store as we continued.

  “There are so many distractions in your world. I find it difficult to concentrate on what matters most,” he said with a smile and leaned in to kiss me.

  When we pulled apart, he started moving again, allowing me to lead the way down the street. He looked again and again at the window displays as we passed, but never seemed to need to linger long. He had seen most of what we had whenever he went to town for supplies, but now that he could spend time investigating it without fear of judgment, he simply chose to walk away.

  We walked into the local deli, ordering up sandwiches and drinks before climbing back into the car and heading along the coast.

  Nathan kept his eyes on the water, enchanted by the rolling waves as they crashed along the rocks. The coast on the north side of town didn't offer as much beach, but I knew of a part of south bay that would allow us a lovely view of the sunset on a sliver of private beach few knew about. It would be perfect and judging by Nathan's bright face, I knew he would enjoy it. How often would he get to see the ocean in Iowa?

  Pulling off the road, I parked the car and had Nathan gather up the food and drinks. I grabbed the blanket behind the seat and took his hand, walking us down a narrow path leading to the beach.

  "What are we doing here?" he asked as we wound our way down to the roaring sound of the ocean.

  I nodded towards the sun as it started its descent.

  "Have you ever watched the sun set over the water before, Nathan?" I asked just as we made it to the soft sand. Barely a hundred feet beyond us, the waves crashed along the beach.

  He looked out over the bay again and his mouth opened in amazement. I felt his arm wrap around me, pulling me close so that his lips brushed against mine. My hand moved up to cup his cheek, the whiskers tickling my palm enough to make me giggle.

  "What?" he murmured against my lips.

  "Your whiskers tickle," I giggled and squirmed when he rubbed his cheek against mine.

  "I have not been able to shave. Does it bother you?" he murmured and kissed my jaw, sending a shiver through me at the dichotomy of his soft lips and rough beard.

  "No," I whispered and tugged him closer, nearly toppling us over into the sand.

  My hand drifted, reaching up to graze the nape of his neck and feeling the softness of his hair there. My own lips moved against him, feeling the burn of his cheek as I made my way towards his ear. He let out a soft breath and hugged me tighter to him, and I could feel his hands slip across my back to feel me better. I tossed the blanket to the ground, sinking into it with Nathan close behind, sunsets and food forgotten. We rolled until I straddled him, my hands sliding over his tight t-shirt while his lips grew more adventurous over my mouth. I felt him tug against my hips, drawing me closer over him where I felt him hardening beneath me. He groaned and pulled his lips from mine, licking them as if he wanted to devour me.

  Looking down into his eyes, his need was clear. His tight grip on my hips as he held me tight against him proved it as he adjusted.

  He swallowed and tried to calm his breathing.

  "You are so much. I want so much with you, Kate," he groaned and let his eyes close when my hands traced down his neck and to his chest. I let my lips drift along his throat, enjoying the feel of his heartbeat against my lips at his throat.

  The sunset was fast approaching, and I didn't care. We were alone, something that rarely happened, in his world or mine. It was a moment that we could explore, and not be judged or called out.

  His breath came a little faster when he felt my hands slip down his shirt, drawing it up a bit to expose his bare stomach where I could run my fingers through the thin trail of hair there. He moved beneath me again, sending shivers through me. He watched me with heavy eyes as I leaned back a bit, feeling him adjust again.

  "Kate," he murmured and sat up to kiss along my throat his hands moving up along my ribs. I pushed myself into his hands, feeling the warmth of his palms cup my breasts tentatively. I whimpered when I felt his fingertips graze across the hardness of my nipple and then capture my breast again in a gentle squeeze.

  The scraping of his lips against my throat, the hardness of him against the heat of me, his strong hands as they moved across my body made it sing with need. I felt the warmth seeping into my limbs, and trembled against him when I rolled my hips, wanting to find the right spot to feel him. When I found it, we both sighed and moved against one another with a little more urgency. I could feel a tightening in my stomach, and gasped when he rolled us over, trapping me beneath him. He groaned and kissed me deeply, the heat of him a delight in the waning light. When he pulled away, he was panting.

  "If we go much further, I will lose myself, Kate," he said with his eyes clenched tightly.

  I relaxed my hands around his neck and let him roll to the side, separating us. I knew it wa
s wrong. I knew he was trying to be respectful, but touching one another felt too good to deny. I wanted it as much as he did. How he could pull away and resist, he had superhuman restraint. He wrapped one arm around me and kissed me softly by the ear before sighing.

  "I am sorry, Kate. I just want this to be right. I do not want you to regret us," he murmured in my ear.

  I groaned and tugged on his shirt in frustration.

  "I don't regret you, Nathan. Believe me, I don't," I sighed and tried to cool down my body as he held me and touched me along my waist once more.

  "Well, let us be on our way home and away from this place before we do anything more," he mumbled and looked out at the darkening sky.

  "Don't tell me my dad scares you," I said, incredulous.

  He shook his head and laughed low.

  "No. I am not afraid of your father. I just want us to go home. I am tempted here with these surroundings. I want to do right and respect you. Even if I am tempted to stray every time you are near me," he mused, the twinkle back in his eyes.

  I rolled my eyes and slid from his hold, standing and offering him my hand.

  “Come on,” I said. “I think we both need something to cool us down and you can’t leave here without getting your feet wet.”

  He followed me curiously as I walked us closer to the approaching waves. He mimicked me when I pulled off my shoes and socks, and rolled up his jeans just as I did. Taking my hand again, he followed me to the water, pausing for a moment as the water moved dangerously close to his bare feet.

  “The sand is freezing!” he exclaimed.

  “So is the water,” I said and let go of his hand to skip into the oncoming wave.

  I let out a startled cry at how cold it was, but waved him on. He looked at the water for an instant before stepping into the next wave, his eyes going wide when he felt the water slosh over his ankles.

  And then he laughed.

  A beautiful and carefree sound that bounced back and forth against the rocks, again and again as he jumped and ran through the cold water, kicking it up at times that I knew he’d be wet above the ankles. I rushed for him, feeling him catch me as I sped by, laughing with him as he spun me around and splashed again and again. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply, all the joy and excitement clear as his body held me as the waves moved in.

  The cold water finally made us retreat back to the blanket, drying off enough to relax and enjoy what we came for. I tucked back into him, offering him his sandwich finally. We sat there in the quiet watching the sunset as we ate, alone in our thoughts. I was surprised when he finally spoke up in the silence.

  “Thank you for sharing this bit of your world with me, Kate. This moment is something I will remember all my life,” he murmured near my ear.

  “This is my favorite part of this life,” I replied quietly, watching the sky turn pink above us. “But I’d give it all up so I could see you every day. I’m glad I could share this with you.”

  "Coming to find you was the best thing I have done in my life. And the hardest, Kate. Because there is not a moment that goes by that I do not want everything from you. I will refuse to let them keep us apart when we are home," he said, his voice determined.

  "What about the Elders?" I asked worriedly. "And Jonah and Fannie?"

  He slid his hand up my arm to my face and traced the side of my cheek lightly.

  "Jonah and Fannie understand. The Elders? We will show them you are meant for our world. You came for a purpose, and they will see. I promise," he said and pulled me closer to his side, looking out over the deepening sunset.

  We were quiet for a long time, watching the sky turn from a light blue, to turquoise, to a deepening lavender and red, until the blue began to darken and the last bit of fire lay at the top of the ocean. As the breeze turned cold, we slowly made our way back up the trail to the car. I let the heater warm up the car some before we had to leave. Nathan held me close and let out a long sigh, looking out at the purple and red sky ahead of us.

  "Is there anything else you will miss here, Kate?" he whispered into my hair.

  I thought about it for a moment, trying to imagine what could possibly be more tempting that being in Nathan's arms. I couldn't think of anything.

  "Nothing?" he asked when I shook my head. "Not even this car?"

  I laughed and nodded.

  "Okay. I'll miss the car maybe. But not much else," I sighed and leaned up to kiss him.

  "Coming to see your world has made me realize how little we know of it, Kate. There is such beauty here that I would not have dreamed possible. But having you here beside me, watching this bit of God's work, I know this is right. I'll be everything you need," he said.

  I felt his hands tip my head up so that I could look into his eyes.

  Everything I felt for him I saw there.

  He kissed me slowly, allowing the last of the sun to fall away. When it grew too dark to see one another, I regretfully pulled away from him and started us back towards the house.

  The drive home was distracting.

  Nathan continued to trace his fingers along my arm that he held. He had grown so comfortable with me in the short time since arriving; I didn’t want that to diminish when we returned. More so I didn’t want to miss it while we traveled back home. And I kept thinking about all the things we could do if we drove back to Iowa instead of taking the bus.

  "Nathan?"

  He hummed and slowed his gentle stroking, looking over at me sleepily.

  "What would you say to driving back to Iowa? Spending a few days extra instead of taking the bus," I suggested.

  He frowned and sat a little straighter, thinking it over.

  "How long do you think it will take to drive? It would be nice to get home as soon as we can. I left Jonah on his own," he replied.

  "It’s three days by bus, with all the stops. But with the car, and spending the night somewhere, maybe four days," I thought, not really sure.

  I knew he'd want to get home. I was being selfish. I wanted just a little more time alone with him before strict courtship rules were enforced again. He was thoughtful for some time, until his fingers resumed their path along my arm and he smiled.

  "By bus we would not be alone. And it was not very comfortable. Someone would need to pick us up at the bus station. Perhaps driving would be better. I'd like to see more with you, Kate," he said and grinned again.

  I was pretty sure he meant more than the countryside. I turned back to the road, excited for the trip back, because I wanted much more as well.

  When we pulled up to the house, I immediately noticed my father’s car was gone. Nathan glanced at the bare spot and eyed it as we stepped up to the porch and unlocked the door. It was dark inside, and quiet. Perhaps he had gone to work, him not being here until late at night wasn’t uncommon.

  But when we walked into the kitchen, I knew. He wasn't planning on being around when I left. An envelope sat on the table, and beside it a note. I took a breath and hesitated in taking the note in my hands, afraid to read it. I felt Nathan behind me and gained some courage from his warm hands on my shoulder as I opened up the note to read.

  Kate,

  I won't be here when you leave tomorrow. I’ll save you the need to pretend to be kind, when I don’t deserve it. I left you what I took from your account in the envelope. Use it for your new life.

  I hope that you truly meant what you said about forgiving me.

  I do love you. I know you needed someone and I never came through for you. I know now that you have someone who will truly look out for you.

  I am sorry. For everything.

  Dad

  I reached slowly for the envelope, pulling out the large wad of cash that was in there. I couldn’t bring myself to count it, I knew he’d be honorable and pay his debt. And it left me feeling sad for him, to know that this would be viewed as a business transaction more than an honest wish for a better future.

  "Are you all right?" Nathan whispered.

 
; I nodded and closed up the note.

  "He is trying in his own way to make amends. He is not without honor,” he whispered.

  I nodded and put the money back in the envelope, feeling that this sense of closure was not as happy as I would have wanted.

  “Perhaps he will come home in the morning. We can wait to say goodbye to him.”

  "We’ll still leave tomorrow. I want to go home," I whispered and walked upstairs to my bedroom, hearing him follow after me.

  He remained silent when I lay down and held out my hand to him. He slid off his shoes and lay down beside me in the big plush bed and held me close, his hands remaining on my shoulder as I wept quietly. As much as my father wasn’t a part of my life, I knew I would still miss him. I hugged myself against Nathan a little more firmly, knowing that his warmth was my new solace.

  Tomorrow we’d leave, and I would start my new life with him.

  Tomorrow was the start of everything.

  Chapter 34

  I awoke well before dawn, yet again set to my new ways.

  I knew Nathan was awake behind me, his body was warm against me and his fingers had slipped into my hair, stroking it lightly with his fingertips. I stretched beside him, feeling him back away from me slightly as my body rubbed against him. I turned onto my back so that I could see him in the dim light, laying on his side with a tender smile as he propped his head on his elbow to look down at me.

  "Pleasant morning," he murmured, his smile widening.

  "Pleasant morning," I whispered back and touched his fuzzy cheek with my fingertips.

  He dipped down and kissed me lightly along the cheek, letting his growing whiskers scrape lightly before pulling away. He let out a sigh and adjusted beside me again, one leg brushing over my knee. I let my hand ghost down his chest, his breath catching when I neared his stomach. I could see the indecision in his eyes, the desire mixed with the fear, making me pause. He rolled towards me and slipped one leg in between mine as he settled against me with a soft moan. The weight of him was enticing, and to feel him hard along my thigh made my heart speed up. His hands moved to my head, thumbs stroking across my cheeks as he gazed down into my smiling face.