A witch? She was getting a witch? What did that mean? Did it mean a job that paid money? Because she could use a job that paid money. God, could she ever.
Nina jammed her hands into her black hoodie pocket. “So let me get this shiz straight. Basically, you zapped a bitch and transferred some of your mojo to her, and that means she’s a familiar now, too? How the hell do you know that for sure?”
Calamity harrumphed at Nina. “All you gotta do is look at her wrist. She does have The Mark, Keeper of My Cage. It’s just like the one on the underside of my paw. We all have ’em.”
Poppy immediately began to back away, but she held up her wrist so they could all see the half-moon shape, which, as was becoming increasingly clear, apparently represented her status as a familiar.
“Hol-ee shitballs,” Nina muttered. “And you’re sure this means she’s like you? I thought familiars were all animals?”
“That’s because you don’t listen when I’m trying to school your sorry ass, Half-Breed!” Calamity exclaimed in a tone screaming exasperation. “Familiars come in all sorts of shapes and sizes these days. Animals are the least likely suspects for prying human eyes, but there are plenty of uprights to be had nowadays. You’d know that if you’d just become a little more involved in the community, you dolt!”
Nina snarled, reaching for Calamity, but Wanda took a step back to avoid her.
Suddenly, Poppy couldn’t take it anymore. Scooping up her Paul Stanley wig from the brick wall, she shook it at the group as though it would ward off impending danger.
“What does like her mean?” she shouted. Everything was moving at the speed of light while she was still stuck on the fact that a cat could talk.
Calamity sighed in what sounded like resignation, as though Poppy should know exactly what she was talking about. “It means we gotta get you to Familiar Central so you can get in the good line to get a nice witch. You do not want to wait for them to assign you somebody or you’ll end up like I did, with a leftover with anger management issues. That’s how I landed this crazy half-breed, scowling-at-everything-that-moves bitch on monster truck wheels.” Calamity lifted her jaw in Nina’s direction.
“A leftover…” Poppy muttered, but that didn’t slow Calamity’s tirade even a little.
“Now, I admit, I was lazy as fuck, and I should’ve gotten my shit together a lot sooner than I did when my old witch died. I lollygagged, hung out, threw back a bunch of brewskies, watched a lot of shitty reality TV and in general took a break from all the hocus-pocus crap. My old witch was a handful. But who knew I’d end up with the bottom of the barrel just because I was on sabbatical? And to add insult to injury, I ended up with an ogre who’s half vampire. Like I know a friggin’ thing about vampires. But there was no talking the head honcho out of this match made in the inner circle of Hell. So here I am—stuck with a psychotic, nay, violent, half-vampire/half-witch. Forever.”
Nina eyeballed Calamity, and to say she wasn’t exactly pleased was likely an understatement. But oddly, her next words were far more levelheaded than Poppy would have expected, even though her fists were tightly clenched at her sides and her teeth could quite possibly crack from the pressure of grinding them.
“We’re working through some shit. Boundaries, rules, crap like that.”
“Yeah,” the cat scoffed, curling into Wanda’s protective hold. “Boundaries and crap. That’s what we’re working through. I hope that helps you sleep at night. Oh, wait. You don’t sleep at night, do you, Blood Sucker?”
Marty grabbed one of Poppy’s hands and held it to her chest, her warm, smooth skin soothing Poppy, lulling her into a sense of security. Probably a false sense of one, but still a comfort. “To say Calamity was a surprise is an understatement. She and Nina are in the adjustment phase of their relationship—still working out the kinks, you know?”
“You mean the phase where she doesn’t fucking do what she’s told?” Nina asked.
Calamity crawled to Wanda’s shoulder and perched herself there. If cats could give dirty looks, she was shooting daggers at Nina. “I’ll say this one more time, Pale Face. I am your guide, your helper, your GD advisor to the magical realm. Not your slave in perpetuity. Got that, you colossal PITA? You can’t tell me what to do. I’m a hundred and fifty years old, not ten!”
Wanda chuckled and scratched Calamity under the chin, burying her face in the cat’s neck. “You tell her, Snookiepuss.”
Nina openly gaped at Wanda, her flawless face a tight mask of anger. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Wanda? Why the hell are you taking her side? Stop gettin’ in the middle of our shit, for Christ’s sake! If she didn’t behave like a motherfluffin’ kid, I wouldn’t treat her like one! I’ve been chasin’ after this toddler on steroids since she got here, putting out fire after fucking fire just as she lights another damn match. Now mind your damn P’s and Q’s!”
Marty popped her glossed lips and clapped her hands, a cheerfully forced smile on her face. “Ladies! Knock it off!” she shouted then squared her shoulders and smoothed her faux fur vest over her waistline. “We have no time to spare while the two of you argue over how Nina parents her unruly familiar. We have a job to do. Let’s do it before this Cecily shows up and steals Calamity’s thunder or Poppy ends up with an ogre like Nina for the rest of her days. Now, what do we do next, Calamity?”
Calamity hopped from Wanda’s shoulder to the ground and stretched. “It’s a doozy of a ride. You sure you’re up for it?”
As Poppy listened to Calamity’s explanation and watched the drama between the women unfold, she remained quiet, dealing with this new feeling she had. This new certainty was maybe a better word.
She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what these women spoke was the truth. There was no second-guessing, no quibbling. She instinctually knew the cat really could talk. Nina really was half-vampire, half-witch, and Poppy really did have to get to this place called Familiar Central.
She didn’t quite understand this innate sense of the truth; she wasn’t even sure how she was keeping from freaking out about the fact that Nina was a vampire-witch.
Maybe that would come later? For now, she had to take care of this. There was a pressing urgency in her gut that said she needed to trust her instincts.
“Does this familiar thing pay?”
“Like in money?” Calamity asked, cocking her round head.
She needed money. It wasn’t likely Mel was going to pay her now after she’d obliterated her sound system. To make everything worse, she was surely on the verge of being booted from her apartment if she didn’t come up with three months’ rent by next week.
Old Mr. Rush, her landlord, was an understanding guy, a great guy, in fact. But he couldn’t live on nothing any more than she could. And that’s what she’d been paid for spending almost four months on the road in a show that had such low attendance, the audiences were all but taking naps.
Nothing.
That son of a bitch Randall Cranston had run off with what little profit they’d made, leaving her and the rest of the cast high and dry.
She hated leaving her apartment and all the incredible people who’d been her neighbors for almost five years now, but she’d come to the realization her choices were growing slimmer by the day.
She’d even considered going back to her parents in Cincinnati. While she loved them, she didn’t necessarily want to live with them and their paneled walls and meals with a Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! double whammy anymore.
So this was a possible answer to all her financial problems.
Besides, she’d done crazier things for cash.
Finally, she said, “Well, yeah, I mean in money. I have to eat.”
“Not in money, no. But it does include room and board. Er, mostly…”
Calamity’s vague answer went by the wayside, almost unheard after the words “room and board.” Looking down at the cat, Poppy nodded with total calm. “I’m ready.”
For the first time since she’d met her, N
ina grinned as she scanned Poppy’s face, her glimmering eyes searching. “Holy fuck. You’re serious?”
She was. She didn’t know why she was, but she was. “I am. Let’s go.”
Nina gazed down at Calamity and pointed a long finger at her. “Then let’s get it on before she comes down off her high o’ crazy and changes her mind.”
“Did you bring your wand?” she asked Nina, stretching a paw forward.
Nina made a face, the hard lines of her jaw tightening. “No, I didn’t bring my fucking wand. That shit is like holding a hand grenade. I never know whether I’m going to blow crap up or turn it into a friggin’ animated ice sculpture. I’m not good enough at it yet to carry it around full time. Christ, it was much easier just being a vampire. All I had to do was flash my fangs and shit got done.”
Calamity clucked her tongue. “What have I told you about your wand, you beast? Ya gotta keep it with you at all damn times. It’s like leaving an organ behind.”
“I don’t have any organs.”
“Okay, it’s like leaving your sunscreen behind. Crucially important. I’ve only told you that a bafrillion times, Nina. You do know you just made this shit much harder?”
Poppy blinked. Nina had a wand? “Why does that make shit harder?” she asked.
Calamity snorted. “Hold one minute, and I’ll show you…”
Chapter 2
“I think I’m broke,” Poppy moaned as she hoisted herself up from the hard-tiled floor they’d been dumped on, looking down in disgust at her leggings, which now had a jagged tear in them. A stray cotton ball from the chest hair she’d made for her costume fell to the ground in a sad plop, and her wig was a tangled mess on the floor.
Shit. Hal’s House of Howl was never going to take this costume back now.
But that was okay because a place to sleep was in the offing. Room and board, baby.
Calamity hopped around in front of her with a scoff. “You can thank the vampire for that. It’s a bumpy enough ride to the realm even with the wand. But using the wand’s like flying first class. When we just use straight-up magic, you’re in the cheap seats.”
“I said I forgot, okay? Jesus, get off my jock, would you?” Nina groused as she rose on her long limbs from the pristine white floor and rolled her head on her neck.
Now Calamity did a little dance and taunted, “Is that how you’re supposed to use your words, Vampire? Doc Malone would be ashamed.”
Poppy worked her way up the wall using her palms as she took in the long, sterile hallway leading to a wide white door. Bending at the waist, she scooped up her fallen wig. “Who’s Doc Malone?”
“Our witch therapist. She’s helping me to cope with this damn boil on my ass,” Nina snarled, flashing her teeth.
Calamity hissed right back at Nina. “Oh, shut your pie hole. It’s the other way around. If not for Doc Malone, I’d have zapped your supermodel butt to Mars by now.”
Wanda had somehow managed to remain infuriatingly upright during their journey, wherein one minute they’d been standing in her friend’s driveway, then the next, squeezed like sausages from a casing into this hallway. “Come to Auntie Wanda, Calamity,” she cooed, patting her knee.
Nina’s beautiful face scrunched up in confusion. “Wanda? What the shit? Stop babying her while she laps this attention up like milk.”
And then Wanda made a face at Nina, rolling her eyes as she smoothed stray strands of her hair back in place and her posture took on the look of royalty. “Hush, you animal! How many times have I told you, you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar? Why must you always be so hard on her? She’s just a little thing who’s been thrust into our world without consent. She needs love and attention, not berating.”
Nina narrowed her eyes at Wanda. “Fuck your vinegar, and yeah, she’s so little and lost she managed to turn someone into a familiar. She might be little on the outside, but her inside is big on trouble. Quit coddling the out-of-control cat or I’m gonna whip up a spell and turn you into a damn mannequin in the girdle aisle at Macy’s.”
Calamity swirled in and out of Wanda’s ankles, clearly pleased she had such a devout ally. “Don’t worry, Wanda. She can’t even turn water into a Capri Sun. No way she can turn you into a mannequin. I’ll protect you.”
Wanda giggled, reaching down and stroking Calamity’s back.
Nina’s outraged expression as she circled the pair made Poppy press herself to the hallway wall, clinging to her wig.
“I said knock it the fuck off, Wanda, or—”
The clack of Marty’s heeled boots as she finally rose jarred Poppy, and made both Nina and Wanda turn their heads in her direction. “I can’t even believe it’s me saying this, but if the two of you don’t quit with the arguing over Calamity like she’s some kind of ribeye in the height of a zombie apocalypse, I’ll put you both through a wall. Got me? Wanda, I don’t know what’s happening with you these days, but you’re doing everything you possibly can to provoke Nina, and I’ve about had it right up to the tip of my bleached-blonde roots! Since when am I the one who has to mediate? Does anyone see the absurdity in this?”
When no one answered Marty with anything other than pursed lips and angry eyes, she continued, her gaze fixed on Wanda. “Last I checked, it was your job, sister, but lately, you’ve been all wrapped up in devilishly poking Nina, using Calamity as your stick.”
And still, they all remained freakishly quiet.
But Marty wasn’t done. Then she strolled toward Nina, her hair swishing about her shoulders, her index finger in motion. “And you, Wicked Half-Witch of The East—cut it the hell out! You’d better find some kind of common ground with Calamity and find it soon because she’s here forever, or I’m going to put you in the ground. Clear?”
Neither woman said anything, but they didn’t have to. Their flashing eyes and tense body language said it all. Something was happening between them all. And it wasn’t just a spat. It was more like a shift in dynamic, a change in the terrain of their friendship. Poppy was sure of it.
Now Marty squatted down beside Calamity and cupped her jaw, her blue eyes intense. “Pussycat? You’re enjoying playing both ends against the middle. Under normal circumstances, because it makes me giggle my ass off to see Nina so riled, I’d enjoy this almost as much as I enjoy an eyeshadow that doesn’t crease. But this becomes a real thorn in my side when we have a client who needs our help. So cut it out, since, as I recall, big bad werewolves love to chase little kitties cuz little kitties are mmm-mmm-good—especially ones full up like fat sausages with magic. Capisce?”
Calamity blinked, shifting from paw to paw, her tone subdued now. “Got it.”
Marty stood and brushed her thighs off then smiled. “Now that we’re clear, tell us where we go from here, Calamity. Poppy is waiting.”
And she was waiting. Watching and waiting as these women argued, trying to understand the dynamic between them all, yet instinctively knowing they each had a deep, abiding loyalty to one another.
And that was freaking her out. How could she possibly know how deep their roots went?
Yet, she did. She’d gamble her life on it.
“Okay, so let me just give you a couple of helpful tips before we get inside,” Calamity said, forcing her to focus on the task at hand.
Reaching into her jacket, Poppy pulled out an elastic band, scrunching her hair into one hand and wrapping the band around it with the other. This felt like a hair up problem.
Tightening her ponytail, she plopped her wig back on her skull and squared her shoulders. “Okay. Tips. Hit me. I’m ready.”
Calamity began to walk the long hallway to a door at the end of the white walls, her tail swishing back and forth. “Never leave the line. For the love of Jesus and all that’s good, never leave the line. I don’t care if you’re on fire and your head’s about to pop off your tiny shoulders. Do not leave the line.”
Poppy trudged behind the cat, wishing she’d changed back into her street clothes before doing s
omething as important as being inducted into the Familiar Hall of Fame. Surely that called for something more appropriate than a Paul Stanley costume.
“Why can’t I leave the line?”
“Because one wrong move and you could end up like me. With someone like her.”
“Shut up, Calamity,” Nina warned with tight words, the clomp of her feet heavy against the tile.
But Poppy scoffed. “You don’t really feel that way about Nina, and you know it.”
Aw, hell. Had that just popped out of her mouth? Why would she say something like that at such a tentative time in their newly minted relationship? Furthermore, how could she even know a personal detail like that?
She didn’t know these people from a hole in the wall, and suddenly she was the authority on their deepest feelings? The guru of deep-seated emotions?
Calamity stopped in her tracks and swiveled her head. “What do you know from shit about how I feel?”
Poppy stopped, too, nervously twisting a curl in her wig between her fingers, worried she’d offended Calamity. “I…I don’t know. I just know…I mean guessed. I’m a good guesser.” But that wasn’t entirely true. This wasn’t some guess. She knew. Like bone-deep knew Calamity loved yanking Nina’s chain.
They clashed because she and the vampire were so alike. Yet, she also respected her, and coming to terms with that was part of Calamity’s trouble. Calamity didn’t want to care—or maybe invest was a better word—in a relationship with another witch after losing the last one. It hurt.
But Calamity was having none of it. “Oh, fuck that noise. Forget I asked.”
“Fine. Forgotten. Now, what else do I need to know?” Poppy asked as they came to a halt outside a heavy rectangular door.
But Calamity didn’t have time to answer before the door swung open and chaos ensued.
Bad Case of Loving You Page 13