I loved her.
Now I just had to figure out how to tell her, before I lost her forever.
34
Emma
“So, you and Ward, huh?” Lucas asked. He was one of the daytime laptop regulars, in addition to being Ward’s buddy. Sometimes he stuck around into the evenings too.
I raised an eyebrow as I set his beer down in front of him. “It’s not serious.” I honestly didn’t know how to talk to Lucas. He was a customer, but he was also sort-of my friend at this point, and definitely one of Ward’s. It felt like we shouldn’t be having this conversation.
“Ward doesn’t do serious,” Lucas answered, sipping his usual (Live Oak brewery’s hefeweizen with two orange slices). “But he also doesn’t do month-long one-night stands.”
I tried to keep my face and body casual and relaxed. “Well it’s only been a couple of weeks,” I answered. Three weeks and four days. It had been exactly three weeks and four days. Not that I was counting.
“Hmm,” was Lucas’s only reply. He was clearly keen to continue our little uncomfortable conversation about my sexual activities with his friend, but I smiled and walked away as fast as I could. I wished he hadn’t stuck around tonight. His curiosity about Ward and me was making me nervous.
Was a month-long casual hookup too long? Was Ward going to announce in three days that we’d reached the limit of what he considered to be casual and that things were getting decidedly too real? Lily had a friends-with-benefits situation that went on for about six months at one point. But they met only for sex. She said she wasn’t even sure he spoke English for the first few weeks (he did, apparently). Ward and I hung out and got coffee. We’d been to see movies together. He even taught me how to change my oil.
I was so far out of my comfort zone I couldn’t even see the edge of it anymore. It was all uncharted territory as far as the eye could see. And I had no map, no compass, and no guiding star. I was totally just winging it.
“I actually asked for Miller Lite, not Guinness,” my customer told me when I set her drink down a few minutes later.
“I’m so sorry!” I told her—I’d totally zoned out there for a second. I didn’t even remember getting the beer. “That isn’t even close, is it? I’ll go get you the right one. Do you want to keep this too, or should I take it away?”
She looked at her date and he slid it toward himself with a sly grin. She shrugged and smiled at me. “I guess we’ll keep it.”
My mind was not in the game tonight. One wrong order wasn’t a big deal, and hardly anyone ever complains about a free beer, but I needed to concentrate on the here and now. My tips depended on it. But all I seemed to be able to think about was Ward.
It didn’t help that Ward was behind the bar looking perpetually sexy and cute. I put my head down, fixed my wrong order, and tried to concentrate. Just when I started to feel like I was getting back into my waitressing groove, Adam walked in and took a seat in my section. He was staring straight at me.
Fuck.
He must have gotten my message, carefully composed with Ward’s help, telling him politely to fuck off.
Ward hadn’t noticed Adam yet. He was chatting with Lucas now, who had moseyed up to the bar (presumably to grab more orange slices—he was a bit strange). I took a deep breath to steady myself and made my way over to Adam’s table. Whatever he wanted, it was better to get it over with. He clearly hadn’t come to drink. This wasn’t his kind of place. He preferred the type of establishment where one was served drinks by a sommelier, not a cocktail waitress.
“Hello Adam,” I said politely. “Would you like something to drink?” Perhaps if I just seemed extremely professional and disinterred, he would get the idea and go the hell away.
“Hello Emma,” Adam replied. “Do you have wine here?” He’d rolled up the cuffs of his white shirt, which was the Adam equivalent of a casual look, but I noticed that his shirt was fairly ruffled. His hair, too, was even messier than usual. He also had dark circles under his eyes. In short, he looked absolutely miserable.
“We have a house red and a house white,” I told him with a shake of my head. “You aren’t going to like either of them.”
He smirked. “You’re probably right. I’ll take the white.”
I nodded politely. “I’ll be right back.”
Walking back to the bar where Ward was staring at me, knowing that Adam was also staring at me, was the longest twenty-five steps of my life. At least I didn’t trip, or spontaneously combust. I made it back to the bar and went to pour the drink myself. We didn’t serve the wine very often, so it was easier just to do it myself than to interrupt Ward or Willie. I should have known I wouldn’t get away, however, because Ward was at my elbow immediately.
“Are you ok?” he asked, his voice low but containing just the right amount of protectiveness to trick me into thinking he really cared. I tried to remind myself that he didn’t.
“Yeah, fine.” My reply was short, but I didn’t think I could handle anything else. I grabbed the wine and a water pitcher and took off. The sooner Adam said his peace, the sooner he’d leave. Hopefully.
I refilled the water glasses of the other customers on the way to Adam’s table, and dropped the wine in front of him. He didn’t touch it.
“Emma, I really think we should talk,” he said. “Could you just sit down for five minutes?” He gestured to the empty chair in front of him.
At the moment I had eight customers total. Three of them had already paid and were getting ready to leave. Four of them had drinks and wouldn’t need anything in the next five minutes. The other one was a designated driver who’s water I’d just refilled. This was a bizarre lull and as good of a chance to talk as I was going to get all night. I sunk into the chair directly across from Adam and waited. I could practically feel Ward’s eyes on us. I knew without having to look that he was riveted to the scene.
Adam smiled at me like he’d won something, and then picked up the wine, sniffed it, and put it back down. He grimaced like he’d just sniffed drain cleaner.
“You didn’t tell me it was chardonnay.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what it is. It’s white. I did tell you that you wouldn’t like it.”
His mouth twisted like he wanted to smile again, but then settled back into a frown.
“Emma, I got your email. I started typing up a response, but then I wrote and rewrote it so many times it just became a huge mess. So, I decided to come over here and talk to you instead.”
“Ok.” I was keeping my voice level. It sounded reasonable. I was doing good on the outside. Inside my heart was pounding, but Adam didn’t need to know that.
“Listen, I know we had an inauspicious start. I know that I did a bad thing by seducing you when you were my student. I know that. And I know I shouldn’t have done it when I was engaged to someone else, obviously. But I didn’t love her. I never did. I was in love with you. I still am.”
I had no idea what to say. Adam was in love with me? He’d said that before, and still crushed my heart to bits. It had been five years.
“You don’t even know me anymore,” I managed to say. “You can’t be in love with me anymore.”
Adam shook his head. “I don’t think that’s true. When I read your piece, I knew that we were meant to be together. It was like I was seeing inside your mind again, like I used to when you were in my class. I felt like I could see your soul in your writing.”
“You gave me an A- in your class. Clearly my mind wasn’t that compelling.” I was still irked about that fucking A-. I’d had a goddamned 4.0 before that.
“I did that because I wanted to make you angry. I was trying to drive you away. Look, I know this isn’t going to make much sense to you, and you probably think I’m a total moron, but I had an addiction to you that I knew was inappropriate and I needed you to be the one to keep me from coming back. Making you angry, being cold and indifferent, that was my whole plan.”
It made sense, in a twisted way, but
it wasn’t an excuse for the way he’d treated me. There was no excuse for what he’d done. No amount of justification was going to change that.
“Why are you telling me this?” I needed to wrap this up. My heart could only handle so much in a single evening.
“Why do you think? I’m in love with you. Ever since we were together, I’ve been trying to get back to you. I left Rhiannon. I left Yale. I’m here because of you.” Rhiannon was the woman he’d been engaged to. I’d hated her, briefly, before I realized I should pity her. I pitied her even more now.
“That’s ridiculous. Despite what you told me, I wasn’t the first coed you slept with.”
“You were the first one and the only one that I fell in love with.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry Adam. I’m sorry that you feel this way, and I’m sorry it’s screwed up your life. But that’s not my fault, and I don’t reciprocate your feelings.”
Adam’s eyes flashed over toward the bar. “Is it because of him?” He looked jealous, but only slightly. Mostly he looked sad.
“No, Adam, it has nothing to do with Ward.”
“After he kissed you, I asked around in the department. You two are dating, though, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” We weren’t, obviously, but I knew Ward wouldn’t mind me lying about it to Adam.
“Do you love him? Does he love you?” Adam had placed both his palms flat on the table and his voice was pained. He looked like a man possessed. I was starting to believe him that he was in love with me, which was terrifying. No one had ever been in love with me before.
“I owe you no explanations.”
He nodded, accepting my answer. He wasn’t giving up though.
“You and I were meant to be together,” Adam said, moving on. “I told Lieu about us when I interviewed, you know. Not that I was in love with you, but that we’d had a relationship in the past. He told me that he would love to have me on staff, my credentials were clearly more than adequate for a second-tier school like this, but he told me it was professional suicide to come here just to chase a PhD student. I told him we were F Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald.”
“You’re an alcoholic who will drink himself to death and I’m a nutcase who’ll die in an asylum fire? Fantastic.”
I rolled my eyes and he grinned. He liked arguing with me, just like Ward did.
“No. We’re star-crossed lovers. We’re artists who bring out the best—and the worst—in each other. The poem that almost made me Poet Laureate? I wrote that when I was with you.”
“You tried to trick me into sex by offering to help me with my work. It’s exactly what you did when I was at Yale, only worse, because this time I don’t want it.”
He paused. “I shouldn’t have written you that email. I just really wanted to see you.”
“So, you admit you were trying to manipulate me?”
“Yes. Does that make you happy?” He frowned. “I admit I was wrong. I admit everything. Will you just entertain the idea that maybe I might really love you?”
I’d truly had enough. Love didn’t matter. Not with Adam.
“No. Because it doesn’t matter if you love me. Look, you can’t talk me into loving you. I was in love with you once, but I’m not anymore. I’ve grown up. Maybe you should too.”
I stood up to leave. This was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t continue to entertain Adam’s crazy theory that we belonged together. Even if any of what he was saying was true—and that was a big if because he was a known liar—it didn’t matter. I knew that I wasn’t in love with him. I had grown up and out of my innocence, thanks to him. And because of that, I’d grown out of my childish infatuation too.
“If that’s the way you feel, I won’t bother you again. I just had to come here to tell you.” He shook his head at me, laid a twenty on the table and stood. “Remember that I loved you. I screwed up my shot with you because I was stupid, impulsive, irrational, and proud. You deserve somebody to love you Emma, even if it’s not me. Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t ever waste your time with someone who won’t do what it takes to be with you again. If there’s one thing I learned from the past few years, from you and Rhiannon and everything, it’s this: don’t ever be with someone who doesn’t really, truly love you, because it erodes your talent and wastes your time. You deserve something real.”
He left then, and my mind was reeling. Had he ever really loved me? Was this all some kind of fucked up mind trick? My heart hurt from the weight of his confession and his final speech. Even if he was flawed, he wasn’t completely wrong. The truth of what he told me echoed in my brain, over and over, until it was a mantra. Until it was the only thing I could hear.
Don’t ever be with someone who doesn’t really, truly love you, because it erodes your talent and wastes your time. You deserve something real.
Adam was an asshole, but he was right. I did deserve something real. It was time to say goodbye to Ward.
35
Emma
My shift passed by in a painful blur. I know that I served drinks, made small talk, cleaned tables, smiled and giggled at the lame jokes my customers made… I just didn’t remember any of it in detail. By the time last call rolled around I had a pocket full of money, very tired feet, and five missing hours. I felt numb.
“Emma, do you have a second?” Ward asked, putting a hand on my shoulder and looking into my eyes like he’d been trying to get my attention for a while.
I nodded at him and made myself smile. “Sure. Let me just go drop this last glass of water, finish wiping down the tables, and then I’m done.”
“Meet me in the office?” His voice was soft and the hand on my shoulder felt warm and comforting. He kissed me on the forehead. I wished I could rewind time to the beginning of my shift. Unlearn what I’d learned from Adam. But it was too late.
“Ok. Five minutes and I’ll be there.” I used the time to rehearse what I had to say to him. I wasn’t sure I could do it, but it was time to find out.
When I wandered into the office, Ward was sitting on the edge of his desk, leafing through some papers.
“What happened with Adam?” he asked. “After he left, you were on total autopilot. You barely said two words to me and Willie for the rest of the night. Are you ok?”
Was I Ok? No, not really. Not remotely. Not at all. My heart was breaking.
“He came to confess his love for me.” I said it sarcastically, although he had sounded perfectly sincere. But it still sounded sort-of ridiculous when I said it out loud. But the way he looked had shaken me to my core. Despite the pain that Adam had caused me, I had loved him once. There was a time when I would have done anything to get Adam to come and tell me exactly what he told me tonight. But now that he loved me, I no longer loved him. Life was really fucked up sometimes.
Ward’s lips parted in surprise. “He did what?” The papers in his hands slid to the ground, forgotten.
I shook my head. “It was totally surreal. He came to confess his undying love for me, tell me that he would do anything for me, and beg me to take him back.”
Ward looked like he had no idea what to say to that. He didn’t get struck speechless very often. Silence stretched between us until he cleared his throat uncomfortably.
“Are you ok?” He asked again.
“Yeah,” I lied, even though I felt paper-thin and so fragile that I might blow away. “I’m fine. I told him to go sit on a cactus.”
The term ‘sit on a cactus’ was something that Ward had taught me. I liked it a lot. It was Texas-y. One day I would work it into a story somewhere and think of him. The stray thought made me frown.
Ward smiled when he heard that I’d rebuffed Adam, but he still looked concerned. Maybe on some level he could feel my anxiety radiating off me in waves. I’ve heard that humans have the ability to detect subtle pheromone changes, especially in those to whom they were physically and emotionally close. I was probably pumping out more stress hormones than I ever had before in my entire life. I couldn’t even
remember another time in my life that could come close.
Apparently, this is why they say that breaking up is hard to do. Except we weren’t even together.
“Then why do you look so worried?” Ward asked, proving that even if he couldn’t smell my hormones, he could at least read my face.
“Because I realized something important.” I swallowed hard. Took a deep breath. Broke my own heart. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
In the quiet of the tiny office, I could hear my heart beating. Was it bleeding, too? It was definitely in two pieces now. It hurt so much that I could barely breathe.
“Because you’re in love with Adam?” Ward’s voice was confused, and that made my heart ache even worse. His face was completely unreadable to me now, like he’d raised up a wall behind his eyes that hid his feelings. I wished I could shut down my emotions like him. Maybe one day I’d learn how.
“No,” I said softly. “No, it’s not because I’m in love with Adam. I don’t love him.”
“Then why?” I hadn’t really expected him not to ask. Part of me thought he might just nod and laugh, but he didn’t. Even Ward, who didn’t believe in relationships, apparently wanted an explanation for my sudden change of heart. On some level, even if it was tiny, he did care. And he also deserved to know why I was ending things. So, I would tell him the truth.
“Because I need to focus on myself right now.” These were the words that I’d been rehearsing. “The last few weeks with you have been so wonderful. Beyond anything I hoped for. I hope you had a good time with me too. I think you’re amazing. But I need to focus on my writing. I need to cut out distractions and focus on what’s real and lasting to me. I need to focus on what I love.”
Admit You Want Me Page 19